Gay guy needs yer help.

[Valksy]

First off, I'm sorry your having a rough time mate. I understand what it is like to feel conflicted about living in secret or not and you want to be true to yourself (and yes, at 14 he is quite old enough to know).

Your first thought has to be towards your own personal safety. At age 14 your folks are still legally responsible for you and probably cannot force you from your home. If I was you I would begin by having a quick google to find any email/phone number for GLBTQ advocates in your country to make sure that you understand where you stand and what your rights might be. I don't know the info myself and I think that you should have a conversation with people who know what you are going through and can give you good and appropriate information practically and legally.

You say that you don't get on with your dad? How about your Mum? Are your folks still together? Can you steer the subject on to GLBTQ issues and try to get a feel for what she thinks if you don't know already.

I am sure that it is hard for you to deal with your mates at school too. Any idea of how out GLBTQ people are treated there? Again, stay safe. Getting your future life fucked up because some bloody school won't take care of bullying properly would be a terrible thing.

And I know that it is hard - I always told myself that if asked, I would never deny myself. I've managed to be true to that for 20 years or so now. But it can scare the shit out of you and if you really are not sure, then think carefully about what the ramifications would be if you were open. You don't have to be a hero for a cause and you don't have to put a bull's eye on yourself. You need to make the best of education/life now.

My gut instinct is to suggest that you play it quiet and close to your chest for a little while longer and use whatever domestic resources you have - I am sure that there is both gay advocacy and youth advocacy. Having someone you can talk to will make it easier.

And, in the words of The Trevor Project - It does get better. Really. It does. Sometimes it is hard but the tough times will pass. If you have to wait until you are away from home and in control of your life, that is OK too. You aren't being a bad guy by looking after yourself.

 

[SadisticPretzel]

All I can really offer is this: Come out to Aunt and Uncle first, if you haven't already. That way, if/when shit hits the fan with Mom and Dad, they'll know what's happening. It being a huge surprise to them as it happens would not work in your favor, and I bet they'd appreciate my route more.

Further, they might be able to help you with the conversation with your parents, especially if they happen to be Dad's brother/sister.

Obligatory "my experience" story: I didn't really feel a need to come out to my grandparents. They just found out when I got into a long-term relationship with another girl. At first, they blew it off as "a stage," and me "rebelling." At that point, they took the "ignore it and it will go away" approach to dealing with my lifestyle. They figured when I got serious with the guy who fathered my son, I'd grown out of it.

Then we put the baby up for adoption and never spoke again. Blew that idea out of the water.

10 years and several relationships on, I'm still Bisexual. I imagine they came to terms with it at some point. I've fallen out of favor with my family, but when we do speak, it doesn't come up.

 

[A Weary Exile]

If you and your dad do not like each other why should his opinion matter? If you and your mother get along I don't think you should keep it a secret from her any longer, have a private talk with her and say what needs to be said. If she's fine with it that's great, if she isn't that's too bad. If you think they may kick you out because of your homosexuality then I'd keep it secret until you have the means to provide for yourself, moral conundrums take a back seat to basic survival.

I apologize if this advice isn't very good, I tend to have a very detached attitude towards family ties, for instance I never understood how someone could "Love" their family members, but not like them, it's none or both with me. If this doesn't sound like you I would not take my advice.

 

[Terminal Blue]

Wow.. tough situation..

The soap opera solution would be to just be honest, stand your ground and eventually people will have to accept you for what you are. But that's not really true. This might be something you and your dad never get over for the rest of your lives, and while that would be tragic so would compromising such a big part of your life.

Also, at 14 you're going to encounter a lot of extra hostility from people who think you're too young to make those kind of decisions. I started seriously thinking about guys when I was a year or two older than you are now, so while you're precocious I get where you're coming from. But if your parents want you to be straight they might bring themselves to the conclusion that you're rebelling against them or seeking attention, which ironically might make them act more harshly to try and shake you out of it.

Bear in mind this is just my opinion, but I think coming out at your age might be more trouble than it's worth. You know yourself and your sexuality better than most people at your age can even aspire to, and that alone will make it very hard for them to understand. Ultimately, the acceptance of others is just a poor substitute for accepting yourself. You need to ask yourself why it's such an urgent thing to have these other people know. It's not like it would change anything, except maybe losing you some friends. Assuming your friends are your age, you can't expect them to be tolerant either because they're still going to be pretty insecure in their own sexualities.

It will come up naturally when you start seeing guys, and that might well be the time when it needs to come out, but for now I'd focus on growing comfortable with yourself before looking for acceptance from others. It might seem cowardly, but just remember, this is the hardest point. From now on, it will only get easier and easier to be accepted. You could probably do without the hassle of having to deal with a homophobic father right now.

 

[Legion IV]

Only thing i can really say is this. Why do you have to? Is there a guy you wanna ask out? intrested in somone? already have a secreat bf? If not why do you need to tell. Unless your with somone i always thought, why do i need to tell somone about my sexuality. I dont see the point. I dont think i've ever in my 18 years of living flat out said "Am straight guys" For all they know i could be Bi i do like to comment on how if a guy is looking good cause as my friend says "Even a straight man can apperciate another mans looks".

Am sure i'll get flamed but what i say is pretty true.

 

[Vryyk]

I would not mention it, especially at fourteen. :| I would keep it to myself. You can let your close friends know, but I'm not entirely understanding what is compelling you to tell your parents.

They don't need to know. I would go so far as to say most people (Aside from those within circles with members you intend to sleep with) should not know.

Then again, my parents personally tried to make me confess to being gay, saying they would be fine with it. They did this for weeks, several times a week, asking me if I was gay and assuring they would be supportive. When I rejected them enough times, they finally spilt the beans and said had I said "Yes", they would disown me and kick me out. So yeah, not telling them anything about my sexuality any time soon.

Holy shit that's fucked up. I don't want to say anything bad about people I don't know... But that's just vindictive as hell on their parts.

 

[lolelemental]

My gut feeling: keep it secret, particularly from your family.

1) You don't know how your parents will react, but it sounds like they will react poorly. You are currently at the mercy of their whims. If they screw your life over because they can't deal with it, well, there's very little you can do about it.
2) Your friends can communicate with your parents and each other. If you tell a friend and they take it badly, they might tell your parents out of spite or whatever. And once one friend-who-turns-out-not-to-be-a-real-friend knows, rest assured everyone else will know too.
3) You said it yourself: being gay is not a big deal. If it's not a big deal, why do you feel the need to tell everyone? They don't need to know. Basically, what I'm saying is that if you treat it as a big deal then you'll turn it into one. Better bet is to make your peace with it and just carry on with your life.

I'm not saying don't ever be out and proud. But I think you should probably wait for a better time. A time when you're not at school and dependent on your parents. I'm not sure if all that made any sense. I've never done the whole "coming out" thing myself, so I'm just going on my instincts here. Good luck in any case.

Sorry about the wall-of-text

Wrong.

When I came out and told my Dad that I was Bisexual, he basically said to me, "I suspected as much for a long time" And From what I read in the same paragraph, your dad and my dad sound very much alike. I THOUGHT he was homophobic because he avoided talking about it, but I've now come to realise that it wasn't actually that, He more just didn't want to think about possibilities and outcomes.

Trust me. You just have to find the right moment.
It's hard yes, but it will truly make you feel a whole lot better about yourself and your situation. Before I told my Dad, I was wallowing in depression and self=pity every day. Now I'm an out and reasonably proud yet discrete Bisexual.

 

[LuckyClover95]

Don't you ever hang out with your friends outside of school? You could do it then. Over IM would be ok, because its easier to tell people stuff through a computer screen where you can plan what to say. However, I wouldn't apply that to most situations like asking people out or something.
With your parents that's difficult. Weigh up what you could do:
Option 1: Wait until you're older, 16 or almost 16, so if your dad is horrible and homophobic to you at least it's not long until you move out.
Option 2: If this is really weighing you down, then just do it like ripping off a plaster (or if you're American, band-aid as I believe you call it) wait until everyone's together and quiet and say "I've got to tell you now, I hope you can accept it but I'm gay" or something like that, then just go to your room and wait for them to come to you? Yeah, if it's weighing you down then do that, get it over with and it won't bug you any more, but it could make your living situation uncomfortable.
Also, if your dad tries to change the subject all the time, maybe he already knows?
Good luck! I wish you much luck, and I will pray for you and I hope everything goes as well as it can. Message me what you, I'd like to know how you go about this

 

[LuckyClover95]

All I can really offer is this: Come out to Aunt and Uncle first, if you haven't already. That way, if/when shit hits the fan with Mom and Dad, they'll know what's happening. It being a huge surprise to them as it happens would not work in your favor, and I bet they'd appreciate my route more.

Further, they might be able to help you with the conversation with your parents, especially if they happen to be Dad's brother/sister.

Obligatory "my experience" story: I didn't really feel a need to come out to my grandparents. They just found out when I got into a long-term relationship with another girl. At first, they blew it off as "a stage," and me "rebelling." At that point, they took the "ignore it and it will go away" approach to dealing with my lifestyle. They figured when I got serious with the guy who fathered my son, I'd grown out of it.

Then we put the baby up for adoption and never spoke again. Blew that idea out of the water.

10 years and several relationships on, I'm still Bisexual. I imagine they came to terms with it at some point. I've fallen out of favor with my family, but when we do speak, it doesn't come up.

Haha, my nan was watching deal or no deal and this lesbian was on there and her girlfriend was in the audience, my nan said "It's a shame, a nice man could have had her" I argued that her girlfriend loves her just as much as any man would but my nan wouldn't give up on the idea that she was so pretty that she should be with a nice man. I was a bit like what the fuck but I tend to forgive old people for their homophobia and slight racism, I shouldn't but they were raised like that XD I don't label sexuality but I would say technically I'm bisexual, so I hope if I'm ever in a relationship with a girl she'll be nice about it but the thing is she just think's its strange. Don't know why I'm telling you this, you talking about your homophobic grandparents just reminded me of it

 

[yellingatpixels]

So, I finally decided to make this thread. I'll probably sound straaaange at times, but it's 20 past 11 as I'm writing this, can you blame me? .-.

So yeah, I'm gay. My brother knows, a couple of my friends know. My parents and most of my friends, don't know. The trouble is, having them not know is giving me this really core-deep crampy feeling, I can literally feel the weight in my stomach. It's horrible. I've gone into a smallish depression from it, and I'm only 14 and know that now is a pretty bad time to come out to my parents (what with my dad travelling all over the island with work and stufs, and my mum being at work for half of every day), and now that the school year's over I can only tell my friends at the end-o-year party coming up or over IM. I still really want to come out to everyone regardless... pff, there's one other problem. From what I've deducted, my dad's homophobic. How homophobic, I don't know, but it seems pretty bad. When we've had guests or family over for dinner and homosexuality comes up in the conversation (at this point i obviously get really interested but uncomfortable :S), he tends to change the subject. He doesn't ever mention it either, but it's clear that he and I are really... pff, against each other, I suppose. Not sure how to say it, but basically I've got a strong dislike for him and he does for me too.

Sorry about the wall-of-text, I'm not good with these. If anyone's got some ideas of what to do with any of these situations, please tell me. I'm in a pinch here :/

is it possible your Dad knows and just doesn't know how to deal? Changes the subject cause he thinks you are uncomfortable or something?

I dunno. If my baby boy brought home a guy over the holidays I would be agast:

I mean how do I FEED TWO GROWING BOYS?! I would need to buy another turkey and all that.

srsly though: I could never imagine hating my son for who he falls in love with.

There are better resources though: LGBT groups in your city will have better advice

 

[superbatranger]

Well, when my older stepbrother came out a few months ago, he did it because he felt like he was hiding from himself. He told everyone he didn't give a damn what anyone thought of his sexuality because in the end he was proud of who he was.

 

[BonsaiK]

So, I finally decided to make this thread. I'll probably sound straaaange at times, but it's 20 past 11 as I'm writing this, can you blame me? .-.

So yeah, I'm gay. My brother knows, a couple of my friends know. My parents and most of my friends, don't know. The trouble is, having them not know is giving me this really core-deep crampy feeling, I can literally feel the weight in my stomach. It's horrible. I've gone into a smallish depression from it, and I'm only 14 and know that now is a pretty bad time to come out to my parents (what with my dad travelling all over the island with work and stufs, and my mum being at work for half of every day), and now that the school year's over I can only tell my friends at the end-o-year party coming up or over IM. I still really want to come out to everyone regardless... pff, there's one other problem. From what I've deducted, my dad's homophobic. How homophobic, I don't know, but it seems pretty bad. When we've had guests or family over for dinner and homosexuality comes up in the conversation (at this point i obviously get really interested but uncomfortable :S), he tends to change the subject. He doesn't ever mention it either, but it's clear that he and I are really... pff, against each other, I suppose. Not sure how to say it, but basically I've got a strong dislike for him and he does for me too.

Sorry about the wall-of-text, I'm not good with these. If anyone's got some ideas of what to do with any of these situations, please tell me. I'm in a pinch here :/

I think your Dad already knows or at least suspects that you're gay and is having a bit of a hard time dealing with it for whatever reason. He doesn't like you much anyway so I don't see what you've got to lose by telling him and everyone else that you're gay. Worst case scenario he might kick you out of home or something but at 14 I don't think he can legally do that, and even if he could he'd be doing you a favour in some ways. Just be straightforward about it, don't wave it around like a big flag but don't be meek or apologise for it either. Everyone will just have to deal.