Female Perspective - Friend Zone

[Owyn_Merrilin]

No need to apologize you are backing up my point, thank you

The apology was directed at all men, rather than just at you. ^^;;

The friend zone is a defense mechanism. Don't worry, women have a whole pile of our own defense mechanisms for when the guy we like doesn't like us back. The Sex and the City quote is actually "he's just not that in to you" - and is the "male perspective" on women and their defense mechanisms. I just reversed it for a similar situation.

As a defense mechanism, it's highly counterproductive. The kind of guy who will put up with being friend zoned is the kind of guy who you don't have to worry about flipping out if he gets rejected; speaking as a guy who has been friendzoned way too many times to count, quit it. All it does is confuse us, keep us away from other girls who might actually say yes, and get you a whole lot of unwanted attention. A simple "sorry, I'm not interested" will be a lot better for both parties than something that gives the poor stiff a false sense of hope.

 

[artanis_neravar]

Friend zone. Pffft. I'd kill to be in the friend zone. All my old love interests just called the police on me when I tried to ask them out. I don't mind though, I'm an animal lover and since my ex-girlfriend rejected me she's adopted over a dozen rottweiler puppies that otherwise would've been destroyed.

OK I laughed at this, was that your intention or am I just a bad person?

 

[AnkaraTheFallen]

I was responding to a post about the Friend Zone in another thread and I was wondering what the women/girls/ladies on this site think about the whole idea. (I am male)
Also I am aware that the thread title might draw guys here believing that this is a females perspective which is what I was hoping for, because the male perspective can be useful too.

Yeah... as a woman, I would say that the friend zone is a fiction. If we're attracted to you early on, we're just as attracted to you later.

When a girl says "I want to stay friends" - it's because we aren't attracted to you in the first place. The woman in question sees you as a friend, not because you "waited too long" but because you don't fit her ideal of a mate. Maybe you have the wrong hair color, or the wrong build, or the wrong ass. It doesn't mean you aren't attractive, just that you don't fit her particular desire or fetish.

To quote "Sex and the City" it just means "she isn't in to you".

Want evidence? My spouse and I were friends for three years before we had a one-night stand that turned into friends-with-benefits which turned into a relationship.

Happily married 7 years this summer.

So yeah, if a girl is attracted to you, it doesn't matter how long you've been "just friends" - things can work out. If she's not, she's not. Sorry.

Yup pretty much this. Sorry guys but when a girl says she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you it's not because you waited too long, it because she just doesn't see you as someone she'd want to have a relationship with.

And to the OP: I'd agree with all your reasons behind a girl saying "I don't want to ruin our friendship" , I must admit I've used it for most of those reasons because there's not much else I can say without hurting the persons feelings.

 

[Gxas]

The whole concept basically disappears after high school, too.

Pssh. I envy you then. I've been out of high school for three years now and that shit hasn't stopped. People still rage about it and girls still pull it out as a last ditch "I don't want to hurt your feelings, so I'll just crush them" effort.

 

[GiantRaven]

http://www.laddertheory.com/

Ladder theory here to save the day!

That's a joke right?

Dear god please let that be a joke.

 

[nightwolf667]

I'm gonna go with Bara_no_Hime on this one, if you get zoned it's not for any other reason than "she's just not into you" and the same thing applies for girls with guys "he's just not that into you".

As a woman, I can say that girls get put in the friend's zone as often as boys. But it doesn't mean that she/he won't grow to be attracted to you later. I was zoned by my first boyfriend for half a year before we started dating, but we became good friends in that time period and the relationship was stronger because of it. I zoned my current boyfriend about four-five months before we started dating because I wasn't interested in a relationship. But again, we became good friends during that time period and our relationship is stronger because of it.

It's not an "either or" here. Sometimes relationships take time to grow, for attraction to slowly develop, and sometimes they don't. There have been guys who were interested in me but I've never been interested in them, but we were still friends. But I've never had the rom-com worries that moving forward from friendship would ruin what we had. If I thought the guy was worth it I'd take the leap.

Honestly, I don't think there are any easy answers. The friend's zone is the friend's zone. Sometimes you get out. Sometimes you don't.

 

[artanis_neravar]

No need to apologize you are backing up my point, thank you

The apology was directed at all men, rather than just at you. ^^;;

The friend zone is a defense mechanism. Don't worry, women have a whole pile of our own defense mechanisms for when the guy we like doesn't like us back. The Sex and the City quote is actually "he's just not that in to you" - and is the "male perspective" on women and their defense mechanisms. I just reversed it for a similar situation.

As a defense mechanism, it's highly counterproductive. The kind of guy who will put up with being friend zoned is the kind of guy who you don't have to worry about flipping out if he gets rejected; speaking as a guy who has been friendzoned way too many times to count, quit it. All it does is confuse us, keep us away from other girls who might actually say yes, and get you a whole lot of unwanted attention. A simple "sorry, I'm not interested" will be a lot better for both parties than something that gives the poor stiff a false sense of hope.

She meant a defense mechanism for the guys, its something the guys come up in order to make themselves feel better about the rejection. The guys who start being friends with a girl because they have feelings for her then when she tells him no he decides it's because they are too good of friends to try a relationship

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

As a defense mechanism, it's highly counterproductive. The kind of guy who will put up with being friend zoned is the kind of guy who you don't have to worry about flipping out if he gets rejected; speaking as a guy who has been friendzoned way too many times to count, quit it. All it does is confuse us, keep us away from other girls who might actually say yes, and get you a whole lot of unwanted attention. A simple "sorry, I'm not interested" will be a lot better for both parties than something that gives the poor stiff a false sense of hope.

You misunderstand. It's a defense mechanism that GUYS make up. Girls don't put in the friend zone - they reject a guy, and that guy just can't believe he's been rejected, so he makes up a "friend zone" that says that he waited too long to explain why the girl doesn't want him.

It is the guy who creates the friend zone, and it is a guy defense mechanism. So the only one being counterproductive is the guy who thinks he waited too long.

 

[DonMartin]

This, a thousand times this.

 

[AnkaraTheFallen]

As a defense mechanism, it's highly counterproductive. The kind of guy who will put up with being friend zoned is the kind of guy who you don't have to worry about flipping out if he gets rejected; speaking as a guy who has been friendzoned way too many times to count, quit it. All it does is confuse us, keep us away from other girls who might actually say yes, and get you a whole lot of unwanted attention. A simple "sorry, I'm not interested" will be a lot better for both parties than something that gives the poor stiff a false sense of hope.

No offence, but it is very hard (at least I find it hard) to say to someone that your not interested in them, especially if you are friends (which you probably are if you think of yourself as friendzoned). I'll admit it probably is an annoying thing for a girl to say to you, but often it's because we'd feel horrible for just saying we don't find the person attractive.

 

[mandaforever]

As you saw in that other thread, OP, my opinion is that of whether it exists or not, if you care about the person, then it won't matter that she didn't choose you.

I may not be a girl, but the friends that I have agree with my opinion on this. The girl will appreciate you more if you stick around and don't just get hurt and give her up like a bad job when she turns you down.

Friends are more important than romantic relationships!

I would love to hear some female perspectives on this "phenomeneon" though!

^^^this.

 

[ZtH]

No offence, but it is very hard (at least I find it hard) to say to someone that your not interested in them, especially if you are friends (which you probably are if you think of yourself as friendzoned). I'll admit it probably is an annoying thing for a girl to say to you, but often it's because we'd feel horrible for just saying we don't find the person attractive.

I'll agree it's difficult, but sometimes the difficult thing is the right thing to do. If you come out with it honestly it can avert some really nasty moods for both you and the person you're dealing with. The same thing as being confident enough to just ask someone out applies here, sometimes you just have to be cold enough to avert a slow and torturous train wreck.

 

[Owyn_Merrilin]

No need to apologize you are backing up my point, thank you

The apology was directed at all men, rather than just at you. ^^;;

The friend zone is a defense mechanism. Don't worry, women have a whole pile of our own defense mechanisms for when the guy we like doesn't like us back. The Sex and the City quote is actually "he's just not that in to you" - and is the "male perspective" on women and their defense mechanisms. I just reversed it for a similar situation.

As a defense mechanism, it's highly counterproductive. The kind of guy who will put up with being friend zoned is the kind of guy who you don't have to worry about flipping out if he gets rejected; speaking as a guy who has been friendzoned way too many times to count, quit it. All it does is confuse us, keep us away from other girls who might actually say yes, and get you a whole lot of unwanted attention. A simple "sorry, I'm not interested" will be a lot better for both parties than something that gives the poor stiff a false sense of hope.

She meant a defense mechanism for the guys, its something the guys come up in order to make themselves feel better about the rejection. The guys who start being friends with a girl because they have feelings for her then when she tells him no he decides it's because they are too good of friends to try a relationship

As a defense mechanism, it's highly counterproductive. The kind of guy who will put up with being friend zoned is the kind of guy who you don't have to worry about flipping out if he gets rejected; speaking as a guy who has been friendzoned way too many times to count, quit it. All it does is confuse us, keep us away from other girls who might actually say yes, and get you a whole lot of unwanted attention. A simple "sorry, I'm not interested" will be a lot better for both parties than something that gives the poor stiff a false sense of hope.

You misunderstand. It's a defense mechanism that GUYS make up. Girls don't put in the friend zone - they reject a guy, and that guy just can't believe he's been rejected, so he makes up a "friend zone" that says that he waited too long to explain why the girl doesn't want him.

It is the guy who creates the friend zone, and it is a guy defense mechanism. So the only one being counterproductive is the guy who thinks he waited too long.

See, I don't buy that. 90% of the rejections I've had over the years have taken the form of "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in dating anybody right now" -- emphasis on the "right now," because it's almost always delivered in a way that can be taken as "I'm not currently ready, but I may be eventually" -- or some other expanded form of "it's not you, it's me." I think the real problem is what AnkaraTheFallen said:

As a defense mechanism, it's highly counterproductive. The kind of guy who will put up with being friend zoned is the kind of guy who you don't have to worry about flipping out if he gets rejected; speaking as a guy who has been friendzoned way too many times to count, quit it. All it does is confuse us, keep us away from other girls who might actually say yes, and get you a whole lot of unwanted attention. A simple "sorry, I'm not interested" will be a lot better for both parties than something that gives the poor stiff a false sense of hope.

No offence, but it is very hard (at least I find it hard) to say to someone that your not interested in them, especially if you are friends (which you probably are if you think of yourself as friendzoned). I'll admit it probably is an annoying thing for a girl to say to you, but often it's because we'd feel horrible for just saying we don't find the person attractive.

It's a matter of the girls not being upfront enough about their own feelings, out of a misguided attempt to spare the guy some heartbreak. Speaking from experience, it only makes it worse in the end.

Edit: Zamiel has it right:

No offence, but it is very hard (at least I find it hard) to say to someone that your not interested in them, especially if you are friends (which you probably are if you think of yourself as friendzoned). I'll admit it probably is an annoying thing for a girl to say to you, but often it's because we'd feel horrible for just saying we don't find the person attractive.

I'll agree it's difficult, but sometimes the difficult thing is the right thing to do. If you come out with it honestly it can avert some really nasty moods for both you and the person you're dealing with. The same thing as being confident enough to just ask someone out applies here, sometimes you just have to be cold enough to avert a slow and torturous train wreck.

 

[Kahunaburger]

No offence, but it is very hard (at least I find it hard) to say to someone that your not interested in them, especially if you are friends (which you probably are if you think of yourself as friendzoned). I'll admit it probably is an annoying thing for a girl to say to you, but often it's because we'd feel horrible for just saying we don't find the person attractive.

I'll agree it's difficult, but sometimes the difficult thing is the right thing to do. If you come out with it honestly it can avert some really nasty moods for both you and the person you're dealing with. The same thing as being confident enough to just ask someone out applies here, sometimes you just have to be cold enough to avert a slow and torturous train wreck.

Or, alternately, dudes could just start interpreting a "no, but I still like you as a friend" as "no, but I still like you as a friend" instead of "reply hazy try again."

 

[AnkaraTheFallen]

I'll agree it's difficult, but sometimes the difficult thing is the right thing to do. If you come out with it honestly it can avert some really nasty moods for both you and the person you're dealing with. The same thing as being confident enough to just ask someone out applies here, sometimes you just have to be cold enough to avert a slow and torturous train wreck.

Agreed, it probably is, and I did say that to the first friend who asked me out, and it just caused a lot of awkwardness and problems afterwords. He even went to the point of trying to change the kind of person he was to try and suit me, so I'd like him. And when I still didn't he went off and started claiming it must be because there was something wrong with me or something (and generally spreading rumours around that I'd rather soon forget about), and ultimately broke my group of friends up completely. That's why I'm now too worried to just say I don't find someone attractive.

 

[ZtH]

Or, alternately, dudes could just start interpreting a "no, but I still like you as a friend" as "no, but I still like you as a friend" instead of "reply hazy try again."

I wasn't referring to "No, but I still like you as a friend" as that is a clear rejection. I was thinking more along the lines of "I'm just not ready for a relationship right now."

 

[mandaforever]

No offence, but it is very hard (at least I find it hard) to say to someone that your not interested in them, especially if you are friends (which you probably are if you think of yourself as friendzoned). I'll admit it probably is an annoying thing for a girl to say to you, but often it's because we'd feel horrible for just saying we don't find the person attractive.

I'll agree it's difficult, but sometimes the difficult thing is the right thing to do. If you come out with it honestly it can avert some really nasty moods for both you and the person you're dealing with. The same thing as being confident enough to just ask someone out applies here, sometimes you just have to be cold enough to avert a slow and torturous train wreck.

I think you're right, but there have been times when I've straight up said I'm not interested, then the guy gets visually upset and mopes around and whines...and makes me feel guilty and sorry. That's why we try to avoid that...it's really hard.

Also, sometimes we (girls I mean) just want to be friends with you because we think you're awesome people, you're just awesome in a friend way or youre not our type (at least it's that way for me). Why can't guys and girls just be friends? Sometimes it's better that way. Just because you are interested in someone doesnt mean you have to be going out....you could love them and care for them as a friend.

I remained friends with my ex after he dumped me and channeled all my caring for him into just being the best friend I could possibly be to him. Love and caring doesn't always mean dating, it comes in many forms.

 

[Owyn_Merrilin]

I'll agree it's difficult, but sometimes the difficult thing is the right thing to do. If you come out with it honestly it can avert some really nasty moods for both you and the person you're dealing with. The same thing as being confident enough to just ask someone out applies here, sometimes you just have to be cold enough to avert a slow and torturous train wreck.

Agreed, it probably is, and I did say that to the first friend who asked me out, and it just caused a lot of awkwardness and problems afterwords. He even went to the point of trying to change the kind of person he was to try and suit me, so I'd like him. And when I still didn't he went off and started claiming it must be because there was something wrong with me or something (and generally spreading rumours around that I'd rather soon forget about), and ultimately broke my group of friends up completely. That's why I'm now too worried to just say I don't find someone attractive.

All I have to say is, if you thought that guy was persistent when you gave him an honest "no," you should feel lucky you didn't give him the typical, waffle-y friend zone response; it would have been 10 times worse.

 

[ZtH]

Agreed, it probably is, and I did say that to the first friend who asked me out, and it just caused a lot of awkwardness and problems afterwords. He even went to the point of trying to change the kind of person he was to try and suit me, so I'd like him. And when I still didn't he went off and started claiming it must be because there was something wrong with me or something (and generally spreading rumours around that I'd rather soon forget about), and ultimately broke my group of friends up completely. That's why I'm now too worried to just say I don't find someone attractive.

That is incredibly unfortunate, I certainly understand your hesitation. It sucks how poorly these things can turn out. People make themselves really vulnerable when they seek a relationship so any negativity can be amplified just by virtue of them not having their normal defenses up. There is no real "right" solution that works for every case, but I think that most of the people that would go off like that would do it regardless of the form of the rejection.

 

[artanis_neravar]

See, I don't buy that. 90% of the rejections I've had over the years have taken the form of "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in dating anybody right now" -- emphasis on the "right now," because it's almost always delivered in a way that can be taken as "I'm not currently ready, but I may be eventually" -- or some other expanded form of "it's not you, it's me."

In that case it's not really "friend-zone" it's more false hope, and I agree there are ways to let a guy off easily with out leading him on. Being led on sucks, The first girl I liked in college I told her I liked her, and she told me she needed to think about how she felt, after two months of being extremely flirty, lots of playful physical contact and closeness she tells me she doesn't feel the same way, two days later through facebook I find out during that two month period she met someone else and the started a relationship the day she told me she wasn't interested. I may have said some inappropriate things and haven't talked to her since.