Forever Alone (And Why Therapy Doesn't Seem to Get It)

[BanicRhys]

So last semester I went to see a therapist. The talking kind, not the pills kind, mind you. I went because I was in the middle of one of being down on the world because life sucks periods. Well, particularly down on one area of my life, personal relationships. However, going didn't help, and it seems that the only thing I've gained since then is things that seem to reinforce that idea.

Now, for the longest time, I've never had good...relations with women. Or people for that matter. I've never been the most social person, ever. During pre-school and elementary school, I was bullied by everyone, girls included.

...

And being around women didn't get any easier either since now I'm surrounded by people I'm not only statistically inferior to, but by surrounded by people who have interests far more socially acceptable than mine. Because, yes, since I've been a child my primary hobbies have been books, anime, video games. Its not that I didn't ever play sports; soccer was OK, I enjoyed lacrosse for a bit, and paintball is hella fun. Its just that I've never been good enough at them, and by the time middle school came around I was no longer good enough to compete with the other kids, and thus had to stop playing.

This combined with not liking anything people my age seem to like, since I don't drink,I don't get to go out much (lack of money, otherwise I'd be gone at paintball every weekend), and an aversion to loud and/or crowded places means I don't do a lot of things they do. While the therapist tried to get at why I didn't like/do these things, I could never get beyond an "I just don't" style of answer.

At best, I guess it was because I felt like I couldn't be a good friend to woman, much less something more important; especially because I wouldn't even be attractive in that sort of way, or possibly even capable of caring for them properly. I'm not physically attractive, I'm smart but not to the point where it out-does my lack of physical attractiveness, I'm not into the kinds of things most people seem to be into, I'm an atheist (which apparently is a fairly HUGE negative in long0term relationships, as I found out from a few studies in my Social Psychology classes) and I detest children.

All of this is the same for me too, bro. Minus the paintball anyway...

I don't know what American colleges are like but I would assume it wouldn't be too hard to find friends that are gaming/anime enthusiasts like you appear to be. I'm pretty sure I'm a whole lot stupider and socially inept than you and I managed to find myself a few friends, including a female one mind you, on the first day of college just by sitting next to someone, sharing my interests and then simply chatting with him and his friends.

I may have just had it easy though as my course is a very laid back one where almost everyone in the class is a gamer and/or anime lover.

I think the therapist may be right when it comes to your comparing real women to women in anime, I have watched a lot of anime, and a large portion of those were ecchi/comedy/romance/school-life stuff so I know how it can feel sometimes. I does suck when you look at the romance/women in the anime and then look at real life and just get depressed when you know that in real life love can never be so beautiful/pure/magical as it is in anime. You know that a large percentage of couples get divorced and you know that there's a decent chance you will never find a girl that makes you truly happy etc etc.

On a different note, what is it with American Schools and beatings? I live in Australia I have never once seen anyone hit someone else with the intention of hurting the other person but over there is sounds like it's the norm.

 

[Paragon Fury]

You kind of had me until you posted pictures of two retarded looking anime characters. I'd suggest that you just need to meet better and more interesting people, but if your ideal girl is some passive, childish stereotype out of an anime then I honestly don't know what to think. If a guy told me this, I'd honestly be a little creeped out. Most people simply don't act like this, and the ones that do probably have tons of their own issues.

Admittedly, that isn't the most flattering picture of Tskuimi I could find, but the other pictures I did find came from sites flagged as "Unsafe", so I avoided them.

But if you describe Yoko and Tskuimi as "childish", it just shows you've never watched Sekirei or Gurren.

You seem to have missed the actual point I was trying to make. I don't think a "more flattering" image of the anime chick would help in this situation. :C

And what that point that have been? Neither Tsukimi or Yoko fit into that "passive, childish" stereotype either.


And Banic, I believe you might missed the Zangief Kid.

 

[Thunderhorse31]

Like I said, there is also no anime club or anything like that at my college for me to get into.

Have you ever thought of maybe, ya know, starting one? Rather than trying so hard to find a group to "fit into," you can make one of your own and have people come to you.

Hell, I'd join your anime club. What's the first one we're watching?

 

[fulano]

None of what the therapist say to you seemed off to me. But that's your business.

 

[Paragon Fury]

Like I said, there is also no anime club or anything like that at my college for me to get into.

Have you ever thought of maybe, ya know, starting one? Rather than trying so hard to find a group to "fit into," you can make one of your own and have people come to you.

Hell, I'd join your anime club. What's the first one we're watching?

I can't.

One reason is that I'm a Senior. After I graduate this year, there is a high likelihood the club would collapse, meaning the school would be hesitant to give me permission to set the club up in the first place. That is of course, if I could find 6 other people to be in it and get the support of an active, tenured facility member.

 

[Paragon Fury]

snip

Listen to the therapist they know what they are doing. Oh ya and this will also help.

Spoiler

Oh ya and you have to realise that anime women are not realistic. You have spent to much time fanasizing about them that you dont know what real women are actually like.

The problem is that getting to know someone requires you to actually be able to you know......have something in common or that you both can talk about.

Something I don't really have.

Also, that video was annoying.

 

[robinkom]

I don't want to point out your Atheism as a proponent to your mindset, being an Agnostic Atheist myself, but it's possible to live in a scientific reality and still be optimistic and even a little spiritual which is nowhere near the same as religious. Easier said than done, right? I know. I myself have been in therapy for Social Anxiety and the associated phobias but I got myself on the meds to keep me level. It's been maybe 4 years now and I'm a lot happier than I used to be... and a lot more outspoken and vocal.

I was just like you, socially rejected and all that. When I was young, I was fucked with too. My defense mechanism was to embrace my then-flourishing love for Heavy Metal and took on the physical appearance of it. I grew my hair long, cut holes in my jeans, wore a leather jacket, and never smiled or showed an inkling of emotion. I walked around with a death stare like the first person that opened their mouth was going to get fucked up. In actuality, I'd never hurt a fly but it was a facade that worked to keep people off my back.

As I approached adulthood however, I realized that those people that fucked with me or that I wanted to be accepted by were just shallow superficial fucking assholes. No, you don't need to go to bars or parties or get drunk like everyone else. Often times, those people use that as their crutch because they too are miserable, they just can't come to terms with it. Improving your social skills and finding acceptance are two totally different things. You don't want acceptance from people that won't accept you as you are, fuck'em.

When it came to girls, I was pretty screwed too. I never really had trouble talking to girls, I just never could maintain or even initiate a relationship most of the time. My views tend to be too radical for them or they turn out to be so mundane that they just outright bore me. I chalk it up to me not being a romantic person, I'm not. Those gestures are so forced and contrived for me, no manufactured overpriced holiday gift could ever hold the same meaning as just being there with that person and them knowing that you care about them.

Believe it or not, there are women out there with the same interests as you. It's just a matter of finding them, it's not okay to settle for less. They too perhaps feel like social outcasts but on a different level, you may just find the one that understands your dilemma and happens to take a shine to you. She won't be "Anime perfect" but that's life, it's not perfect. Perfection is an illusion. A cartoon can't love you back. Striking the balance between finding both inner and outer beauty is key. Or, like my mom always told me, try to find a girl like your mother. Those words could not be more true and a lot of guys realize it too late.

 

[Sinisterair]

Here's your problem: you've been using the wrong meme.

Spoiler

But seriously, your therapist knows what she's talking about. That's why she's a therapist. Follow her advice.

I agree with your advice, but what the hell is with that picture?! Evil wolf is evil...

**Gasp!** Thats Mofo Instanity Wolf!!!!!!!

Basically one of the many Advice animal memes out there today

 

[ShakeyJake]

You're really not helping yourself here man, There are no clubs about, not even one you're a little bit into? You won't start one, either. When someone (helpfully) suggested that anime girls are different to real girls, you suggested that he just didn't understand anime girls.


You need to suss out what you really want. If you just want to moan about your life (and who doesn't!?) then we're here for you. If you acutally want to change this then pick pretty much any suggestion out of this thread and actually do it. Don't make up a reason not to, just do it. Why don't you go to a DVD rental store or shopping or something and talk to someone!

 

[Wolfram23]

I read the entire OP.

All I can say is, you need to go do things you like. You like video games? Maybe look for gaming clubs, go to LAN parties, etc. There's bound to be anime clubs, and I guarantee there'll be some girls, at least.

It's a place to start.

 

[Da_Vane]

Basically, it's your own self-confidence screwing you over.

A lot of people have subconscious issues with regards to their sexuality and sexual desire simply because they don't let themselves feel attracted to other people. They often define their sexuality with self-limiting words such as asexual (no sexuality) and demisexual (romantic sexual attraction only) in order to justify their own self-imposed limitations, simply because they've spent so long not being attracted to people or ignoring their attractions to others, they've simply forgotten how to actually be attracted to other people.

I wouldn't be surprised if you also displayed a surprising number of passive aggressive traits - the numerous countering of your therapist and the attitude of your original post would lead me to believe you are highly intelligent, yet don't really take responsibility for your life, and spend a lot of time blaming other people and/or making excuses.

However, the stuff about crowds and noises also relate to the possibility of Asperger's Syndrome. This would explain your social phobia, your lack of attraction to anything, and other similar traits. This is worth looking into. In general, Asperger's Syndrome suffers can lead happy lives following diagnosis as long as they are left alone and not continually forced into social situations - normally, it's a case that suffers don't mind being alone, they just dislike being reminded of it. Plus, having a diagnosis and getting any relevant help if it is Asperger's Syndrome provides great peace of mind for people.

I hope this helps.

 

[Paragon Fury]

OK,this reply is a bit late, and I'm sorry about that.

- As far the club thing goes, no there really aren't any clubs that I am interested in. And no, I really can't start one. What I said in my post isn't a "recommendation"; it is the school's requirement. I don't know 6 other people, much less 6 other people who like anime enough to start a club. I also don't know of any tenured professors that would support an anime club, so for all intents and purposes, no I cannot start one.

- I think people are taking the reason I used the anime pictures the wrong way. The person from the dream was real.....in the dream sense. The reason I used the two anime pictures to describe her is because I do not know enough about real-life pop culture to be able to use say, a movie star or something of that nature. Certainly no one at my school looks like that.

- As far as talking about myself with the therapist, I tried. But I just didn't have the answers to a lot of her questions, and I just didn't know what to say.

 

[Paragon Fury]

I read the entire OP.

All I can say is, you need to go do things you like. You like video games? Maybe look for gaming clubs, go to LAN parties, etc. There's bound to be anime clubs, and I guarantee there'll be some girls, at least.

It's a place to start.

Likely not, considering that in a school of 2,000 people the ratio of men to women is about 7:1.

 

[Gustavo S. Buschle]

By what I read, I probably can say that I'm behaviourally similar to you, though I'm younger. I believe this is some sort of disorder, I know for sure it isn't autism, but several thing you described like the lack of interest in real women and discomfort when in noisy places makes me think that it cannot be merely a coincidence. Personally though, I don't understand the interest that everyone around me has in making me enjoy socialising, I simply understand it is necessary in our society and I accept it, I don't understand why that isn't that enough nor why I'm supposed to enjoy it.

 

[Ham_authority95]

Tsukimi - Sekirei

Spoiler

Yoko - Gurren Lagann

Spoiler

Though I don't exactly remember what the therapist said, it was something along the lines of "unrealistic and deficient ideas about women causing issues with normal socialization". I do remember getting into a fairly long debate about reality vs. fantasy and their affects on each other with her, though it didn't really get anywhere.

Well, it got to be the end of the semester and I stopped going, having not made any headway. While I've been home for the summer, I've had the off chance to introduced the "Forever Alone" meme. (Hence the name of the thread) And while I see the joke behind the meme, I can't help but start to feel that there might be some truth behind it. That some people, no matter their personal opinions or abilities, just might not get to have the kind(s) of relationship they want to. That they simply get to be the loser in that area. Of course, saying that to anyone somehow makes you a defeatist and/or a fool, and that apparently there must be someone out there for everyone.

But alas, I don't know.

If you aren't attracted to "real" women anymore, don't push yourself to be. Don't feel pressured to be social with women if you really don't want to be.

Just think to yourself "Yeah, so fucking what if I don't fit in with normal social crowd? I'll live my life how I want." Be confident in yourself that you feel this way and don't let it prevent you from enjoying life.

I hope that helps some. I kind of assumed that you didn't care about getting out of this situation. Do you want to get out of this situation? It's fine if you don't want to, relationships and stuff like that aren't for everyone.

 

[Phasmal]

To be honest, I would concentrate on improving yourself now and not about getting a girlfriend.
Your issues with women wont be magically fixed by a woman, and women can smell needy anime-boys a mile off, trust me (no offence).
If you work on improving your own self-esteem and social issues, eventually your women troubles should solve themselves.
Also you may want to consider weaning yourself off anime girls.
EDIT: Also, try and talk to some women as friends, there are quite a few about on this site alone.

 

[Gustavo S. Buschle]

However, the stuff about crowds and noises also relate to the possibility of Asperger's Syndrome. This would explain your social phobia, your lack of attraction to anything, and other similar traits. This is worth looking into. In general, Asperger's Syndrome suffers can lead happy lives following diagnosis as long as they are left alone and not continually forced into social situations - normally, it's a case that suffers don't mind being alone, they just dislike being reminded of it. Plus, having a diagnosis and getting any relevant help if it is Asperger's Syndrome provides great peace of mind for people.

I hope this helps.

I myself feel a lot like the op, however I did some research and I found that some people have a personality which is very similar to a very mild case of Asperger's Syndrome, though it is not an actual disorder. Most introverted people could also be confused with Asperger's but it's just the way they are, some people "recharge" when they are alone and some people "recharge" when they are with people. I don't understand why people think that can never be the case.