Girlfriend and her close Guy Friend.

[Batou667]

Ditch her and get some new friends while you're at it.

Sorry for being so frank but theres no need to sugarcoat this. From what you've written in your post it doesn't sound like they're just friends.

EDIT: But obviously you should talk to them about it first - that is selfexplanatory. Just don't let either of them bullshit you.

+1 for this. It *might* be completely innocent, but even so, that kind of behaviour is completely out of order.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

"gender" is not just based on genitals. Scans of Bisexual brains show they are actually "in between" the masculine and the feminine, and not in one or the other. I am not saying that it is impossible for " male gender" to make friends with females, I am saying that if it exists, it is something hard to find, the exception, not the rule. When I think about some of the things my male friends have said to me in regards to this, they have made it clear that it is not possible for them to be friends with a female without having sexual feelings for them. I honestly just think it is easier for females to consider males as only friends than it is for males to do the same with females, especially when they say things like, "It is hard for me to think about anything else with your breasts staring at me." Yes, I have actually had that said to me, and that is one of the milder comments.

I don't know. You may consider it rare in your experience, but it's common in mine.
Many of my friends are happily in relationships, they have no reason to say gross things to me (and we wouldn't be friends if they did).
I get a little irritated about this, as I've mostly male friends my entire life (by chance), and it's always been pretty uncomplicated. I feel like suggesting that all these guys must have been pining after me is just... silly.
I think if more people accepted the idea that it can be completely normal to be friends with people who are of the same gender as the one you can be attracted to is perfectly normal, maybe it'd happen more often.

EDIT: In short, I think things like `men and women cant be friends` is a self-fulfilling prophecy, and if we stopped saying stuff like that, it would probably be a lot easier.

That is the thing, I don't consider discussing sex gross. Friends discuss their sexual encounters and sexual issues openly. I consider it perfectly normal and healthy to be able to discuss sex. However, with female friends we discuss sex openly, have sex toy parties and such, but with males they just don't seem to be able to handle such things without it becoming sexual towards you. This is why I feel that guys just can't hang with that.

 

[rbstewart7263]

The way you seem to be so defensive suggests that threesomes or moresomes are out of the equation.

A pity, because they're amazing.

Me and my girl are in an openly poly relationship, and I gotta admit, it's the best thing we've ever done. She has her guy, I have my girl, we have each other, they have each other... I won't say it's an orgy every night, but... It's certainly fun.

a girl suggested poly to me once and I was thinking " I cant marry more than one chick" perhaps thats not what she mean necessarily?....

 

[PeterMerkin69]

Personally I would still give it a shot so don't think this is a dismissal of the idea, but the only way that talking to them will accomplish anything is if they are romantically involved and choose to inform you of it. If she wants to keep you around and is just screwing someone else in the interim because she's bored or upset about something there's always the possibility that she'll deceive you. Unless you're going to hook her up to a polygamist's polygraph or you're exceptionally good at reading people, there's a decent chance you're not going to know much more than you do right now. Of course, they really could be innocent, but that's not what this is about. This is about you and your feelings, and if you're concerned now, you'll likely still be concerned later because of this.

As far as I can tell, you've got two options. If you're uncomfortable with the little you do know about the situation or the possibility that she's cheating on you then you should just pull the ripcord. Her problems aren't yours, don't let them prevent you from looking out for yourself and there's always more fish--and friends--in the sea. Alternatively, if you're really, really into her, or you really, really value his friendship, you'd be better off waiting it out and seeing if they slip up or if time proves you paranoid. Or perhaps just until you get over the idea, which probably will happen if you wait long enough and you don't hear any more wicked rumors about them. Doing anything else is just a waste of time and energy at this point.

No matter how avidly society promotes monogamy/monoandry, it really goes against human nature. Jealously is such a useless emotion. If you can't trust your current partner, it's time to cast the line & hook another fish.

Untrue. Jealousy is the little flashing alarm that tells us when to cast another line, and it's motivation to ward against potential rivals. Men benefit by reducing their chances of squandering precious resources on rearing other men's children and women benefit by hanging onto their mates long enough to see their offspring through adolescence. Sometimes adaptive traits become maladaptive over time, but I still don't think that's entirely true here. Even if all you want is to keep what's "yours," jealousy is a very useful emotion indeed.

Strict monogamy/monoandry don't seem to be a part of human nature but serial monogamy is probably closer to the truth than uninhibited hippie orgies. In that case, there's plenty of room for competition and the tools with which to to get what you want--and hold onto it until you're through.

That is the thing, I don't consider discussing sex gross. Friends discuss their sexual encounters and sexual issues openly. I consider it perfectly normal and healthy to be able to discuss sex. However, with female friends we discuss sex openly, have sex toy parties and such, but with males they just don't seem to be able to handle such things without it becoming sexual towards you. This is why I feel that guys just can't hang with that.

That's because some(most? all?) men are fucking narcissist-pigs who would stick it in their own dead grandmother if they wanted it badly enough. Badly enough usually means going more than a couple days without ejaculating, or maybe even just hearing something that makes them think about ejaculating again. They don't always act on these urges, of course, but if my own experience is any indication, they're most certainly always there. Reminding us of it only brings it to the forefront.

I have female friends and acquaintances. Some of them are intelligent, funny, and nice, and we even share common interests. And you know what? They still look like bloody rare meat the moment they turn around, and I'm reminded that sinking my teeth into them would feel better than anything else in this world.

 

[ShipofFools]

Look, this is just me, but I have a close friend, who happens to be a woman, and in a relationship, and yet we cuddle, hold hands, all that stuff.
And until I read this thread I had no idea so many people see something wrong with that.

It's not like I plan on stealing her or anything, we're just good mates.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Look, this is just me, but I have a close friend, who happens to be a woman, and in a relationship, and yet we cuddle, hold hands, all that stuff.
And until I read this thread I had no idea so many people see something wrong with that.

It's not like I plan on stealing her or anything, we're just good mates.

I have never had a guy cuddle with me without him getting an erection. So I don't "cuddle" with guys I am not interested in.
So you are saying you have never had sexual thoughts about her? What if she were single and not in a relationship?

 

[ShipofFools]

Look, this is just me, but I have a close friend, who happens to be a woman, and in a relationship, and yet we cuddle, hold hands, all that stuff.
And until I read this thread I had no idea so many people see something wrong with that.

It's not like I plan on stealing her or anything, we're just good mates.

I have never had a guy cuddle with me without him getting an erection.
So you are saying you have never had sexual thoughts about her? What if she were single and not in a relationship?

Well, I'm going to be completely honest here.
Sometimes, yes, I do get an erection or at least some movement when we cuddle. I try to avoid thinking sexually about her, and avoid looking at her fun parts, instead focussing on her face. Much better for my mind, much better for her, too.

If she were single things would be different, we have talked about this and it would have been different for the both of us.
But that's okay, really. She's just... such good company, and a good friend. I would never hurt or cheat her in such a way.

EDIT: actually I'm glad you asked, Lil' Devils, this has been weighing on my mind for quite some time and it feels good to talk with other people about it.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Look, this is just me, but I have a close friend, who happens to be a woman, and in a relationship, and yet we cuddle, hold hands, all that stuff.
And until I read this thread I had no idea so many people see something wrong with that.

It's not like I plan on stealing her or anything, we're just good mates.

I have never had a guy cuddle with me without him getting an erection.
So you are saying you have never had sexual thoughts about her? What if she were single and not in a relationship?

Well, I'm going to be completely honest here.
Sometimes, yes, I do get an erection or at least some movement when we cuddle. I try to avoid thinking sexually about her, and avoid looking at her fun parts, instead focussing on her face. Much better for my mind, much better for her, too.

If she were single things would be different, we have talked about this and it would have been different for the both of us.
But that's okay, really. She's just... such good company, and a good friend. I would never hurt or cheat her in such a way.

EDIT: actually I'm glad you asked, Lil' Devils, this has been weighing on my mind for quite some time and it feels good to talk with other people about it.

Well that is the truth of it. Cuddling isn't really helping the situation. It appears you guys have feelings for each other, and it is wronging your friend/ her boyfriend for you to be cuddling with her when these feelings exist if you value his friendship, and respect him as a person. It is " between a rock and a hard place". You don't want to cut off seeing her, because you value her. However, it is a situation that requires distance for it to truly be resolved. Situations like that really are not fair to everyone involved.

 

[ShipofFools]

Look, this is just me, but I have a close friend, who happens to be a woman, and in a relationship, and yet we cuddle, hold hands, all that stuff.
And until I read this thread I had no idea so many people see something wrong with that.

It's not like I plan on stealing her or anything, we're just good mates.

I have never had a guy cuddle with me without him getting an erection.
So you are saying you have never had sexual thoughts about her? What if she were single and not in a relationship?

Well, I'm going to be completely honest here.
Sometimes, yes, I do get an erection or at least some movement when we cuddle. I try to avoid thinking sexually about her, and avoid looking at her fun parts, instead focussing on her face. Much better for my mind, much better for her, too.

If she were single things would be different, we have talked about this and it would have been different for the both of us.
But that's okay, really. She's just... such good company, and a good friend. I would never hurt or cheat her in such a way.

EDIT: actually I'm glad you asked, Lil' Devils, this has been weighing on my mind for quite some time and it feels good to talk with other people about it.

Well that is the truth of it. Cuddling isn't really helping the situation. It appears you guys have feelings for each other, and it is wronging your friend/ her boyfriend for you to be cuddling with her when these feelings exist if you value his friendship, and respect him as a person. It is " between a rock and a hard place". You don't want to cut off seeing her, because you value her. However, it is a situation that requires distance for it to truly be resolved.

Him? Oh I don't care about him. He's not that good for her, in my opinion.
But she is my friend, and I do not want to wrong any of my friends.
I don't want to cut off seeing her. I don't want to stop the cuddling, either.
Clearly, this problem is more difficult then I previously have thought.
I really don't know what to do, man. I've got a lot of conflicting feelings, and this needs to be resolved.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Look, this is just me, but I have a close friend, who happens to be a woman, and in a relationship, and yet we cuddle, hold hands, all that stuff.
And until I read this thread I had no idea so many people see something wrong with that.

It's not like I plan on stealing her or anything, we're just good mates.

I have never had a guy cuddle with me without him getting an erection.
So you are saying you have never had sexual thoughts about her? What if she were single and not in a relationship?

Well, I'm going to be completely honest here.
Sometimes, yes, I do get an erection or at least some movement when we cuddle. I try to avoid thinking sexually about her, and avoid looking at her fun parts, instead focussing on her face. Much better for my mind, much better for her, too.

If she were single things would be different, we have talked about this and it would have been different for the both of us.
But that's okay, really. She's just... such good company, and a good friend. I would never hurt or cheat her in such a way.

EDIT: actually I'm glad you asked, Lil' Devils, this has been weighing on my mind for quite some time and it feels good to talk with other people about it.

Well that is the truth of it. Cuddling isn't really helping the situation. It appears you guys have feelings for each other, and it is wronging your friend/ her boyfriend for you to be cuddling with her when these feelings exist if you value his friendship, and respect him as a person. It is " between a rock and a hard place". You don't want to cut off seeing her, because you value her. However, it is a situation that requires distance for it to truly be resolved.

Him? Oh I don't care about him. He's not that good for her, in my opinion.
But she is my friend, and I do not want to wrong any of my friends.
I don't want to cut off seeing her. I don't want to stop the cuddling, either.
Clearly, this problem is more difficult then I previously have thought.
I really don't know what to do, man. I've got a lot of conflicting feelings, and this needs to be resolved.

Well yea, it needs to be resolved. It isn't fair to you to be tied up in knots waiting for her to make up her mind, and if you put yourself in her boyfriends shoes, how would you feel if dude was cuddling up on your girl, and having feelings towards her? That isn't a good situation for anyone.

 

[ShipofFools]

Well yea, it needs to be resolved. It isn't fair to you to be tied up in knots waiting for her to make up her mind, and if you put yourself in her boyfriends shoes, how would you feel if dude was cuddling up on your girl, and having feelings towards her? That isn't a good situation for anyone.

Hm, You are right. I know you're right, with my mind.
But I can't stop. We give each other so much, you know? Something we both need, yeah?
I don't understand myself. This is not typical behaviour for me at all.

I don't know.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Well yea, it needs to be resolved. It isn't fair to you to be tied up in knots waiting for her to make up her mind, and if you put yourself in her boyfriends shoes, how would you feel if dude was cuddling up on your girl, and having feelings towards her? That isn't a good situation for anyone.

Hm, You are right. I know you're right, with my mind.
But I can't stop. We give each other so much, you know? Something we both need, yeah?
I don't understand myself. This is not typical behaviour for me at all.

I don't know.

That is what love does to people. Truth is it sounds like you have it bad for her and so bad you are willing to torture yourself knowing she is giving him all the parts you wish she would give to you. You are basically " supplemental affection" in addition to the affection she receives from him. Don't you think you are worth more than that?
EDIT: Do you really want to be singing this tune forever?:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4NeJeiYyjg

 

[ShipofFools]

Well yea, it needs to be resolved. It isn't fair to you to be tied up in knots waiting for her to make up her mind, and if you put yourself in her boyfriends shoes, how would you feel if dude was cuddling up on your girl, and having feelings towards her? That isn't a good situation for anyone.

Hm, You are right. I know you're right, with my mind.
But I can't stop. We give each other so much, you know? Something we both need, yeah?
I don't understand myself. This is not typical behaviour for me at all.

I don't know.

That is what love does to people. Truth is it sounds like you have it bad for her and so bad you are willing to torture yourself knowing she is giving him all the parts you wish she would give to you. You are basically " supplemental affection" in addition to the affection she receives from him. Don't you think you are worth more than that?

You're a good person, Devils. In my book, anyway.

I know that what you say is true, and I also know that I am not going to use that knowledge at all.
This is not how I am, normally. It's very hard to think about this.
I guess I am worth more then that, yeah.

Thank you.

EDIT: heh, look at me, talking publicly about these things on the Escapist forum. It must look weird to some of you readers, but trust me, it's all right.

 

[Lil devils x_v1legacy]

Well yea, it needs to be resolved. It isn't fair to you to be tied up in knots waiting for her to make up her mind, and if you put yourself in her boyfriends shoes, how would you feel if dude was cuddling up on your girl, and having feelings towards her? That isn't a good situation for anyone.

Hm, You are right. I know you're right, with my mind.
But I can't stop. We give each other so much, you know? Something we both need, yeah?
I don't understand myself. This is not typical behaviour for me at all.

I don't know.

That is what love does to people. Truth is it sounds like you have it bad for her and so bad you are willing to torture yourself knowing she is giving him all the parts you wish she would give to you. You are basically " supplemental affection" in addition to the affection she receives from him. Don't you think you are worth more than that?

You're a good person, Devils. In my book, anyway.

I know that what you say is true, and I also know that I am not going to use that knowledge at all.
This is not how I am, normally. It's very hard to think about this.
I guess I am worth more then that, yeah.

Thank you.

EDIT: heh, look at me, talking publicly about these things on the Escapist forum. It must look weird to some of you readers, but trust me, it's all right.

Honestly, I hope you meet someone that makes you forget all about her and move on. For your own good. Good Luck!

 

[Estranged180]

Right, what we need is a lot of rope and torture equipment, I can supply the van! We pick them up and make them spill the beans on what is really going on between them...

I'll bring the marshmallows!!

OT: I may be one of the dissenting voices in this one. You don't need to confront him at all, all he's going to do is lie to you. After all, he's already been lying to you the whole time. It's her you might need to have a talk with. And don't beat around the bush on this one, be as direct as possible. I'll explain why. There's no reason ANYONE should be there to 'cuddle' her except you. Unfortunately, this is one of the main dangers of a 'long distance relationship'. Oh, by the way, if she hasn't told you about all this physical contact, amongst other things, she's also been lying to you the whole time.

Be prepared for the worst has already been said, and truer words have never been typed. But remember, if these two are doing all of this behind your back, and trying to hide it from you, they're liars, and you don't need them in your life. Go out, get new friends, find a new girlfriend (the fact that you have one says you shouldn't have much issue finding another) and get on with YOUR life. DO NOT LIVE FOR THESE LIARS!

Captcha: For the birds
I do think even the captcha is trying to tell you something.