Frustrated/Lonely

[Substitute Troll]

I always try to live by this one phrase: "keep it simple, stupid!" Doesn't matter if it's a plan to score brownie-points with a girl or if it's the quickest way to make breakfast. However, this phrase also applies to your situation. If you feel like none of your friends want to stay in touch, perhaps that's actually the case. The simplest explanation is that you aren't very likeable, by them. If you wish to change this, become a better person in their eyes, or find new friends who appreciate you for who you are.

(This speculation was brought to you by Sub.Troll Inc. Sub.Troll Inc. is in no way responsible for hurt feelings and/or misinterpretation of the speculative text)

Haha, no need for the disclaimer. Sometimes the brute honesty is the best, and I appreciate your feedback very much. It's actually the most unique response I've had yet in that it's extremely simple and to the point, so it's definitely nice to get a new view of things!

That is something I should really try to focus on (keeping things simple that is). I try to be very thorough, but maybe I should consider being more simplistic and impulsive sometimes? I can see where someone would see the appeal to that, but having said that, I don't know if that's really something that I feel is very "me" :/.

In terms of viewing the overall situation that way though, I'm not sure if my brain is wired to handle that. I just naturally want to understand and make sense of things.

You may very well be right though. Unfortunately, I refuse to "change" myself for others, but becoming a "better person" is a subjective sort of thing. I've been definitely making an effort to improve myself as a person based on how I think I would be happy... but if they aren't interested in that sort of person anymore, I guess I'm sort of stuck.

Been working on the "find new friends" front for a while though. Don't seem to be having much success in the real world, but to my surprise I've started developing a couple new friendships over the internet.

I'll certainly take into consideration what you said though. Thanks again !

Sub.Troll Inc. is glad to be of assistance.

My work here is done.

*jetpacks out of the thread*

 

[HumourlessBaboon]

I think you sound like an excellent friend.
I don't think your friends are rejecting you, so you shouldn't worry too much. People tend to grow more distant over time, while staying the same (if that makes sense). I used to talk to my best friend every day. We haven't talked in around a month, but we're still as friendly with each other as we were before. We're not even going to college near each other, but we're going to have some great stories to tell each other afterwards. It seems like you are the kind of person who likes friendships to be close and responsive. Conversely, it seems like your friends don't necessarily feel the need to be in contact as much as you do. I'm not sure what environment you are in (High School, College, etc., so I can't give you a specific answer. I hope you find someone with whom you can regularly arrange time to hang out so you don't feel so lonely. Meanwhile, I wouldn't stop trying to arrange things with your other friends, and I really respect that you are trying to make things work out between you all even though you're unsure of your relationship.
If I completely misinterpreted what you were saying, sorry.
I hope this helps you feel better and that everything works out.

 

[IrradiatedFish]

I think you sound like an excellent friend.

Hello there, thanks for providing some feedback ! That's a very nice thing you could say, despite hardly knowing me .

I don't think your friends are rejecting you, so you shouldn't worry too much. People tend to grow more distant over time, while staying the same (if that makes sense). I used to talk to my best friend every day. We haven't talked in around a month, but we're still as friendly with each other as we were before. We're not even going to college near each other, but we're going to have some great stories to tell each other afterwards.

I believe you're right to a large degree. I don't want to think that they're outright rejecting me, but I simply don't believe they're really interested in keeping touch any longer. It's not that they dislike me, but I don't believe that they think I have anything to offer that they cant get elsewhere (and that could be on a completely subconscious level too). It's just kind of a downer when you try to keep in touch with people and they don't show the same interest back.

I'm not so sure anymore if it's really a matter of identifying why this is, so much as it's a matter of trying to find a way to just deal with it. I'm not really keen on the idea of just dropping these friendships though, because, well, I guess I've tried hard to maintain them the best I can. Admittedly I'm not so sure if I've done a very good job of that sometimes. But I'm not one to give up; and whether that's because I don't want to lose them, or just because I have a ridiculously stubborn nature and I don't like the idea of giving up on things in general, I don't really know.

It seems like you are the kind of person who likes friendships to be close and responsive.

This is very true. I can be a stick in the mud sometimes... And the people I let into my life as "friends" tend to become very close to me. Or at least that's how I view things; I wouldn't be surprised if this ends up being one-way a lot of the time. Of course it takes a while for me to warm up to someone, but if I start actually calling someone my friend, I truly mean it, and they've very likely done something to deserve it. There are a lot of people I like, and get along with well enough, but I don't really call them my friends either... I think I may have high standards for myself a lot of the time :/. I suppose that, bottom line, I don't throw around adjectives describing my relationship with someone very easily. I become hesitant when labelling people because I suppose a lot of the time I don't want to label someone incorrectly. And all that aside, I don't think people really like being labelled either. Not sure if you followed that; my thought process can be quite the convoluted one.

I guess having said all that, and combining everything with the theme behind my problem, it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense that I could be really close to people. And I guess I'm really not. But I *want* to be close to people... Which is sort of weird within itself if you consider how introverted I behave sometimes. Oh boy, what a confusing mess. Yes, I talk myself into many circles when I'm tying to figure things out!

Conversely, it seems like your friends don't necessarily feel the need to be in contact as much as you do. I'm not sure what environment you are in (High School, College, etc., so I can't give you a specific answer. I hope you find someone with whom you can regularly arrange time to hang out so you don't feel so lonely. Meanwhile, I wouldn't stop trying to arrange things with your other friends, and I really respect that you are trying to make things work out between you all even though you're unsure of your relationship.

Yes, that is accurate. It seems that they no longer have the desire to be in contact with me. Any communications from the majority of them is scarce, and usually is initiated by me. Because of this, communication is getting even rarer, because it's getting hard for me to consistently make the effort to arrange something, or even say hello, particularly when nothing much happens out of it.

In terms of my environment, that's part of the issue. I'm in my 4th year of post-secondary education, currently in my 2nd year of a power engineering program, and a lot of my friends have already finished their education, or are at different schools several hours away. Even when I travel home to visit my folks, all of my friends who were in the same vicinity as me when I was growing up have moved elsewhere anyway, so it's sort of a moot point -_-.

It's interesting that I'm getting so many different opinions though. Some people think it would be better if I moved on and forgot about them, and others like yourself are suggesting that it would be a good idea to persist. I am definitely a stubborn person, and that's what my initial plan was. But I guess I really need to think hard about the pros and cons of my options.

If I completely misinterpreted what you were saying, sorry.
I hope this helps you feel better and that everything works out.

Nope, no worries, I don't think you misinterpreted anything. Well, I guess truthfully no one can really understand what goes on in another persons head. But having said that, you seem to know where I'm coming from

Thanks , it does help! I appreciate the time you've taken to post here for me, and I've already begun to feel a bit better since I've gotten so many great people taking their time to lend me some advice. Cheers!

(PS: Hopefully that all makes sense and there aren't some huge formatting errors somewhere. That was one of the longer replies I've given recently!)

 

[HumourlessBaboon]

I think you sound like an excellent friend.

Hello there, thanks for providing some feedback ! That's a very nice thing you could say, despite hardly knowing me .

I don't think your friends are rejecting you, so you shouldn't worry too much. People tend to grow more distant over time, while staying the same (if that makes sense). I used to talk to my best friend every day. We haven't talked in around a month, but we're still as friendly with each other as we were before. We're not even going to college near each other, but we're going to have some great stories to tell each other afterwards.

I believe you're right to a large degree. I don't want to think that they're outright rejecting me, but I simply don't believe they're really interested in keeping touch any longer. It's not that they dislike me, but I don't believe that they think I have anything to offer that they cant get elsewhere (and that could be on a completely subconscious level too). It's just kind of a downer when you try to keep in touch with people and they don't show the same interest back.

I'm not so sure anymore if it's really a matter of identifying why this is, so much as it's a matter of trying to find a way to just deal with it. I'm not really keen on the idea of just dropping these friendships though, because, well, I guess I've tried hard to maintain them the best I can. Admittedly I'm not so sure if I've done a very good job of that sometimes. But I'm not one to give up; and whether that's because I don't want to lose them, or just because I have a ridiculously stubborn nature and I don't like the idea of giving up on things in general, I don't really know.

It seems like you are the kind of person who likes friendships to be close and responsive.

This is very true. I can be a stick in the mud sometimes... And the people I let into my life as "friends" tend to become very close to me. Or at least that's how I view things; I wouldn't be surprised if this ends up being one-way a lot of the time. Of course it takes a while for me to warm up to someone, but if I start actually calling someone my friend, I truly mean it, and they've very likely done something to deserve it. There are a lot of people I like, and get along with well enough, but I don't really call them my friends either... I think I may have high standards for myself a lot of the time :/. I suppose that, bottom line, I don't throw around adjectives describing my relationship with someone very easily. I become hesitant when labelling people because I suppose a lot of the time I don't want to label someone incorrectly. And all that aside, I don't think people really like being labelled either. Not sure if you followed that; my thought process can be quite the convoluted one.

I guess having said all that, and combining everything with the theme behind my problem, it doesn't really make a whole lot of sense that I could be really close to people. And I guess I'm really not. But I *want* to be close to people... Which is sort of weird within itself if you consider how introverted I behave sometimes. Oh boy, what a confusing mess. Yes, I talk myself into many circles when I'm tying to figure things out!

Conversely, it seems like your friends don't necessarily feel the need to be in contact as much as you do. I'm not sure what environment you are in (High School, College, etc., so I can't give you a specific answer. I hope you find someone with whom you can regularly arrange time to hang out so you don't feel so lonely. Meanwhile, I wouldn't stop trying to arrange things with your other friends, and I really respect that you are trying to make things work out between you all even though you're unsure of your relationship.

Yes, that is accurate. It seems that they no longer have the desire to be in contact with me. Any communications from the majority of them is scarce, and usually is initiated by me. Because of this, communication is getting even rarer, because it's getting hard for me to consistently make the effort to arrange something, or even say hello, particularly when nothing much happens out of it.

In terms of my environment, that's part of the issue. I'm in my 4th year of post-secondary education, currently in my 2nd year of a power engineering program, and a lot of my friends have already finished their education, or are at different schools several hours away. Even when I travel home to visit my folks, all of my friends who were in the same vicinity as me when I was growing up have moved elsewhere anyway, so it's sort of a moot point -_-.

It's interesting that I'm getting so many different opinions though. Some people think it would be better if I moved on and forgot about them, and others like yourself are suggesting that it would be a good idea to persist. I am definitely a stubborn person, and that's what my initial plan was. But I guess I really need to think hard about the pros and cons of my options.

If I completely misinterpreted what you were saying, sorry.
I hope this helps you feel better and that everything works out.

Nope, no worries, I don't think you misinterpreted anything. Well, I guess truthfully no one can really understand what goes on in another persons head. But having said that, you seem to know where I'm coming from

Thanks , it does help! I appreciate the time you've taken to post here for me, and I've already begun to feel a bit better since I've gotten so many great people taking their time to lend me some advice. Cheers!

(PS: Hopefully that all makes sense and there aren't some huge formatting errors somewhere. That was one of the longer replies I've given recently!)

Thanks for the response!
I'm glad that you've been feeling better since posting the thread.

The big point I'm trying to make is that people have different ideas of what friendship is (shown by the conflict of people who have written back). This is fine, and makes the world more interesting. However, you are caught in the middle and feel like you don't know who is really a friend.
I don't suggest forgetting your old friends. I do think you should take maybe a month off to hang with the people who enjoy closer relationships, then try messaging your friends again and see their reactions.
The best way to test things is often stopping for a while and returning later.
Because your problem is the feeling of seclusion itself, I do think you should get some new friends without replacing the old ones,

"I become hesitant when labelling people because I suppose a lot of the time I don't want to label someone incorrectly. And all that aside, I don't think people really like being labelled either. Not sure if you followed that; my thought process can be quite the convoluted one."

I think I get where you're coming from--
You don't want to limit yourself to thinking of people in a certain way, and you don't want to think they're closer or farther away from you than they are.
Is that what you're saying?
It's fine that you wrote a long message. I can't see any errors, and I'm one of those people that like long messages. Unless, of course, it's a list of reasons that my Java program wasn't good enough from my teacher.

Glad that we all could help.

 

[IrradiatedFish]

Thanks for the response!
I'm glad that you've been feeling better since posting the thread.

Thank *you* for replying to me!

The big point I'm trying to make is that people have different ideas of what friendship is (shown by the conflict of people who have written back). This is fine, and makes the world more interesting. However, you are caught in the middle and feel like you don't know who is really a friend.

Yes, that would be an accurate interpretation. I know everyone is different and everyone views things differently; life wouldn't be nearly as interesting otherwise, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I guess I don't take things for their surface value. I really do believe that actions are worth a thousand words, and I'm more likely to take note of how someone acts rather than a few things they say. I.E. it's one thing for someone to say something, but if someone acts on those words instead of just talking about it, I'll be far more impressed (though in some cases, using words can still be an action in itself... sort of hard to explain outright)

I don't suggest forgetting your old friends. I do think you should take maybe a month off to hang with the people who enjoy closer relationships, then try messaging your friends again and see their reactions.
The best way to test things is often stopping for a while and returning later.
Because your problem is the feeling of seclusion itself, I do think you should get some new friends without replacing the old ones,

I don't really want to forget them... When you say that I should take a month off, well, that's not too difficult, because it's already getting towards that amount of time since I've tried talking to a lot of them anyway. This isn't the first time either, as there have been many times where I've been tired of trying to maintain communication with them based on my own initiative, and I did go through a period of about 4 months of isolating myself from the majority of them without hearing anything. I have fun and enjoy myself when I'm with them, but that mutual interest doesn't seem there anymore. I'm starting to consider that I should just leave things alone this time, and hopefully I'll have enough social outlets elsewhere that I won't get desperate enough to turn to them again for some interaction.

"I become hesitant when labelling people because I suppose a lot of the time I don't want to label someone incorrectly. And all that aside, I don't think people really like being labelled either. Not sure if you followed that; my thought process can be quite the convoluted one."

I think I get where you're coming from--
You don't want to limit yourself to thinking of people in a certain way, and you don't want to think they're closer or farther away from you than they are.
Is that what you're saying?

Yes, that's part of it. I don't really like the concept of categorizing people, but I think it's something we all do subconsciously anyway. An example being, "these people are my family", "these people are my friends", "this person is my arch nemesis from the moon", or "these guys are my co-workers"; it's not something we really think about, it just kinda happens in the background. With me, I think I just don't let myself embrace people as "friends" as easily, and I tend to leave a lot of people subconsciously lumped into a huge category of "people I know/acquaintances" or "people I get along really well with, but aren't really friends that I spend any time with". Kind of a tricky thing to talk about; often I can't even describe with words the sort of stuff that goes on in my head, and when I do, it's all so convoluted that everything ends up sounding like one big contradiction :S.

It's fine that you wrote a long message. I can't see any errors, and I'm one of those people that like long messages. Unless, of course, it's a list of reasons that my Java program wasn't good enough from my teacher.

Glad that we all could help.

Well, I'm glad you're fine with long messages, because I got your friend request, so if we're going to keep in touch, you best prepare yourself for thorough conversations .

Oh, a programmer are ya? I sort of have a little story I could tell in regards to that sort of thing, but there's a better time and place for that rather than in this thread, hahah.

Anyway, thanks for replying . Sorry for taking so long to reply too; normally I'm much quicker, but I had a really exhausting day and I just didn't have the energy to post until now.

 

[Mourne]

The way I look at friends, I think about several things,

• 
  ? Do I talk to you?
  ? Do we have compatible personalities?
  ? What's the chance of argument?
  ? Are you rude in general?
  ? Would you make a great minion to shove under my heel?

I'm highly analytical of my friends, which result in me having very few personal friends, and I prefer to keep a few friends that I know than a bunch of friends I only kinda know. I would think that you fall into a similar category, if not the same?

Last bit: Don't try too hard. Trying is definitely nice, but there are people out there who will take advantage of it, especially if you are lonely. It's very unfortunate but it does happen. I would hate for you to come to any kind of harm because someone was using or playing you.

I would have to agree with this statement. Trying too hard can run you ragged as not trying at all.

================

I feel bad a bit for not giving a longer post. I'm fascinated by how much you can write for such a small section.

And it is because of this thread that I realized this forum has a friend's list Mind if I add you?

 

[IrradiatedFish]

Well, the reason I brought it up is because of the example that we were talking about. You might not always be able to wedge yourself into a group. You may only connect with a few of the people as opposed to everyone. You may even find yourself not invited at all, instead spending more individual time with the people you connected with originally. Like everything in life, social decisions and situations will never be perfect, nor will their outcomes. The point I want to make though is, even if you do connect with 1 person, you've made a friend. You can apply that mindset to every other situation afterwords.

Hmm... well, see, I think part of the problem is that honestly, yeah, I don't really even want to be a part of big groups. I'd much prefer to have one or two close friends. The problem with that though, is a lot of people are already apart of these groups. And with what I've experienced in the past, it seems rather difficult to try to get into a group (and maybe not even make friends with the whole group as you've said), and get out with a new friend who would rather spend time with you than with their already establish group of friends. I'm probably making this more complicated than it needs to be, but I suppose I'm worried I'm going to repeat my current situation: ~Make friends with a couple people. Get along "decently" with whole group. Group moves on. Friends that are apart of group moves on with them.~ I suppose I'm just hesitant about getting left in the dust again.

Bah, in any case, I need to stop thinking about the past like that and just do what I was going to and move ahead and take action. I suppose I just wish I could stumble across someone in a similar position to me, and then bam, instant soul mate! Haha!

"I'll try my best. I should see how these people really are before I make a decision on whether or not they would really connect with me."

Something like this. When I said trying, I mainly meant in this department. I can understand where you are coming from, but I honestly don't believe that the people associated with 1 person should dictate your chances. If you go about things like that, you could be missing out on friends left and right. If I were in your shoes, I'm positive that I would be connecting or making attempts to connect with anyone I regularly talk to. I don't know what they are really like, because I don't know them well enough. In my mind, if I get to know someone & give them that consideration, I could accurately say at that point whether or not we could bond.

Things that just happen that are out of your power, "The Way Things Are" are not your fault in my view. However, not giving people a chance because of what you said could be. If you could be making friends but weren't because you didn't at least try with people you know, then that is your fault in my opinion. :|

Yeah, I see where you're coming from, and I definitely agree with it. I guess a part of the problem is simply just the application of the ideas. I'm still rather introverted, and I wonder sometimes if me being friendly comes off as awkward. I mean, I honestly don't think I'm an awkward person; I'm a pretty normal guy (ok, maybe "normal" is one of the most ludicrously subjective words I could have used to describe myself, but hopefully you catch my drift). But that said I think I'm making a bit of progress at least, even if it's just in baby steps. I've been making sure to say hello and goodbye to classmates and such as I see them, and I generally seem to get positive replies.

Ask yourself this: what do you have to lose by trying?

Hahah, yeaaaaah, I knowwwww,

Last bit: Don't try too hard. Trying is definitely nice, but there are people out there who will take advantage of it, especially if you are lonely. It's very unfortunate but it does happen. I would hate for you to come to any kind of harm because someone was using or playing you.

Unfortunately, I am subject to this, or at least I have been before. On the bright side, nothing really that bad has come out of it, but I've definitely been "used" before to a certain degree. I guess I get a lot of people asking for favours just because I don't mind helping out.

Last year it seemed like every week that someone was knocking at my door and requesting that I fixed their malfunctioning printer, or troubleshoot a problem on their computer. Also got a lot of people coming to me for help with assignments or looking for an explanation on subject matter from a lecture weeks ago. Now, none of that really bothers me, but none of these people seemed to have any desire to pursue a friendship either, which is unfortunately why it seems that they're only interested in my assistance and nothing more. The one thing that kinda sucked though, was because I was one of few people at the residence with a car, I often got requests to drive people places. Mostly it was just to the school, where I was obviously already heading to anyway, but it's still sort of depressing when I'm paying for parking and gas, and no one wants to pitch in :/ (there was ONE guy who was kind enough to offer gas money once in a while, but everyone else just took it as a freebie).

Eh, what can I say, I'm a sucker.

Different group of people at the residence this year though, and I've actually had none of those things happen this year, so, eh, I guess I'm not worried about being taken advantage of this time around.

Sorry it took me so long to reply! Now for your PM.

Bah! No need to apologize, I'm still glad you got to it . Thanks for both replies!

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The way I look at friends, I think about several things,

• 
  ? Do I talk to you?
  ? Do we have compatible personalities?
  ? What's the chance of argument?
  ? Are you rude in general?
  ? Would you make a great minion to shove under my heel?

I'm highly analytical of my friends, which result in me having very few personal friends, and I prefer to keep a few friends that I know than a bunch of friends I only kinda know. I would think that you fall into a similar category, if not the same?

Hello, thanks for the posting ! Yes, I would say that you made an accurate assumption. I'm very careful about who I spend time with, and I definitely prefer people who I find to be genuine and honest. I'm cautious about most things, and I'm not much of a gambler, so I really like to grow close to people, because I suppose I feel more secure in a friendship that way. All that aside, I feel that knowing someone thoroughly and having them feel the same in return, is a much more rewarding experience. I know it's not realistic to expect all people to feel that way, but I like having a certain level of understanding with others.

I do wish I could go back to having friends the same way I did in elementary school. Generally it seems that kids are honest about "who they are", and what you see is what you get. I miss those times when you could be "best friends in the whole world" with someone, and everything seemed much simpler and to the point.

Last bit: Don't try too hard. Trying is definitely nice, but there are people out there who will take advantage of it, especially if you are lonely. It's very unfortunate but it does happen. I would hate for you to come to any kind of harm because someone was using or playing you.

I would have to agree with this statement. Trying too hard can run you ragged as not trying at all.

Yeah, that's a true thing all right. Scroll up and see the response I posted for her; don't see much point in copy and pasting it again right here , just takes up space!

================

I feel bad a bit for not giving a longer post. I'm fascinated by how much you can write for such a small section.

Don't feel bad, I appreciate the time you took to write a reply at all! Thanks !

Hahah, well, no one has ever accused me of being/having simple-minded/a small mind, that's for sure. It sometimes takes me hours to write these replies, not because of how long it takes me to physically type them (I'm rather nimble on a keyboard), but because I usually put lots of thought into my answers (also, I think a lot of the length comes from some unnecessary wordiness too :/). I think my electricity teacher hates marking my assignments because I write therefore statements instead of giving simple numerical answers hahah!

And it is because of this thread that I realized this forum has a friend's list Mind if I add you?

Sure! I'll send you a message right now .

 

[Batou667]

My advice is twofold:

1) Become happier and more comfortable in your own company. Sure, absolute isolation is horrible for all but a tiny proportion of people. But, truth be told a lot of people have fairly solitary hobbies, and that doesn't make them losers or no-lifers. Why not start going to a gym, or fishing, or learning some kind of art? Sometimes the best quality time is the time spent just by yourself. Learn to see yourself as Numero Uno and anybody else as a pleasant bonus, and your relationships will improve.

2) Broaden the net. There are lots of ways to meet people, and often it'll be through a shared interest. That's why every time somebody on this forum asks where they can meet friends or prospective girlfriends, I say, join a club or society. The beauty of it is you'll meet a whole different type of person in your Life Drawing class compared to the buddies you might make in the martial arts club.

Points one and two overlap and compliment each other. The more depth of personality you have yourself, the more people you'll meet and have something in common with, and the more they'll subtly change your personality and perception of the world.

So in a nutshell, do what makes you happy, and put yourself out there.