Fostering children

[Necroid_Neko]

I would really like to foster a couple of kids when I'm older, I'm just worried I wouldn't have the skill/confidence/discipline to keep emotionally damaged kids happy

 

[DrRockor]

I don't know much about the foster care system so I can't really comment. What will say is that helping kids who have possibly gone through some really emotionally damaging experiences is something that I really respect and I say good luck to you.

I can't really remember what I was like at 11 even through it was only 7 years ago. I guess just taking your time to find out what she likes is important and not judging it at all is best. It will help give her the confidence to open up to you and see you as family.

I hope it goes well and the best of luck to you

 

[AmayaOnnaOtaku]

My grandparents ran a foster home for 30+ years, if you have the heart and the home for it I say go for it

 

[putowtin]

snip

Congratulations, a decent human being (in fact two including your wife!)

As for what kids like, no idea, it's been far too long since I was one! But at 11 their at that magical stage between wanting to be grown up and still being kids

 

[requisitename]

Did they have any kids of their own in addition to the 6+? That's crazy! That blows that you had to go through a situation like that.

The [a href=http://www.boystown.org/]Agency[/a] that we're using and is training us does a case study on the potential foster parents to see how many kids they think the foster family can handle based on several factors. One of which is the square footage of your home and bedrooms they also have a built in limit of 6. A lot of training revolves around dealing with trauma, positive discipline, and controlling our tempers etc. So hopefully situations like yours won't be repeated.

Apparently, our limit is 5 but we told them we don't want more than 3 at any one time. We were also allowed to put an age bracket and write things you don't think you could handle. For example we said we can't take kids that do cruelty to animals cuz we have kitty cats and are looking to purchase some horses or kids who are known to have gang affiliations because I'm a cop and our home's remote location.

I am the girl's 'pen pal' currently just so when she comes to live with us she won't feel I'm as much of a stranger. Looks like we'll be buying some [a href=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dear_America]Dear America[/a] books.

They had an adopted son (not from the foster program - adopted as an infant).

Three sounds like a reasonable number to me. I understand the urge to help as many kids as possible, but there comes a point where no matter how good your intentions, the children probably aren't going to get the level of emotional support they need because the parents are pulled in too many directions.

It's good that they allow you to set limits like that because, honestly, it does an end run around some potential problems. If you know (or even suspect) you can't deal with something, it's better that it's not thrust upon you to sort however you can. My foster parents would've done better with kids who weren't ADHD. They had *no* patience for fidgeting.

One thing I will warn you about (that they may or may not have) is that some children who've been in the system for a long time and/or had a lot of placements are pros at manipulating people. I saw it with a couple of the kids I was placed with. It's an art at that level, really. Certainly not all (or even most) of them are like that, but make sure you don't let your compassion for someone who's had a hard life be turned into exploitation of your good nature.

My oldest niece absolutely LOVES the Dear America books. That's what I got her for Christmas.

 

[Screamarie]

Actually I did know about the stuffed animals in the back of police cars. I believe my mother told me when I was a child and we were watching Cops on TV. She worked as a police dispatcher when she was younger so I figure thats how she knew.

Anyways, onto the original topic, way to go you and wifey for taking in this child! Major karma points your way and I hope things go fairly smoothly and you guys are super happy!

I think a large problem with foster care, besides the horror stories, is how it's portrayed in the media. Watch a few episodes of Law and Order and the every social worker is lazy or incompetent, every child is a handful and if they're not they're abused, and every foster home is a dank, depressing place where the mother and father are stretched so thin everyone has to eat ramen every night for dinner. And that's simply not true. Yes, some foster parents have no business doing this for various reasons and it's likely that there are kids that are too far gone but that's probably a small percentage in comparison to the actual number. Yes for foster homes money is probably often stretched tight and the like and everything isn't sunshine and rainbows, but that's how it seems to be for ANY family.

I don't have much in the way of experience with foster and orphaned children, but I've met several people who were adopted and the like and they've grown up to be loving, responsible people. Yes life was hard for them, but it didn't automatically make them sociopaths.

As for what she likes...well you'd have to talk to her as every girl is different. I was a tomboy nerd so at eleven I was playing video games and reading books. But that didn't mean I compeltely avoided all girly pursuits as I still had some barbies lying around. I'd suggest starting with a doll and/or a teddy bear, maybe a couple of cheap bottles of nail polish so her and your wife can do each others nails, and a board game of some sort to play with you and your wife. From there let her pick and choose her interests and try to support her.

 

[Elementary - Dear Watson]

I was only fostered for a couple of weeks, and I was 16 months old so I don't remember it! But I do know that the family I was in had 8 kids at the time, all ages, (in fact the older ones looked after the younger ones!) I was adopted a couple of weeks later though, so that was that!

I do think it seems like governments appear to do as much as they can to stop people adopting, rather than helping, and the whole process and set up is so daunting that most people would be turned away! I commend you for going through with it! It's a great thing to do, to give a kid a second chance!

To be honest though wouldn't your wife be the expert at the interests thing though, if she works with kids that age! I can't remember what my sister used to like at that age... but i'm sure it was reading! Then again, of course, everyone is different!

Not much more I can add, but just to say well done again, and you are a good person!

 

[Vault101]

"foster home" is such a loaded word...and as Screamarie said its not prtayed very well in the media (Terminator 2 anyone?)

anyway I think when done right its much better than leaving children with abusive parents, I dont know much about it

there was a "special needs" girl in our town who was a foster kid..she did ok but was kind of messed up..then one day aparently (I was in boarding school by then) she "said" she had taken 16 panadol...cue freakouts and being rushed to the hospital (which was an hour and a half away in anther bigger town) turns out he had made it up...or somthing

her foster mum went off at her understandibly, and then aparently she got taken away again by social service,

point was it was bullshit, and I feel sorry for her foster-mum because she wasnt a bad foster parent or deserved that (as kids we always considered her a bit of an old witch but I know she's not the bogeyman we made her out to be...thats just how kids are)

 

[Zack Alklazaris]

While my wife and I have stated clearly we don't want kids. After all we are kind of kids ourselves, we have discussed that we would adopt. Better picking and the last thing this world needs is for people to produce more children when there are so many that need homes.

 

[AngloDoom]

I was in foster care for a few years, but I was a baby so I can barely remember it.

I can tell you though, why there is a stigma about foster care and careers. While it's true that there are horror stories from the past and present, it's also true that the very existence of foster care means there is a tragedy of some magnitude involved.

People who see foster kids generally don't think "oh how nice those people are for taking that child in" they think "how sad that child isn't with their real family".

This.

Too many people view children in foster-care as a continuing tragedy. Sure, the fact that the child was taken away from their previous home shows some degree of heart-ache would have occurred, but it is the attitude people have toward such children that makes them think they're different in some way.

One of my closest friends years back was taken away from his mother after she used to beat him black and blue, but he found himself with a lovely family that cared for him like he was their own son. Then when the guy hit secondary-school, suddenly everyone started treating him like he was a sad case and treated him differently. Suddenly he wasn't happy that he'd escaped a terrible household, but sad because he wasn't back in that household.

If I ever want to have children, I'd much prefer to adopt. There are plenty of kids already out there without parents who need a stable home and if I can provide one then why not?

 

[weker]

I think the complicated and lengthy screening process required to adopt a child is positively absurd when someone can just bring their own child into an abusive family and no one seems to give a shit.

Yeah, I've never quite gotten that. It's not that hard for many people to produce their own children (well, very easy for a man, the woman has to carry it around for 9 months inside her), you can get the process going in, what, 5 minutes? Ok, no guarantee it'll happen for any individual attempt, but still.

It's logical and makes sense to create some form of processing to know if people are allowed children and such in the same way adoption is, as so many kids live awful lives due to irresponsible parents. The problem is this area is when the government starts interfering with "nature" and what people feel entitled to, its the sort of area where this future horror stories which depict the world as turning into something awful arise.

 

[FamoFunk]

Good luck with everything! Fostering and adoption are selfless acts that can changes a child life forever.

I have no idea what 11yo's like these days, I'm assuming it's all gadget stuff now?