Feelings of grief.

[Ryallen]

Man, this brings me back. I don't know if I feel grief in the way that others do. For some reason, I don't even know how my own emotions work. I get sad, but I rarely cry over emotional trauma, such as losing someone close to me. Although, this has happened infrequently enough that I can't really tell. I've only lost cats, although I have lost quite a few.

The most recent one was the loss of my cat Missy. I don't remember much about her, except that she was black. I know that I loved her, as I do with any pet that I get, but regardless, I was pissed when I lost her. I say "pissed" because it wasn't the fault of anyone but uncaring other people who made me lose my cat. Basically, what happened was when my dad was moving and my mom was having our pipes fixed, we had to bring our cat over to my dad's house, as we aren't allowed cats in the house. And my cat was an outdoor cat, and so we had to keep her from going outside into unfamiliar territory, else she gets lost and can't find her way back. Anyways, when my dad was moving, Missy wasn't in her cage, and the fucking moving men let her out. I'm fairly certain it was by accident too, because my dad knew not to let her out. So anyways, the moving men lost my cat. I was upset, but I rarely cry about things. And it's not just I knew that it was my fault. I lost another cat a few years ago. Basically, what happened was she was sleeping on the top of my garage door while it was up, and when my mom made it go down, she got caught and broke her neck. I was really sad, but I didn't cry. And before that, I had a cat who was violent, and she had to get put down because of a brain tumor. Once more, sad but didn't cry. The one that most effected me, though, was the one with the garage door, as we had her for at least 5 years. I still find myself sad about her death. So, the best thing that I can say is I'm sorry for your loss, and I can't imagine what emotional torment you are going through.

 

[Headsprouter]

Anyway, I'm hoping for the best for you at the moment. I do agree closure would be the best. I hate to imagine having a lost pet and knowing nothing about its whereabouts. If you ever feel like venting, without making a new thread to do so, feel free to PM me.

That's a very Caramel Frappe-ish thing to offer. And that's a compliment. Thank you.

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It seems like a very strange thing to do, I can't imagine taking her out into the street attached to a harness, especially considering the type of cramped little neighbourhood I live in.. My cat is a bossy, rough and tumble cat like yours who enjoys clawing hands and forearms to pieces, then licking them. Also pretty talkative, and especially noisy when she knew that I had Chinese food. Last I saw her, I gave her a couple of pieces of beef like I normally do when I get a beef chow mein. Then she left the room. She had been let out earlier that day. I wish she hadn't been let out again, maybe we'd have avoided all of this.

My cat's called Neer, by the way. We were told she was a male when he got her, so we decided on Nero, but I never liked how it sounded, and neither did my little brother, so she's always been Neer, to us. Then, of course when we went to get her neutered we found out she was in fact, a female. It's still a weird name, though.

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Sounds to me like you deal with things in a different way than I do. I have always found it difficult to hold in my emotions. If I was to start talking to you about my missing cat right now, in person, describing how it feels, I guarantee I'd break down. I don't think I'd mind being the way you are too much, considering it can make you look more rational. Crying is embarrassing, and if you do cry, somebody treating you like shit willingly will only use it as an excuse to continue doing so. In men, I feel crying has a stigma attached to it. And the worst thing, I don't think it's even necessary. Am I not able to get my emotions out without tears? Apparently not.

As for your cats, I'm not sure how you even got as far as the third considering how unlucky you've been, and I can't imagine how frustrated you must have been concerning Missy. Considering all those cats that haven't made it to a death by old age, I'd feel the world was out to get me if I was in your position. I certainly feel that way, now. I did the best I could for my cat, and always made sure she was safe, yet the world throws me a curveball and possibly kills her off. I don't need that, right now. Nobody does.

 

[beastro]

It seems like a very strange thing to do, I can't imagine taking her out into the street attached to a harness, especially considering the type of cramped little neighbourhood I live in..

I live right next to a cemetery along with plenty of suburban alleyways. I guess it does seem odd to someone who's not used to it or used to walking a dog, but I had ferrets for seven years who loved to mosey and sniff every square inch they come across to feed their insatiable curiosity. In comparison Lucy is actually slower - ferts like to trot a great deal between interesting things, cats are like a cop patrolling their beat, only with liberal breaks in order to taste whatever grass they've come across.

Only real downside I can think to walking a cat is if you're a very shy, self-conscious person. You can't help but turn heads and draw comments from those passing by seeing you do something so odd, but I've always taken pride in being eccentric so it's par for course.

My cat is a bossy, rough and tumble cat like yours who enjoys clawing hands and forearms to pieces, then licking them.

Lucy was doing that with a leg just now as I was getting pizza. Appears her two hour walk this evening wasn't enough.

Also pretty talkative, and especially noisy when she knew that I had Chinese food.

Lucy's more in love with the idea of eating people food than she is with actually eating it. She'll come and eye up any meat you're eating, but 90% of the time she'll just stare and paw at any you put aside for her. Only exception seems to be demanding a bit of oatmeal raisin cookie if she's snoozing on me and I'm having some.

My cat's called Neer, by the way. We were told she was a male when he got her, so we decided on Nero, but I never liked how it sounded, and neither did my little brother, so she's always been Neer, to us. Then, of course when we went to get her neutered we found out she was in fact, a female. It's still a weird name, though.

Reminds me of the baby possum my family rescued when I was a teen. We thought he was a boy and called him Perceval until we found a house for him. Turned out he was a female, so she became Penny.

She sounds like a sweetie. I hope she comes back soon. Watching Luce wandering about they seem to fall back on retracing their path when in doubt, but if they get spooked they'll try to get away in any direction and if they go far enough they can get into terra incognita. Lucy did just that with me with a truck and parked next to us until I scooped her up and helped her find familiar ground - after that she started slinking and running back home.

 

[Headsprouter]

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We're such crazy cat-people. This was supposed to be a thread about death and loss and now we're just discussing our pets. And yeah, I am pretty shy, but mainly self-conscious. I should learn to give less of a shit, though.

I put up 25 posters around the area, promising a reward. Honestly, if she has been stolen, I really hope the thieves see the posters and decide to bring the cat back, because they'll make much more off of me than whoever they'll sell the cat to. It's not good to think that way, but in case it wasn't clear, I really want my friggin' cat back.

But of course, we'll never know. I'm not feeling very hopeful, but you need to do what you can while it matters.

 

[Padwolf]

I'm so sorry about your cat, I really am. It breaks my heart to see someone going through that pain.

I believe I've posted this story before. The worst feeling of grief I've ever gone through was two years ago, losing my cat. She had to be put down. For a long time me and my family knew something was wrong. We took her to the vets, the vets said she'll be alright, she has a cold. We had blood tests done and x-rays done and yet she apparently only had a cold. Me and my family watched her, and she didn't get better, while we had a feeling it was more than a cold, we didn't have much proof because of the vets taking blood tests and x-rays and saying it was just a cold. One month later, we had planned to take her for a second opinion, but then I'm woken up by my dog barking and scraping at my bedroom door. I opened it up and he kept trying to get me to follow him, so I did. He took me downstairs and there was my beautiful kitty laying there on the floor, barely breathing and not moving at all. I knew then and there what was going to happen, but I still had some glimpse of hope. Me and my brother got her into a carrier and got her to the vets right away. We met my mum there and when she got to us she was crying and in that moment the glimpse of hope I had just went. We took her in, the vets said that she had a HUGE cancer tumor in her stomach and it was time to put her down, they can't do anything for her, it's too late. I gave my kitty kisses on the head and she was put down.

I'm still not over it. I can't get past it. I go over in my head again and again what could have been done different. If only we had went to another vet sooner. If we knew sooner we could have had her put down sooner, could have ended her pain. She went through a month of nothing but pain and I feel that it was my fault. Even now, I can't help but cry and feel the grief and guilt and pain all over again when I so much as think about her or talk about her. She meant the world to me. She was my first cat. Well, my own very first cat. I grew up with her. She was my best friend. She had such a huge personality, she was wonderful. She was sweet, she was loving, she was an absolute madam who ruled the roost. She was an old biddy. I miss her. So here's a picture of her:

Spoiler: Snowey

My dog was amazing for alerting me that something was wrong. I love that dog.

 

[Headsprouter]

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I do think I've read this story before. Can't help but feel some resentment for that vet, but I'm sure they have burden of guilt to live with, too, even though they obviously tried several things to see if it was more than just a cold. I can't imagine your frustration, but I can relate.

She looks so content in that photo. My cat loved to sleep on my clothes. Sometimes I'd leave a certain jacket on my floor for weeks on end, just for her. If I'm completely honest, I don't think I'll ever see my cat again. I'm having to live with the pain of that possibility. I might as well prepare for the worst, but the window will be left open for a good few weeks. It hurts to look outside and walk into the kitchen/living room where I'd usually find her or go to see if she'd arrived in the back garden.

I feel kind of bad for making you relive that experience, but I'm truly thankful that you've shared. It's oddly comforting that this sort of pain is not the world screwing me over, but just life being life.

 

[Twintix]

What kind of dick-biscuit would steal someone's pet?! I'm sorry to hear about that, OP, and I hope that your cat turns up soon!

I can also speak for the grief of losing an animal. I live on the countryside, near a road, so some cats getting run over is unfortunately inevitable. Mainly because people think speed limits aren't valid out here or something. (Seriously, pretty much nobody folllows the speed limit, despite the fact that some people living near the road have children) You see, when a cat gets scared, the instinct isn't necessarily to "get to safety". It's to "get home". Sometimes, home is on the other side of the road. That's why some cats run out in front of cars, despite that they would've been fine if they'd stayed on the side of the road. The long-lived cats here have learned when to cross the road and when not to.

Once, a lady had found one of our cats run over while we were gone on vacation and left a note telling us about it. The cat's body was never found. Presumably a fox took her.

Another time, I found the cat. I saw her lying by the driveway and thought that it was a weird place to sleep on. Then I saw that she was dead. I was heartbroken. At least the one who ran her over had the heart to move her out of the way.

I lost my great-grandmother on my dad's side last New Year's Eve, but while I liked her a lot, I wasn't that close to her. So while it was sad, it wasn't soul-rendering. It was worse when I lost my mum's grandmother when I was 3. We visited her a lot, so we were close. My grief then apparently manifested in anger. I was angry at her for dying. 3-year olds can't really grasp the concept of death that well.

 

[Headsprouter]

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Thanks for the reply. I'm starting to feel sick again, so it's hard to stay positive. My area doesn't exactly have a reputation for lost cats or cats being run over, because it is essentially right next to town, and the steets are cramped, meaning the streets do have low speed limits that people have to obey for sake of simple practicality.

Your anger at your grandmother reminds me of a Yeats poem in which he personified death, and implied it took some audacity to take the life of a friend who he admired. That's a random connection for me to make, but I kind of wanted to comment on it, somehow...

 

[Padwolf]

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I do think I've read this story before. Can't help but feel some resentment for that vet, but I'm sure they have burden of guilt to live with, too, even though they obviously tried several things to see if it was more than just a cold. I can't imagine your frustration, but I can relate.

She looks so content in that photo. My cat loved to sleep on my clothes. Sometimes I'd leave a certain jacket on my floor for weeks on end, just for her. If I'm completely honest, I don't think I'll ever see my cat again. I'm having to live with the pain of that possibility. I might as well prepare for the worst, but the window will be left open for a good few weeks. It hurts to look outside and walk into the kitchen/living room where I'd usually find her or go to see if she'd arrived in the back garden.

I feel kind of bad for making you relive that experience, but I'm truly thankful that you've shared. It's oddly comforting that this sort of pain is not the world screwing me over, but just life being life.

I try not to feel any resentment towards the vets. On the one hand, they tried to do what they could. On the other hand, if it was that big of a tumor they certainly would have seen it when doing the blood tests and scans. But I try not to be resentful because I know that if I do I'll just become a very bitter person.

Your cat looks so beautiful, I really am sorry for the pain you are going through. I do hope she comes back or you find her. I have been fortunate that none of my cats have ever gone missing, there have been a few scares here and there, but only ever missed them for a day or two. Please if you ever need anything, please do message me or if you want to talk about it, just anything.

 

[laggyteabag]

My Grandad died about a year ago now from a nasty cocktail of strokes and dementia, and I do miss him, hell, sometimes when Im out I see someone who looks like him and I feel like running up to him, but yeah.

I have had a couple of cats during my lifetime. A ginger tabby by the name of Louis, he was big and furry, but he ran away, or got stolen at some point, and after a couple of months it was a pretty safe bet to say that he wasnt coming back. As much as he threw hair everywhere, he was a good cat, and even though I dont think I was old enough to really remember him, I do miss the creature. It is a little weird, but I like to think that even though he has been gone for about 10 years now, I like to think that he is still alive somewhere.

I had another cat, by the name of Lilly. She was a white Tortoiseshell cat, and I remember bringing her home, and she was so scared of us and being away from her mother that she hid under the sofa for about 2 hours straight. Cute thing, always playing with her toys and scratching up the walls and curtains, a little devil she was. She was only about a year old when she died. We buried her in the garden and planted a white rose bush over her. But even though it was sad that she was gone, it was nice to at least know what happened to her.

I really do hope that you find your cat, or at least get some closure as to what happened to her. I know it sucks, and you get the feeling that you cant really do anything about it, but hopefully if she was tagged, someone might call it in, otherwise, try to check your nearby animal shelters, should there be one. If she does come home, I bet she will be happier to see you than she has ever been. And I am so very sorry that you are going through this.

 

[PainInTheAssInternet]

Three deaths that stick with me.

1) My dad. I was 5 at the time and it has shaped a significant portion of my life. I still remember the night we were told that he was gone. Many of my earliest memories are of his funeral. I don't remember his face or voice and most of our records of him were destroyed when our basement flooded last summer.

2) His mother. She was the happiest person I'd ever known. She died quietly in her bed surrounded by the people she loved. I still remember her laugh. And her horrendous driving. She spent a few years living in Montreal. It showed in that entire side of the family.

3) My black cat, Simba. We'd nearly lost her before. She was an outdoor cat and one day she came back foaming at the mouth and with no energy. She survived, but went deaf shortly after. We believe she at grass with pesticides on it. She died five years later (going to be a year ago in late October). I loved her so much, even though I'm a very cuddly man and she is a grumpy cat. I know she liked me even though I teased her a lot. It really messed up my stepfather, though, as she was a stray his late father took in. I have her perch from the cottage serving as my cabinet here at university.

I keep editing this. Sorry.

Simba had the most distinctive meow of anything I'd ever heard. Our house is massive and she could deafen us when she was on the opposite corner. It got even louder and more abrasive when she went deaf. If she wanted food, she'd sit down, look at you and continue to meow at you. I think she could at the very least gauge how loud she was since she knew to be much quieter when we were near. It was always fun to scare her, though. Easy to sneak up on.

 

[Headsprouter]

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I'm gonna phone up local vets and animal shelters tomorrow. I'm a lot more stable at this stage, so I can talk to people about this issue. I was upset upon reading a status posted by an animal rescue facebook page about people doing really fucked up things to people's pets recently, but I'm no more upset than usual. Being honest, I've already forgotten what it's like to have her readily available in the house. Although, I'm trying to pet every cat I see in the street since she's been gone, and have been looking at every black shadow/object/cat twice to ensure it's not her. A stocky tomcat let me pet it yesterday, usually it's very shy, but this time it meowed, stretched and allowed me to scratch its back. Thank you, stocky cat, I needed that.

Simba had the most distinctive meow of anything I'd ever heard. Our house is massive and she could deafen us when she was on the opposite corner. It got even louder and more abrasive when she went deaf. If she wanted food, she'd sit down, look at you and continue to meow at you. I think she could at the very least gauge how loud she was since she knew to be much quieter when we were near. It was always fun to scare her, though. Easy to sneak up on.

There was a deaf cat on my dad's street which was just the opposite of the ones which overdo it. It would do all the facial actions of a meow as it would walk up to you, but no sound would come out. We never see it anymore, likely because the owners no longer let it out, because you know, it's deaf.
My cat's meows always ended with a little click sound like a tape cutting off every time she spoke. When ever my cat would hear me meow at her from up the stairs (that's how I called her, by meowing because I'm insane), she'd always reply with a "meow-ow?" or a "meow-ow-ow?" or if you're lucky, a "meow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow...?" As I mentioned earlier, she'd meow with her mouth closed as she ran up and down stairs. It always sound like an abrupt, rumbling purr, excuse the crude onomatopoeia, but like "rrbrbrbrbrbrbrb!"

 

[Headsprouter]

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Hello, everyone. If I didn't already, I'd like to thank you all for replying to my thread. You've all been a great help through all of this emotional turmoil. But we know what happened to Neer. It isn't good news, but it's closure, I was crying as I was discussing it with my mum, dad and siblings, earlier, but it also makes me quite happy, and that's for reasons you'll see below.

Last Wednesday/ early Thursday morning, when she went missing, Neer was hit by a car. I knew she'd always come home to us as soon as possible if she could, and it was because of an unfortunate mishap that she didn't.

So, no, Neer has not gone through any suffering, her death was instant, but it gets better.

The person who found her was an animal lover. I haven't been able to phone her, yet, but when she found Neer, she was still warm. She buried her in a box in her back garden.

Now, Neer did not have being run over by a car coming, she was far too nice of a cat for that, but in the event that it did happen, that is precisely what I'd want for her. Nothing but the finest of human kindness.

I phoned her just there, and I'm welcome to come round and at least see the grave site. We could also retrieve the box for some final closure. Apparently she was almost identical to her cat, Loki. Neer did not have a mark on her when she was found.

I'm upset, but so happy that what I thought had happened had not happened. I drove myself insane thinking that. But now I can focus on what matters. Three years of a brilliant wee cat. I've always loved cats, but Neer will always be the one that made me love them that much more. My first cat, and loyal, beloved companion.

So that's it, honestly, I can't help but look back and smile. Thanks everybody who shared their stories, and shared your advice and experience with me. Here's to remembering the good times.

captcha: you can do this

Appropriate!

 

[PhD.Hooves]

Long story short, my cat went missing a couple days ago, and putting together bits of information I've heard from my neighbours (and her loyalty as a cat) I believe she has been stolen. My last glimmer of hope was the disappearance of the food I would leave outside, I left my phone out and filmed a video, and wouldn't you know it, it was not my cat.

With that last glimmer extinguished, I have started to feel more physically ill than I did beforehand. Now my lack of appetite, restlessness, stomach pain, sleeplessness and chills have been accompanied by a burning sensation in my upper spine.

And then there's the lump in my throat.

Normally I leave most my venting to the ^ < V thread in the Forum Games, but at this point I just want to let it all out in one place, and spare the poor sods who have to try and enjoy the thread amongst my constant pining for my lost pet.

Interestingly enough, this is the first time I've ever lost someone I cared about. Now, non pet owners might not understand how close you can really get to an animal, but this cat totally changed the way me and my little brother viewed cats in general. She became a part of our language. My little brother could barely go a sentence without some mention of her or our bunnies. We obsess over our pets.

But yeah, that never happened to me until now. Losing someone has always been my greatest fear. It would often keep me awake when I was younger, just thinking about it. I always feared how I would react to the loss of somebody else, and how people would react if I were to go. Does that last bit sound big-headed? Or is it me loving the people who love me back and never wanting to cause them any major emotional stress?

Anyway, here I am, finally there, finally feeling that grief, that sense of loss I always feared.

Needless to say, it's pretty shitty. We can all agree on that, but this thread still needs some discussion value. It's been all about me, so far. So what about the Escapists?
Try and talk about stuff relating to that feeling of grief. Have you ever lost somebody? How did you feel? How did it take you to move on? Was it clustered with a bunch of other issues? It doesn't have to be death, it could be a breakup of some kind. Maybe you observed how a loved one reacted to the death of somebody they knew well, but you didn't. Did you try to help, or did you leave them to it? How did it change them, if at all? Have you been changed by a loss?

Yes, this thread is another one of those depressing and morbid ones. But hopefully it can also work as a sort of self-help group. Another key thing to talk about are good ways to cope.

Spoiler: The beautiful cat in question.

<3

Just wanted to say to not give up and maybe give a little advice. One thing I've heard for dogs is to put things out that smell like you in places the dog was last seen. Something like, leave a shirt you wore for a day at a park the dog frequents. Supposedly when you go back, the dog will stay with the object until you return. I'm not sure if the same will work with cats, but it's worth a try. And definitely put up posters. Someone may have picked up your cat thinking it was a stray or something. Even if they 'stole' your cat, maybe when they see someone really wants the animal back, they'll reconsider and return it to you.

If you are able to get your cat back, you should look into some preventative measures in case something happens again. This sort of thing is normally less likely with a cat, since unlink dogs they don't like to roam and claim vast areas for their territory, but it can't hurt. Consider getting your cat chipped; if someone takes them to vet or a pound they will be able to see that you are the owner and the cat will be returned to you, even if the other person is trying to claim the animal is their own. I also invested in something called the Iota on Kickstartr. It's out of the funding phase but I'm sure they will have a commercial product after they've shipped them out to backers (est. Jan 2015).

 

[Headsprouter]

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Bud, you should probs check my latest post. :L

Dust in the wind. I miss her, but as long as she never suffered.

 

[CpT_x_Killsteal]

Well, don't give up hope. My friend's cat disappeared suddenly and showed up a month later skinny and bedraggled. Maybe your cat will as well.

I want to put up lost cat posters at some point. Maybe today. If she did somehow manage to make her way back it would be amazing. Although I'm not sure how long it would be before I'd trust her enough to let her go roam the streets again.

I have a very defeatist attitude at the minute, but if she did manage to make her way home at some point I don't think I'd ever stop thanking the universe for reuniting us.

I lost a cat quite a ways back who turned up 3-5 years later. The exact same cat. While I wouldn't be holding a candle, it can happen. We lived in the bush and she eventually turned up down the street in the rafters of our neighbour's garage.

OT: I live on acreage and my mum was kind of unstable at the time and didn't neuter the dogs. All up one of our dogs gave birth like 4-5 times. We ended up keeping a few of them, all but one are dead. Drowning the the damn, ticks, and roadkill (I know who did it too). We've hard horses succumb to age, snake bites, and one who got stuck in the mud in the bush. To this day I still get pissed looking back on it. Our neighbour "tried" to save Timmy, but he was fat and lazy at the time so I'd bet anything he just went "meh" and shot him (he's a top bloke now though(I think we were all in a shitty place mentally a few years ago)). Then there were our cats, most of which died from snake bites, or form what we assume were snake bites as some of their bodies never turned up. And a few months ago the dog I got for my fourth birthday (1999) had to be put down. He was old, and his leg got dislocated from trying to get down off the couch (which my mum helped him up on after i expressly told her not to... sigh (this is why I have problems trusting people)).

Anyway, this is not my thread, so here's how I dealt with it.

I've become sort of numb. No more tears to cry; not to the death of animals anyway. I sort of just remember the good memories I've had with them, the loving ones. I've come to realise that there's no point in letting grief on consume me. Heck when my oldest dog died all I could do was smile and remember vividly my memories with him. Anyway, that's how I handle the death of loved pets (now anyway).

 

[PhD.Hooves]

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Bud, you should probs check my latest post. :L

Dust in the wind. I miss her, but as long as she never suffered.

Ah, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad you got closure though. My family dog died a few years back and it was WAY harder than I thought it would be considering it was a long time coming (he was over 100 lbs and he lived to just shy of 17). He was having internal organ failure and still refused to pass away on his own so we had to put him down.

I can imagine it's much worse when you're not expecting it.

 

[Hero of Lime]

So sorry to hear that she really is gone. But like you said, the less suffering she had the better. I wish you had a chance to say goodbye. When my dad and sister took my cat to the cancer place to be put down, I got a few moments to say my goodbyes and it certainly helped to have a definite end. Though I get a little teary eyed even now when I think about it.

Sorry for the slight ramble, but once again, my condolences.

 

[Headsprouter]

So sorry to hear that she really is gone. But like you said, the less suffering she had the better. I wish you had a chance to say goodbye. When my dad and sister took my cat to the cancer place to be put down, I got a few moments to say my goodbyes and it certainly helped to have a definite end. Though I get a little teary eyed even now when I think about it.

Sorry for the slight ramble, but once again, my condolences.

Thanks. Now I'm troubled with a decision of whether to retrieve the box she's contained in at her grave site to check if it really is her. If that is the case, I'm terrified I'll want to undo my decision as soon as I find out, considering the taboos of digging up graves and such, and then there's seeing the rotting corpse of my beloved cat.

I'm interested in confirming, though, and being able to lay eyes upon and touch her one last time.

 

[Hero of Lime]

So sorry to hear that she really is gone. But like you said, the less suffering she had the better. I wish you had a chance to say goodbye. When my dad and sister took my cat to the cancer place to be put down, I got a few moments to say my goodbyes and it certainly helped to have a definite end. Though I get a little teary eyed even now when I think about it.

Sorry for the slight ramble, but once again, my condolences.

Thanks. Now I'm troubled with a decision of whether to retrieve the box she's contained in at her grave site to check if it really is her. If that is the case, I'm terrified I'll want to undo my decision as soon as I find out, considering the taboos of digging up graves and such, and then there's seeing the rotting corpse of my beloved cat.

I'm interested in confirming, though, and being able to lay eyes upon and touch her one last time.

That's a tough choice. Personally, I would not open the box to look at her again. For one, corpses disturb me tremendously, especially of loved ones. Plus I would keep all memories of her as she was alive. It's your choice of course.