Feelings of grief.

[Headsprouter]

Long story short, my cat went missing a couple days ago, and putting together bits of information I've heard from my neighbours (and her loyalty as a cat) I believe she has been stolen. My last glimmer of hope was the disappearance of the food I would leave outside, I left my phone out and filmed a video, and wouldn't you know it, it was not my cat.

With that last glimmer extinguished, I have started to feel more physically ill than I did beforehand. Now my lack of appetite, restlessness, stomach pain, sleeplessness and chills have been accompanied by a burning sensation in my upper spine.

And then there's the lump in my throat.

Normally I leave most my venting to the ^ < V thread in the Forum Games, but at this point I just want to let it all out in one place, and spare the poor sods who have to try and enjoy the thread amongst my constant pining for my lost pet.

Interestingly enough, this is the first time I've ever lost someone I cared about. Now, non pet owners might not understand how close you can really get to an animal, but this cat totally changed the way me and my little brother viewed cats in general. She became a part of our language. My little brother could barely go a sentence without some mention of her or our bunnies. We obsess over our pets.

But yeah, that never happened to me until now. Losing someone has always been my greatest fear. It would often keep me awake when I was younger, just thinking about it. I always feared how I would react to the loss of somebody else, and how people would react if I were to go. Does that last bit sound big-headed? Or is it me loving the people who love me back and never wanting to cause them any major emotional stress?

Anyway, here I am, finally there, finally feeling that grief, that sense of loss I always feared.

Needless to say, it's pretty shitty. We can all agree on that, but this thread still needs some discussion value. It's been all about me, so far. So what about the Escapists?
Try and talk about stuff relating to that feeling of grief. Have you ever lost somebody? How did you feel? How did it take you to move on? Was it clustered with a bunch of other issues? It doesn't have to be death, it could be a breakup of some kind. Maybe you observed how a loved one reacted to the death of somebody they knew well, but you didn't. Did you try to help, or did you leave them to it? How did it change them, if at all? Have you been changed by a loss?

Yes, this thread is another one of those depressing and morbid ones. But hopefully it can also work as a sort of self-help group. Another key thing to talk about are good ways to cope.

Spoiler: The beautiful cat in question.

<3

UPDATE: She was hit by a car and is dead. See my post below for more details. Here's to a beautiful three years.

 

[Lunar Archivist]

Well, don't give up hope. My friend's cat disappeared suddenly and showed up a month later skinny and bedraggled. Maybe your cat will as well.

 

[Headsprouter]

Well, don't give up hope. My friend's cat disappeared suddenly and showed up a month later skinny and bedraggled. Maybe your cat will as well.

I want to put up lost cat posters at some point. Maybe today. If she did somehow manage to make her way back it would be amazing. Although I'm not sure how long it would be before I'd trust her enough to let her go roam the streets again.

I have a very defeatist attitude at the minute, but if she did manage to make her way home at some point I don't think I'd ever stop thanking the universe for reuniting us.

 

[Kolby Jack]

I've lost a few relatives, but I had the benefit of not having known them very well to begin with or them having been sick for some time so it wasn't really a shock.

Probably the biggest death in my life up until now has been my family's childhood dog, Lady (half-Labrador, half-chow chow). She was a cool dog, nice to people but HATED most other dogs and would readily fuck them up if we let her, though it was more about establishing dominance than real viciousness. She bit a piece of my great-uncle's old dog's ear off once, and that was as bad as it ever got (I learned that when I was very young though, so I may be mistaken; my brother liked to tell me lies). She was smart too; once she realized that we kept having to shovel her poops in our yard, she started burying them or pooping in the neighbor's yards. We rarely kept her fenced in as the neighbors liked her, she was well-behaved and she always came home of her own accord.

Unfortunately, that turned out to be a mistake. I remember the night very clearly even though I was just 11 at the time. Some guy showed up at our door, I had thought he told my dad that our dog's bed was out in the middle of the road. Turns out it was her. My dad, my brother and I walked out and saw her, head split open and the biggest pool of blood I've ever seen in my life. I didn't really know how to react right away, so I started walking back towards the house, then I heard my older brother burst out crying behind me and I just lost it. I ran bawling back into the house up to my mom and younger sister and just blurted out "Lady got hit by a car, and she's DEAD!" Even remembering it still brings a little moisture to my eyes. Later we buried her in our backyard and held a funeral, and I remember feeling a little guilty because I wasn't NEARLY as broken up when my great-grandfather died a few months before, but my mom said that was normal and fine.

I don't remember how old she was, but she wasn't very old, still plenty of years left. I'm sure my parents were pretty upset about it as well, but to their credit they didn't let it show through much.

I know the heartbreak of losing a beloved pet. It's rough, but time heals all wounds, as the saying goes. Your cat could very well turn up though; many pets have disappeared for quite a while only to turn up when it's least expected. To be honest, I'm no expert, but I don't think pet theft is all too common, and is usually a well-intentioned mistake that gets undone once somebody figures out what happened. Get some feelers out there, spread the word, and the chances of her turning up should increase dramatically.

 

[Headsprouter]

snip

Thank you for the reply. I'm sorry about your dog, but I envy that you have closure.

Spoiler: I posted this is the Forum Games group. It pains me to look over it again.

Well, anyone who's been around the ^ < V game knows my cat is missing.
Another cat went missing in the area not long before, with no sign.
A woman at the end of the street caught somebody trying to steal her cat.
My cat is gorgeous.
If this is true, they're likely de-chipping the cats, making it impossible to tell who their original owner was.
People suck.
Oh yeah, and apparently they bait the cats using dogs.
I saw people with dogs going up and down alleys during my searches.

So you see, I'm not plucking this hypothesis out of thin air.

You talking about your parents reactions reminds me my reaction is the most obvious in my family. My mum always said that she was truly my cat because of the amount to time I spent worrying about her, admiring her and the fact that she spent most of her time in the house around me.
I'm liable to break down as soon as a conversation begins, so I've been avoiding my little brother in particular (i'm supposed to be strong for him), and venting to either of my parents. My dad has said my little brother is reacting similarly to my older brother, they are both very withdrawn currently.
Like yours, my parents aren't showing their feelings too much. Where I got the emotional trainwreck gene from is unclear.

 

[Flutterguy]

Nothing lasts forever, all relationships will end in grief, but its still better to have had and lost. Your cat may come back, and if she does she'll be happier then ever to be there.

Now asking me to recall my miseries is a tall order, and I won't, but you will feel better soon enough, sleep it off, be happy you had a good pet, and prepare for tomorrow.

 

[Muspelheim]

What sort of utter wanker steals pet cats, anyway? Rare breeds I can understand, but you can always get ordinary cats for free. It's like stealing for the hell of it. Ought to get a spanner through their teeth...

That is, unfortunately, the difficulty with cats. They can disappear like that. It's an emotional risk. However, the good times you have with a friendly pet is worth the pain when the inevitable end comes.

She might come back, but remember that the good times and memories you have of her is what matters. She no doubt lived the best life any cat could wish for. A good home with dear, affectionate family members (or staff more like, you know how cats are), good meals and plenty of rest in the sun. She had a good life, and no doubt brought much happiness into yours.

It's always okay to feel grief. Loss is never going to be easy. Of course, everyone grieves in a different way. As long as it gets you through the difficult bits of the path, it's perfectly fine. It's easy to feel guilty wether you grieve hard or openly enough, but it's a personal matter.

As for my own experiences, I've gone through a few pets in my time. While it's always hard, knowing that they had a good life makes it easier to pass.

I buried dad this August. He was severely ill for many years, so it felt much more like a release for himself and everyone. It was... A bit difficult, but I've had time to adjust to that inevitability under such a long time that it felt more like finishing something. I'm sure he felt the same way.

The fact that we'd already sorted the worst part of our grief in advance led to some interesting things, though. Arranging the funeral ended up being rather amusing, as we were much more relaxed and on ease than people at an undertaker tend to be. We talked, cracked a few jokes (some at late dad's expense, he'd approved) and eventually felt we had to explain to the undertaker why we were so unusually merry. It was odd, but then, we'd always used that sort of gallows humour in the past. That is one way to grief. It worked.

Few people can say they rather enjoyed a day at the undertaker's, that's for sure.

 

[Headsprouter]

Nothing lasts forever, all relationships will end in grief, but its still better to have had and lost. Your cat may come back, and if she does she'll be happier then ever to be there.

Now asking me to recall my miseries is a tall order, and I won't, but you will feel better soon enough, sleep it off, be happy you had a good pet, and prepare for tomorrow.

Thanks for replying, I was worrying this thread would die before I got a chance to get my fill out of it. Then again, you're right, I probably shouldn't be asking for people to recall their miseries, but I thought "oh well, they have the choice to post or not." and went ahead with it. This is just a way for me to get some things off my chest. If people reply to a thread, I take it as a bit of an invitation. I could have kept whining in the Forum Games, but the people there are probably sick of hearing about it at this point.

 

[Muspelheim]

Nothing lasts forever, all relationships will end in grief, but its still better to have had and lost. Your cat may come back, and if she does she'll be happier then ever to be there.

Now asking me to recall my miseries is a tall order, and I won't, but you will feel better soon enough, sleep it off, be happy you had a good pet, and prepare for tomorrow.

Thanks for replying, I was worrying this thread would die before I got a chance to get my fill out of it. Then again, you're right, I probably shouldn't be asking for people to recall their miseries, but I thought "oh well, they have the choice to post or not." and went ahead with it. This is just a way for me to get some things off my chest. If people reply to a thread, I take it as a bit of an invitation. I could have kept whining in the Forum Games, but the people there are probably sick of hearing about it at this point.

It's alright, mate. Talking about it usually helps, and people choose whether or not to participate.

 

[Flutterguy]

Spoiler

Nothing lasts forever, all relationships will end in grief, but its still better to have had and lost. Your cat may come back, and if she does she'll be happier then ever to be there.

Now asking me to recall my miseries is a tall order, and I won't, but you will feel better soon enough, sleep it off, be happy you had a good pet, and prepare for tomorrow.

Thanks for replying, I was worrying this thread would die before I got a chance to get my fill out of it. Then again, you're right, I probably shouldn't be asking for people to recall their miseries, but I thought "oh well, they have the choice to post or not." and went ahead with it. This is just a way for me to get some things off my chest. If people reply to a thread, I take it as a bit of an invitation. I could have kept whining in the Forum Games, but the people there are probably sick of hearing about it at this point.

I hope you don't think I'm trying to brush you off or something.

I'm as honest as I can be, and I see nothing as entirely positive or negative, my posts tend to reflect that. I'm well aware that I can be a drag, hahaha.

 

[Headsprouter]

snip

I know it's not exactly politically correct, but a friend of mine suspects gypsies, or the travelling community seeing as they can easily grab somebody's pet and leave, and as I said before, a neighbour says they caught them doing it, and I saw people walking up and down alleys with unfamiliar dogs- unleashed. Big, ugly dogs.

As long as I can remember, I have had a sick dad, too. We have a sort of resilience to such things running in the family, so he's able to do much better than he should be able. Unlike me, my dad has a real drive to get stuff done. Past couple nights I've been making visits to vent and stuff, because he's great for that. Sympathetic, but logical. He won't lie to make you feel better, but he won't let you feel bad, either. While he's suffering, I really hope he stays with us for a good while longer. Thanks for sharing.

Last year, my dog died, and my cat ran away a few weeks after, never to be seen again.
I know how you feel, but just know that life has a way of finding equilibrium. Things will eventually get better, the pain will subside with time.

Your post isn't the most hope-inspiring, but hey, I did ask, and that's how life is.

We still have bunnies, though. :3

Lovely, pretty, happy bunnies.

 

[BreakfastMan]

Well, don't give up hope. My friend's cat disappeared suddenly and showed up a month later skinny and bedraggled. Maybe your cat will as well.

Yeah, that happened to one of my cats as well. She disappeared for a good long while (about 4-6 weeks), then she just showed up one night completely out of the blue, incredibly skinny but nevertheless alive and well.

 

[Headsprouter]

Spoiler

Nothing lasts forever, all relationships will end in grief, but its still better to have had and lost. Your cat may come back, and if she does she'll be happier then ever to be there.

Now asking me to recall my miseries is a tall order, and I won't, but you will feel better soon enough, sleep it off, be happy you had a good pet, and prepare for tomorrow.

Thanks for replying, I was worrying this thread would die before I got a chance to get my fill out of it. Then again, you're right, I probably shouldn't be asking for people to recall their miseries, but I thought "oh well, they have the choice to post or not." and went ahead with it. This is just a way for me to get some things off my chest. If people reply to a thread, I take it as a bit of an invitation. I could have kept whining in the Forum Games, but the people there are probably sick of hearing about it at this point.

I hope you don't think I'm trying to brush you off or something.

I'm as honest as I can be, and I see nothing as entirely positive or negative, my posts tend to reflect that. I'm well aware that I can be a drag, hahaha.

No, not at all. I thought I might have come across as grumpy in a couple of ways, but I meant to be more apologetic and was only trying to justify my actions. Prodding people about their losses and sorrows isn't the nicest thing to do, a lot of the time.

Yeah, that happened to one of my cats as well. She disappeared for a good long while (about 4-6 weeks), then she just showed up one night completely out of the blue, incredibly skinny but nevertheless alive and well.

Love hearing stuff like this.

 

[Hero of Lime]

I'm terribly sorry to hear that Headsprouter, I can totally relate to losing a beloved cat. Early 2013 my cat was diagnosed with cancer. We took her to get treated for a few months, but after being given less treatment when going into remission, and the cancer came back in full force in a matter of two weeks. We had her put down. I remember crying so hard when I found out she had the cancer, I was a real wreck. Like you, I lost my appetite for a few days, I was miserable, and going to school and doing work actually helped keep me occupied, which is kinda sad.

I still miss her so much, and it's really bothered me to this day. For one, I have a crippling fear of cancer, whether getting it myself, or having it befall someone I care about. I also still have a hard time imagining getting a new pet. I want one, but it makes me so conflicted and I feel like it's easier not to get one for the time being. I know it would be a healing process, but still, I don't want to stomach that right now.

It was hard losing my grandma as well, however her declining health was a long agonizing process. She had bad dementia so by the time she died she barely recognized us, and couldn't really do anything other than lay in bed. There was a great sadness, but also a (I hope this does not sound horrible)relief knowing she did not have to keep suffering. I remember crying at her memorial, but her death was something I knew was coming for a long time, so I was more prepared for it. Still miss her to this day, I remember she always wanted to be there for our(my siblings and I) big events like graduations, weddings, etc. I really wish she could have been.

Those have been the hardest losses I've probably been dealt. I had a cat growing up who died at the age of 20, and her health declined like my grandma so I was prepared for it. Both my grandpas died when I was fairly young, so while I knew it was a time to be sad, I obviously was too young to understand.

Hopefully your cat will turn up. I know things are bad, and believe me, I know myself and others telling you this won't make it hurt any less, but when more time passes, those wounds will heal.

 

[beastro]

I'm so sorry, I pray the little one comes back.

Regardless, please learn from this. Walking around my neighbourhood I see too many missing cat posters and it's because of them that when I got my Lucy I resolved to buy a harness and walk her myself whenever she wanted to.

Yeah it looks odd walking a cat, I don't care, but it let's her explore while staying safe.

Please do the same. It'll be pain with an outdoor cat howling like mad and trying to break out whenever the doors open, but it'll save both you all this grief.

 

[Muspelheim]

I know it's not exactly politically correct, but a friend of mine suspects gypsies, or the travelling community seeing as they can easily grab somebody's pet and leave, and as I said before, a neighbour says they caught them doing it, and I saw people walking up and down alleys with unfamiliar dogs- unleashed. Big, ugly dogs.

As long as I can remember, I have had a sick dad, too. We have a sort of resilience to such things running in the family, so he's able to do much better than he should be able. Unlike me, my dad has a real drive to get stuff done. Past couple nights I've been making visits to vent and stuff, because he's great for that. Sympathetic, but logical. He won't lie to make you feel better, but he won't let you feel bad, either. While he's suffering, I really hope he stays with us for a good while longer. Thanks for sharing.

Could be that, I fear. It's not pleasant, but it's true, sometimes. I know dogs can make for some quick cash (and will for as long as people buy dogs from dodgy places), but I didn't know cats were worthwhile, too. Dreadful business. Could be ordinary criminals, but if more details pointing towards them specifically pop up, it might be worth contacting the police. They might be on hard times, but it's your street and homes, too.

Good to hear your dad is chugging along. I hope for more good times together for you. Little talks like that are really valuable.

Oddly enough, dad also had a similar sort of resilience. He was put away for a skull fracture, but the rest was still in tip-top shape. Good lungs, decent liver, we could hardly believe them. He'd been chain smoking since the 60's, and his lungs were still in good order, somehow. Some people are just unbelievably stain resistant and can soldier through anything. Certainly hope it's an inherrent trait, that'd come in mighty useful.

Glad to hear you've still got the rabbits! They're damn cute, they are.

I'm so sorry, I pray the little one comes back.

Regardless, please learn from this. Walking around my neighbourhood I see too many missing cat posters and it's because of them that when I got my Lucy I resolved to buy a harness and walk her myself whenever she wanted to.

Yeah it looks odd walking a cat, I don't care, but it let's her explore while staying safe.

Please do the same. It'll be pain with an outdoor cat howling like mad and trying to break out whenever the doors open, but it'll save both you all this grief.

That's a good idea, actually. Harnesses are probably the safest option unless you live on the countryside with plenty of space with reguard to cats. You'll have to train it from a young age, but it'll be worth the faff.

The missing cat posters are always a depressing read, but who knows. Might get a run-away back home safe and sound one day.

 

[Headsprouter]

snip

Great to see you again, we haven't crossed paths for a while, now.

I've done my bit of crying, a tiny bit of hyperventilation earlier at my dad's which made me feel numb in the face and hands. Maybe verging on a panic attack. But I'm eating, now. Munching on some breadsticks at a fair pace, rather than biting off tiny bits every 15 minutes...still a bit afraid to sleep, though. Got a quick hour at my dad's, thankfully didn't wake up in that horrible, cold sweat I've been experiencing, but when you get back to consciousness, it hits you again, and it's awful.

I'm not very close to my grandparents on either side, but upon hearing that something might have been wrong with my granddad on my dad's side, even though he could really die at any point now, I still got a bit emotional. I got emotional when I heard a friend from primary school's dad died from being hit by a car. I'm really sensitive to that sort of thing, I guess.

It sounds completely normal to be relieved by the death of a suffering loved one. I don't feel like I can say much more than that, though. Only you really understand, but I'd rather find my cat dead than know she was suffering somewhere. Closure's an important thing, and having that pre-empt helps, too. My cat has always made punctual returns home, and she's even followed us about in the street around where we live. She once followed us to our dad's and back to our mum's. It was scary seeing her cross the road, but it was a good sign she really loved to be around us.

I'm so sorry, I pray the little one comes back.

Regardless, please learn from this. Walking around my neighbourhood I see too many missing cat posters and it's because of them that when I got my Lucy I resolved to buy a harness and walk her myself whenever she wanted to.

Yeah it looks odd walking a cat, I don't care, but it let's her explore while staying safe.

Please do the same. It'll be pain with an outdoor cat howling like mad and trying to break out whenever the doors open, but it'll save both you all this grief.

If she finds her way home, it will be a while before I want to let her out again. At the very least, I will want to follow her to the best of my ability.

When you talk about a cat howling like mad to get out, it makes me smile. She would turn her head to me on my way down the stairs, meow loudly and excitedly before charging down stairs, while meowing through a closed mouth. Then she'd gesture at the door handle, pretending to stretch. She was so hyperactive sometimes. Very like a kitten. I'll add a picture of her to the OP. She's so pretty. And 3 years old last June.

Good to hear your dad is chugging along. I hope for more good times together for you. Little talks like that are really valuable.

Oddly enough, dad also had a similar sort of resilience. He was put away for a skull fracture, but the rest was still in tip-top shape. Good lungs, decent liver, we could hardly believe them. He'd been chain smoking since the 60's, and his lungs were still in good order, somehow. Some people are just unbelievably stain resistant and can soldier through anything. Certainly hope it's an inherrent trait, that'd come in mighty useful.

Haha, funny that. My dad also smokes. But his illness is unrelated. He got an MRSA-like issue from the hospital as well as severe bowel issues. I wish I could give a better description, but I never really think to prod him about it.

 

[Hero of Lime]

Great to see you again, we haven't crossed paths for a while, now.

I've done my bit of crying, a tiny bit of hyperventilation earlier at my dad's which made me feel numb in the face and hands. Maybe verging on a panic attack. But I'm eating, now. Munching on some breadsticks at a fair pace, rather than biting off tiny bits every 15 minutes...still a bit afraid to sleep, though. Got a quick hour at my dad's, thankfully didn't wake up in that horrible, cold sweat I've been experiencing, but when you get back to consciousness, it hits you again, and it's awful.

I'm not very close to my grandparents on either side, but upon hearing that something might have been wrong with my granddad on my dad's side, even though he could really die at any point now, I still got a bit emotional. I got emotional when I heard a friend from primary school's dad died from being hit by a car. I'm really sensitive to that sort of thing, I guess.

It sounds completely normal to be relieved by the death of a suffering loved one. I don't feel like I can say much more than that, though. Only you really understand, but I'd rather find my cat dead than know she was suffering somewhere. Closure's an important thing, and having that pre-empt helps, too. My cat has always made punctual returns home, and she's even followed us about in the street around where we live. She once followed us to our dad's and back to our mum's. It was scary seeing her cross the road, but it was a good sign she really loved to be around us.

Ever since our Pokemon forum games ended we haven't been interacting as much as we should. However I do always look out for your comments on Pokememes posts. XD

Anyway, I'm hoping for the best for you at the moment. I do agree closure would be the best. I hate to imagine having a lost pet and knowing nothing about its whereabouts. If you ever feel like venting, without making a new thread to do so, feel free to PM me.

 

[beastro]

f she finds her way home, it will be a while before I want to let her out again. At the very least, I will want to follow her to the best of my ability.

When you talk about a cat howling like mad to get out, it makes me smile. She would turn her head to me on my way down the stairs, meow loudly and excitedly before charging down stairs, while meowing through a closed mouth. Then she'd gesture at the door handle, pretending to stretch. She was so hyperactive sometimes. Very like a kitten. I'll add a picture of her to the OP. She's so pretty. And 3 years old last June.

A leash and harness is easy once they get used to it. They seem to mostly mosey around your place and go maybe 2-3 blocks away in all directions. I don't let her go where I can't go and Lucy doesn't seem to mind that. She'll tug at the leash a bit, pause and go in a direction I'll allow with body language that seems to say "... I've decided we won't walk in this direction, we'll go this way" as if she came to the conclusion herself.

Lucy's meowing like mad right now, I wasn't able to take her out last night and she's been waiting all day. It's so cute when she'll sit in the kitchen and begin to make increasingly louder and louder howls until I reply, then it's a little, small, helpless meow, like "Hey... Hey!... HEY!!!! Listen to me!!!!.... Please take me out!".

Lucy just turned 2 and she's still very kittenish. She's my first cat after having dogs and ferrets. I didn't know how to take a cat so I decided to treat her like a ferret which has made her very rough and tumble and bossy.

Luce can be very hyper active as well but mostly keeps it to being very vocal. If I don't do what she wants quickly enough she'll often start attacking the furniture lightly scratching it while staring me in the face or start to race around the house spinning around trying to beat up her tail in frustration.