Gaming Couples Help

[Jinxzy]

My boyfriend and I are a gaming couple, but recently he's been losing his interests in video games. With Battlefield 3, Modern Warfare 3 and Assassin Creed Revelations around the corner, I'm noticing that he just doesn't want to play games at all. Yesterday he canceled his pre-order on Battlefield 3.

His reason for not wanting to play games as much, as he use to is because he doesn't have the same mind set as I do when we play together. He's all about winning, leader borders, and being the best. He makes every game he plays a competition. Which makes it hard for him to have people he can play with. He say's I don't understand because I'm a girl and playing with people. Even playing games for fun is easier for me then him. He says games aren't for fun unless if there single player. Which makes it hard for us to play anything together. Which in his mind makes it feel like we should give up video gaming forever. I, unfortunately disagree with him. I like to play my games after a long day of school and work.

So I got to thinking that maybe there's a way to chill his competitive side? Maybe even find someone or some community that he can join so he doesn't feel so out of place when playing, I just wanna try and bring back the fun in video games for him. Without the constant worrying of being the best.

 

[Palademon]

I don't understand why he would be losing interest. I don't understand why his mindset being different to yours makes him less interested in it. Surely someone of his mind set can't wait to be calling people noobs on the next big multiplayer games.

All I hear here from him is "I play multiplayer games to win, and only singleplayer for fun. So we should both abandon ever playing games again." Is this some problem that you two are always playing games and therefore can't spend time together?

Apart from that, his idea of you both stopping sounds selfish, and a guy who feels like he has to be the best whenever something involves other people, sounds like a total dick.

 

[3AM]

My motto: If the person you're with needs to be changed, they're not the person for you. Don't try to change him. And don't you change for him.

Do you have to play the same game together? Sure it sounds fun to do your hobby with your boyfriend, but you have very different playing styles and they don't mesh. My bf is a gamer like yours - very serious and competitive about his games. I'm not. I run around being silly and goofy. Some games we can play together, but most we cannot. Put your computers together side by side and each of you play the game you want to play the way you want to play it. You're still playing together with smooch breaks during health regens.

 

[Jinxzy]

I love to play the shooter games, but when we play together and we don't win a match his mood turns sour and he wants to quit. So we can't play games we can't win at cause it's not fun for him. We can never play on separate teams because if I win it's no longer fun.

He basically just wants to stop video games and just hang out, but there's only so many dinners, movies, ect.. that you can do before you get sick of it. Which is the point I'm at right now.

 

[LiberalSquirrel]

If he finds his fun in going through a campaign mode of a game, why don't you guys buy some good co-op games? Rather than trying to change his views on competitive multiplayer (hey, I get pretty competitive too, and it was only through playing with a lot of my IRL friends that toned me down), find some co-op games, so he can get that "single-player experience" while still playing multiplayer games.

Also...

He say's I don't understand because I'm a girl

Ugh. I hate when guys automatically generalize stuff like that. Girls are not all the same! (See previous parenthetical note where I admitted to being rather competitive in multiplayer games.)

But as an overall note, if he doesn't want to play games anymore... well, that's his choice, ultimately. The problem is that you seem to think that he doesn't want you to play video games, either, just because he no longer wants to play them. That, to me, is a little... controlling. Perhaps I'm misinterpreting. I certainly hope so.

 

[Princess Rose]

My boyfriend and I are a gaming couple, but recently he's been losing his interests in video games.

I just wanna try and bring back the fun in video games for him. Without the constant worrying of being the best.

I dunno, that's a tough one.

I really don't get the competitive thing. I hate competition with other players. Ugh. If I play multiplayer, I'm playing co-op.

My spouse and I are both gamers, but we mostly play single player games. Between PC, PS3, and PSP, we can usually arrange things so that we can play at the same time, although not the same game. When we do play together, it's usually either local co-op (rarer and rarer these days) or Rockband.

Anyway... um... can't he work out his competitiveness online? I'd think where would be plenty of people there for him to wreck.

 

[Trivea]

He say's I don't understand because I'm a girl

Wow. You lost me after that.

I broke up with my last boyfriend; multitude of reasons, but one was because he was constantly ragging on me for being "worse at video games" than he was, even though I can beat both Portal games faster than he can, I'm better at TF2, I taught him a trick to help with his encumbrance in Fallout 3 the first time I picked it up (i.e. carry someone's disembodied head around and put stuff in that)... hell, I'm even better at Pokemon than he is. But... example: I was playing Psychonauts for the first time ever, I fell off a platform, and he says, "You're not very good at platformers, are you?" Like he genuinely could not stand that there was a girl who might be more skilled at something than him.

It sounds to me like, whatever issues he's having, he's going to take it out on you (sorry for getting off on the tangent but that really gets under my fingernails). Really... I wouldn't try to play games together until he chills out, and sadly, you can't really make him - trying to will probably just get him defensive. If it's possible, maybe you two could just play co-op together until he's less competitive? That way, if he wants to try to do all the work, he can. Personally, I wouldn't try playing anything with him until he chills. Ten to one he'll find out he misses it and ask if you can start up again.

 

[Rusman]

I love to play the shooter games, but when we play together and we don't win a match his mood turns sour and he wants to quit. So we can't play games we can't win at cause it's not fun for him. We can never play on separate teams because if I win it's no longer fun.

He basically just wants to stop video games and just hang out, but there's only so many dinners, movies, ect.. that you can do before you get sick of it. Which is the point I'm at right now.

Sounds like you need to find another joint hobby... but his over-competitiveness may put a bit of downer on things like P&P RPGS and Table top gaming.
If you are not having fun with him then maybe you guys need to have a bit of a talk.

Also the fact he said you don't understand because you're a girl is MASSIVELY disrespectful.

 

[Jinxzy]

I love to play the shooter games, but when we play together and we don't win a match his mood turns sour and he wants to quit. So we can't play games we can't win at cause it's not fun for him. We can never play on separate teams because if I win it's no longer fun.

He basically just wants to stop video games and just hang out, but there's only so many dinners, movies, ect.. that you can do before you get sick of it. Which is the point I'm at right now.

Sounds like you need to find another joint hobby... but his over-competitiveness may put a bit of downer on things like P&P RPGS and Table top gaming.
If you are not having fun with him then maybe you guys need to have a bit of a talk.

Also the fact he said you don't understand because you're a girl is MASSIVELY disrespectful.

I've tried almost every different alternative to video games, well console games. He just doesn't want to even try or play them. He wont even play monopoly. He hates computer game, even tho I try to get to try a game on steam. I got left 4 dead on steam to maybe get him to try it. He tried it, shrugged, and then said it was better on the console.

 

[TheDarkestDerp]

I'm sorry love. My man and I get along really well on this point, playing plenty of co-op, Contra, Gatling Gears, Castle Crashers and hopefully some Guardian Heroes this evening. It sounds more like an issue on just your man's side though, than your issue as a couple. Sounds like some manner of insecurity thing, to be so competitive in even a game... More issues on the table than are being discussed. As it's been said, claiming you don't understand based on your sex is pretty disrespectful of who you are, not just the fact that you're his partner.

As to fixing this issue, it may just be a matter of time spent and developing more fond memories together in gaming. He may just come to miss you enjoying a hobby rather than him "being the best" and be a bit more amiable. When someone else is aloof, people tend to pursue them. Maybe he needs to try 'winning' you over instead of other people?

 

[The Rogue Wolf]

Your confusion at his over-competitiveness is not just a "girl thing". I'm much more into cooperative and team efforts than straight-out competition, and while I like letting my skills shine, I'm much more focused on working to help the team/group than padding my own stats. Unfortunately for your boyfriend, the "I can't have fun unless I'm pwning noobz" mindset is inherently self-destructive, just as you're seeing with him. When games become your personal proving ground, that leaches away the ability to enjoy any other aspect.

Trivea and Rusman may have the right of it- either look for other hobbies without a competitive aspect to them, or just game solo for a while until he sorts himself out. I'd recommend purely co-op games (Left 4 Dead, Killing Floor, Alien Swarm) but there's the likelyhood that he might focus on competitive exercises like having the highest kill count in the group, which would pretty much sabotage the exercise.

 

[Rusman]

I love to play the shooter games, but when we play together and we don't win a match his mood turns sour and he wants to quit. So we can't play games we can't win at cause it's not fun for him. We can never play on separate teams because if I win it's no longer fun.

He basically just wants to stop video games and just hang out, but there's only so many dinners, movies, ect.. that you can do before you get sick of it. Which is the point I'm at right now.

Sounds like you need to find another joint hobby... but his over-competitiveness may put a bit of downer on things like P&P RPGS and Table top gaming.
If you are not having fun with him then maybe you guys need to have a bit of a talk.

Also the fact he said you don't understand because you're a girl is MASSIVELY disrespectful.

I've tried almost every different alternative to video games, well console games. He just doesn't want to even try or play them. He wont even play monopoly. He hates computer game, even tho I try to get to try a game on steam. I got left 4 dead on steam to maybe get him to try it. He tried it, shrugged, and then said it was better on the console.

Hmmm, if he seems to be rejecting anything then the best thing maybe just sit down and have a good chat, let things out of your system and most of let him know about how you feel about everything. Once it's all out in the open you can work on either new fun stuff to do together or the kind shitty alternative... sorry not that great with advice but that's what I'd do.

 

[aegix drakan_v1legacy]

Ok, the second he said "you don't get it because you're a girl"......Yeah, that's a douche move on his part.

I won't say anything bad about the guy (aside from the above comment), but if he doesn't want to play games with you because his competitiveness gets in the way, let him simmer down and you go play games on your own. Eventually, he may want to come back to it. At which point, a co-op game might be in order. Whether it's borderlands or RE5 or whatever.

Oh, and if he doesn't want you gaming if he's not gaming...yeah, that's not right either.

PS: try sending this to the escapist's Love FAQ? Maybe they'll have a better answer?

Your confusion at his over-competitiveness is not just a "girl thing". I'm much more into cooperative and team efforts than straight-out competition, and while I like letting my skills shine, I'm much more focused on working to help the team/group than padding my own stats. Unfortunately for your boyfriend, the "I can't have fun unless I'm pwning noobz" mindset is inherently self-destructive, just as you're seeing with him. When games become your personal proving ground, that leaches away the ability to enjoy any other aspect.

I'm with this guy.

I'm a guy, and I am not a leader kind of person. I tend to work best in a support role, or as a secondary/flanking fighter, or as a DPS guy while other people handle the more important tasks. I'm not into competitive gameplay much at all.

In fact, the super-competitive mindset is kind of what killed gaming for a great friend of mine. He still plays games, and loves a challenge, but after striving to be amazing at MVC3 (and trust me, he's ridiculously good), and then getting owned by people (who have something like 500+ hours into the game) who demeaned him and mocked him whenever they won...He finally had enough, and outright GAVE me his Xbox and his games (although another factor for that was he felt they were distracting him too much from his engineering work). Nowadays, he only really plays DDR. Any other competitive games he plays are when he meets up with friends in person, and even then he gives us a fighting chance, because he knows that most of us aren't that competitive.

 

[Azure-Supernova]

So I got to thinking that maybe there's a way to chill his competitive side? Maybe even find someone or some community that he can join so he doesn't feel so out of place when playing, I just wanna try and bring back the fun in video games for him. Without the constant worrying of being the best.

Eh, I had this problem when I first started playing with the missus. I'm very competative and even during co-op I got frustrated when she played in a way which slowed her down. Borderlands changed that though, I think playing through it together was a good bonding experience. We picked weapons and skills that would help each other out and it was a matter of playing together or getting our asses kicked.

You really need to find a game that you can bond over, after that I stopped being so competative. Now I keep it to myself when she furstrates me. Left 4 Dead helped too! Now she loves playing with me, I'm not so 'inyourface competative' and I enjoy it too!