Gamer seeking real-world advice

[sageoftruth]

Since High School, I've been relatively good at making friends, but have never been able to start an actual relationship. Now I've been out of college for 3 years and have concluded that I lack the courage/confidence needed to get beyond a friend relationship. Around girls, I simply can't bring myself to break the conventions of polite society, and thus I create a wall that forces me to be just friends with every girl I meet. Does anyone know of a way I could train myself to become more bold/confident?

 

[Rusty Bucket]

Grow a beard. If you already have one, make it bigger.

 

[TAGM]

Conventions of polite society? Not sure why that should stop you.

No, seriously - Last time I checked, the Conventions of polite society didn't include "DON'T ASK GIRLS OUT YOU SEX-CRAZED FUCKER." My advice? Think it over, think about who you want to be with - like, really really REALLY want to be with, and then go from there. Clear cut goals help, you know?

P.S. Second tip - for the love of god, do NOT take everything on this thread seriously. It'll only get you punched in the nuts, and that won't help a bit.

 

[Zer_]

It's a hell of a lot better to just ask the girl out, then to have to deal with all the pain of being stuck as the friend.

 

[dagens24]

Seriously though, I think your best bet would be to identify why you have low confidence and work on that. No one is going to love you until you love yourself. Also, booze. Knock booze all you want, it is liquid courage; this is a fact. Practice your pick up skills while playing wingman for a friend, that was their is no consequence to being shot down. It's a great way to practice picking up the ladies. Also, book stores are a great place to meet girls. It's easy to tell what their interests are and then strike up a conversation.

 

[BENZOOKA]

Try to get out of your own head. Having said that, people don't really think that much about what others do, so try to spend as little amount of time worrying about what people think of you.

Challenge yourself, little by little if you prefer that, to do things that you would like to do, but don't yet quite have the confidence for. That'll gain you some more confidence.

Most importantly: There is no easy way to suddenly get comfortably confident. You have to work for it. Embarrass yourself to know it isn't anything bad, then you can act like nothing makes you embarrassed. And that's pretty much what confidence is all about.

This might have been better suited for the Advice Forum [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/index/538-Advice-Forum].

 

[Thaluikhain]

There's no way you can make ladies like you. If they aren't interested in you that way, then they aren't interested. Then again, why would the people that want you as a friend be the people that'd want you as something more?

You can go for the whole lusty guy thing, if you want, but as a rule that flat out makes everything worse. Well, except in sitcoms, where some laughs might come out of it and you'll learn a life lesson about not doing that.

I'd also advise you to try not being hung up on being single. Society likes to pretend that everyone should meet their soulmate and live happily forever, but the real world does not work that way. What's wrong with "just" being friends with people?

 

[Fooz]

i dunna, most people will joke saying stuff like

Whip it out and tell her it tastes like candy.

your just gunna have to find a girl your comfortable with, then it should be a bit easier, not very helpful i know, but its all i got

p.s. that joke did make me laugh

 

[se7ensenses]

Women love a confident man but hate it when you act like an ass. So knowing where the thin red line lays between the two is key. Proper exercise, being fit can boost your confidence.(BEEFCAKE!) All women are looking for a good time/fun so make the most of your time. Being funny helps alot & chicks love a guy who can sing/dance/play guitar. If all else fails booze is also known as liquid courage lol.

 

[SimuLord]

Man up and grow a pair.

Pretty much. Confidence is sexy. Acting like a compliant little worm will just make you look limp and flaccid. And no woman likes a limp, flaccid man unless he's gay. Then he'll be her gay friend.

 

[DefunctTheory]

Man up and grow a pair.

Pretty much. Confidence is sexy. Acting like a compliant little worm will just make you look limp and flaccid. And no woman likes a limp, flaccid man unless he's gay. Then he'll be her gay friend.

Dear God, why do i find the word flaccid so humorous?

This is correct though. You have to employ the method known to the Army as 'Fake it until you make it.' Basically, fake confidence. ACT like you have confidence in yourself. YOu'll feel like your having a heart attack and worry about get caught for the shame your bravery is.

And then one day, you WILL be confident, just like that.

Its a pretty well known phenomena that the longer you pretend to be something, the more likely you are to become it. So just man up and pretend, until the day when you no longer have to.

 

[Volkov]

There is a big difference between confidence and rudeness. You don't have to be rude to come across as confident, but, in the eyes of immature 17-year olds, the two do look similar. As such, especially in the states, there is this false impression that people seem to have that you have to be a jackass to get a girl. You don't, especially not at your age. But it would have to be confident and engaging.

 

[ApeShapeDeity]

It doesn't really sound like you're romatically interested in these female friends of yours, anyway. I've never seen a woman swoon from 'I guess you'll do...'

It's not really as hard as you think. People of like interests tend to gather at similar places. So, go out and have some fun. If you meet an interesting woman who gets you a little hot under the collar, after you've spent some time with her, and listened to her, just ask her nicely if she'd mind giving you her number, so you can take her out sometime... It works.

 

[Daveman]

Most importantly: There is no easy way to suddenly get comfortably confident. You have to work for it. Embarrass yourself to know it isn't anything bad, then you can act like nothing makes you embarrassed. And that's pretty much what confidence is all about.

Well personally I agree with the first point there and nothing else. I've embarrassed myself tonnes of times and all that leads to is moments where you are walking down the street and you think of something embarrassing you've done and you just feel the sudden need to stop, put your face in your hands and groan.

The way I think confidence works is through other people (in my experience) complimenting you. It helps if you don't know them very well too. I always loved acting since I was a kid but I'd also been very introverted and shy. The best way I found with any acting role was to try to immerse yourself in character. Because then anything embarrassing you do do is the characters doing. Also when I did do my acting, the support of my teacher and my classmates, none of whom were in my friendship group, helped bring me out of my shell a lot and I'm the better person for it. It's sad when you can honestly say that Drama GCSE changed your life.

So there's my advice. Self-confidence doesn't come from yourself it comes from other people and there's no easy way to get that. However, you can appear more confident simply by "taking on a role" as I like to call it, which is really just a mind over matter thing to get over your fears. That's option 2 but now it's time for the EASY option. Get drunk. It just works. I don't need to justify it morally and yes you have a lot of facepalm moments like I said before but you will also get out of your shell a lot more and it is WAY easier to be forward with women.

Hope I've helped.

 

[Ladette]

Watch every Bruce Campbell movie ever made, then do things exactly as he does. You'll have hot chicks lining about to ravish you.

Or alternatively, do silly stupid things! Take your shirt off, dance on a table, tell a dead baby joke, fist pump, act a fool, do sit ups in your drive way! Acting out is a great way to get out of your shell.

 

[BENZOOKA]

Most importantly: There is no easy way to suddenly get comfortably confident. You have to work for it. Embarrass yourself to know it isn't anything bad, then you can act like nothing makes you embarrassed. And that's pretty much what confidence is all about.

Well personally I agree with the first point there and nothing else. I've embarrassed myself tonnes of times and all that leads to is moments where you are walking down the street and you think of something embarrassing you've done and you just feel the sudden need to stop, put your face in your hands and groan

It was more of a summary. The point was that it is the fear of "but what are people going to think about me", or embarrassment for short, that stops you from doing many things. So if you get yourself to do something normal that's social consequences concern you, you realize it isn't that bad: nothing bad happens, if someone laughs at you; ignore it or laugh with them and isn't bad. In some point you might just end up not caring what other people think, not the bad way, or actually you stop thinking what other people are going to think about you, and you can live your life as you please.

It was more of a that kind of "embarrass yourself and then stop giving a crap".

The way I think confidence works is through other people (in my experience) complimenting you. It helps if you don't know them very well too. I always loved acting since I was a kid but I'd also been very introverted and shy. The best way I found with any acting role was to try to immerse yourself in character. Because then anything embarrassing you do do is the characters doing. Also when I did do my acting, the support of my teacher and my classmates, none of whom were in my friendship group, helped bring me out of my shell a lot and I'm the better person for it. It's sad when you can honestly say that Drama GCSE changed your life.

I can see how that works for you, but some people can't act at all. And it's very true that other people's expressed compliments and other positive things play a major role in building confidence. The problem with being very dependent on how other people see you is: if one's not living in la-la-land, plenty of people in some point will treat you like your nothing, try out your toughness, or just be plain old mean so if you're very dependent on the content of appreciation from fellow people, you will as well get crushed by people who just don't feel like showing any love at all.

So there's my advice. Self-confidence doesn't come from yourself it comes from other people and there's no easy way to get that. However, you can appear more confident simply by "taking on a role" as I like to call it, which is really just a mind over matter thing to get over your fears. That's option 2 but now it's time for the EASY option. Get drunk. It just works. I don't need to justify it morally and yes you have a lot of facepalm moments like I said before but you will also get out of your shell a lot more and it is WAY easier to be forward with women.

Hope I've helped.

Yeah, hear you there as well: getting drunk really helps with these things. It's funny, because it's true.

 

[dragomort]

Since High School, I've been relatively good at making friends, but have never been able to start an actual relationship. Now I've been out of college for 3 years and have concluded that I lack the courage/confidence needed to get beyond a friend relationship. Around girls, I simply can't bring myself to break the conventions of polite society, and thus I create a wall that forces me to be just friends with every girl I meet. Does anyone know of a way I could train myself to become more bold/confident?

A few things here

Friendships are still relationships, I'll assume you mean to single out romantic relationships, but they still have the same root if you want them to be successful.

Polite society still has sex, you simply don't want to put yourself out there. That's more than understandable, but don't shield yourself from judgment like that if you are actually wanting to change. Assuming you can be friends with women you find attractive means you can interact in a normal fashion with them and get over any shyness, so I take it it's only a fear of rejection?

If you do wish to change it should be for yourself, not to 'pick up chicks'. If you want an actual relationship it will involve you accepting each other whether shy or outgoing. Assuming your social awkwardness is some crippling weakness is a bad thing as well, it's just part of who you are. If you want to change it then do so by all means, but if not then you can still find someone who can appreciate you- and they are out there, you just need to meet the right one. And assuming you have those previously mentioned women as friends, they should help you out on that whole score and set you up with a not-horrible friend. Make it happen!

Now, if you still wish to change or what-have-you find a goal and attain it (i.e. I want to be the next Justin Beiber - he is confident!), but if the goal is just to find a romantic relationship that matters you've got a lot more options than you can think of, just put one foot in front of the other and start walking-

You can start with old friends you wanted to go out with and didn't do so and taking them out if nothing else, you know them enough to see compatibility and can already talk to them easily and found them attractive. If they're all married they certainly have relatives/friends/acquaintances they can put the initial push in to get you set up on a date, even if it seems kind of lame sometimes jumping into the pool is best, and you've got a conversation starter and something in common right there to build off of. Then start looking at hobbies and everything else, as there's always some type of social club for things if you search it out and people working/going to do the same things as you do have something in common right there. And so on and so on, but I digress...

 

[Nickolai77]

How do you act around your male friends?

Just do that. Girls aren't all that different when you get down to it.

Well, most of the time anyway <.<

I don't really think that would work too well...

Think about it, male and female conversation is different. Male conversations typically revolve around technical interests, crude humour and have an element of competitiveness and/or camaraderie. Female conversation tends to be more people orientated and about sharing and describing experiences and opinions. I know i'm making massive generalisations here, but sometimes you have to- my argument is that male and female conversation is different. You don't talk to women like you do to men.

Plus- treating women like your friends will only get you in the friendzone...because that's how your treating her. I think really, sadly, you have to make the moves towards a romantic relationship because they expect you to.

**

I'm a lot like the OP, easily make friends with people- interestingly i actually tend to make friends easier with women than men. Making moves towards a romantic relationship however can be very difficult. Having the actual courage to ask a girl out is only half the battle. Hell, in my opinion it's finding the right time and place too which is also bloody hard.

I empathise a lot with you OP, but unfortunately you've got to be the one to ask them out. It's how the world works i'm afraid.

You have to be very lucky to find a girl who will do the work for you.