The perfect cheeseburger: Prep time - A while. Cook time for the burgers - Another while, depending on your resources.
Ground beef. Chuck, if you can manage it.
American cheese. The good stuff, of course.
Cheddar cheese. The good stuff, and sharp cheddar is best because we want that flavor to stand out.
Universal Special Sauce (see previous post)
Salt&Pepper.
Red onion
Iceberg lettuce. Romaine, if you're feeling fancy, but I think iceberg is a little easier to work with.
Sesame seed hamburger buns. No sesame seeds, no deal.
Slice the red onion into rings. The middle third will be more than enough for burgers for the whole family.
After coring and thoroughly rinsing the lettuce, roll up the leaves and slice across. Basically, we want shredded.
If you want, you can toast the buns, but it isn't absolutely necessary. I don't.
The hardest part is learning to hand-patty the beef. Start with a big wad of beef. Not so large that it's larger than you can hold, but you don't want a dinky little puny burger patty, do you? I thought not, you magnificent carnivore.
ANYWAY.
Yeah, big wad of beef. Work it back and forth between your hands until you get it into a good ball shape. Pinch the middle to start the rough shape of a patty, and place the beef on a ceramic plate. Ceramic is best because we need a hard, flat surface that can be spun.
Keep one hand pressing in on the side of the beef, and at the same time, use your other hand to press the top down. Using this method, work your way around and around the beef until the patty shape is well-formed. You have a flat surface, and a nice, smooth side, perfect for cooking. If you're wondering how large the finished patty should be, if you estimate that it'd hang about a quarter-inch over the side of the bun, that's pretty ideal.
It's hard to describe the technique precisely in text, but I think you can guess how it's supposed to work quickly enough.
Have a hot, slightly oiled pan ready. The beef probably has more than enough fat and juices to make the oil pointless, but hey, better safe than burnt.
Sprinkle some S&P on the patty and drop the seasoned side on the pan. Cook for a minute or two. Sprinkle more on top, and turn. I don't really know how long it takes for the burger to be thoroughly cooked, but as long as it's heated all the way through and the juices stop running, you're probably alright.
Side-note: If the burger is still a little raw in the middle, you're still fine as long as you got your beef from a trustworthy source. I'm not encouraging you to eat raw ground beef on your way home from the store, but you probably could without any problems.
Assembly:
Bottom half of the bun, slathered in special sauce. Add shredded lettuce, then a few rings of red onion. It's all about getting some crunch in every bite. On top of that is a hot burger, topped with 2 slices American and 1 slice of Cheddar. Or whatever amount of cheese you like. I'm from Wisconsin, so it's only logical that I like a little more. Anyway, top that with a little more shredded lettuce, and finally, the other half of the bun, also slathered in special sauce.