Getting back into dating: where to begin?

[Tsukuyomi]

So, I've seen solid advice dispensed here in the past, and even had some given to me. As much as I'd rather not burden you all with yet another query my mind's going in circles and I'm just not coming up with anything soooo...yeah. Help!

It's been more than a year since my ex broke up with me. She's since found a boyfriend and is quite happy, and I'm happy for them. I've moved past the stage where I might have been jealous and am actually genuinely happy for them. She's a wonderful person and she deserves to be happy. I figure the reason she broke up with me is because there was something in our relationship I failed to provide that I should have, so if she's found what was missing with someone else that can only be a good thing.

My thing is...I'm...really missing having someone myself. Especially with this time of year, I find myself missing having to curl up with when it gets cold and just relax. I miss having someone who smiles when they see me and actually wants to be around me. I miss random hugs and hand-holding, and being leaned on because why not? (I'd say I missed getting laid but I never got that so can't really miss what I've never had.)

My problem is I'm not sure where to even begin here. I'm back in college to try and improve my life but I've spent quite some time just working, living with the folks (as my job refuses to pay me a wage that I can live on my own with), and doing what I enjoy: playing games, watching movies, being a nerd. Explaining what I've done with myself for almost a decade and not having much to show for it is a shameful concept. I'm working to improve my situation but still, gonna be awkward I guess.

The same can be said for my physical state. I've got a lot of things I need to do with it (mostly going to the gym), but nature has never intended me to be a skinny guy. That I'm resigned to, but I'm worried that it's likely not a point in my favor for most women.

A larger negative point is that...well...I'm a nerd, I'm a geek. I'm posting this here for chrissakes. I'd like to find someone who at least shares some of my interests as I'm tired of being looked at like I'm weird or a loser because of what I like to do when I'm not working or at school. I get enough of that from others, I'd like a bit less of it from a girlfriend. Not saying she has to be 110% nerd but...well, I think you guys get it.

I guess I've just got a lot of things I'm unsure about, but I'd like to get back into dating. Any thoughts on where or how to start?

 

[manic_depressive13]

You could try joining a gaming or film society if your college has them. You should be able to meet plenty of women with similar interests there. Alternatively you could try online dating.

Personally though I find actively looking for someone to date exhausting and disappointing. Just get out there, be yourself, make friends, and if someone comes along who you get along with really well, ask them out. There are plenty of nerdy women who don't mind a bit of extra weight on a guy, or even find it endearing. Just be patient and don't stress. You might not find someone right away, but that doesn't mean you won't find anyone ever.

 

[Jux]

I can tell you what I did, and some of the mistakes I've made along the way, maybe that will help. I don't know about your personality, but I'm generally go-with-the-flow, up until the point there is something I want to do, then its full throttle, go go go. If this isn't you, then that's awesome, because dating will be frustrating as hell if you are. I recently joined OKCupid, because online dating is my only real recourse. I work full time in an industry with no women (at this location), and I would sooner put my faith in a banana to give me eternal salvation than trust my friends to set me up. Most of my hobbies are solo activities and picking up women at bars sucks around here.

First thing you need to answer yourself is your motivation for dating, which you seem to have already done. How long do you want your next relationship to last? It's perfectly ok to not want your next relationship to be 'the one' if you're not looking for that, or ready for that. Just remember to be honest about your intentions.

Second I'd say look at the pitfalls of your last relationships. Is there a pattern? You don't seem too happy with your body. This is gonna hurt you, but not in the way you think. Yea, your body type might not be what some ladies are looking for, but the insecurity over your body image is going to be a turn off for pretty much all women. I would say that you need to a) work towards a physical goal and b) learn to love yourself.

I'll come back and add more later, gotta take care of some things.

 

[renegade7]

Well, first you're going to need to get out more. There is nothing wrong with playing video games and watching movies but alas we live in a cruel, unforgiving world and it's just not a great way to meet women.

First, what I would recommend is getting a productive hobby. That is to say, something like writing or art or outdoors stuff (hiking, gardening, cycling, sports, etc). A hobby adds a depth of character that women find very attractive and people in general like. It can be anything you like, no matter how unique or even a little weird (as long as it's like "good" weird like raising carrier pigeons or something like that and not like photographing traffic accidents). I started reading at the library, doing math for fun, doing projects from Instructables, gardening, amateur astronomy, bicycling, taking classes on Coursera, and I started playing the violin and relearned the piano. It took a long time and some money and there were occasional headaches but a productive hobby is an investment in your character that you won't regret making, and you might even gain some career relevant skills or knowledge.

The reason I might recommend an outdoors hobby in particular is that it will help you greatly to get in shape. There are plenty of other guides online to help you with this. But you're never going to be happy with a relationship if you're not comfortable in your own skin, and if you're not happy with your body you really should make some changes.

Also, a hobby will keep your mind busy and leave you with less idle time to lament your singleness, so you'll be happier overall.

Finally, remember: there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single. Learn to enjoy your life and stop stressing about it, and everything will fall into place on its own.

 

[The Stonker 2.0]

Stop thinking about dating so much and just live yer life, you'll find someone to talk to.

 

[Kuilui]

Sounds like you have some personal issues you should work on before you get back into dating because with the mindset your in it may not workout anyway. Girls can smell desperation on you and it is not an attractive trait. My advice is to work on the things you listed here and put girls on the backburner for awhile.

You have a job that pays you terribly. Look for a better one or try to start a small business or heck if you have a public job just chat up customers with a smile on your face. I work at a supermarket deli and me and my co workers get really good job offers all the time. I'm actually waiting right now to see a customer that pretty much guaranteed me a really good job just because she liked my personality and the way I spoke.


" Explaining what I've done with myself for almost a decade and not having much to show for it is a shameful concept."
There is a song I'm quite fond of that has a line that goes "Your a self fulfilling prophecy!". Your hobbies are like a lot of peoples on here. Movies, games, etc but this seems to be something you look at with a negative connotation. My advice is to pick up a new hobby. Take up some easy form of martial arts, take a cooking class, join a something that isn't in your comfort zone. It's hard and scary I know but the only way we grow as people is to rip ourselves out of the comfort zone. The rewards though can be amazing. Once you join a new group and start making some new friends who knows what could happen!

You mention your physical issues. Now most people (Im one of them) who want to put on some weight and stop being a thinner no muscle fellow or are heavier and want to get into better shape typically talk about the gym. Usually this is a thought that is filled with dread and uneasiness. Due to whatever paranoid evil thoughts about the gym run through your head(They'll all judge me!!!). I'd recommend personally getting a pullup bar that fits on doorframes. Get some free weights and look up exercise techniques online. Start going on runs, get some excercise tapes. Maybe learn how to cook some healthy meals that taste good to(Internet is your friend!). Even if your not "The skinny type" that's really irrelevant. A ton of people aren't that and nobody is expecting it. Just work with what you got and make yourself the best you and a confident swagger is more attractive than any 6 pack I've noticed. I see dudes that are way less attractive than the girls they are with. why? because they act like they own the world and nothing can stop them.

Once you start to repair yourself and throw yourself into self improvement and new hobbies that's when girls will start to show up. You'll be happier, more confident(Very important), and you'll have more to talk about/do with a potential love interest aside from talking about your love of your nerdier habits. My advice is to work on yourself before going after someone, for now.

 

[MasochisticAvenger]

It sounds to me what you're actually wanting is the vague notion of a girlfriend, rather than an actual physical person. Too often I see people saying things like "I want a girlfriend", and personally I find that to be a very misguided thought. If you want a partner just for the sake of having a partner, you are going about it the wrong way. There should be a specific person in mind, and you should want to be with them because you want to make them happy. If you want a relationship just to make yourself happy, you're doomed to failure. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you shouldn't want companionship, someone to cuddle with, and all those other nice things that come with a relationship. However, if that's all you want out of a relationship, you might as well get a dog. You can curl up with a dog when it's cold, the dog will always smile at you and just adore you when you're around, and it will randomly hug and lean on you all the time.

Stop living in the past and focus on the here and now. The stigma around people who are "geeks" has mostly disappeared, kept alive only by people who are afraid to admit it because now they have to act like real people. I mean I get it: we've all been shunned by people for so long, it is extremely difficult to suddenly live in a world where we are accepted, so it's easier just to pretend our hobby automatically puts us on the outside. However, those days are behind us; the line between geek culture and mainstream culture is getting smaller and smaller every day. Just look at comic books: some of the biggest recent blockbusters have been movies based around them. Video games are becoming more popular every day, thanks to the boom in gamers due to the casual scene. I'm not saying every one you meet is going to be a massive gamer, but a lot of them will have played some sort of video game on their mobile device or social media outlet.

We are no longer stigmatised for being geeks (for the most part, I'm not saying it never happens anymore. It's just a lot rarer than it used to be). The problem is for a lot of us, myself included, anime, video games, comics, etc... are all we know. It doesn't matter what you are into; if you're only into one or two things to the exclusion of absolutely everything else, you are a boring person. That isn't exclusive to "geek hobbies" by any stretch of the imagination. If you knew everything there is to know about sports, and knew very little about anything else, people would quickly become bored of talking with you. There are very few people who would want to talk about one topic all the time.

It comes down to what you said in your post: you feel you have nothing to show for the last ten years. The answer to that is obvious: find things that make you interesting. Try some new hobbies and see what fits. You probably won't find something straight away, but the experiences you gain from trying will be invaluable. If nothing else, you'll find new ways to eat up your time during the day, so you'll have less time to feel lonely.

There is a huge difference between looking good, and being healthy. Unless you're willing to go under the knife (note: do not do this. If you are desperate enough to get a partner, you feel the need to alter your appearance through cosmetic surgery, seek help immediately. It is not worth it), there isn't much you can do about your appearance. Fortunately, there is a lot you can do. Exercise more: you may not grow a six-pack or get rock-hard abs, but you will look better and more importantly you will feel better. Shower regularly, shave, keep your hair neat, dress nice, etc...

No matter how good you look, it's not going to mean much if you don't feel good about yourself on the inside. Work on making you feel better about yourself. If you need someone else to make you happy, you're never going to be truly happy. Become happy being single, before you even think of entering in a relationship.

Edit: I thought I would add, when looking for a girlfriend, make sure you don't automatically dismiss someone just because they may not have a smoking body or huge breasts. Attraction is important for sure, but I see a lot of people complaining how they don't have a boyfriend when there are plenty of average looking people who are willing to date them (not that you should date someone just for the sake of dating them, but it might be worth to give someone who you are not immediately attracted to a chance. They might endear themselves to you with their personality. Remember, while rock-hard abs or nice breasts might get people interested a lot quicker, it is ultimately going to be your personality that is important in the end). I guess what I'm saying is make sure your standards aren't too high when it comes to potential girlfriend options.

But to answer your original question, where to begin with dating, girls are pretty much everywhere. There isn't some secret place where all the girls meet up; you can pretty much find a girl anywhere you go. If you see a girl, make an effort to talk to her (don't be creepy though, make sure the opportunity presents itself). Even if it goes nowhere, or you have no intentions of dating the girl, that's no problem. If it doesn't go well, move on and you've lost nothing save for a little pride. You might end up becoming friends with a girl you talk to, and that's perfectly fine too. Having female friends is a wonderful thing, and most importantly, they have other female friends they might introduce you to.

Don't go with the mentality of "I have to find a girlfriend"; it's desperate and unappealing. One of the best things I ever did was slap myself repeatedly until I got that line of thinking out of my head. I have the mindset now, if something happens great, but if not I won't be too unhappy. Trust me, it is a lot easier to talk to girls when you aren't thinking of all of them as potential partners all the time.

Well that's my thoughts on the matter. Take from it what you will.

 

[Tsukuyomi]

Broadening my horizons and interests and getting in shape are two of the things I came to on my own, but since I wasn't sure if desperation and/or adherence to social norms was coloring my thought-process on the matter, I'm glad to see it's a sentiment echoed by others. It just seems a simple and worthwhile couple of moves to make. I'm glad it makes sense to others as well and I'm not just being odd or giving in to hype or marketing or whatever.

The desperation...it comes and goes. I've been aware for some time that it's not a healthy trait to have and so I've been working on downplaying it's influence in my behavior while working on getting rid of it. Thankfully it manifests hardest when I'm alone, such as in my bed or just waking up in the morning, so at least no one else sees it or has to deal with it. I'm terrible at reading signals apparently, so that likely extends to the ones I'm giving off as well as the ones others are sending me, so it may be worse than I think. Still, when I'm around women who I...well, for lack of a better term, "don't consider a threat", I can talk with quite easily and I am told I even have some charm. I'm still working on importing that level of relaxation to talking with anyone.

As far as the fact that being a geek means we're not marginalized anymore thing goes, yeah, I agree that it's mostly what we put on ourselves nowadays. A lot of problems I have, particularly ones like that that involve self-esteem and my mental state, seem to require a consistent force of will to simply let things go and move on from the past. Some days I'm capable of it, some days it weighs too heavy to shrug it off. I'll continue to work on it.

One thing that concerns me though, that occurred to me when I was reading the responses here:

It's not that you guys are wrong, as you're definitely not. However the world around me presents a bit of a paradox and something I worry about:

I have friends who are sex-crazed probably 80% of the time. much of their content on things like GroupMe is pictures and stuff relating to that kind of thing. I've always been the one who's been the guy to go "FOCUS!" when we're doing something out in public and they wanna...window-shop, so to speak. Same thing goes for my job: a woman walks in and my co-workers are looking at the fact that she's got a nice behind while I'm trying to get work done since...well...work is for work and now is not the time for window shopping. On my own time? Sure I might notice someone who's cute and in my head go "huh, cute". But compared to me you'd think these guys are thirstier than diabetics in the sahara desert. 9/10ths of them have girlfriends or wives to boot! It's a fustrating paradox: the best bet is to not care, but all the information I'm getting is that people who are in relationships already apparently care about the prospect a lot! Confusing.

What concerns me more, though, is this: Most of these guys talk a big game. their attitudes towards women are somewhere in the realm of "disposable", if I had to describe it. That might be exaggerating but it seems like it's that bad sometimes. More than once they've dragged girlfriends or wives out on outings that normally would be just us guys and is clearly something they're not interested in, and when I mention "man, it seems kinda inconsiderate that you dragged your girlfriend here. She's bored out of her skull." they just wave it off. It's a flippant attitude that I dislike.

For my own part I've always tried to put the lady first when it comes to spending time together. One of the biggest complaints I got from my ex stemmed from the fact that I held back my problems or how I was feeling because I didn't want to burden her with MORE when she was already having tough times of her own. I even explained to her once that if she cheated, I felt like it would have been my fault anyway: if you're going somewhere else, that means there's something I'm not providing in our relationship that you're looking elsewhere for, and that's on me.

My concern is that, while I'm sure I have some attitudes that need changing, I don't want to accidentally fall into that d-bag "women are disposable sex machines" attitude either. I may not be in the right place in terms of how I think of women, but I feel like being where I am is the better side of the bell-curve so to speak. I'd rather go from white-knighting to treating the situation how it should be than from being a raging mysogynist to the proper place.

I think at my age my attitudes are reasonably well-set and I can likely avoid that particular pitfall, but with the influences I have in my life right now it still worries me.

 

[MasochisticAvenger]

Just remember, whatever you do, you need to make sure you are doing it for yourself. If you want to broaden your horizons and/or get fitter that is wonderful, but if you?re only doing those things because you think it will increase your chances of getting a girlfriend you are in for a world of pain. Right now you need to focus on yourself, and not even think about dating. If you are not truly happy with yourself, no one else is going to be able to do it for you.

Don?t worry so much. Everybody, and I mean everybody, has something about them they would rather stay hidden. Stop thinking your ?problem? is so massive it?s going to weigh you down for life. The only reason it is a problem is you?re letting it be a problem.

I never quite understood why people go on about signals so much. Well I do get it: people are trying to justify why they didn?t make a move because they couldn?t tell if someone was interested in them due to some vaguely defined signals. It?s actually not that complicated. If you?re talking to a woman, and she is engaging in the conversation, it means she is interested in you to some extent. If you?re talking to a woman, and she?s doing everything not to be in the conversation (i.e. finishing every conversation you start, looking at her phone, etc?) it means she is not interested. There aren?t these super-complicated signals to tell you if someone is interested. She?s not going to start blinking to you in code to tell you whether or not she is interested.

Straight guys like looking at pretty women, and that doesn?t automatically go away the second you get a girlfriend. There is nothing wrong with looking, as long as they don?t act further on it. It also depends on how much they?re looking while at work. It would be a bit creepy if they were stopping for twenty minutes or so, just to stare at an attractive woman. However, if they?re just looking for a couple of minutes, and they?re being subtle about it, I don?t really see the harm. No one can work non-stop, and what they?re doing isn?t hurting anyone. In the end though, I only have your word to go by so I can?t say for sure exactly what they are doing.

Also, don?t worry too much about what other people are doing. Unless you happen to be their supervisor, or you?re working on some sort of group project, what they do shouldn?t really affect you, should it? Just focus on getting your job done.

Again, I only have your word to go by, so I can?t say too much on your friends bringing their partners to events they don?t like. However, I would be very surprised if the reverse wasn?t also happening. You can?t tell me the girlfriends are not also dragging your friends to events they aren?t particularly interested in. It?s kind of part of being in a relationship; you sometimes have to do things that don?t interest you. I think it?s nice they want to include their girlfriends in their activities. I don?t really see how you could read that is them treating their partners as disposable.

It?s not really your place to tell your friends whether or not they should be bringing their girlfriends/wives anywhere. It?s between your friend and his girlfriend/wife. I mean they?re big girls, they can take care of themselves. If they truly feel like they?re only being dragged to things that bore them, it?s up to them to bring it up with their boyfriends/husbands. As I said before, you can?t tell me they don?t drag their boyfriends/husbands to things that don?t interest them. It?s just you wouldn?t be invited to any of those events, because you?re clearly not friends with any of the girls. I mean you could try talking to them or including them more.

Also, I can?t help but wonder if there is more going on here. The way you say ?More than once they?ve dragged girlfriends or wives out on outings that normally would be just us guys? makes me wonder if the problem you?re having isn?t that the girls are bored, but rather you feel they are intruding on your time with your guy friends. I mean it probably makes you feel like an extra wheel, right? Just be careful you?re honest with yourself about how you really feel.

Why would you even bring up the idea of cheating with your girlfriend? Cheating is an unfortunate thing no person should ever have to go through. If you?re with someone you really trust, cheating should be the furthest thing from your mind. It?s not something you should really be bringing up in casual conversation. If I had a girlfriend, and she said to me it would be alright if I cheated on her, my first thought would be ?well she?s clearly not that interested in the relationship if she doesn?t care if I?m faithful to her?.

Honestly, it comes off as extremely desperate. What you basically said to her was ?I am so desperate to be with you, you can pretty much get away with anything and I won?t mind?. That?s not a very attractive quality in a person. There is a huge difference between putting your partner first, and being a doormat. If she were really interested in you, she would want to know about your problems. She would want to help you in any way she could, and she wouldn?t see it as a burden.

As I said before, you get into a relationship because you want to make the other person happy. That isn?t exclusive to just guys. All these guys I see who have the mentality the relationship is only about making the woman happy just saddens me. If a girl likes you enough to go out with you, it means she wants to do what she can to make you happy. Just as you?re trying to make her happy, she should be doing the same back to you.

If you are truly invested in the relationship, the idea of them cheating on you should be so painful you don?t even want to think about it. If they do cheat on you, you should never blame yourself. If they aren?t interested in you, they should have the guts to end the relationship first.

I?m honestly not sure what your ?concern? has to do with anything. If you feel everyone else is treating women as ?disposable sex machines? what does that really have to do with you. Unless you happen to be the most easily suggestible person on the planet, how other people treat women really shouldn?t have much of an effect on you.
There?s nothing really wrong with just having sex with someone, as long as you?re clear with your intentions, and both parties agree to it. As shocking as it might be, not every woman is looking for a committed relationship. Some of them just want to have sex with someone. Just make your intentions clear from the get go.

I hate to say it, but it?s coming across like you?re trying desperately to come up with excuses as to why you don?t have a girlfriend. It?s looking like a weak excuse as to why you shouldn?t get a girlfriend, because society has ingrained in your mind not having a girlfriend is wrong. I?m reading what you?re writing as ?But I shouldn?t get a girlfriend? I might treat her badly?. If you want a girlfriend, fine, but if you don?t want a girlfriend, that?s perfectly fine as well. There is nothing wrong with being single; don?t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I also can?t help but feel you?re putting yourself on a bit of a pedestal. Everything you say in your post makes you come across as if you?re saying ?I?m better than everyone else?. Knock if off, it?s not an attractive quality. Honestly, I think your problem runs far deeper than just a simple case of desperation.

Wow, that was longer than I thought it?d be. I hope what I said helps in some way.