Girlfriend advice; I cheated

[StarStruckStrumpets]

You cheated and didn't tell her?

Man, that's mistake number one. Sorry, but you have to tell her and explain. If she leaves you, then I don't blame her. If she stays with you, then you lucked out. Chances are that won't happen though. Sorry to say that, but it's the truth. At least it will be a learning experience.

True.

You need to tell her, and if she leaves you, I agree with her. That was really dickish of you no matter how you try to justify yourself. If she stays with you, she's madly in love, oh, and on that note:

Don't fuck around with her heart again.

Because they you would be a real ass. Oh, and I would despise you.

 

[goatzilla8463]

Really depends on the severity of the so called cheating.

I've cheated once... or twice on my girlfriend but only kisses. I've obviously owned up to this straight after and she's forgiven me, and vice versa.

Now, knocking up another girl, that's something different.

 

[Ciambawildcat]

Alright, here's my advice. Obviously there is already a trust issue here, and since relationships are built on trust, you are on uneven ground already. The only way to even hope to fix a trust issue is to be totally honest with her. The floor may cave out beneath you and cast you into the abyss of being single once again, but trying to mend things--even if it does just tip the balance--is better than watching it slowly crumble away.

So tell her. She should be worth enough to you to know the truth. No one deserves to be lied to. Tell her that you messed up by not telling her before, but from now on you're going to be as honest as possible. From now on, if your relationship pulls through, never push things under the rug again. Tell her stuff, even if it's something small. When she realizes that you're not saying stuff to make yourself look good, that you're saying stuff because it's true, she'll slowly start to heal again.

That's going to take a lot of work, and a lot of time, though. I hope you're prepared for that.

 

[jamesworkshop]

try breaking up with her without mentioning the cheating part maybe that would hurt less

 

[Woem]

I think you should tell her now. You don't want this thing to come back at you in a couple of years. It will not be the easiest time of your life but it will most likely make your relationship stronger.

 

[OpiateChicken]

I donno man, I'd understand if it was the 1st month or maybe 2nd. But you did that in the 4th month, so I think that's stretching it a bit. The right thing to do would be to tell her.

However, that will probably not end well for you. Just think about your future before you decide: what will you think of yourself if you don't tell her? Will you be disappointed in yourself? If not, then don't tell her. Not worth it. And if you do love her, you'll learn from this and not do that shit again.

The flipside is, she might already know and is seeing if you will tell the truth or not.

 

[RobCoxxy]

Seriously, dude, you just have owned up to that when it happened an (if it didn't mean anything to you, then say that too, but don't lie if it did) because seriously, honhesty is the best policy.
And not cheating on her in the first place.

For instance, I would rather have known my ex was dumping me for someone else straight from the horses' mouth rather than find out myself a lot later. It hurts, but a lot less than it does the hard way.

This type of thing (honhesty) works both ways in a relationship.

 

[Ravenbom]

My girlfriend and I have been going out for a year now. Recently she has suspected me of cheating on her ,but I haven't recently. By this I mean in the beginning of our relationship I had moment of weakness and cheated on her. I still feel guilty to this day now she is saying if I cheated on her to tell her. She has been hurt by past boyfriends and I don't want to hurt her and I don't know what the right thing to do is.
Can anyone help me out or give me advice? Should I tell her and hurt her or should I be quiet and let it fade out?

If you love her, don't tell her.
OK, one, what reason does she have to suspect you of cheating on her? If you haven't recently, then there's nothing to be ashamed of, because you did nothing wrong. (Recently, but keep it in perspective, because she's only looking at recent evidence, most likely)

But once again, if you love her, don't tell her. You'd only be assuaging your own guilt, you wouldn't be telling her to make her feel better. If you feel bad about it, then just don't cheat on her ever again.
The only reason to tell someone you cheated on them is to selfishly ease your own guilt. It's selfish, and if you feel pain about cheating, then good, that's what you have to live with. Consider it the price for cheating.

If she's accusing you of cheating and you look uncomfortable, tell her the (half) truth. She's accusing you of something horrible, so you're uncomfortable.
Also, you might need a to have a heart to heart with her. She may be projecting, as in, she might have cheated on you, and wants to find out you cheated on her to assuage her own guilt. Also, she may be self destructively looking for a reason to end the relationship. It could be a symptom of a deeper issue.

 

[Eagle Est1986]

I'd say if it was long enough ago, you simply don't tell her, spare her feelings. That said, the fact that you haven't yet answered her makes me think that she probably already knows the answer.

 

[mikecoulter]

It was the fir

how early in the relationship did you do it?

It was the fourth month we have been dating

That's... Quite far into it really. Unless you want a big argument and a break up, keep hush and hope she doesn't secretly read your Escapist posts.

 

[Acidoctor]

You mean you didnt tell her when you did cheat? Tsk tsk. I always say honest is the best policy.

Yea I know I am idoit but I just don't want to hurt her so is it right not to tell her?

Sir, you certainly are an "idoit".

 

[Poketom]

Give her a cookie. People like cookies.

Best. Advice. Ever.

 

[Ben Legend]

You mean you didnt tell her when you did cheat? Tsk tsk. I always say honest is the best policy.

Yea I know I am idoit but I just don't want to hurt her so is it right not to tell her?

Well basically your relationship is now based on a lie. Whether or not it hurts her now it is now more likely to fail because of all that insecurity and regret that came with what you did in the past. The only way to make it better, even though it may cost you the relationship, is to tell her the truth. Its lose lost in the long run if you dont tell her now. So take it as a learning experience.

hmmm.... if you keep it bottled up, then it will just make the situation worse. By the way, did you not tell her because you didn't want to lose her? Personally, I think you should tell her, if she loves you and forgives you, it will make your relationship all the more stronger.

 

[dwightsteel]

My girlfriend and I have been going out for a year now. Recently she has suspected me of cheating on her ,but I haven't recently. By this I mean in the beginning of our relationship I had moment of weakness and cheated on her. I still feel guilty to this day now she is saying if I cheated on her to tell her. She has been hurt by past boyfriends and I don't want to hurt her and I don't know what the right thing to do is.
Can anyone help me out or give me advice? Should I tell her and hurt her or should I be quiet and let it fade out?

Are you in high school? If the answer is yes, then don't tell her anything. She doesn't need to know. You said it happened at the beginning of your relationship, and if you're in high school, then you were already prone to these fickle, ephemeral decisions. If the relationship lasts a few more years, to the point of you're becoming serious enough to put marriage on the table, then you might have to re-evaluate your position...or you might not, seeing as you're out of high school, and you'll both be old enough to know that as high school kids, you make stupid decisions because you're high school kids.

If you're older, and the cheating happened after you made some kind of commitment, as opposed to "you just started dating", then yeah, it's probably a good idea to put your cards on the table. Serious relationships suffer from that kind of secret. And there becomes that off chance that she'll find out sans you. If that happens, then you can't put your own spin on it, because she'll more then likely refuse to listen to you, because you'll already be branded a liar. Keep in mind, this is only if you were in a committed relationship when the cheating happened. You have plausible deniability on the boundaries issue if you were merely dating. Lots of people date multiple people at once, until they decide to become more serious with someone else. You could plead the case that you didn't feel your were cheating, but merely exploring your options at the time.

 

[Superbeast]

Firstly, you cheated on her 1/3 of the way into your relationship - that's way past the "still looking stage"

Secondly you haven't told her for 8 months.

Thirdly, she's asking you a direct question about "ever cheating" - not just recently.

That last one is the crux. Have you considered that maybe she's already found out that you did cheat on her, and wants to see if you are honest enough to come clean about it?

I cheated on my ex (it was a difficult relationship and I am certain she cheated on me too), and it still pains me that I never mentioned it. I didn't because it was with a friend of mine who my ex especially hated (we'd been friends before I met my then-gf) because she had a habit of sleeping with other peoples' boyfriends - and I wanted to keep my bollocks attached to my body.

As long as you didn't cheat on her with a friend, or someone that you both hang out with regularly, then you will probably remain intact (perhaps a bit bruised), but by not telling her you are going to foster resentment for yourself inside, and that will affect your mannerisms towards this lady. Maybe that's why she is already suspicious.

Tell her about it, but don't try to move the blame onto her, don't try to make excuses - and especially don't say that you didn't tell her as you regarded the first 4 months as "still looking" (mind you the whole concept of that is alien to me, as I hang around with the women I date first, so I already know if I want to be with them or not).

Honesty is the best policy - it may end the relationship but it's better to ave it out in the open than festering away like a cancer between you. Women can tell when a man lies so she'll know if you deny you've cheated on her even if she has no evidence which can lead her to resent you and make the relationship very straining indeed.

So tell her (honestly, without blaming her and without trying to make it seem insignificant - acknowledge you were solely in the wrong) and see what happens. You'll either be dumped, still have the relationship after a rocky period, or turn up in a dumpster somewhere and get chatted about on here. Best of luck.

++EDIT++

And if you're still in school/teen years then don't fret about it if you do get dumped - you have your whole life ahead of you and you'll meet many more women yet. Teenage relationships rarely last anyway.

++

++EDIT 2++

Though I consider my advice worthy, I've just been to see Dorian Gray at the cinema - a film about succumbing to and pursuing the hedonistic pleasures of the flesh because life is short - so I may be a little biased in regards to relationships right now.

++

 

[JonnoStrife]

Keep Cheating. Dont tell. Save her pain. Save your libido.

 

[Dr.Poisonfreak]

Don't get me wrong i think it's wrong to cheat but if you really love this girl then don't tell her unless you need to, if you can lock away the guilt deep inside you fir the rest of your life then do so.

that just my opinion

 

[Zersy]

My girlfriend and I have been going out for a year now. Recently she has suspected me of cheating on her ,but I haven't recently. By this I mean in the beginning of our relationship I had moment of weakness and cheated on her. I still feel guilty to this day now she is saying if I cheated on her to tell her. She has been hurt by past boyfriends and I don't want to hurt her and I don't know what the right thing to do is.
Can anyone help me out or give me advice? Should I tell her and hurt her or should I be quiet and let it fade out?

Hmmmm Just don't tell her. I've been in something similar and in the experiance , just let it be and forget although if it ever comes up again then it might be a good to explain.... "Might" be that is.