Getting over her

[zelda2fanboy]

About seven months ago, I met a girl online. We skype chatted almost every night. I fell in love (she said she loved me too) and I drove six hours to meet her. She was the first woman I ever had sex with. After that, she wasn't interested anymore. I've gone over the reasons dozens of times, but none of them really matter. She deleted me from her friends list on facebook. We talked a little bit here and there, until eventually she got sick of my neediness and how much I still loved her. This resulted in many, many tears. I've made tons of posts about it in various virginity and sex threads. Here I am four months after it ended and I still can't get over it. It feels like the only interesting thing that has ever happened to me.

How do people ever get over this? Am I taking too long? Am I abnormal? I still cry about it every week. I think about her every day.

I don't have any friends to really talk about it with and there aren't any girls I can date. (I'm not even sure if I can be fun right now or ever again, but I'm still trying regardless.) I just don't know what to do.

 

[Hairetos]

Love hurts man. It hurts especially bad because it sounds like it was the first of many things for you. A lot of men are really affected by their first love experiences.

Best thing I could tell you: go out and make lots of chill guy friends. People say to pick up hobbies; I'd agree but make sure they are group hobbies. Solitary activities will just make you think about her more. Nothing takes your mind off of one person like talking to a bunch of other people, so go out and be active.

If you can sustain good relationships with other people, you have a good chance of getting over it with time. Also, I wouldn't recommend talking it out with someone. Out of sight, out of mind would be my approach here.

Once the difficult part eases up, you can try getting in the dating game again. Make sure you are in good mental shape so that you don't bring baggage, but if you can start some healthy relationships with females you're pretty much in the clear as far as getting over her.

 

[FilipJPhry]

From seeing so many threads like this one on 4chan's /r9k/ board, no. You're not weird for feeling like this. In fact, you're a frigging alpha male for pulling this crap off compared to other sad saps I see here. You loved, lost and you're still in the mourning phase. Now what? You could try the same thing again, only wiser and won't be as much devastated as you are now. If you don't want to do that and just want this feeling to go away, you'll get over it eventually. Try sleeping with another woman. I know, "Easier said than done". Or is it? You say there aren't any girls you can date. Bullshit. You got a girl to have sex with you. Don't go assuming all girls in your area aren't dating material. Sell yourself the fuck out. Be yourself as you are putting in an alpha-male attitude. I posted in another advice post explaining Approach Anxiety. I'll copy/paste it from there because I'm too lazy now to type it again.

Spoiler: Approach Anxiety as delivered

I suffered from extreme AA the entire first year I was sarging(the time I started to have lots of sex), and it took this epiphany for me to finally break out and get Anti-Approach Anxiety. Nowadays I get worried that if I DON'T approach a hot girl, some other guy is gonna be nailing her to the kitchen counter on Valentine's Day- ain't gonna happen, OP!

Right now, if you're suffering from AA, your basic frame is almost certainly something like this: "She's hot and gets hit on all the time, and I'll come off as awkward and the conversation would die off in 20 seconds and it's safer to just not approach". Even if you don't actually think this to yourself every time, this type of basic attitude is the source of AA. So listen up:

Hot girls do get hit on all the time. 99/100, however, it is an awkward experience initiated by some chode with no game, making boring conversation, and not adding any excitement or value to her life at all. This is where shit tests and ***** shields come from (I know, I know, this is hardly groundbreaking stuff- hear me out).

SO. First off it's important to understand that WOMEN DO NOT MIND PEOPLE TALKING TO THEM. Seriously, women talk 100 times more than guys do. Listen to them gabbering right now. Talking is something all women love to do. Talking is easy. SO LISTEN UP: EVEN IF YOU HAVE A SUPER BORING CONVERSATION, THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING THAT WILL HAPPEN IS THAT YOU WILL COME ACROSS LIKE A NORMAL GUY. Think about that. Normal guys are boring and awkward around hot women. So even if you crash and burn and are boring and awkward, YOU'RE NORMAL, CONGRATULATIONS. That's the WORST case scenario! Wrap your head around this concept, care for it, feed it, nurture it, ponder it and all of it's implications. You can do NO worse than normal. It's like someone giving you a test and saying, "Oh by the way, the absolute lowest score possible is a C. You literally cannot, under any circumstances (other than burning the building down or slapping the teacher in the face with your dick) FAIL this test." There will be NO pressure and NO anxiety once you actually, properly I N C E P T this idea into your consciousness. You're gonna like the way you approach and open; I guarantee it.

Second, when you walk past a hot girl without talking to her, you are being a selfish, unchivalrous douchebag because you are placing your own fears and wants above her needs. Women NEED you to improve their lives. They are DESPERATE for something exciting to happen. They silently BEG you every day to start a conversation and drop an atomic love bomb into their world. I'm not even kidding, ask ANY girl you know. Better yet, ask every girl you DON'T know. If you're trying to kick AA, go up to a hot chick tomorrow and just ask her, "So when I see a cute girl out and about, I should absolutely go talk to her right? Girls all silently hope for a fun guy to spontaneously start talking to them, right?" If someone produces a recording of them asking a stranger this question and the answer is anything other than "YES", I will send them a Steam Key or something. No shit.

Alright, I'm rambling here, and I'll probably come back and edit this in the morning to make it understandable, but for now, just remember:

1. Normal guys are boring and slightly awkward when talking to hot chicks, ergo...
2. Even if you are totally boring and awkward, the worst you can be is normal.
3.If you open girls and are even slightly interesting and fun, you will get their number and you will fuck real live female women.
4. NOT opening a girl means you are a selfish dick who wants to retain all the awesomeness in your life for just yourself.
5. All women want to be opened.
6. For the sweet-love of GOD go outside and talk to girls.

Also, I guess you need sex advice. To umm, prevent your experience, place pillows under her body. You can stimulate the clit that way. Women like doggy style too. You have to 'feel' her out as well. Foreplay is very important. The idea of foreplay is to get her so excited that she's about to "pop". It depends on the girl, hence the 'feeling her out'.

 

[EeveeElectro]

It sounded like you both wanted different things. It sounded like you want a relationship and she just wanted a bit of casual sex but was put off by your neediness.
She SHOULD have made her intentions clear when you were talking though, and she shouldn't have led you on to believe you had a future by telling you she loved you. If she didn't want anything serious and you was telling her how much you still love her I can see why she'd cut off all contact. But like I said, she shouldn't have led you on to the point of sex.

Honestly, this is actually the first personal account I've heard of a woman doing it to the man :s I've been in this situation myself where a guy has told me all sorts of lovely stuff to get me into bed then pretty much said "Ta for the sex. Byeeeeee!"
Unless you did something seriously wrong I don't see why she would stop talking to, unless she was just after the sex which she was by the sound of it.
Which begs the question why she couldn't look closer to home if she just wanted a cock instead of making someone drive for six hours.
Maybe she gets her kicks from being able to bend men to her will. Maybe she has many unresolved issues. No one will ever know. It's better to have people who willingly fuck with people's emotions out of your life before they destroy you even more.

The only other thing I can suggest is that she just didn't like you IRL. But if she didn't like you, she shouldn't have slept with you.
Maybe I'm just old fashioned and a prude but I think sex should be between two people who actually love each other...

Anyway, the only way now is forward. See it as a very harsh learning curve but one you can learn from. I'm now pretty good at spotting guys a mile off who just want the sex, I'd just advise you to be more cautious in the future.

It hurts. Damn right it fucking hurts. Especially after your first time. I know exactly how you feel and how you want your first time to be special but it doesn't always play out like the movies.
But you know what? There will be others. It might be tomorrow, next week, next month, next year but someone else will come along. It's okay to still feel sad about it and have a little cry, but don't let it stop you from moving on to better things and to the happiness you deserve.

[sub]However, I will advise you... cool it just a little bit. Sometimes we get scared off by men who seem TOO interested in us. Don't be too forward. Cool as a cucumber to begin with. *shades*[/sub]

 

[Lunatic High]

I've had a good half dozen break ups and thinking about every one of them STILL hurts, I dunno what kinda advice I could give other than that you just gotta make room for them, try an take what you learned that made it a positive experience for you and use that to work towards the next one. It can't rain all time.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

From seeing so many threads like this one on 4chan's /r9k/ board, no. You're not weird for feeling like this. In fact, you're a frigging alpha male for pulling this crap off compared to other sad saps I see here. You loved, lost and you're still in the mourning phase. Now what? You could try the same thing again, only wiser and won't be as much devastated as you are now. If you don't want to do that and just want this feeling to go away, you'll get over it eventually. Try sleeping with another woman. I know, "Easier said than done". Or is it? You say there aren't any girls you can date. Bullshit. You got a girl to have sex with you. Don't go assuming all girls in your area aren't dating material. Sell yourself the fuck out. Be yourself as you are putting in an alpha-male attitude. I posted in another advice post explaining Approach Anxiety. I'll copy/paste it from there because I'm too lazy now to type it again.

Also, I guess you need sex advice. To umm, prevent your experience, place pillows under her body. You can stimulate the clit that way. Women like doggy style too. You have to 'feel' her out as well. Foreplay is very important. The idea of foreplay is to get her so excited that she's about to "pop". It depends on the girl, hence the 'feeling her out'.

Yeah, I don't want to sleep with another woman immediately. I'll only find myself feeling for her, too. And if I don't end up feeling something for that person, then I'll just be all numb and guilty about it. I think I'll vie for the more friends strategy. Your approach philosophy isn't bad, though. I just see other guys' attempts and I get all quietly disgusted with it for no reason. I don't know why because I'm usually pretty empathetic to most people. It could be because I hear about the "douchebags" that hit on girls from girls talking to other girls. I need to realize that those "jerks" are just guys that these women at that juncture didn't find particularly attractive. Maybe tomorrow I'll man up and venture towards a bar. I'll probably wuss out, but there's a possible chance for another date with a girl in my near future.

The sex was fine. I was rusty the first couple of tries, but by the third I had clearly gotten the hang of it. I've heard from somewhere else (a Shia Lebeouf interview actually) that the pillow thing can be awkward. Besides, I think she had enough junk in the trunk to make pillows obsolete. I do have one sex related inquiry, though. From what I've seen of the internet, most men's penises seem to have a little play when fully erect. Mine goes in a very stiff V that makes any position other than missionary both tricky and potentially dangerous. I couldn't really get in for doggy style (and it kept getting near her ass) and when she was on top, I kept slipping out. It almost got crushed (and can break) when she came back down on it. It was worrisome and a little painful, so we just switched back after awhile.

 

[zelda2fanboy]

It sounded like you both wanted different things. It sounded like you want a relationship and she just wanted a bit of casual sex but was put off by your neediness.
She SHOULD have made her intentions clear when you were talking though, and she shouldn't have led you on to believe you had a future by telling you she loved you. If she didn't want anything serious and you was telling her how much you still love her I can see why she'd cut off all contact. But like I said, she shouldn't have led you on to the point of sex.

Honestly, this is actually the first personal account I've heard of a woman doing it to the man :s I've been in this situation myself where a guy has told me all sorts of lovely stuff to get me into bed then pretty much said "Ta for the sex. Byeeeeee!"
Unless you did something seriously wrong I don't see why she would stop talking to, unless she was just after the sex which she was by the sound of it.
Which begs the question why she couldn't look closer to home if she just wanted a cock instead of making someone drive for six hours.
Maybe she gets her kicks from being able to bend men to her will. Maybe she has many unresolved issues. No one will ever know. It's better to have people who willingly fuck with people's emotions out of your life before they destroy you even more.

The only other thing I can suggest is that she just didn't like you IRL. But if she didn't like you, she shouldn't have slept with you.
Maybe I'm just old fashioned and a prude but I think sex should be between two people who actually love each other...

Anyway, the only way now is forward. See it as a very harsh learning curve but one you can learn from. I'm now pretty good at spotting guys a mile off who just want the sex, I'd just advise you to be more cautious in the future.

It hurts. Damn right it fucking hurts. Especially after your first time. I know exactly how you feel and how you want your first time to be special but it doesn't always play out like the movies.
But you know what? There will be others. It might be tomorrow, next week, next month, next year but someone else will come along. It's okay to still feel sad about it and have a little cry, but don't let it stop you from moving on to better things and to the happiness you deserve.

I don't know. I was keeping a couple of coworkers abreast of the story as it was happening just to have something to bullshit about (I work in a back room). When I told one of them how the relationship was after it happened, he said "She used you, man." I still don't completely buy that theory, but there's a little something to it. Actually, when I asked her why she didn't love me anymore, she said that I had "used" her because I couldn't get anyone else to have sex with me. Also, shortly thereafter she went on a trip with her friend and had sex with her friend's ex boyfriend who she had known from previous vacations. I think it's possible she didn't know that she just wanted sex and that the whole situation was clouded by her getting "used" by another guy right before me, as well as both of our depression and desperation for a relationship.

I really do feel like she might not have liked me as much in real life. I told her the truth that I was less impressive in person, but she just kept talking about how awkward she was going to be. Pretty much within fifteen minutes of meeting, we were making out. I couldn't wait, I guess. Maybe that was a mistake, but I was scared of losing her. My other not-relationship fell apart in a similar manner. The girl was crazy about me online, we met and I thought we had a good time (and we made out like crazy), but she never seemed to really want to see me again. I don't know if I'm being taken advantage of or what. Even if I am, why wouldn't they keep taking advantage? Hell, I'd want them to.

 

[sunsetspawn]

...Actually, when I asked her why she didn't love me anymore, she said that I had "used" her because I couldn't get anyone else to have sex with me. Also, shortly thereafter she went on a trip with her friend and had sex with her friend's ex boyfriend who she had known from previous vacations. I think it's possible she didn't know that she just wanted sex and that the whole situation was clouded by her getting "used" by another guy right before me, as well as both of our depression and desperation for a relationship.

First of all, you need to not talk to this crazy ***** again, ever. Seriously, that's fucking step one and it will help immensely.

Second, you need to recognize that not all women are wonderful flowers and snowflakes that want special magic. This single misconception gets more guys hurt than all the fists in the world. Women can be mean, nasty megacunts and they can also have emotional issues too. Be careful.

Third, if you fall in love before intercourse you need to be EXTREMELY careful. As a matter of fact, I honestly don't remember how to proceed in such a scenario, but I know that lots of bad shit can come of it. I suppose in this scenario the woman needs to love you back.

I really do feel like she might not have liked me as much in real life. I told her the truth that I was less impressive in person, but she just kept talking about how awkward she was going to be. Pretty much within fifteen minutes of meeting, we were making out. I couldn't wait, I guess. Maybe that was a mistake, but I was scared of losing her. My other not-relationship fell apart in a similar manner. The girl was crazy about me online, we met and I thought we had a good time (and we made out like crazy), but she never seemed to really want to see me again. I don't know if I'm being taken advantage of or what. Even if I am, why wouldn't they keep taking advantage? Hell, I'd want them to.

This online stuff is something I'm unfamiliar with. Maybe you're too eager, I don't know. I'm getting too tired to think and I've run out of steam.

Anyway, as for getting better yourself, you need to find some other shit you like and drown yourself in it. The truth of the matter is that sex with other people will help. I can't help you with your mac because I don't have any, I just got very lucky after my last break-up., but it seems Fry knows a thing or two about getting your mac on.
Though I can't help you land a date, I cannot impress upon you enough that you not give too much of a fuck about your rebounds, at least not at first.

Now I'm about to attempt to explain my logic.

By experiencing meaningless sex you will truly understand just how meaningless the actual act of sex really is, and then you can genuinely separate the sex from the love, which is something that a lot of people can have a hard time separating, but learning to do so is very beneficial. Also, this quest must be undertaken without drugs or alcohol, as they cloud and alter the experience and the lesson cannot be learned.

What the hell was I talking about?

 

[Angie7F]

Four months is nothing. I ad lingering feelings for a guy for over ten years. It will all pass over with time.
You are definitely not alone, and not weird.

 

[FilipJPhry]

snip

Wait, are you talking about it goes upward and slips out? Or too stiff to move circular, kind of like grinding?

 

[zelda2fanboy]

snip

Wait, are you talking about it goes upward and slips out? Or too stiff to move circular, kind of like grinding?

Graphic sexual talk (warning to other forum goers):

Spoiler

Hmm, I'm not entirely sure. She said she wasn't very good at being on top and she didn't like it much (though she said because I was thinner than her last boyfriend she could get further down on it and it felt better). It would be okay at first, but as I pushed in more and she pulled back in rhythm, eventually we'd get going too fast and it would come out. And then in the middle of the grinding/thrusting, she'd come down hard on my dick as it missed her vagina.

Yeah, neither of us what the fuck we were doing, in retrospect. I'm thinking the "correct" way would just be simple circular grinding, not humping.

 

[kannibus]

Advice from the old guy: booze is a powerful anesthetic.

Just remember that like any drug, it should be used in a responsible manner.

 

[FilipJPhry]

snip

Practice makes perfect. I remember when I lost my virginity and I didn't know what the hell I was doing either. It wasn't with someone special, too. The school slut took mine. Next day I was getting looks around school. I thought people were in awe of me and I was walking around all swaggish. And then my friend told me that girl was talking about how I wasn't a good fuck. Now I'd say at least I know what I'm doing around the bed.

 

[MasochisticAvenger]

It might help if you stop bringing it up so much. Constantly writing it out over and over again is just reminding you of what is making you feel bad. I hate to say it, but no one here is going to have some magical power to alleviate you of your pain. You're only hurting yourself by constantly reminding yourself about it.

 

[endnuen]

GFTOG.
Probably the most powerful tool for getting over a girl.
It works perfectly.

Just Go Fuck Ten Other Girls and you will be over her before you are probably half way there. Just trying lets you meet a lot of girls, and every single one of them makes your feelings for that other one dim.

 

[irmasterlol]

O.K. This is how it goes. You get an orangutan. I'm not talking a monkey or some dancing chimp BS, I mean a damn orangutan. Don't ask me how you're gonna get an orangutan that's not my problem. So the orangutan's name is Clyde. This is non-negotiable, all orangutans are named Clyde. I don't know why this is, it's just how the world works. So you and Clyde become man (and ape) about town. You're seen everywhere together, you make the scene. You and friends go out in big groups. You talk loud, you laugh louder. Every time you say something witty you high-five the orangutan. The town begins to buzz. It gets back to her. "Did you know the guy with the orangutan?" "You used to date the guy with the orangutan?" "Why would you break up with a guy with an orangutan?" Next thing you know she's calling.

"I'm hoping we can still be friends. Wanna hang out sometime?" "Geez I dunno, me and Clyde were going to a monster truck race tonight. (Orangutans love monster trucks) In fact the whole social calendar seems kinda full. I tell you what, I'll make a little note (what was your name again?) and maybe I can squeeze you in. Oh, well you know my number so don't be a stra- Hey look at the time! I gotta skate, Clyde's making Mojitos'."

At this point the upper hand is yours. You can let her twist in the wind; you can draw her back into your life at the pace you decide. Whatever, it's your life. But if you're a smart man? You slowly phase her back in. You're IM'ng. You're talking on Live. You get invited to family functions. You bring Clyde, he becomes like one of the family. You're one big Brady Bunch.

 

[Evil Smurf]

go out with your friends, exercise, drink. Stuff that gives endorphins