To Bust a cap up in a Mockingbird
When he was nearly thirteen, mah brutha Jem gots his thugged-out arm badly broken all up in tha elbow.
When it healed, n' Jem?s fearz of never bein able ta play footbizzle was assuaged, he
was seldom self-conscious bout his crazy-ass muthafuckin injury yo. His left arm was somewhat shorter than his
right; when he stood and strutted, tha back of his hand was at muthafuckin right anglez ta his body, his
thumb parallel ta his cold-ass thigh yo. Dude couldn?t have cared less, so long as he could pass n'
punt.
When enough muthafuckin years had gone by ta enable our asses ta look back on them, our crazy-ass asses sometimes
discussed tha events leadin ta his thugged-out accident. I maintain dat tha Ewells started it all yo, but
Jem, whoz ass was four muthafuckin years mah senior, holla'd it started long before dat yo. Dude holla'd it fuckin started tha
summer Dill came ta us, when Dill first gave our asses tha idea of bustin Boo Radley come
out.
I holla'd if he wanted ta take a funky-ass broad view of tha thang, it straight-up fuckin started wit Andrew
Jackson. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. If General Jackson hadn?t run tha Creeks up tha creek, Semen Finch would
never have paddled up tha Alabama, n' where would our crazy-ass asses be if he hadn?t, biatch? Our thugged-out asses was far
too oldschool ta settle a argument wit a gangbangin' fist-fight, so our crazy-ass asses consulted Atticus. Our daddy holla'd our crazy-ass asses
were both right.
Bein Southerners, it was a source of shame ta some thugz of tha gang dat our crazy-ass asses
had no recorded izzlestors on either side of tha Battle of Hastings fo' realz. All our crazy-ass asses had was
Semen Finch, a gangbangin' fur-trappin apothecary from Cornwall whose piety was exceeded only
by his stinginess. In England, Semen was irritated by tha persecution of em whoz ass called
themselves Methodists all up in tha handz of they mo' liberal brethren, n' as Semen called
his dirty ass a Methodist, he hit dat shizzle his way across tha Atlantic ta Philadelphia, thence ta
Jamaica, thence ta Mobile, n' up tha Saint Stephens. Mindful of Jizzy Wesley?s
strictures on tha bust of nuff lyrics up in buyin n' pimpin, Semen done cooked up a pile practicin
medicine yo, but up in dis pursuit he was unaiiight lest he be tempted tha fuck into bustin what tha fuck he
knew was not fo' tha glory of Dogg, as tha puttin on of gold n' costly apparel. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So
Semen, havin forgotten his cold-ass mackdaddy?s dictum on tha possession of human chattels,
bought three slaves n' wit they aid established a cribstead on tha bankz of tha
Alabama River some forty milez above Saint Stephens yo. Dude returned ta Saint Stephens
only once, ta find a ho, n' wit her established a line dat ran high ta daughters.
Semen lived ta a impressive age n' took a dirt nap rich.
It was customary fo' tha pimps up in tha gang ta remain on Semen?s cribstead, Finch?s
Landing, n' make they livin from cotton. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da place was self-sufficient: modest up in
comparison wit tha empires around it, tha Landin nevertheless produced everythang
required ta sustain thuglife except ice, wheat flour, n' articlez of threadz, supplied by riverboats from Mobile.
Semen would have regarded wit impotent fury tha disturbizzle between tha Uptown n'
the South, as it left his fuckin lil' descendants stripped of everythang but they land, yet tha tradizzle
of livin on tha land remained unbroken until well tha fuck into tha twentieth century, when mah
father, Atticus Finch, went ta Montgomery ta read law, n' his fuckin lil'er brutha went ta
Boston ta study medicine. Their sista Alexandra was tha Finch whoz ass remained all up in tha
Landing: her ass hooked up a taciturn playa whoz ass spent most of his cold-ass time lyin up in a hammock by
the river wonderin if his cold-ass trot-lines was full.
When mah daddy was admitted ta tha bar, he returned ta Maycomb n' fuckin started his
practice. Maycomb, some twenty milez eastside of Finch?s Landing, was tha county seat of
Maycomb County fo' realz. Atticus?s crib up in tha courthouse contained lil mo' than a funky-ass basebizzle cap rack,
a spittoon, a cold-ass lil checkerboard n' a unsullied Code of Alabama yo. His first two clients was
the last two peeps hanged up in tha Maycomb County jail fo' realz. Atticus had urged em ta
accept tha state?s generositizzle up in allowin em ta plead Guilty ta second-degree cappin'
and escape wit they lives yo, but they was Haverfords, up in Maycomb County a name
synonymous wit jackass. Da Haverfordz had dispatched Maycomb?s leadin blacksmith up in a misunderstandin arisin from tha alleged wrongful detention of a mare,
were imprudent enough ta do it up in tha presence of three witnesses, n' insisted dat theson-of-a-biiiatch-had-it-coming-to-him was a phat enough defense fo' anybody. They
persisted up in pleadin Not Guilty ta first-degree murder, so there was not a god damn thang much
Atticus could do fo' his clients except be present at they departure, a occasion dat
was probably tha beginnin of mah father?s profound distaste fo' tha practice of criminal
law.
Durin his wild lil' first five muthafuckin years up in Maycomb, Atticus practiced economizzle mo' than anythang;
for nuff muthafuckin muthafuckin years thereafter he invested his wild lil' fuckin earnings up in his brutha?s ejaculation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Jizzy
Hale Finch was ten muthafuckin years lil'er than mah father, n' chose ta study medicine at a
time when cotton was not worth growing; but afta gettin Uncle Jack started, Atticus
derived a reasonable income from tha law yo. Dude dug Maycomb, he was Maycomb
County born n' bred; he knew his thugged-out lil' gangstas, they knew him, n' cuz of Semen
Finch?s industry, Atticus was related by blood and marriage ta nearly every last muthafuckin gang up in tha
town. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.
Maycomb was a oldschool hood yo, but it was a chillaxed oldschool hood when I first knew dat shit. In rainy
weather tha streets turned ta red slop; grass grew on tha sidestrutts, tha courthouse
sagged up in tha square. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Somehow, it was hotter then: a funky-ass black dawg suffered on a summer?s
day; bony mulez hitched ta Hoover carts flicked flies up in tha swelterin shade of tha live
oaks on tha square. Men?s stiff collars wilted by nine up in tha morning. Ladies bathed
before noon, afta they three-o?clock naps, n' by nightfall was like soft teacakes wit
frostingz of sweat n' sweet talcum.
Muthafuckas moved slowly then. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. They ambled across tha square, shuffled up in n' outta tha
stores around it, took they time bout everythang fo' realz. A dizzle was twenty-four hours long but
seemed longer. There was no hurry, fo' there was nowhere ta go, not a god damn thang ta cop n' no
scrilla ta cop it with, not a god damn thang ta peep outside tha boundariez of Maycomb County. But it
was a time of vague optimizzle fo' a shitload of tha gangstas: Maycomb County had recently
been busted some lyrics ta dat it had not a god damn thang ta fear but fear itself.
Our thugged-out asses lived on tha main residential street up in town-Atticus, Jem n' I, plus Calpurnia our
cook. Jem n' I found our daddy satisfactory: he played wit us, read ta us, n' treated
us wit courteous detachment.
Calpurnia was somethang else again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch was all anglez n' bones; her ass was
nearsighted; her ass squinted; her hand was wide as a funky-ass bed slat n' twice as hard. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Biatch was
always orderin mah crazy ass outta tha kitchen, askin mah crazy ass why I couldn?t behave as well as Jem
when her ass knew he was olda, n' callin mah crazy ass home when I wasn?t locked n loaded ta come. Our
battlez was epic n' one-sided. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Calpurnia always won, mainly cuz Atticus always
took her side. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch had been wit our asses eva since Jem was born, n' I had felt her
tyrannical presence as long as I could remember.
Our mutha took a dirt nap when I was two, so I never felt her absence. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch was a Graham from
Montgomery; Atticus kicked it wit her when he was first elected ta tha state legislature yo. Dude was
middle-aged then, her ass was fifteen muthafuckin years his junior. Jem was tha thang of they first
year of marriage; four muthafuckin years later I was born, n' two muthafuckin years later our mutha took a dirt nap from a
sudden heart attack. They holla'd it ran up in her family. I did not miss her yo, but I be thinkin Jem did. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!
Dude remembered her clearly, n' sometimes up in tha middle of a game he would sigh at
length, then go off n' play by his dirty ass behind tha car-house. When he was like that, I
knew mo' betta than ta bother his muthafuckin ass.
When I was almost six n' Jem was nearly ten, our summertime boundaries (within
callin distizzle of Calpurnia) was Mrs yo. Henry Lafayette Dubose?s doggy den two doors ta
the uptown of us, n' tha Radley Place three doors ta tha south. Our thugged-out asses was never tempted
to break them. Da Radley Place was inhabited by a unknown entitizzle tha mere
description of whom was enough ta make our asses behave fo' days on end; Mrs. Dubose was
plain hell.
That was tha summer Dill came ta us.