Forever Alone (And Why Therapy Doesn't Seem to Get It)
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Wow, that's almost exactly what I was going to say...Genuine Evil said:
The important thing is to be truthful with yourself, TC. I can honestly say I'm happy being alone. You only need to answer to one guy, and that's you. So if you're comfortable with yourself, that's all that matters.
Ok... I would have to disagree with the therapist in some ways.
The problem is that psychology drills in you certain "established principles" And one of the most dominant ones in modern psychology is Maslows hierarchy of needs.
I know in my own studies I have repeatedly encountered this impasse. The hierarchy of needs assumes all people conform to this measure when nothing could be further from the truth. You see plenty of examples of people who have differing priorities, and some people exist without needing, wanting, or desiring on any level certain tiers from this pyramid. So when a therapist encounters someone that doesnt fit well with their training, it comes off like a round peg in a square hole. It just never quite fits. So my assertion would be to question the therapists ability. (it might also be why the majority of people thus far have agreed with the therapist in some form or another, because from their perspective, the therapists logic makes sense)
Secondly, another thing you must understand is that your social anxieties are fairly normal as based on what was written your still within that age where your still finding your place in the world. While some peoples responses to that might be more tempered others will invariably be more extreme.
Lastly, based on the story, I am left wondering if were not getting the whole picture. (If so the reason why is completely understandable) From my experience in dealing with conflicting standards you might not be able to strike an even balance between what you deserve and what is legitimately available to you. However, I would look at the words of Ralphie May, even though the Analogy isnt an exact fit.
Anyway... for TL
R purposes I would say, Your right and wrong as it relates to therapy. Dont blame therapy for the failings of one specific therapist. You could try a different one and get a much better experience. However it is also important to understand that Psychology is still very much in its infancy, so you shouldnt put that much stock into it in the first place, it can help, but dont expect it to be a cure.
The key is coping with your emotional state and controlling your anxieties instead of letting them control you. From there you need to find where/how you fit into the world. You might feel like your going to be stuck being forever alone, and honestly some people do truly end up that way. (specially men in china it seems, but for other reasons) But you might simply have not found your own way to find someone to be with. Look at guys like every tv shitcom featuring a married couple youve likely seen involving some ugly/stupid guy being hitched to an attractive/intelligent woman. Its common enough in reality for it to be a trope.
[link]http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/UglyGuyHotWife[/link]
Anyway, best of luck to you.. and just keep hanging in there because not only does time heal all wounds, it solves most riddles.
The problem is that psychology drills in you certain "established principles" And one of the most dominant ones in modern psychology is Maslows hierarchy of needs.
I know in my own studies I have repeatedly encountered this impasse. The hierarchy of needs assumes all people conform to this measure when nothing could be further from the truth. You see plenty of examples of people who have differing priorities, and some people exist without needing, wanting, or desiring on any level certain tiers from this pyramid. So when a therapist encounters someone that doesnt fit well with their training, it comes off like a round peg in a square hole. It just never quite fits. So my assertion would be to question the therapists ability. (it might also be why the majority of people thus far have agreed with the therapist in some form or another, because from their perspective, the therapists logic makes sense)
Secondly, another thing you must understand is that your social anxieties are fairly normal as based on what was written your still within that age where your still finding your place in the world. While some peoples responses to that might be more tempered others will invariably be more extreme.
Lastly, based on the story, I am left wondering if were not getting the whole picture. (If so the reason why is completely understandable) From my experience in dealing with conflicting standards you might not be able to strike an even balance between what you deserve and what is legitimately available to you. However, I would look at the words of Ralphie May, even though the Analogy isnt an exact fit.
You might have a certain expectation, and that might well be justified. However sometimes it is required in order to satiate ones happiness, to make ones expectations subservient to secondary needs instead of primary ones. If I am accurate in my assessment of your situation you will understand what I mean, if not it likely doesnt fit your situation so feel free to disregard.Ralphie May said:
Anyway... for TL
R purposes I would say, Your right and wrong as it relates to therapy. Dont blame therapy for the failings of one specific therapist. You could try a different one and get a much better experience. However it is also important to understand that Psychology is still very much in its infancy, so you shouldnt put that much stock into it in the first place, it can help, but dont expect it to be a cure.The key is coping with your emotional state and controlling your anxieties instead of letting them control you. From there you need to find where/how you fit into the world. You might feel like your going to be stuck being forever alone, and honestly some people do truly end up that way. (specially men in china it seems, but for other reasons) But you might simply have not found your own way to find someone to be with. Look at guys like every tv shitcom featuring a married couple youve likely seen involving some ugly/stupid guy being hitched to an attractive/intelligent woman. Its common enough in reality for it to be a trope.
[link]http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/UglyGuyHotWife[/link]
Anyway, best of luck to you.. and just keep hanging in there because not only does time heal all wounds, it solves most riddles.
Citation needed.AMMO Kid said:
Love the vague, completely non-scientific language by the way. I mean, "intimacy level", ooookaaaay...
And yes, I call bullshit. I've seen porn, plenty of it, and yet I feel no desire to do anything said porn ever showed me. Not the way they do it, just everything about it. With enough braincells it's easy to prick through the fake-ness of porn, you and your book paint a picture like we're all slaves to it or something.
I mean, what the hell do you know about me? How the hell do you know that just because I watch porn sex means nothing to me? It's neigh insulting.
OP, don't fear the lonliness, embrace it, it will make you a more compitent and capable person. or get yourself two bottles of whiskey and 12 guage and see what happens from there. other than that, just stop giving a damn, life is so much better when you stop caring about others think
If you refuse to answer questions that your therapist asks you, how exactly do you expect them to be able to help?
Concerning you and the opposite gender:
Could you narrow down the reasons, why you prefer anime women to real ones?
Is it:
a, just the looks. Smooth skin, nice dresses etc?
b, the behaviour? Extroverted, tough women to compensate for social passiveness?
or c, just the fact that the encounter with anime women is determinable, so there's no need for smalltalk, no risk of awkward situations etc?
You need not answer this question in public, a little self-reflexion can be helpful, as long as you don't get self-conscious.
General advice:
Try to make contact with other students at your college studying the same subject. This gives you a reason to talk to them without revealing that you are looking for friends. Also it's in an environment more comfortable for you than a party and you will have something to talk about considering you don't like smalltalk.
Most likely there are other people like you around. The hard thing is to find them, as they might be as introverted as you are, so you don't perceive them very well.
Could you narrow down the reasons, why you prefer anime women to real ones?
Is it:
a, just the looks. Smooth skin, nice dresses etc?
b, the behaviour? Extroverted, tough women to compensate for social passiveness?
or c, just the fact that the encounter with anime women is determinable, so there's no need for smalltalk, no risk of awkward situations etc?
You need not answer this question in public, a little self-reflexion can be helpful, as long as you don't get self-conscious.
General advice:
Try to make contact with other students at your college studying the same subject. This gives you a reason to talk to them without revealing that you are looking for friends. Also it's in an environment more comfortable for you than a party and you will have something to talk about considering you don't like smalltalk.
Most likely there are other people like you around. The hard thing is to find them, as they might be as introverted as you are, so you don't perceive them very well.
Is there an all of the above option?Timotheus said:
That is....absolutely terrible advice.Weskerbot3000 said:
No I don't.jadias said:
At the end of the day, you just have to live your life according to what feels right. A therapist is only going to help so much. Finding an outlet might help, such as drawing, painting, or building. I heard somewhere that journal/diary keeping is one of the most beneficial ways to reduce stress and negative feelings. That might help.
As a graduate of a Psychology Department, I have to say that, from the information you've given out, the therapist you went to was not professional enough to help you; that combined with your general defensive attitude made the therapy fail. From what you've described, I'm pretty sure she was a psychoanalysist (someone who specializes in psychoanalysis). Don't think about it and say "it was my fault", but rather "it simply didn't work, best to move on".
I strongly recommend starting therapy again, however this time try cognitive therapy or behaviorism (it's a bit difficult to translate these in english from my native language, but give me a private message if you need more advice).
Let me make one thing perfectly clear: when it comes to the human mind, nobody is healthy. There is no "good" or "bad" way of growing up, there are just circumstances that appear and resources witch one has to solve them or get past them.
What you're going through now is not that major and actually quite common in modern days. The trick is to get past it before it can majorly affect your life.
I strongly recommend starting therapy again, however this time try cognitive therapy or behaviorism (it's a bit difficult to translate these in english from my native language, but give me a private message if you need more advice).
Let me make one thing perfectly clear: when it comes to the human mind, nobody is healthy. There is no "good" or "bad" way of growing up, there are just circumstances that appear and resources witch one has to solve them or get past them.
What you're going through now is not that major and actually quite common in modern days. The trick is to get past it before it can majorly affect your life.
I don't read the words "it's been proven" in any of that dialogue, and I have already cited my sources in previous posts.Elcarsh said:
And btw I was responding to a comment, not trying to say that there is any problem with agreeing with me. Please don't take what I say out of context. The conversations go much faster when I don't have to type extra dialogue to say the obvious.
Ammokid, forgetting all of your very flawed arguments and very biased opinion, I'm still waiting for a reliable, unbiased and peer-reviewed study that shows porn is 're-wiring' anyone's brain.
Until anyone produces that, we're lust waxing lyrical on our different views. I'm very, very happy for you and your non-porn-watching life. Just please, don't claim science when you mean 'biased religious book'. Some of us are like, scientists with degrees in this stuff.
Until anyone produces that, we're lust waxing lyrical on our different views. I'm very, very happy for you and your non-porn-watching life. Just please, don't claim science when you mean 'biased religious book'. Some of us are like, scientists with degrees in this stuff.
AMMO Kid said:
AMMO Kid said:
AMMO Kid said:
The vast majority of your post is opinion, but these are statements of fact and I'll be needing proof. Please point me to these studies. Even just the abstract if you cant get access to any trade journals. Hell, their references will do and I'll find them. I'd honestly like to read them.AMMO Kid said:
Well, I don't think your attitude is weird, unless you assess real women with these standards. All three aspects are not essential, because indirectly you just want the contact to women to be simplified and eased for you.Paragon Fury said:
Just stay calm and natural in social interaction with them. If you fit together, you will appreciate a woman's personality traits. Also be willing to make the first move, if you feel like it is time for it.
Depending on how you look at it, either these are the same, or the latter is something like a nurse practitioner-- or my experience with therapists and prescription medication has been very unusual.Paragon Fury said:
Oh hi, are you new here?Paragon Fury said:
This sounds like a real therapy-type issue.Paragon Fury said:
You should get over yourself-- there are people of all genders and persuasions who look worse than you, and plenty of women honestly don't care about looks.Paragon Fury said:
Sounds pretty much like a typical therapist, but you should consider that she might have been trying to make a different point than you thought.Paragon Fury said:The therapist asked if I still had regular dreams/desires about women and such, and though I didn't really want to go into detail about them, I did at least describe some of the women that occur in them frequently. I'll save you my long wordy description, and instead say that the most common one looks like a combination of these two women:
See, pretty pictures. Just like I promised.
Tsukimi - Sekirei
Yoko - Gurren Lagann
Though I don't exactly remember what the therapist said, it was something along the lines of "unrealistic and deficient ideas about women causing issues with normal socialization". I do remember getting into a fairly long debate about reality vs. fantasy and their affects on each other with her, though it didn't really get anywhere.
Again, time to get over yourself-- if you live long enough, keep yourself open, and keep a positive view of it, you'll find someone-- it may take some effort and they might not be "the one", but I can almost guarantee you'll find someone that you can at least be comfortable around and take solace in.Paragon Fury said:
The part about life sucking deserves some elaboration, specifically the kind that involves starving children, cancer patients and the like-- not to tell you how your life doesn't suck, but to remind or inform you that it always sucked and probably will as long as we're bound to this thing we call human life. There are four options once you know this: deny it, forget about it, find a way to live with it, or kill yourself. I've contemplated each and tried the first three, probably only having limited success with #2 (forget about it) because I have a bad memory-- I've had the most success with #3 (deal with it).
The whiskey + shotgun part, probably, but if you can be happy without a significant other you should go for it-- I think you should be ready for someone to come along that you'd like in that way and that much, but if you really feel you don't need them, that's OK.Paragon Fury said:
Speaking as someone who Asperger's himself (diagnosed about three years ago) and has spent a good amount of the last three days reading academic papers on the autistic spectrum (for a college paper), there's a pretty good chance you do. People say it's not serious (or even not real) and there are people that use it as an excuse and other things, but if you never get help for it it can really mess you up-- even just knowing what it is can make it that much easier to adjust your thoughts and actions so you don't clash as much with people.Paragon Fury said: