Forever Alone (And Why Therapy Doesn't Seem to Get It)

[Paragon Fury]

No, I'm not going to torture with that stupid mutant-freak head thing. I hate it too. At worst, you might get to see a couple pretty pictures.

So last semester I went to see a therapist. The talking kind, not the pills kind, mind you. I went because I was in the middle of one of being down on the world because life sucks periods. Well, particularly down on one area of my life, personal relationships. However, going didn't help, and it seems that the only thing I've gained since then is things that seem to reinforce that idea.

Now, for the longest time, I've never had good...relations with women. Or people for that matter. I've never been the most social person, ever. During pre-school and elementary school, I was bullied by everyone, girls included. Even the kids other kids beat up for their lunch money. I got beat up a lot too; the last time before I left the public school system was bad enough that it would've been considered felony assault had the people been involved been older.

I got taken out of the public system and put into private school. (Not only because of the bullying; my test scores and grades were so significantly better than my classmates and people in higher grades than me that more than a few of my teachers believed the public school system was hindering me) It was a private military school, only for boys. It wasn't a boarding school; I got to go home at the end of the day. However, besides the female facility, there were no women around, ever.

I seemed to do fine though; absolutely dominating the JROTC program (though the physical fitness always brought me down. Hence why I was a 2nd LT my Senior year, rather than a Major or Lt. Colonel like the rest of my scores matched up to), and doing fairly well in school (Foreign Lang. and Chemistry non-withstanding).

Of course the therapist believed this had a lot to do with my "issues". She thought that early bullying being combined with a removal from normal social interaction and "forced" into a rigid, performance based setting was terribly, terribly bad for me. I countered with the fact that my college time had gone relatively smoothly thus far (I was a Junior when I went to see her, I'll be a Senior this year), even if people had found me.....overly formal and rigid at times (You'd be surprised at how many people act surprised when you punctuate your sentences with "Miss/Ma'am/Sir" unless you know their names or have been told to call them something else).

Of course, college has been a sobering dose of reality for me. Going from "Big fish, small pond" to "Tiny Fish, the FUCKING OCEAN" was exactly fun. And being around women didn't get any easier either since now I'm surrounded by people I'm not only statistically inferior to, but by surrounded by people who have interests far more socially acceptable than mine. Because, yes, since I've been a child my primary hobbies have been books, anime, video games. Its not that I didn't ever play sports; soccer was OK, I enjoyed lacrosse for a bit, and paintball is hella fun. Its just that I've never been good enough at them, and by the time middle school came around I was no longer good enough to compete with the other kids, and thus had to stop playing.

Random Distraction from Reading Picture

Spoiler

This combined with not liking anything people my age seem to like, since I don't drink,I don't get to go out much (lack of money, otherwise I'd be gone at paintball every weekend), and an aversion to loud and/or crowded places means I don't do a lot of things they do. While the therapist tried to get at why I didn't like/do these things, I could never get beyond an "I just don't" style of answer.

After that, I explained about how I just don't seem to be...."attracted" to real women anymore. Women in games and anime can most definitely can get me going, but even attractive women in real life just seem to make me feel depressed. She asked me why I just said I couldn't tell her. At best, I guess it was because I felt like I couldn't be a good friend to woman, much less something more important; especially because I wouldn't even be attractive in that sort of way, or possibly even capable of caring for them properly. I'm not physically attractive, I'm smart but not to the point where it out-does my lack of physical attractiveness, I'm not into the kinds of things most people seem to be into, I'm an atheist (which apparently is a fairly HUGE negative in long0term relationships, as I found out from a few studies in my Social Psychology classes) and I detest children.

The therapist asked if I still had regular dreams/desires about women and such, and though I didn't really want to go into detail about them, I did at least describe some of the women that occur in them frequently. I'll save you my long wordy description, and instead say that the most common one looks like a combination of these two women:

See, pretty pictures. Just like I promised.

Tsukimi - Sekirei

Spoiler

Yoko - Gurren Lagann

Spoiler

Though I don't exactly remember what the therapist said, it was something along the lines of "unrealistic and deficient ideas about women causing issues with normal socialization". I do remember getting into a fairly long debate about reality vs. fantasy and their affects on each other with her, though it didn't really get anywhere.

Well, it got to be the end of the semester and I stopped going, having not made any headway. While I've been home for the summer, I've had the off chance to introduced the "Forever Alone" meme. (Hence the name of the thread) And while I see the joke behind the meme, I can't help but start to feel that there might be some truth behind it. That some people, no matter their personal opinions or abilities, just might not get to have the kind(s) of relationship they want to. That they simply get to be the loser in that area. Of course, saying that to anyone somehow makes you a defeatist and/or a fool, and that apparently there must be someone out there for everyone.

But alas, I don't know.

 

[ultrachicken]

I would just like to point out that the therapy's progress was very likely hindered by your reluctance to share what could be vital information to your therapist. The participation goes both ways. I realize that this is a hard thing to do (I would hate to tell anyone certain things about me), but if you don't do it, don't complain that the therapy isn't working.

Of course, sometimes it's just that the therapist and patient don't connect, or other reasons that get in the way of the therapy working. Depends on the situation.

Also, read point number 4 in this article.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-reasons-life-actually-does-get-better/

 

[Tdc2182]

I think the Therapist is partly right.

Because of your absence of a Social life in the time that most guys start to realize about real girls, you replaced them with "the perfect anime girl."

And I agree, anime women are perfect. This is coming from a guy who doesn't really watch any Anime cartoons.

Realizing that there are a lot of very shallow women is something key to a less social guy like early on inn his life.

I'm not exactly sure where you live, but I'm gonna assume it's America. If you get the chance to go study out of country, take it. Try Japan. American Sorority girls are the sparkly shit stains of existence.

Or if that's to much, there are girls out there that dig the anime culture. In fact, there are plenty on this very website and a lot of them are very cute. Good luck.

(hope I didn't miss the point of this thread.)

Edit: and the guy above me is right.

Life get's better. You're just at the lowest point now. Everyone goes through it at one point, yours is admittedly worse, but that's only gonna make it better.

 

[skizoman333]

TBH, i kinda know where ur coming from. Secondry school (from england ages11-18) was shit for me, generally spending a lot of time alone. im 21 now, and generally I like socialising, going out etc. I just learned that if you talk to ppl about things that interest them (and better urself)ppl tend to like you, and the more time u spend with someone, the closer you get.
god knows I dont want to be patronising. ur an intelligent person and ur therapist has already told u this stuff before.

try this.

when someone asks you to come out (anywhere, pub, club houseparty etc) just go. The amount of times where sum1 has sed to me "come out to watevever" i initially dont want to. mayb im tired or just feeling like some alone time but I always have a gr8 time wen i do. U dont even have to drink. I know ppl who always go to parties and dont drink and have fun. Worse comes to worse go out in the smoking area, ull always meet fun people there (not encouraging u to smoke )

I dunno. ur not asking for adice, but thats my 2 cents

 

[Paragon Fury]

I would just like to point out that the therapy's progress was very likely hindered by your reluctance to share what could be vital information to your therapist. The participation goes both ways. I realize that this is a hard thing to do (I would hate to tell anyone certain things about me), but if you don't do it, don't complain that the therapy isn't working.

Of course, sometimes it's just that the therapist and patient don't connect, or other reasons that get in the way of the therapy working. Depends on the situation.

Also, read point number 4 in this article.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-reasons-life-actually-does-get-better/

Eh.....maybe. But I'm not sure; I think it could still be possible to miss it cimpletely.

Off-topic.: And why do my topics just keep disappearing from the board. Not as in getting bumped down, but literally just *Poof*, can't find it anymore?

 

[Nightvalien]

if this helps i am pretty much in the same boat except that i embraced it, but for all that is worth i love you, for science of course.

 

[Raziel_Likes_Souls]

Don't worry, dude. Always having the weird background and interests leads to this phase. Sure, I maybe 3 to 6 years younger than you, but I see where you're coming from. There was a time I couldn't look at a real woman due to them being rather unpleasant, but that wore off after a while. My ma cracked me outta that phase, showing me in that non-sexual way, how some women could be. Then, it dawned on me. If a woman like my mother exists, surely there must be others who are as pleasant as she is.

Now I don't have feelings for my ma, and I have no idea what your relationship with your parents is like, but the point is that there's probably gonna be some girl who reminds you of one of the anime girls you like, or some woman who treats you good. So you just gotta stick it out for a bit.

Sorry, if this makes me look retarded, being a still-a-long-ways-to-go 15 year old giving advice to an college kid, but that's just my advice. I'm sure you'll find some chick who'll love your personality.

 

[ChildofGallifrey]

I can sympathize friend. I hate most of what our generation thinks is cool, and I'm a pretty antisocial guy, so I spend most of my time alone as well. It doesn't bother me, I do things alone that I enjoy that I couldn't do with other people around (like reading and gaming, to clarify for those that would twist that into something dirty ).

The thing is, you don't need to 'try' and meet women. The only people that actively try to meet women are guys who feel invalidated if they aren't in a relationship, or guys trying to get laid. I've been in 2 different wonderful, long-term relationships in my 21 years (one of them 2+ and going strong with a child), and I got into both of them when I couldn't have cared less about meeting girls. If you sit back and make the most of what you have in your life now, eventually you'll find someone. It might not be instant movie-romance fireworks. You may start out as friends and later realize something is there (my girlfriend and I went to high school together for 3 years and didn't start dating until 4 years after I graduated). Give it time buddy.

Do not seek the fly, grasshopper. Let the fly come to you.

 

[AMMO Kid]

The therapist asked if I still had regular dreams/desires about women and such, and though I didn't really want to go into detail about them, I did at least describe some of the women that occur in them frequently. I'll save you my long wordy description, and instead say that the most common one looks like a combination of these two women:

See, pretty pictures. Just like I promised.

Tsukimi - Sekirei

Spoiler

Yoko - Gurren Lagann

Spoiler

Though I don't exactly remember what the therapist said, it was something along the lines of "unrealistic and deficient ideas about women causing issues with normal socialization". I do remember getting into a fairly long debate about reality vs. fantasy and their affects on each other with her, though it didn't really get anywhere.

Just a question, but how much porn do you view? Yes, your childhood onward has definitely been the main contributor to this whole "forever alone" thing, but it's been proven that men that view porn eventually lose desires to be with real women.

 

[Kahunaburger]

Here's your problem: you've been using the wrong meme.

Spoiler

But seriously, your therapist knows what she's talking about. That's why she's a therapist. Follow her advice.

 

[Flailing Escapist]

Thank you for the pretty pictures!

 

[LobsterFeng]

Hmm I really don't know how to answer. I'm a lucky person because I grew up in a public school where roughly 75% of the students were into geeky stuff. So I never experienced any bullying, or the feeling that nobody around me not liking the stuff I like.

So are you saying that you've never met anyone IRL that's been into the same stuff as you are? Maybe you could try going to an anime or a gaming convention if there happens to be one around where you live. Heck I've become good friends with random people I just started talking to in line at game stores. When you play paintball, do you try talking to anyone there? Just try to get past your own insecurities, don't worry everyone has them, and realize that people aren't as mean as you think.

Of course again, I don't know what it's like growing up where you did, so I can't really answer that completely.

 

[TheDooD]

I'm pretty much in the same boat as you, I maybe a bit worse. Overall through my life I never really had anything stable when it came to social interactions. I resent my mother for being a former drunk and basically ruining my childhood. My father for basically never being there. I hate my brother for socially confusing me in my teen years and suspecting me for being gay. In elementary school in Washington DC I was teased and made fun of because I was weak and sickly. I ended up taken out of school because my grand mother died and my mother being a drunk When I moved to NC to go to school things became somewhat better its just my brother couldn't keep a place to live for a long time so I had to move every 18 months or so.

So I couldn't build strong bonds with people. High school was pretty decent execpt my last year before I dropped out where I hated the people on the bus. They were what you would call hoodrats, gangbangers and sluts. While I was Zero I didn't fit into any high school stereotype at all. I was great at sports but not a team player. very smart yet not motivated. I was great at speaking but very quiet. The only real reason I dropped out of High School cuz my Brother kept saying that I was too old to go back I was 18 at this time. He said that the teachers would treat me like a perv if was caught talking to the girls. That made me scared to go back, when years later I find out the legal age in NC is 16 and a majority of people I knew were 16.

Overall people gravitated to me through my life if it's good or bad. I even had fangirls but I was so socially impudent I didn't notice what I had until years later. Every time I look back at my past it pisses me off that right now I could be happy, mentally stable person if it wasn't for other controlling my fate. I know at my age 22 by the way shouldn't be blaming others for my choices yet when you had no choice but to do what do what other told ya too ya you'll be screwed too.

With women I was always nice and kind to them yet it never seems to go past that friend level. Girls normally trusted me like I was a brother to them. It kinda annoyed me after I while I was legitimately into them and normally helped them with their own boyfriend problems. Yet the moment when I asked them out I got the cold shoulder and it made me bitter. Deep down I didn't hate'em for it cause I kinda knew that I didn't want to bring this nice girl around my family. My mother is racist, My brother never takes me seriously and both are extremely judgmental. So I didn't want to choose between my lover and my family when I still had to deal with my family for support....

 

[Paragon Fury]

The therapist asked if I still had regular dreams/desires about women and such, and though I didn't really want to go into detail about them, I did at least describe some of the women that occur in them frequently. I'll save you my long wordy description, and instead say that the most common one looks like a combination of these two women:

See, pretty pictures. Just like I promised.

Tsukimi - Sekirei

Spoiler

Yoko - Gurren Lagann

Spoiler

Though I don't exactly remember what the therapist said, it was something along the lines of "unrealistic and deficient ideas about women causing issues with normal socialization". I do remember getting into a fairly long debate about reality vs. fantasy and their affects on each other with her, though it didn't really get anywhere.

Just a question, but how much porn do you view? Yes, your childhood onward has definitely been the main contributor to this whole "forever alone" thing, but it's been proven that men that view porn eventually lose desires to be with real women.

I do, sometimes.

 

[aba1]

honestly I think your just trying to fit in with the wrong crowds go find some people with lots in common and yes there are tons of kids in college who love video games and comics and cartoons (anime n manga count as cartoons) go talk to them relate to them be nice and relax be non abrasive and you should be fine

 

[nilus2k]

I am way past my college years but even when I was going 10 years ago there were plenty of College age kids into D&D, Anime, Video Games, etc. Whole clubs were dedicated to such things. And there were even girls there.

Now in my 30s I am absolutely shocked when I got to the game store or a convention and see how many ladies are there. The fact is all these "nerdy" hobbies are way more mainstream then the mainstream seems to want to admit. If you are not finding people who share you hobby then I suspect you are not looking hard enough.

Also you are to down on youself. Very few people honesty think they are attractive. Its part of the human condition to think you are ugly. But you aren't the one who has to find you beautiful, someone else does. And if you go out there and look for them then I am sure you will find them.

 

[Erana]

Lord knows what I'd be like if I weren't asexual...

I mean, I went to a teenie tiny private middle school where the vast majority of males looked particularly young for their age, then I started college at a women's school at 14.
I really haven't been around men my age since I entered the magical age when dating becomes appropriate.

I don't have sexual needs to deal with, fortunately, but it still is a bit weird for me to be face to face with men my age because the last time I was around 18-23-year-old guys, they were typically in some sort of supervising position for me. And without having gone to Highschool, coming back home has left me with pretty much no guys my age here, other than a few lifeguards I see every now and then when helping my mother do aquatic physical therapy.

This won't be a problem for me, though. The key reason here, I must admit, is the Escapist. The majority of people I game and Skype with are men. I know guys as people, just like women, but with some different sets of expectations and self-standards due to societal gender roles, and the male expression of human sexual dimorphism.

My question is this, OP:
Do you have any women your age in your life who are friends?

 

[Snowy Rainbow]

Here's your problem: you've been using the wrong meme.

Spoiler

But seriously, your therapist knows what she's talking about. That's why she's a therapist. Follow her advice.

I agree with your advice, but what the hell is with that picture?! Evil wolf is evil...

 

[Kahunaburger]

Here's your problem: you've been using the wrong meme.

Spoiler

But seriously, your therapist knows what she's talking about. That's why she's a therapist. Follow her advice.

I agree with your advice, but what the hell is with that picture?! Evil wolf is evil...

That's courage wolf, man