Gaming Dads, Help Me Please

[Hero in a half shell]

First of all I want to give you and advice. Do not try to have kids unless you are sure you have done everything else you wanted to do in your life. Even the simple things like having a trip overseas with your wife.

Taking this idea, if you're really not ready to have a child, how about maybe saying to your wife first if you could really enjoy our relationship together: Go on romantic trips, see the world, go camping: spend some time together away from the games consoles and have an agreed period of trying everything you've wanted to do as a couple and enjoy life with the one person you agreed to spend the rest of yours loving, and after that... tell her you'll consider it carefully again,

I'm no psychologist, and by no means take this as a valid diagnosis, but it may be that she is jealous of the hours of attention you give to videogames and editing Youtube videos. Give her more attention and show her that you really do love and care for her: Surprise her with flowers if she is romantic, chocolates if she's fat (just joking) Ask her what she wants to do. It may just be that she thinks she doesn't get enough of your attention, and thinks a baby could be a way of bringing you both closer together. (Again, I'm someone anonymous on the internet making an e-doctor prognosis about a situation I know nothing about, don't expect her to suddenly not want a baby because you took her to a restaurant, but seriously what harm could come from strengthening your relationship with your wife?)

I have a friend at work who has a young son, basically all of his spare time revolves first around making sure the kid is catered for, but he also really enjoys playing Assassins Creed 3 when he gets a spare hour or two.
Having a kid is a full time commitment. You won't be able to just sloth out at the couch 3 or 4 hours at a time whenever you want, the time you get to game will be shorter and less often, but that will be because there is a new hobby in your life, one you will hopefully enjoy nurturing more than your Youtube videos.

Just remember that you can always neglect your Xbox and come back to it whenever you want with no repercussions. The same cannot be said for your wife.

 

[IceStar100]

I'm going to give it to you as honestly as I can.

Don't do it if your not ready. In the end it will split you two apart. Names like honey and sweetie become ***** and dick. We stopped sleeping together in both senses of the word. I mean by the end I would not even take time off of work to pick her up from the hospital. I started taking contracts over seas no because of pay but because I wanted to be away from the banshee. I was working 15 hours a day 7 days a week.

All the couple stuff stopped. I went to the movies and dinner with friends family and just me and my kids. I had my own bedroom Dinner was quite as a morgue after closing time.

If this is not something you want with all your soul it will end badly. You have to want to be a father to be a good father. fatherhood is something that should never be forced on someone. Sounds like it's not something you want.

 

[Shdwrnr]

In my experience, I haven't met a single child that didn't take to video games when presented with them. Children take time and effort, yes, but they are not the burdensome time sinks that people make them out to be. The important issue is not whether you can still play video games and have children. The question is do you play video games for entertainment, for self actualization, for abnegation or escape, for inflation of self worth, or for some other reason that may or may not be psychologically healthy? A person can play video games as a means to escape reality and still be a fully functional individual just as a person can drink alcohol and be just fine, however, when stress is introduced it can be very compelling to dig deeper and deeper into that escapism hole.

I am not trying to call video games addictive, that is ridiculous. What I am saying is that you must be aware of what causes you to play video games. If your gaming is born not out of a desire to escape life, then life will not be harmed by your gaming. If you discover that your motivation to game is driven in any way by escapism or lack of self worth; you will find that compulsion much stronger when introduced to the stress of having a child. If you're not careful, it can swallow you and may wind up costing you everything.

tl:dr - be mindful of why games are important to you. You may discover that they're just masking the symptoms of other problems and those problems will get worse with kids.

 

[AD-Stu]

I'm going to avoid the other issues and just stick to the gaming time one:

My wife and I have a 10-month old baby and yes, the time you have available for gaming will definitely shrink. Before the baby I probably played a few hours most nights and more on weekends, now it's a few hours maybe two or three times a week, and usually getting that means playing late at night after mum and bub have gone to sleep. Part of the issue is that our baby doesn't sleep all that well but trust me, you can't bank on having a baby that sleeps well

You're also going to be tired as hell because that's just what having a baby does to you (try to remember that your partner will almost certainly have it worse, BTW).

 

[COMaestro]

As the father of a 20 month old child, yes, your gaming habits will be affected. You have to strike a delicate balance between raising a child, spending time with your wife and then any chores and hobbies you do. You can't neglect the child unless you just want to be a shitty father. Neglecting your wife creates resentment. Neglecting your chores leaves you without food or a messy house, unpaid bills, etc. Sadly hobbies is where the neglect is likely to happen, but if it gets neglected entirely, you are the one who begins to feel resentment.

I am the only one who is working in my household, and my wife understands this and does her best to allow me some gaming time every couple of days. This doesn't mean I need her permission, just that she'll wrangle our kid in order to let me game. Considering she is the one wrangling him while I'm at work, it's like she's putting in overtime at her job

The first few months won't affect your gaming too much, as the baby will sleep most of the time, and if breastfeeding, mommy is taking care of all the feedings. You should be there for her when she is doing this now and then, as it can be boring just sitting there feeding the baby for 30 minutes every 2-3 hours, but you don't need to be there every time. If bottle feeding, the baby will just lay there and suck on the bottle, which can be done on your lap while you play. Your performance will suffer a bit as you have to hold the bottle, but you can find a way to work it out. I did.

I would ignore the poster above who broke everything down into hours per week. Everyone is different and you can't generalize time that way. I typically only sleep 6 hours a night, so that would be 42 hours a week giving me 14 hours more per week than he said. My wife does nearly all the grocery shopping, so that's 2 more hours a week for me. I only work 40 hours a week as overtime is usually not permitted by my work, so there's 10 more hours. I could go on, but I believe my point has been made.

All this being said, I agree with everyone else in that if you do not feel ready for a child yet, then likely you should not have one. Admittedly, you are never going to be ready. No one is really ready for their first child, but you do the best you can. Still, you've barely been married for a year, even though you've been together for 4 years, the two of you should take some time to enjoy your marriage before inserting a child into your lives. It will greatly limit what you will be able to do in the future. Do some travelling, enjoy nights out together, etc. Once a child enters the picture it is a lot harder to do these things.

So definitely sit down and talk with your wife about what you want. Don't dismiss her concerns but try to make her understand that you want a little more time before making this permanent change to your life. Also, take a look at your gaming habits and make sure that they aren't overshadowing your time with her. It could be she is feeling lonely or neglected and wants a child to fill a void you are creating. Not saying that is the case, but it is a possibility. Making the effort to put her first a little more could help lessen her desire for a child for a little while.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

 

[Itchi_da_killa]

Ok gaming dads, I need some real help here.

I'm 24 years old and have barely been married a year (but I've been with my wife for about 4 years now) and my wife is pressuring me for children, hard.

I've tried to tell her I'm not ready and that I need a bit more time, but she won't let it go, so I'm coming here for a little more insight on the subject.

I am a very passionate gamer, particularly with Multiplayer FPS titles (Quake, Xonotic, TF2, CoD, Halo) and I am also producing videos for said games, so gaming takes up a large portion of my time. I'm worried that a child will force me to hang up the controller permanently, that I won't be able to explore my hobby any further. I'm a gamer. Thats who I am, and idk what will happen if I have to give that up.

So my question is: How has being a father affected your gaming life?

I don't want to sound selfish but I am legitimately worried about losing it completely, especially after I look at what happened to my brother, who works from 6AM to 6PM 6 days a week to support his family, he has no time for ANYTHING other than work and kids, not even for his wife. All I can think is how the hell this will interfere with what I do?

I know that I will lose some of it, but I'm wondering exactly how far it goes, is it possible to be a husband, provider, father and hardcore gamer all at once?

Thank you for your time.

Hello maybe I can help.
I thought the same thing when my son was born and then I had a daughter two years later. Five years after that I became a single father with the children living with me. Gaming slowed down a little but that's okay because I enjoy taking care of my kids more. My gaming is more fun and a lot more thrilling now. With time management and attention to priorities first ...gaming becomes an awesome reward for the end of the day (even if it is like 2-3hrs). On the major plus side your kids can game with you when they get older. My son and I have plowed through all the Lego games, Ratchet and Clank and Borderlands. He completed Arkham Asylum when he was seven and Arkham city soon after and many others. I bought my PS3 three years ago when PC gaming became too expensive and I have 15 platinum trophies as well as finishing my degree in Network Technology as well as a number of certificates. So it really is all about time management and eating semi healthy.

 

[Flatfrog]

I wasn't a particularly hardcore gamer before having kids - I tended to get a game from time to time and play it non-stop for a week, then not play for ages - so I'm possibly not the best example, but personally I'd say I've done more gaming since having kids than before. Of course, I'm in my 40s so I've been through a fair few game generations! My son is a keen gamer, although I'm fairly restrictive on what I'll let him play, and I've spent a fair amount of time with him and with my daughter on the Lego games, Portal, Mario etc.

But I'd also say that if this is a major consideration for you then this probably isn't the best time to have kids anyway. 'Will having kids eat into my gaming time' simply says 'I don't want kids yet' to me. The fact is, *any* metric will tell you you shouldn't have kids. They're expensive, time-consuming and emotionally exhausting. The only benefits to having them are the ones you can't measure - the joy of holding them, the pleasure of their voices, the sheer amazement of watching them grow up.

Having said that, I'd personally disagree with those who say you should do other things first. Up to a point, sure, but personally I think the idea time to have them is when you're young and fit enough to deal with it. I wouldn't want to have a baby now, I've got knackered knees and a bad back. Do it sooner rather than later. You will *never* have enough money so you might as well be poor while they're too young to notice.

And I have to ask - did you not have these conversations with your wife before you got married? It seems like something you ought to have discussed!

 

[gorfias]

Time management is the name of the game.

Exactly. I would advise looking for games that have something very rare: The ability to save at any time. Failing that, you want one with lots of check points.

24 is a little bit young, but not too young. This is the time to at least be talking about it. My own experience: you can have fun without ever having kids or even getting married. I know men hitting their 40s and they regret not having families.

Do it now or do it later, it is going to cost you time. Even mine in their teens interrupt me constantly (hence the need to save immediately is very important).

Best of luck no matter what you choose to do.

 

[Archangel768]

Well I guess it depends on what your financial situation is but my brother in law plays TONS of games and has two kids. He has a job as a teacher which is good since he gets off work at 3 but even before when he was at uni and working retail he'd still manage to find time for games and his kids so I wouldn't worry at all about having to give gaming up because you won't.

 

[krazykidd]

The simple answer is that you can't. If you really think gaming is that important, perhaps is not time for you start a family. There is just no way that you can have it all. You need to think about your priorities and if gaming is more important than your wife's happiness then perhaps your relationship isn't all that it is supposed to be. It may be the reason why you wife is pressuring you into having a baby because she thinks that it will focus you more on the relationship.

If you decide to become a Father gaming is going to become one of those things that you can fit in now and then, for the next 10 years or so. It becomes easier when they get older because gaming is a way of spending time with your kids and you won't be buying the games for yourself but for the kids. Its easier to get the Mrs not to complain about the money that way.

Woah , woah . That's harsh . If gaming is more important than his wifes happiness? Starting a family is no small matter . If he isn't ready then He shouldn't be pressured into it . That has nothing to do with the happiness of his wife . It may seem silly to some to choose video games over having a child , but if that's his main hobby is no lesser than saying he has to give up a major part of who he is just to have a child . I wonder if your opinion would be the same regardless what hobby he had .

OT: Other than discussing the fact that you don't want to have a child right now there is not much you can do . Having a kid will affect any persons hobby , regardless of what it is . A baby is work , for both parents . It will heavily cut into you time . Less so if you have a high paying job ( so no need for 6am-6pm ) but it will still take a hit . So discuss the possibility of havig a child later with your wife . And for the love of god don't tell her it's because of gaming . Gamig is still a young hobby that people still perceive as childish.

 

[Albino Boo]

The simple answer is that you can't. If you really think gaming is that important, perhaps is not time for you start a family. There is just no way that you can have it all. You need to think about your priorities and if gaming is more important than your wife's happiness then perhaps your relationship isn't all that it is supposed to be. It may be the reason why you wife is pressuring you into having a baby because she thinks that it will focus you more on the relationship.

If you decide to become a Father gaming is going to become one of those things that you can fit in now and then, for the next 10 years or so. It becomes easier when they get older because gaming is a way of spending time with your kids and you won't be buying the games for yourself but for the kids. Its easier to get the Mrs not to complain about the money that way.

Woah , woah . That's harsh . If gaming is more important than his wifes happiness? Starting a family is no small matter . If he isn't ready then He shouldn't be pressured into it . That has nothing to do with the happiness of his wife . It may seem silly to some to choose video games over having a child , but if that's his main hobby is no lesser than saying he has to give up a major part of who he is just to have a child . I wonder if your opinion would be the same regardless what hobby he had .

In this case the wife clearly wants a baby, and the guy is worrying about if cuts the free time to do his hobby. I don't damn well care its skydiving or fishing, if you are putting the time available to do your hobby ahead of the happiness of the person you love then there is an issue. The definition of a hobby is something that done in spare time for your own pleasure. So if you are putting you hobby first you are putting your own pleasure first and that is not being a good husband.

 

[purf]

As for the bigger picture here, with 24 I didn't think about having children - or getting married for that matter. I was way older when my girlfriend and I decided to not necessarily become parents (OMG right now!), but to... let nature do its thing. And to me your post reads like you maybe indeed could need some more time as getting a child is, let's not kid anyone, a freaking life changer.

As for gaming, this here describes it quite nicely:

[...] an epic single player RPG, where you're not even properly engaged until you've been playing for about a half an hour, and I mean in any given session, not just the first time you boot it up.
[...]

Yeah. Getting myself lost in, say, Tamriel has become a mere idea. And this, right here, was the biggest impact on my gaming habits when my daughter was born a little more than 2 years ago. Other than that? No big change, really. Although, there will be times where games without a pause button are outright impossible. Fact.

.. thing is: fuck it. When I turn around right now, I see my daughter trying out jumping. She doesn't quite manage to lift both feet at the same time but she looks like she has the time of her life. Again. And so do I.

 

[krazykidd]

The simple answer is that you can't. If you really think gaming is that important, perhaps is not time for you start a family. There is just no way that you can have it all. You need to think about your priorities and if gaming is more important than your wife's happiness then perhaps your relationship isn't all that it is supposed to be. It may be the reason why you wife is pressuring you into having a baby because she thinks that it will focus you more on the relationship.

If you decide to become a Father gaming is going to become one of those things that you can fit in now and then, for the next 10 years or so. It becomes easier when they get older because gaming is a way of spending time with your kids and you won't be buying the games for yourself but for the kids. Its easier to get the Mrs not to complain about the money that way.

Woah , woah . That's harsh . If gaming is more important than his wifes happiness? Starting a family is no small matter . If he isn't ready then He shouldn't be pressured into it . That has nothing to do with the happiness of his wife . It may seem silly to some to choose video games over having a child , but if that's his main hobby is no lesser than saying he has to give up a major part of who he is just to have a child . I wonder if your opinion would be the same regardless what hobby he had .

In this case the wife clearly wants a baby, and the guy is worrying about if cuts the free time to do his hobby. I don't damn well care its skydiving or fishing, if you are putting the time available to do your hobby ahead of the happiness of the person you love then there is an issue. The definition of a hobby is something that done in spare time for your own pleasure. So if you are putting you hobby first you are putting your own pleasure first and that is not being a good husband.

Couldn't the same be said for the opposite? That his wife is putting her happiness before his in wanting ( and pressuring ) to have a baby when he clearly isn't ready ? But i am glad the you said that his hobby is irrelevant . However , as it appears , the problem isn't that he is puttig videogames before his wife ( as far as i understand it ), but that he doesn't want a baby because a) he isn't ready and b) he doesn't want to lose his "free time " which is independant of his wife .

Anyways , i'm not married , so i can't really comment about how marriages work . But i assume compromise is pretty high up on the list .

 

[gamernerdtg2]

The fact that you're even writing this suggests that you would be a good father. Sometimes you're not the one making all the money, so you can give your time.

You aren't your brother. It's not really fair to compare his life to yours. Some people feel that working 6 to 6 is how to make it work for their family. I don't know your situation. It's not only about money, it's about being there.

As to gaming - it's not going away anytime soon. There will be moments where you can game, just not as long or as frequently as you'd like. It really depends on the situation you're in (what kind of baby you have, your wife's temperament, money, and so on. You're not always going to be spending time with the baby. You have to hang with your wife. She's going to be EXAUSTED, and so are you!

I say that you should continue to hash this out with your wife. If you've got a good woman, she'll be cool with your gaming as long as she knows that your family comes first. If gaming is important to you, you'll make everything work. Just be sure that wife and kid come first.

Again, the fact that you've written this is telling me that you'd be a good father. We need more of those today.

 

[gamernerdtg2]

As an addendum - If I had to choose, I'd rather be a good father than a good gamer. Great thread by the way.

 

[Callate]

I'm sorry to confirm your fears, but- yeah. You won't have as much time to be a gamer. Not if you're going to be a good father.

On the other hand, introducing your child to gaming can be a kind of joy in and of itself. It can really make you look at games in a whole new way- your child will have entirely different cornerstones for their understanding of what gaming means.

Becoming a parent really changed my whole understanding of time. You might notice yourself changing in small ways as you grow older, you might notice your spouse changing in small ways. But a child- oh, my God. Every cliche about how quickly childhood passes is true. And you'll want to be there for it. And that may mean giving up some other things.

But the flipside of that is that time just feels like it moves faster as you grow older, period. It amazes me how when I was ten, eleven, twelve- thirty minutes seemed like all the time in the world. In thirty minutes at a mall, I could visit a book store, play an arcade game, check out the movie posters, browse a display case of interesting knicknacks, buy a soda... Now anything worth doing takes at least an hour, and an hour can pass in the blink of an eye.

But because I have a daughter, and I can watch her grow and change, and know I had a part in that, the time is worthwhile. It isn't lost- it went into something real.

I still love video games, though I'm less tolerant of grinding, repetition, and filler. I've said before and I'll say again that parenting isn't for everyone- I won't lie to you about that. Sometimes it's damn hard. Fuck Peace Corps- parenting is "the toughest job you'll ever love." But I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world, and certainly not for a few more hours to play video games. My achievements aren't going to mean shit in twenty years.