Forgiveness
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I propose something much more fruitful, understanding, understand the people who have done wrong and why they have done so.
Holding a grudge will mostly harm your peace of mind and probably others involved, forgiving completely is a nice ideal but quickly allows history to repeat, but understanding why things happen is the one that will bring you the way forward and possibly keep you out of harms way in the future.
Holding a grudge will mostly harm your peace of mind and probably others involved, forgiving completely is a nice ideal but quickly allows history to repeat, but understanding why things happen is the one that will bring you the way forward and possibly keep you out of harms way in the future.
I'm a real bastard for expecting apologies. Sometimes people have offended me in a relatively slight and unimportant way, but the lack of an apology eats at me till I'm showing real contempt. From experience, it's never been a smart thing on my behalf. Grudges could have been avoided if I wasn't so stubborn. Care less. It makes everybody happier, even you.
If you are the one who is wronged, you can forgive or not. It's all up to you. He doesn't have to WANT you to forgive him, for you to forgive him. You literally hold all the cards, as the aggrieved party.
As for forgiveness - it's very important. Especially in politics. The inability for one side to forgive another is one of the factors that create re-current civil wars.
Personally, I haven't had much call to forgive people because I've been lucky enough to mostly avoid bad people. But as long as they haven't done anything worthy of jail time, I'd say forgiveness is reasonable. Again, depends on what they did. If they physically assaulted you, you have every right not to forgive him/her. If they cheated on you, that sucks, but it's also a sign that the relationship wasn't going to work out and that it was best to part ways. So you can forgive them in that case.
I'm willing to forgive just about anything other than: Willful Murder, Rape, Physical Assault, Grievous Bodily Harm and Slavery. Those things I will not forgive. Ever. But anything else, I could bring myself to forgive them. Even if they stole all my money, I could bring myself to forgive.
As for forgiveness - it's very important. Especially in politics. The inability for one side to forgive another is one of the factors that create re-current civil wars.
Personally, I haven't had much call to forgive people because I've been lucky enough to mostly avoid bad people. But as long as they haven't done anything worthy of jail time, I'd say forgiveness is reasonable. Again, depends on what they did. If they physically assaulted you, you have every right not to forgive him/her. If they cheated on you, that sucks, but it's also a sign that the relationship wasn't going to work out and that it was best to part ways. So you can forgive them in that case.
I'm willing to forgive just about anything other than: Willful Murder, Rape, Physical Assault, Grievous Bodily Harm and Slavery. Those things I will not forgive. Ever. But anything else, I could bring myself to forgive them. Even if they stole all my money, I could bring myself to forgive.
Depends entirely on the situation. I don't see forgiving someone and 'moving on' as things that are bound together, so I don't really tend to forgive any one for anything, even people I like. I'm not constantly giving them evil eyes or anything, I act like a civilised being with them I just don't forgive the serious stuff.
If some one dose something wrong and then feels bad about it they they shouldn't have done it in the first place.
If some one dose something wrong and then feels bad about it they they shouldn't have done it in the first place.
I usually kidnap their families, turn them into a chili con carne and feed it to those who have wronged me.
Ahum.
Usually, when some people wronged me I tend to be a bit mad, but I don't need them to ask me for forgiveness. I just don't let those things bother me. If they end up apologizing that's cool and i'll usually accept their apology. If they don't, well I got better things to do than stay mad.
Ahum.
Usually, when some people wronged me I tend to be a bit mad, but I don't need them to ask me for forgiveness. I just don't let those things bother me. If they end up apologizing that's cool and i'll usually accept their apology. If they don't, well I got better things to do than stay mad.
As long if they aren't my "friends" from my high school years, I would like to forgiving. Hypocrite I know but I really can hold a grude that long toward them!
Forgiveness is so you can resolve the situation and move on with your life. You're looking at forgiveness the wrong way, it is not something someone should seek to make you feel better. It is something that you do on your own so that that experience doesn't shape the rest of your life moving forward.
It's cliche but, forgiveness is for you, not the other person.
I had a similar situation with betrayals in intimate relationships. I was pretty angry and carried it with me for awhile until I forgave the people who perpetrated those actions against me. Trust me, these people we're never going to apologize for what they'd done, they felt completely justified in their actions. I had to forgive them so I could live in peace instead of letting them control me from my past.
TL;DR
Forgiveness is not someone "acting" remorseful to you. It's an internal resolution to a situation where you were wronged by someone else. Until your forgive you will be that persons puppet, they'll be painting every action you take until you do.
I used to be a very vengeful guy until I started forgiving people. It just makes me happier to absolve the person and move on with my life than hold some grudge.
It's cliche but, forgiveness is for you, not the other person.
I had a similar situation with betrayals in intimate relationships. I was pretty angry and carried it with me for awhile until I forgave the people who perpetrated those actions against me. Trust me, these people we're never going to apologize for what they'd done, they felt completely justified in their actions. I had to forgive them so I could live in peace instead of letting them control me from my past.
TL;DR
Forgiveness is not someone "acting" remorseful to you. It's an internal resolution to a situation where you were wronged by someone else. Until your forgive you will be that persons puppet, they'll be painting every action you take until you do.
I used to be a very vengeful guy until I started forgiving people. It just makes me happier to absolve the person and move on with my life than hold some grudge.
I would say forgive him in your own mind, and not to his face if possible. Holding on to resentment only hurts you in the end. Don't give them the satisfaction of knowing you need to forgive them for something they don't feel regret for.
If you need to say it face to face then I can't help.
If you need to say it face to face then I can't help.
I think you misunderstand the point of forgiveness from the point of view of someone like Ghandi. Forgiveness isn't about whether someone deserves it or not. Forgiveness is about letting go of pain, frustration, and anger. From this kind of perspective, forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person, it has to do with you. It has to do with whether or not you're going to let the way they act be a burden on you. It's about being the bigger man (or woman).
If you're going to make someone earn "forgiveness," that's fine, but that's not really forgiveness, because it's not really letting go. That's making a deal, it's a retroactive trade to make you even with the person who wronged you. And honestly, I think it rarely plays out well in the long run. If this guy has wronged you in such a way that you feel like he has to make it up to you even though he isn't trying to, chances are he doesn't give a shit, and will just do it again regardless of whether he earns your forgiveness or you just give it to him. I'm just saying if I wronged someone and knew about it, I'd do my best to make it up without having to be prompted to, and if I didn't, it'd be because I wasn't interested in making it up or changing my behavior.
I guess the point I'm trying to make my way towards here, is that I don't think he cares one way or the other. So all that really matters is how you're going to handle it. I'd say that letting go and forgiving him without trying to make him jump through hoops, whether it's just in your head or to his face, is probably the most emotionally healthy option. You'll come out of it looking like the bigger person, and freed from the burden you'd still have to carry the other way. But, you're a human being, just like the rest of us, so you could hardly be blamed for choosing another course of action.
If you're going to make someone earn "forgiveness," that's fine, but that's not really forgiveness, because it's not really letting go. That's making a deal, it's a retroactive trade to make you even with the person who wronged you. And honestly, I think it rarely plays out well in the long run. If this guy has wronged you in such a way that you feel like he has to make it up to you even though he isn't trying to, chances are he doesn't give a shit, and will just do it again regardless of whether he earns your forgiveness or you just give it to him. I'm just saying if I wronged someone and knew about it, I'd do my best to make it up without having to be prompted to, and if I didn't, it'd be because I wasn't interested in making it up or changing my behavior.
I guess the point I'm trying to make my way towards here, is that I don't think he cares one way or the other. So all that really matters is how you're going to handle it. I'd say that letting go and forgiving him without trying to make him jump through hoops, whether it's just in your head or to his face, is probably the most emotionally healthy option. You'll come out of it looking like the bigger person, and freed from the burden you'd still have to carry the other way. But, you're a human being, just like the rest of us, so you could hardly be blamed for choosing another course of action.
Acting passive-aggressive is not the same as forgiveness.Shadowstar38 said:
To the OP, forgiving him seems like the only way to go. Revenge can feel good, but it's messy and comes with a whole lot of negative consequences. You probably have better things to do than to sit around, stewing in anger.
Depends on the situation. If it's a mistake, sure, if it's malevolant and intentional. No.
Time for vengeance, or at the very least making sure you damn well don't help them out.
Time for vengeance, or at the very least making sure you damn well don't help them out.
Forgiveness is an internal affair, based on whether or not you're willing to let go what a person has done in the past and not hold it against them in the future. It doesn't matter if they seek out your forgiveness. Despite what you might initially believe, this isn't about them. This is about you. The question is not "Are they willing to atone for their actions?" The question is not "Are they now aware that what they did was wrong?" The question isn't "Are they-" anything. The question here is: Are you willing to forgive them? The answer should not be dependent on another's actions.
I forgive everyone, because I don't feel the need to hold anything against anyone. Whether or not it was a mistake or intentional, I know I am the better man. I learn from what their actions have caused and take steps to avoid these things in the future, but I don't hold it against them. There really isn't a need for that.
This might not be the case for any of you. You might be kept down by sorrow, anger, feelings of betrayal, and grief. You might feel compelled to pursue revenge or some other personal vendetta against that person. If that's the case, and you can't let that go: I feel bad for you, son. I've got surprisingly few problems, and vengeance ain't one.
I forgive everyone, because I don't feel the need to hold anything against anyone. Whether or not it was a mistake or intentional, I know I am the better man. I learn from what their actions have caused and take steps to avoid these things in the future, but I don't hold it against them. There really isn't a need for that.
This might not be the case for any of you. You might be kept down by sorrow, anger, feelings of betrayal, and grief. You might feel compelled to pursue revenge or some other personal vendetta against that person. If that's the case, and you can't let that go: I feel bad for you, son. I've got surprisingly few problems, and vengeance ain't one.