Female Perspective - Friend Zone

[Bara_no_Hime]

I have to disagree with you on that. Admittedly, I'm not a woman so I'm speaking from the perspective of a male, but I don't actually think the two are all that different.

I've had multiple instances where I would initially be attracted to a new girl in my class or with a group of friends, only to see that she isn't picking up on me flirting with her or is simply ignoring my advances, so I back off and direct my attention elsewhere. After making friends with these girls, I find out later that they were really into me but were too shy to do anything about it, and by that time, I wasn't attracted to them anymore. The "waiting too long" thing is true, even if it isn't true in all cases.

... but that isn't the case at all, is it?

It was YOUR attraction that waned. Later, the women admitted that they felt you were an acceptable partner (desirable even) but you no longer wanted them. That is an entirely different situation of getting to know someone and deciding you don't actually like them.

I'll bet that if you had still been interested, you could have had either of the ones in your example even after you were friends with them. If I am interested in a guy, and he asks me out, I will pretty much say yes (baring other issues, like being in another relationship). We could have been friends for days, weeks, or years.

 

[Kahunaburger]

I've had multiple instances where I would initially be attracted to a new girl in my class or with a group of friends, only to see that she isn't picking up on me flirting with her or is simply ignoring my advances, so I back off and direct my attention elsewhere. After making friends with these girls, I find out later that they were really into me but were too shy to do anything about it, and by that time, I wasn't attracted to them anymore. The "waiting too long" thing is true, even if it isn't true in all cases.

Well, in that case you probably lucked out by waiting, honestly. If you become less attracted to someone the more you know them, you aren't actually attracted to that person. The point is, however, that you don't need to evoke some sort of "friend zone" to explain this.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

The reason you find athletes to be very good looking is because of their line of work, you're almost guaranteed a healthy and fit parter, if not; a partner who's financial stability is also guaranteed. Also add into consideration that such a man is the ideal mate to bear your child (one who is physically and/or financially fit).

NO... the reason I find many athletes physically attractive is because... they're physically fit. Not, say, overweight. Also, because sports is a business, they also tend to have nice faces.

I wouldn't marry a athlete. I prefer a partner with brains. Doesn't mean athletes aren't pretty to look at.

 

[Danglybits]

I was responding to a post about the Friend Zone in another thread and I was wondering what the women/girls/ladies on this site think about the whole idea. (I am male)
Also I am aware that the thread title might draw guys here believing that this is a females perspective which is what I was hoping for, because the male perspective can be useful too.

Yeah... as a woman, I would say that the friend zone is a fiction. If we're attracted to you early on, we're just as attracted to you later.

When a girl says "I want to stay friends" - it's because we aren't attracted to you in the first place. The woman in question sees you as a friend, not because you "waited too long" but because you don't fit her ideal of a mate. Maybe you have the wrong hair color, or the wrong build, or the wrong ass. It doesn't mean you aren't attractive, just that you don't fit her particular desire or fetish.

To quote "Sex and the City" it just means "she isn't in to you".

Want evidence? My spouse and I were friends for three years before we had a one-night stand that turned into friends-with-benefits which turned into a relationship.

Happily married 7 years this summer.

So yeah, if a girl is attracted to you, it doesn't matter how long you've been "just friends" - things can work out. If she's not, she's not. Sorry.

I think that's all that needs to be said. Even if we say we want to be friends that doesn't mean we're being dishonest, or mean. You don't do it for her. Sometimes that changes but don't hang around and be her friend if that's the only reason you like spending time with her. Imagine how much more fun this is when you're talking same-sex attraction. Now that is a really inescapable friend-zone.

 

[Alorxico]

I don't think the "friend zone" is exclusively a female thing. Guys do it, too, and for the same reasons; they are not interested in you emotionally, physically, or romantically. The "friend zone" is a way of telling someone 'You are a nice person, I like spending time with you, but I do not want to invest in a relationship with you because you do not meet my vision of the ideal partner."

ya, I agree..I've ben friend zoned by a guy before... :/ it kind of slowly faded into nothing. Not a pleasant experience at all...I feel bad cause I've done the same to guys.

I've been "friend zoned" twice and both times stunk. First guy wasn't allowed to date outside of his religion, so he friend zoned me and started introducing me to everyone as his "sister".

The second fellow started hanging out with me just to get to know a friend of mine. Shortly after he "friend zoned" me, he started dating her and realized he didn't like her, so he back trotting back to me and acted like nothing had happened. I got mad and said "Oh, gee, I'm really sorry, but I just don't SEE you that way. You're nice and all, but I think we should just be friends." which was the EXACT think he had said to me. Sad part was, he was really sorry he had hurt me and once I got over my anger we might have been good together, but my job transferred me out of state while I was still mad at him and threw away his email address.

 

[Kahunaburger]

snip

Is there any experimental data supporting ladder "theory?" No? Go figure.

 

[Danglybits]

The reason you find athletes to be very good looking is because of their line of work, you're almost guaranteed a healthy and fit parter, if not; a partner who's financial stability is also guaranteed. Also add into consideration that such a man is the ideal mate to bear your child (one who is physically and/or financially fit).

NO... the reason I find many athletes physically attractive is because... they're physically fit. Not, say, overweight. Also, because sports is a business, they also tend to have nice faces.

I wouldn't marry a athlete. I prefer a partner with brains. Doesn't mean athletes aren't pretty to look at.

Depends on the sport. Boxers and hockey players no as much. You're right, there's more to a mate than just their looks that makes them attractive.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

The Friend Zone is real, though I feel terrible about it. I had this really great friend who was a guy. He was my best friend during middle school (before he moved across the country). Unfortunately, he had a crush on me. I tried to see him in that manner because of how guilty I felt over not reciprocating, but it didn't work. He was my best friend, and nothing more. He was persistent throughout the time he lived in the same state as me, and that didn't help my feelings of guilt at all.

Yeah, but there wasn't a magical time when you would have been interested in him, would there have been? From the moment you met him and weren't attracted, you would never have considered dating him... right?

Cause the "friend zone" the OP is talking about the "if a guy waits too long to ask you out, you will no longer consider him a possible romantic partner" thing. Which I say is bull.

Sure, there are guys (and girls) who I don't consider romantic partners. I know a number of people who I don't find attractive and would never date, but who I am friends with. That isn't the "friend zone" as defined by the OP - that's just not being attracted to someone who you like as a friend.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

Depends on the sport. Boxers and hockey players no as much. You're right, there's more to a mate than just their looks that makes them attractive.

I was thinking baseball, actually. Lot of cute baseball players. I don't know any of their names, though - I don't need to.

 

[eclipsed_chemistry]

I have to disagree with you on that. Admittedly, I'm not a woman so I'm speaking from the perspective of a male, but I don't actually think the two are all that different.

I've had multiple instances where I would initially be attracted to a new girl in my class or with a group of friends, only to see that she isn't picking up on me flirting with her or is simply ignoring my advances, so I back off and direct my attention elsewhere. After making friends with these girls, I find out later that they were really into me but were too shy to do anything about it, and by that time, I wasn't attracted to them anymore. The "waiting too long" thing is true, even if it isn't true in all cases.

... but that isn't the case at all, is it?

It was YOUR attraction that waned. Later, the women admitted that they felt you were an acceptable partner (desirable even) but you no longer wanted them. That is an entirely different situation of getting to know someone and deciding you don't actually like them.

I'll bet that if you had still been interested, you could have had either of the ones in your example even after you were friends with them. If I am interested in a guy, and he asks me out, I will pretty much say yes (baring other issues, like being in another relationship). We could have been friends for days, weeks, or years.

Clearly, we're two very different people with very different opinions, so I'm fine with leaving it at that. I'm not going to convince you of my line of thinking, and you're not going to do the same with me and that's fine. If I may, I still think you're drawing from your experience with your spouse and aren't considering that what I'm saying might be true (and vice-versa, admittedly I've never been friends with a girl for a long time before dating her). Happy to hear you're still with your spouse. I hope you lead a very happy life.

 

[artanis_neravar]

The friend zone is when a guy waits to long to ask a girl out and she, from that point on, will only see him as a friend or brotherly figure

time has nothing to do with it, it's all attraction. if the girl isn't attracted to you then you will end up in the friend zone.

what you have to do to be the attractive guy that's never in the friend zone unless you want to be... thats a whole different story.


Ps: i would like to mention that ladder theory, whilst it's kinda got the right idea, is total bullshit.

Most women don't really care about looks (as long as the guy is alright looking), and money is not the most important thing to women when considering attraction.

When I refer to the friend zone it's from the people who say if you don't ask her out now you will end up in the friend zone, also I agree that the ladder theory is bullshit

 

[Annoying Turd]

This is why I'm lonely.

 

[eclipsed_chemistry]

I've had multiple instances where I would initially be attracted to a new girl in my class or with a group of friends, only to see that she isn't picking up on me flirting with her or is simply ignoring my advances, so I back off and direct my attention elsewhere. After making friends with these girls, I find out later that they were really into me but were too shy to do anything about it, and by that time, I wasn't attracted to them anymore. The "waiting too long" thing is true, even if it isn't true in all cases.

Well, in that case you probably lucked out by waiting, honestly. If you become less attracted to someone the more you know them, you aren't actually attracted to that person. The point is, however, that you don't need to evoke some sort of "friend zone" to explain this.

Well, it's not that I'm "less attracted" to them, per se, it's just that in my mind, I've told myself that I'm honoring their initial wishes of not wanting to go out with me. If she's not having that, then that's fine, I don't take it personally and I move on. When a friend of two years just up and tells you that she is and always has been attracted to you, you don't just flick a switch that says "she's available and I'm going to go out with her RIGHT NOW!" Maybe that's a tad bit immature on my part, but I don't know how to go from "being friends" to being "more than friends", I've never done that before. It's like when you're on a first date and the topic of kissing at the end of the night comes up. Now it's kind of awkward because you don't know what the other person wants, or if you SHOULD do something, and it just feels unnatural. I guess that's what it was more than anything, it just didn't feel natural even though she's a wonderful person and I find her to be beautiful.

 

[artanis_neravar]

The Friend Zone is real, though I feel terrible about it. I had this really great friend who was a guy. He was my best friend during middle school (before he moved across the country). Unfortunately, he had a crush on me. I tried to see him in that manner because of how guilty I felt over not reciprocating, but it didn't work. He was my best friend, and nothing more. He was persistent throughout the time he lived in the same state as me, and that didn't help my feelings of guilt at all.

Yeah, but there wasn't a magical time when you would have been interested in him, would there have been? From the moment you met him and weren't attracted, you would never have considered dating him... right?

Cause the "friend zone" the OP is talking about the "if a guy waits too long to ask you out, you will no longer consider him a possible romantic partner" thing. Which I say is bull.

Sure, there are guys (and girls) who I don't consider romantic partners. I know a number of people who I don't find attractive and would never date, but who I am friends with. That isn't the "friend zone" as defined by the OP - that's just not being attracted to someone who you like as a friend.

^this is exactly what I mean and I will edit my OP to reflect that now

 

[blaize2010]

http://www.laddertheory.com/

Ladder theory here to save the day!

kinda negative, don't you think? i'm friends with numerous girls, and i don't want to have sex with all of them. not that they aren't attractive, it would just seem weird. it's what separates men from animals.

 

[DMac the Knife]

The friend zone is when a guy waits to long to ask a girl out and she, from that point on, will only see him as a friend or brotherly figure

time has nothing to do with it, it's all attraction. if the girl isn't attracted to you then you will end up in the friend zone.

You are so right about time not having anything to do with it. Many guys are relegated to the friend zone within minutes of meeting, they just don't realize it until they ask you out.

Most of my friends are guys; looking back I've always had one close girl friend and lots of guy friends. A few times a guy I thought was firmly in the friend zone surprised me and made it past go by showing me a side of themselves I hadn't seen before. In one case there was a weird shift one day and all of the sudden there was mad chemistry between us. In each of these situations I gave clear signals that I was open to a change (Note: not flirting! Girls flirt, it's usually nothing personal, get over it...); something like the disingenuous "do you ever think about me?" or more to the point like "how come we've never gone beyond just friends?"

I guess my point is that if you are a guy who has already been turned down by a girl and you are still friends, don't assume that she regretted the choice and has been secretly pining for you unless she has given you clear signs. If you think you got a signal, asking her if something has changed in your relationship gives her an opening to invite you to ask for another chance while still giving you maneuverability to back quickly away if you were wrong. Randomly asking 3,4, or 5 times is just creepy and will move you swiftly from the friend zone to the restraining order zone...

 

[Kahunaburger]

I've had multiple instances where I would initially be attracted to a new girl in my class or with a group of friends, only to see that she isn't picking up on me flirting with her or is simply ignoring my advances, so I back off and direct my attention elsewhere. After making friends with these girls, I find out later that they were really into me but were too shy to do anything about it, and by that time, I wasn't attracted to them anymore. The "waiting too long" thing is true, even if it isn't true in all cases.

Well, in that case you probably lucked out by waiting, honestly. If you become less attracted to someone the more you know them, you aren't actually attracted to that person. The point is, however, that you don't need to evoke some sort of "friend zone" to explain this.

Well, it's not that I'm "less attracted" to them, per se, it's just that in my mind, I've told myself that I'm honoring their initial wishes of not wanting to go out with me. If she's not having that, then that's fine, I don't take it personally and I move on. When a friend of two years just up and tells you that she is and always has been attracted to you, you don't just flick a switch that says "she's available and I'm going to go out with her RIGHT NOW!" Maybe that's a tad bit immature on my part, but I don't know how to go from "being friends" to being "more than friends", I've never done that before. It's like when you're on a first date and the topic of kissing at the end of the night comes up. Now it's kind of awkward because you don't know what the other person wants, or if you SHOULD do something, and it just feels unnatural. I guess that's what it was more than anything, it just didn't feel natural even though she's a wonderful person and I find her to be beautiful.

That's fair, although I'd personally call that less a "friend zone" and more of normal first-time awkwardness. That transition certainly gets easier the more you make it, IMHO.

 

[Cridhe]

The Friend Zone; Where chicks leave the nice guys they complain so much about not being able to find.

 

[Danglybits]

Why is there a special name for people you're friends with but not interested in? People do this all the time, they're together, they break up, they stay friends. Or the other way around. Let's not act like men don't do this to women too. People like who they like and no amount of attention, begging or posturing is going to change that. Guy's don't like this girl, or that girl for whatever reason, why don't we have a friend zone for them? Or a ladder? I know that it sucks, it hurts and can be humiliating but people aren't doing something wrong when they aren't interested in you. So when you like your friend and they don't like you back you have 2 options: You can accept that and enjoy what you do have with them or you can sod off.

I don't see the problem with the friends thing really. I refuse to date someone (M/F) who isn't kind of a friend. If we don't have enough in common to be platonic friends, we sure as hell don't have enough to be romantically involved. Of course sometimes being platonic friends shows you and saves you from your friend's awful relationship tendencies.

 

[Danglybits]

The Friend Zone; Where chicks leave the nice guys they complain so much about not being able to find.

Or the guys who only think they're nice guys but are really just bitter with chips on their shoulders.