Forever Alone (And Why Therapy Doesn't Seem to Get It)

[Da_Vane]

I myself feel a lot like the op, however I did some research and I found that some people have a personality which is very similar to a very mild case of Asperger's Syndrome, though it is not an actual disorder. Most introverted people could also be confused with Asperger's but it's just the way they are, some people "recharge" when they are alone and some people "recharge" when they are with people. I don't understand why people think that can never be the case.

The difference is how much of an impact it makes on your life, and how you are affected by it.

There are many different competing theories, by many different people with many different agendas. There are those who do not believe that Asperger's Syndrome exists, and they create arguments and theories that assert this position, where there are those that do, and they create theories that do the opposite.

However, the difference between a personality type and a personality disorder is directly based upon how much the individual is in control, and how much their life is affected. Even a mild form of Asperger's, which may be otherwise identical to someone merely being extremely introverted (as shown by various personality tests on their Extrovert vs Introvert scale) can be an issue if the individual is unable to cope.

One important thing is that Asperger's Syndrome looks to provide a cause - a reason - to why people act the way they do, because it is a medical condition. A personality type, however, is just a measurement of existing systems. To put this into context, it's the difference between diagnosing someone with cancer and saying they have a tumour. Tumours are a symptom of cancer, but cancer is an underlying cause of tumours, but not the only one. There may be other causes for tumours, which is why they should always be looked at, just in case it is cancer.

Likewise, a person like the OP who is suffering from an introverted personality should go and see a professional because if it is Asperger's Syndrome, then they can learn to cope with it rather than just being told to "get over it."

 

[Gustavo S. Buschle]

snip

I am speaking for myself here, but I don't understand why is treatment necessary, of course some people have their lives controlled by this aspect, but my family wants me to ENJOY being social, it's not like I, or apparently the op, refuse to come in contact with other people. The problem is that when something is a disorder or a disease people seem to think it need to be removed, and not only that but the person must become a master of whatever the disorder was hindering. In my case it would be similar to wanting a person whose one leg is deficient to win a marathon or something.

 

[manic_depressive13]

I've never understood the point of therapists. If anyone has the ability to analyse your behaviour, it's you, not some stranger who doesn't even know you. They have only the knowledge you have chosen to share with them, subject to their own interpretation of your words, which may or may not accurately reflect how you feel. I talked to a psychologist once, and half the time she just pissed me off by telling me shit I already knew, and the rest of the time she was way off the mark. So yeah. Fuck therapists.

Now I suppose I should say something encouraging. Um... you'll find someone eventually. Sure you will.

 

[Indeterminacy]

- As far as talking about myself with the therapist, I tried. But I just didn't have the answers to a lot of her questions, and I just didn't know what to say.

I'm totally disregarding everything else you and anyone else has said in this thread to address this quote here. It may be this has already been discussed, so I apologise if this is redundant.

You are not attending a therapist to earn points. You are not trying to gain an achievement, to give the right answer or to reach the next experience level or power-up.

That you do not know what to say to those questions is exactly the point. It's not "if you can answer me then you are clearly X". The questions are there because understanding what it would mean to answer them is something you need to learn, even if you haven't decided on any particular answer just yet. Can you study how other people have answered those questions and the techniques they have used to pursue those answers? Can you think about what resources you need to run that investigation, or what it would take to decide that something is an effective answer?

If your response to those questions is to say "I don't know, so I give up", then you're either not taking the questions seriously, just going through the motions in a show of bad faith, or you're being lazy and expect the therapist to give you the answers you need on a plate without further investment on your part.

Life doesn't work like that. There are not hollywood-style coming together events or dramatic moments of realisation after which everybody lives happily ever after. Becoming the person you want to be is just as involved and difficult as the creation of any work of art. And if you're not involved, then it's not your work of art. You're just a spectator.

Are you a spectator? Or would you like to be more than that? Choose. That's the first step.

 

[Zaik]

Someone needs some Motivational Piccolo.


I CAN DO THIS! UNGHHHHHHHHH.


Anyway, on a more serious note, does it really matter? The therapist is probably suggesting these sorts of things because you think/thought there was a problem to be fixed. That's the entire point, if s/he told you there was nothing wrong with you, there'd be no money in it for them from repeat visits.

If you don't think something's actually wrong then it probabaly isn't, unless you've been storing decapitated woman heads in your basement or something.

 

[Rooster893]

No, I'm not going to torture with that stupid mutant-freak head thing. I hate it too. At worst, you might get to see a couple pretty pictures.

So last semester I went to see a therapist. The talking kind, not the pills kind, mind you. I went because I was in the middle of one of being down on the world because life sucks periods. Well, particularly down on one area of my life, personal relationships. However, going didn't help, and it seems that the only thing I've gained since then is things that seem to reinforce that idea.

Now, for the longest time, I've never had good...relations with women. Or people for that matter. I've never been the most social person, ever. During pre-school and elementary school, I was bullied by everyone, girls included. Even the kids other kids beat up for their lunch money. I got beat up a lot too; the last time before I left the public school system was bad enough that it would've been considered felony assault had the people been involved been older.

I got taken out of the public system and put into private school. (Not only because of the bullying; my test scores and grades were so significantly better than my classmates and people in higher grades than me that more than a few of my teachers believed the public school system was hindering me) It was a private military school, only for boys. It wasn't a boarding school; I got to go home at the end of the day. However, besides the female facility, there were no women around, ever.

I seemed to do fine though; absolutely dominating the JROTC program (though the physical fitness always brought me down. Hence why I was a 2nd LT my Senior year, rather than a Major or Lt. Colonel like the rest of my scores matched up to), and doing fairly well in school (Foreign Lang. and Chemistry non-withstanding).

Of course the therapist believed this had a lot to do with my "issues". She thought that early bullying being combined with a removal from normal social interaction and "forced" into a rigid, performance based setting was terribly, terribly bad for me. I countered with the fact that my college time had gone relatively smoothly thus far (I was a Junior when I went to see her, I'll be a Senior this year), even if people had found me.....overly formal and rigid at times (You'd be surprised at how many people act surprised when you punctuate your sentences with "Miss/Ma'am/Sir" unless you know their names or have been told to call them something else).

Of course, college has been a sobering dose of reality for me. Going from "Big fish, small pond" to "Tiny Fish, the FUCKING OCEAN" was exactly fun. And being around women didn't get any easier either since now I'm surrounded by people I'm not only statistically inferior to, but by surrounded by people who have interests far more socially acceptable than mine. Because, yes, since I've been a child my primary hobbies have been books, anime, video games. Its not that I didn't ever play sports; soccer was OK, I enjoyed lacrosse for a bit, and paintball is hella fun. Its just that I've never been good enough at them, and by the time middle school came around I was no longer good enough to compete with the other kids, and thus had to stop playing.

Random Distraction from Reading Picture

Spoiler

This combined with not liking anything people my age seem to like, since I don't drink,I don't get to go out much (lack of money, otherwise I'd be gone at paintball every weekend), and an aversion to loud and/or crowded places means I don't do a lot of things they do. While the therapist tried to get at why I didn't like/do these things, I could never get beyond an "I just don't" style of answer.

After that, I explained about how I just don't seem to be...."attracted" to real women anymore. Women in games and anime can most definitely can get me going, but even attractive women in real life just seem to make me feel depressed. She asked me why I just said I couldn't tell her. At best, I guess it was because I felt like I couldn't be a good friend to woman, much less something more important; especially because I wouldn't even be attractive in that sort of way, or possibly even capable of caring for them properly. I'm not physically attractive, I'm smart but not to the point where it out-does my lack of physical attractiveness, I'm not into the kinds of things most people seem to be into, I'm an atheist (which apparently is a fairly HUGE negative in long0term relationships, as I found out from a few studies in my Social Psychology classes) and I detest children.

The therapist asked if I still had regular dreams/desires about women and such, and though I didn't really want to go into detail about them, I did at least describe some of the women that occur in them frequently. I'll save you my long wordy description, and instead say that the most common one looks like a combination of these two women:

See, pretty pictures. Just like I promised.

Tsukimi - Sekirei

Spoiler

Yoko - Gurren Lagann

Spoiler

Though I don't exactly remember what the therapist said, it was something along the lines of "unrealistic and deficient ideas about women causing issues with normal socialization". I do remember getting into a fairly long debate about reality vs. fantasy and their affects on each other with her, though it didn't really get anywhere.

Well, it got to be the end of the semester and I stopped going, having not made any headway. While I've been home for the summer, I've had the off chance to introduced the "Forever Alone" meme. (Hence the name of the thread) And while I see the joke behind the meme, I can't help but start to feel that there might be some truth behind it. That some people, no matter their personal opinions or abilities, just might not get to have the kind(s) of relationship they want to. That they simply get to be the loser in that area. Of course, saying that to anyone somehow makes you a defeatist and/or a fool, and that apparently there must be someone out there for everyone.

But alas, I don't know.

It might be too late for this, but....

Sounds like you need to BRING IT.

<youtube=ybja2T3K6qw>

It worked for me, believe it or not.

 

[Fetzenfisch]

Well i don't know your college's rule, but is it only allowed to meet people with similar interest in official clubs? Just pin a note at the next board and ask peope with interest to send you a mail or something. Then just meet with your "club" somewhere and have fun following your cartoony needs

 

[Da_Vane]

I am speaking for myself here, but I don't understand why is treatment necessary, of course some people have their lives controlled by this aspect, but my family wants me to ENJOY being social, it's not like I, or apparently the op, refuse to come in contact with other people. The problem is that when something is a disorder or a disease people seem to think it need to be removed, and not only that but the person must become a master of whatever the disorder was hindering. In my case it would be similar to wanting a person whose one leg is deficient to win a marathon or something.

Treatment isn't necessary. But, if you are suffering, it is nice to be able to have the option of treatment if you desire it. This is the benefit of understanding, it gives you empowerment, and the ability to make your own choices.

Many people fear change, even if that change might make them better people. As you state, it would be like wanting a person whose one leg is deficient to win a marathon. But think about that absurd argument for a moment - indeed, it is absurd. Is wanting someone, anyone, to win something bad? No, it isn't - it's only if you force them to compete without their will. Anyone who runs a marathon would have managed a great achievement - to cover twenty-six miles of distance is not an easy feat for anyone. For some who's leg is deficient it's even more of an achievement. Put all this together, and think how you would feel if you were the person accomplishing this feat. Not the person who thinks running a marathon is pointless because you do not want to run a marathon.

This last part is important, and holds the absurdity of your argument. You've already justified your reasoning - you don't want to run a marathon. Therefore, running a marathon would be pointless, and there would be nothing to be gained. In any other situation, winning a marathon is a worthy accomplishment that anyone would want to do, but you having already decided, in this instance you don't want to win a marathon, it has become pointless. You have already decided that it is pointless.

Likewise, with treatment. You don't want treatment for a condition, and therefore you see it as pointless. But for many sufferers of many conditions around the world, there is the desire for a treatment, which if not a cure, at least something to help offset the worst of the symptoms they suffer from. It does not matter what the condition, illness, disorder, or disease is - this will always be the case. Therefore it is always nice to have the option to be able to find the information and look into potential treatments to help those who want them. Spare a thought for those with conditions that don't have treatments available yet, and thus don't have the option to make the choice of the treatment you have already deemed as pointless.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

I was in a somewhat similar situation, but I didn't get pulled out of regular school. Instead of eventually fitting in, I just shut down emotionally and socially, sleepwalking through the last six years of public school (and most of college) like a zombie. It was all a defense mechanism to either prevent people from picking on me or from me feeling anything when they did. It worked.

There's no magic pill or environment that turns you into a different person. You would probably be in the same situation had you not gone to military school, but at least you were not functioning on a prison mentality that whole time. By the time I got out of of college, it was pretty difficult to actually make eye contact with people for a long time. I still have never been on a date and I've been out of school for over a year. I still have anxiety attacks and flashbacks to random shit constantly. I begged to get taken out of school or to not go to college, but my parents wouldn't listen (still doesn't really matter - I can't get a decent job).

I think what you might have to do is get yourself some craptacular job making tacos or burgers or selling appliances or anything. My department is almost exclusively male, which isn't necessarily doing me any favors. But if you (or me) had a job that forced you to interact with women on a regular basis, it might be a healthy exercise. You start to realize that people who rely on you can't call you a loser or shove you into lockers anymore. Everyone has to operate on some vague level of politeness and you have the practice to be way more professional than anybody.

Other than that, I have no answers or suggestions.

 

[Gustavo S. Buschle]

snip

Thank you, it's good to see that there are people on the Internet who try to explain thing without having to make themselves seem superior.

 

[Da_Vane]

Thank you, it's good to see that there are people on the Internet who try to explain thing without having to make themselves seem superior.

Thanks for the compliment, although it's very rare. I my experience, most of the time I find that it's generally people finding themselves inferior, and then assuming it's because I am making myself seem superior. There's a lot of people who find it easy to take offence on the internet, and then assume that because they took offence, the other person chose to be offensive towards them.

This is not always the case. Sometimes subjects are delicate, and it is impossible to tell who will read certain content. Understanding and sensitivity towards such subjects are important for all involved, including a healthy dose of compassion and empathy for your fellow human beings. We shouldn't shy away from talking about the important issues just because someone might take offence. Instead, we should be aware that people might take offence, and be mature enough to understand why they might take offence and deal with it in a reasonable, and sensitive, manner.

I wish you, the OP, and everyone else here the best of luck dealing with what ails you in this life.

 

[Booze Zombie]

Therapy only works if you want it to, if you're determined not to change and don't want any help, you won't change, because the one thing you always have control of in this world is yourself.

Anyway, women are people, not all people are the same but some people follow similar patterns. That's the basics of it all, there isn't some blueprint all women are following here just to spite you, not to offend you, but I... have seen a lot of women issues now and I've just got to wonder how much of it all is really an issue or just fear of rejction projected onto a gender.