Forget the Friend Zone, it's OK to be attracted to a friend

[Dusty Fred]

I saw earlier that 'friend zone' has now received official recognition as a concept/phrase/thing. Now; I'd say this is not far off becoming a well-flogged dead horse and I don't want to go raking over any coals here -after mixing your metaphors, pour and serve with a twist of lemon- but this set me thinking and I may have a thought to offer.

It's this: guys, it isn't the end of the world to be attracted to a female friend. Having friends of the opposite sex is a good thing. Indeed, one could go as far as to suggest it's a mite unhealthy not to. At the same time, if you're in your teens or twenties there's a good chance you'll be attracted to said friend at some level. This can drift into a not-especially good place; pining after a friend while hoping that somehow you'll evolve into a boyfriend after you've earned enough friendship exp. I know, I've been there (some might say I'm yet to leave); I've felt the twinge of shame when girls have reasonably criticised that kind of thinking, I've lost sleep over thinking of Her being with Him when she could have Me, I've taken my finest modelling knife and- well, that's not strictly relevant.

But I also have female friends that I get along just fine with, without descending into that particular black pit. Sure, they're very attractive; in the abstract I'd be delighted to experience intimacy with them at some level - and I totally ignore any such thoughts. i don't allow them to affect how I act or talk, I treat my friends as just that; nothing more, nothing less. With a bit of self-discipline, you can sidetrack your instinctive attraction and carry on as if it weren't there.

It might sound implausible guys, but really, if you exercise a little restraint and self-awareness it really isn't too big of an issue. At the very least it might avert this touchy issue where friendship becomes tainted and rancorous. It would be a shame if the Friend Zone as an official phrase becomes a social legacy of our generation.

Over to you. Thoughts? Criticisms? Plaudits?

 

[Doclector]

Logically speaking, allowing that feeling to exist is hazardous to my wellbeing.

let's just say for a moment that I'm not completely retarded and socially bankrupt, and I hit on a girl at a club. It fails, as usual, as always, but if nobody who would mock me witnesses it, there is no ongoing effect if I do not let there be one.

If I become friends with a girl and become attracted to her, it's socially unnacceptable to pretend we never met if I asked her out and failed. It's simply not done, for partially good reason, from her point of view, that's just crappy manners.

But if I stick around, I have to endure it. I have to remind myself why it's hopeless to try. I have to remind myself that I'm a piece of shit who nobody would ever be attracted to in order for things to not fall apart.

Every. Single. Time. we meet.

Thus the only logical option is to completely destroy said feelings. Not allow them to develop. That is far easier than controlling them. Allowing them to develop has no likely positive outcomes, only negative ones.

 

[Darken12]

The Friend Zone doesn't exist, and the only reason it has achieved such a wide recognition and acceptance is because it allows insecure guys to hide behind that to avoid facing rejection.

Having feelings for someone who doesn't reciprocate (friend or not) is a common aspect of life. It's something that we must face and deal with. We must get over those feelings and find someone who does reciprocate, instead of putting our life on hold and hoping they'll change their minds.

But saying you've been Friendzoned is easier, more comfortable. It's not your fault, SHE friendzoned you. She was the bad guy, the ungrateful ***** who doesn't recognise how great you are and how much you "support" her. It's also a comfortable reason not to face the anxiety of meeting new people, flirting with strangers, putting yourself out there to run the risk of repeated rejection.

Stop blaming women because you're too much of a coward to grow up and act like an actual adult.

 

[Darken12]

Oy vey.

The term "Friend Zone" refers to the idea that someone isn't attracted to you because they can only see you as a friend. This term is used and experienced by guys and girls alike. It's a thing.

I honestly don't know why there's such vitriol towards the idea of the "friend-zone".

There are infinite reasons why somebody might not be attracted to you. Have you heard of the "ugly zone" or the "not my type zone" or the "asexual zone" or the "gay zone" or the "already dating someone zone" or the "no chemistry zone" or the "incompatible personalities zone", just to name a few?

The reason I have so much vitriol for the friend zone is because it shifts the responsibility to the person who doesn't feel the attraction. The phrasing is always "X friendzoned you/put you on the friend zone" and never "I put myself in the friend zone". Friendzoning is described as an undesirable thing that someone else does to you. You, the rejected person, are the innocent victim, and the other person is almost always described as having done something bad by not corresponding your feelings or attraction.

The only time the friendzone is described as the rejected person's responsibility is by disgusting misogynists who say that "she friendzoned you because you're too beta, you need to be more dominant, aggressive and Alpha, because [insert sexism here]."

Yes, women claim to be friendzoned too, and they are just as unwilling to face up to rejection as the guys who use the term.

 

[Darken12]

And there's also the friendzone.

The zone where one can't be attracted to another because they can't see themselves as more than friends. I am in a female friend's friendzone and she is in mine. My girlfriend has friendzoned her friends and they have friendzoned her.

It's just a thing.

And what's the problem with the word "friends", then? Why do we need to specify that you've put your friends in the friend zone? Do we put our acquaintances in the acquaintance zone? Our spouses in the spouse zone? Our family in the family zone? Our coworkers in the coworker zone? Our classmates in the classmate zone?

Don't be disingenuous. Wikipedia [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friend_zone] specifically defines the friend zone as " one person wishes to enter into a romantic relationship, while the other does not" so you literally cannot mutually friendzone anyone, because it would imply that both parties simultaneously want and do not want to get into a relationship with another person.

This largely seems to be you projecting other stuff onto the definition. Yes, pathetic saps like to use the term as a type of defence but that doesn't mean that's all it is. It's merely the inability to be attracted to someone because you can only see them as a friend.

That. Is. It.

No. That's not what the friend zone is. You have been misinformed. The friend zone is specifically one person wanting to be in a relationship with another person while that person prefers to remain friends.

 

[bananafishtoday]

The whole "friend zone" idea implies a fundamentally narcissistic and solipsistic way of looking at human interaction. In this framework, women are not autonomous individuals with their own preferences and desires. Any woman will be attracted to you as long as you do X and avoid Y: if she isn't interested in you, it's not that you aren't attractive to her, it's that she unfairly wrote you off because you were too "kind" or "caring" or whatever.

The whole thing has a gross belief underlying it that you are entitled to any woman you want and that you can be with any woman you want as long as you manipulate her properly. The view holds that dating and sex are purely transactional, that male-female friendship is inherently worthless, that any woman can be bedded by your being an aggressive douchebag, and the whole thing just reeks of misogyny, entitlement, and false victimhood. Very common among Nice Guys? who *~*~don't understand*~*~ why women are all such stupid bitches who only date assholes and friendzone every Nice Guy? who'd treat them right.

Fuck outta here wit that buuuullshit.

 

[Darken12]

By labelling them as such haven't you already?

No. The friend zone is specifically one friend wanting to get in a relationship while the other one doesn't. It doesn't mean "mutual absence of attraction."

Well that's unfortunate. I see no reason why it can't be mutual though.

The idea is that you're not attracted because you can only see them as a friend. This doesn't seem to require one to be romantically interested in the other.

That is not what the friend zone is. The idea of the friend zone always implies that one person wants the relationship while the other one doesn't. Otherwise it wouldn't be such a big deal. That's why it's impossible for it to be mutual, because it would generate an automatic contradiction.

Which you say, what, never happens?

Sounds like a pretty common problem to me.

No. I'm saying that the friend zone is a term that needs to die already, and people using it need to deal with the fact that a friend rejecting your sexual/romantic advances isn't being a *****/asshole, they're being regular people who reject you, period, and there's nothing special about their rejection that merits special distinction from any other form of rejection.

Of course, the reason this is so prevalent is because so many people (primarily men) befriend a person while already having feelings/sexual attraction and the intention of sleeping with them or getting into a relationship (and using their friendship as a tool to achieve that goal), and being "friendzoned" is a bad thing because it means their cunning ruse failed.

EDIT:

The whole "friend zone" idea implies a fundamentally narcissistic and solipsistic way of looking at human interaction. In this framework, women are not autonomous individuals with their own preferences and desires. Any woman will be attracted to you as long as you do X and avoid Y: if she isn't interested in you, it's not that you aren't attractive to her, it's that she unfairly wrote you off because you were too "kind" or "caring" or whatever.

The whole thing has a gross belief underlying it that you are entitled to any woman you want and that you can be with any woman you want as long as you manipulate her properly. The view holds that dating and sex are purely transactional, that male-female friendship is inherently worthless, that any woman can be bedded by your being an aggressive douchebag, and the whole thing just reeks of misogyny, entitlement, and false victimhood. Very common among Nice Guys? who *~*~don't understand*~*~ why women are all such stupid bitches who only date assholes and friendzone every Nice Guy? who'd treat them right.

Fuck outta here wit that buuuullshit.

Yes, thank you. This is exactly it.

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

Oh, this friend-zone crap needs to stop, people need to learn to accept rejection.

That said, yeah, I'm not going to pretend some of my female friends aren't attractive. If we weren't friends (and they weren't in relationships with my other friends), I can't say I would be unhappy with the thought of some intimacy. As it is, I'm comfortable with things; partially because they're also my friends girlfriends (which nips all thoughts in the bud), and partly because they're my friends, I just don't see them in a sexual or romantic way. Far too many guys don't seem to know how to do that.

 

[Sonofadiddly]

The thing is, being friends with a person and developing an attraction gradually out of respect and genuine affection for a person has nothing to do with the so-called friend zone. "Friend zone" happens when a guy pretends to be nice to a girl to try and get sex, and she doesn't want to have sex with him but thinks he really wants to be friends.

There's no actual friendship. It's based on a gross lie. All bad. But yeah, I've been friends with guys who I've felt some physical attraction for whilst they are in relationships, and I just accepted that it couldn't happen, and it was fine. No biggie. No sulking necessary.

 

[Innegativeion]

Oh, this friend-zone crap needs to stop, people need to learn to accept rejection.

Some of these grievances I just don't understand.

Doesn't acknowledging that someone has "friend-zoned" you NECESSARILY mean that you acknowledge this person has rejected you as a potential romantic partner?

Being friend-zoned is a kind of rejection. It has always been.

 

[Darken12]

Oh, this friend-zone crap needs to stop, people need to learn to accept rejection.

Some of these grievances I just don't understand.

Doesn't acknowledging that someone has "friend-zoned" you NECESSARILY mean that you acknowledge this person has rejected you as a potential romantic partner?

Being friend-zoned is a kind of rejection. It has always been.

No, actually. By shifting the responsibility/blame unto the person who rejected you, you aren't dealing with anything. It's them who are bad people for friendzoning you, while you're the poor victim who has done nothing wrong. There's also the fact that a lot of these people think that they can "get out" of the friendzone by doing this or that, thereby not really accepting rejection at all.

There's also the fact that a lot of men worry about not being friendzoned in the first place. That is, dismissing the idea of friendship with a woman and instead focusing on avoiding this rejection or "getting out" of it if they are. Or using it as a way to emotionally manipulate her.

 

[bananafishtoday]

Oh, this friend-zone crap needs to stop, people need to learn to accept rejection.

Some of these grievances I just don't understand.

Doesn't acknowledging that someone has "friend-zoned" you NECESSARILY mean that you acknowledge this person has rejected you as a potential romantic partner?

Being friend-zoned is a kind of rejection. It has always been.

Yes and no. The problem with the "friend zone" line of thought is that you convince yourself you were a potential romantic/sexual interest but were written off due to your perceived good character traits (kindness, empathy, emotional availability.) In reality, it's generally that you communicated disinterest, or (more commonly) the person was never into you in the first place. It's possible to like someone and not want to fuck them. In the case of Nice Guys?, this is often because they have major unrecognized character flaws (excessive attachment, unwillingness to accept blame or acknowledge personal failings, jealousy, compulsion to control or manipulate others, narcissism.)

The "friend zone" isn't a kind of rejection, it's an unhealthy way to try and rationalize rejection for other reasons while preserving a warped image of oneself.

 

[Innegativeion]

*snip*

*snip*

Hehe.

I think you're a bit over-analyzing this, considering it's just modern slang for "person doesn't want to be more than friends". No need to wax poetic about these perceived psychological implications,

especially since all supposed implications are entirely circumstantial.

 

[Evil Smurf]

1. People need to grow a pair and ask said person of desire out.
2. If he/she says no, then move on, grow up and realise that not all people want to shag you.

 

[Darken12]

*snip*

Hehe.

I think you're a bit over-analyzing this, considering it's just modern slang for "person doesn't want to be more than friends". No need to wax poetic about these perceived psychological implications,

especially since all supposed implications are entirely circumstantial.

No, they aren't. The friendzone is a term invented by insecure, often misogynistic manchildren and deserves to be called out as such.