Girlfriend Issues

[Shakezula]

Hello, I've been having doubts lately about my girlfriend and I being together. We've been dating for a year and three months now. We met at school and immediately started dating when classes ended in spring of last year. In the beginning it was great, and then I did some things that I regret to this day. I lied to her about my past.
Let me explain, I'm a jealous person. So once I heard that she had dated another person and did things that she had regretted, I didn't take kindly to that. My instant reaction was to lie to her about my past to, I guess, make myself seem better than her. Not the smartest decision. Eventually it all unraveled and I came clean about it. She forgave me and we moved on. But, she became very "curious" and started asking questions, this was annoying. She would progress to look at my exs facebook page and calling me to ask questions about it. Just not cool. She had become very obsessed in trying to find holes in my story. I told her everything I could, but that didn't satisfy her and it came to a point where I was ready to break up with her over trust issues. As you can tell, she too, is a very jealous person. Anyway, we didn't break up. I confronted her about it and she agreed it had gone too far. So she held all the questions in and we moved on, again.
I guess I could add in a few details. I'm a selfless person who doesn't think I can do enough to make someone happy. I'm the boyfriend who, if you had a bad day, would drive to your house at 3am with coffee and open ears. I'm a romantic who loves to surprise my girlfriend with flowers on every occasion we meet. I don't have the best memory but I make up for it with my sweetness. I know that about myself, it's the guy I try and be. I try to be the best person I can be. I have my flaws, like I said I don't have a good memory, I'm jealous, If I get depressed...good luck trying to get me out of it. I'm emotional but you could never tell that I am. I hide it pretty well. If my girlfriend does something I don't agree with, I swallow it like a big pill and say I'm fine with it. I can't tell her how I feel because if I did, that wouldn't make her happy and that's what I don't want to happen. I want her to live her life like she wants it, while I live mine. But, I really can?t stand it when I get to see her go out with her friends and I just sit at home alone with the tv or my project car that doesn't work. I don't have the balls to tell her how I feel. And if I do tell her, I end up apologizing for opening my mouth.
Let me tell you about her, She's gorgeous. She's awkward (the cute awkward), funny, caring and charismatic. If I wanted to, I would talk about her all night long, but to save you the boredom Ill tell you what?s wrong. She's jealous, very jealous. Like, you can?t have opposite sex friends jealous. I deleted all the female friends contacts on my phone because I knew she would eventually see them and the questions would start again. That's one problem right there. I know my girlfriend pretty well. If I was the really jealous one in the relationship, I know she wouldn't do that for me. I got rid of snapchat for her (my one true communication to my friends) because she said she didn't like the app, and also that I was friends with girls (old friends) on it. My opinion is rarely right with her. I gave up soda for her. I love her but she wouldn't do any of these things for me. She also likes to throw things back in my face if we're arguing, like when I lied to her or when I went to a movie she wanted to go to with my friend one time. However, she?s done the movie thing to me many times but again I would never throw that back at her. Here?s another thing, she gone through my room, my phone, my laptop, my emails, and my texts just to make sure I?m not cheating on her. It doesn?t make me feel good when she can?t just take my word that I?m not cheating and has to go through all these things just to make sure I?m not cheating on her.
Here?s the sappy love part that we all see on these sorts of posts; I love her. I really do. I think she?s an amazing person who has the potential to really take the world on. I just don?t think I will be the one in the picture to make her happy. I don?t know if I?m happy. I can talk about how great she is all night and I can talk about how miserable I am all night long too. It?s an unfair relationship that I can?t change. I?ve promised her that I will marry her and that we?ll be together forever. All to make her happy, and now I?m stuck in this position. Anyway, thank you for taking the time to read this. If there?s any feedback you?d like to give, please respond.

 

[Terminal Blue]

You need to join the dots, I think.

You're clearly trying so hard to make this woman happy and that's great on a level. It speaks very well of you. But what you're also doing is creating a situation where she can't trust you. When you hide things for the sake of not making her sad what you're also doing is not really letting her know you, and how can you trust someone you don't know? If you are aware that someone won't ever tell you anything you don't want to hear, how do you know that there isn't something they aren't telling you?

I'm not blaming you because your intentions are really good and it's obvious you do these things because you see it as being a good boyfriend, as being selfless. But I would propose that being truly selfless means sharing all of your life with someone, both the good and the bad of it, the stuff which is going to make them happy and the stuff which isn't. That's actually the harder path for you because it means rather than having to deal with everything alone, which you know you can do, you have to deal with someone else potentially reacting badly and making you feel guilty for telling them. That's why I think it's genuinely selfless though, because it is the harder path. Trying to hide all the bad bits of your life so you never have to see how it hurts someone else is actually easier.

That said, you need to accept to yourself that her jealousy is kind of out of line with what most people would say is normal or proportionate. If her asking you to cut ties with all your female friends is something that's okay to you, then fine, but bear in mind that to me and I'm sure to a lot of people reading this that is really, really extreme. So yes, while I think you need to be more honest, I also think you need to ask her to be honest with you about why it is that she doesn't trust you.

I've been in an open relationship for years so maybe I have a different perspective on jealousy, but jealousy is not just a thing which is there and will always be there and which you have to put up with, it's more like a warning light telling you that there's something you're not dealing with head on. The key to making it better is to cultivate the kind of relationship where you can always deal with things head on. It's just a question of whether both of you are willing to do that.

 

[Smooth Operator]

Well these are the situations we learn from about dating and ourselves.
You (like many others) have set yourself into a master - slave position, you deemed yourself the servant and now shit is going awry because that situation is not an actual romantic relationship. You two need to be equal partners or there will be resentment building up until things go bat shit.
I absolutely do understand the desire to do everything for the other person, but unless the desire goes equally in both directions you will make yourself the servant to your partners whims, which might seem fine on the outside but you will get fed up with it and resent them for just taking from you without return. Even if you think you are doing them favours by "sucking it up" and taking the punches the end result is them lauding over you even more which ends in yet more resentment, by never outing your disagreement that shit will perpetually put you in a worse position.
And never for a moment imagine your partner doesn't notice your misery, the issue in these situations is they can only tell the relationship makes you unhappy but they don't know why. So people will by default assume their presence is the entire problem, which will in turn make them resent you. Hopefully by now you can see how destructive this whole thing gets.

The solution is a very painful "honey we need to talk" sit down, where you admit what sort of issues you have been causing yourself and what sort they have been causing you also. Now if you two are still in an understanding mood things should get better after this, and if the contempt for one another has gone too deep things will blow up in a big way.

 

[Metalrocks]

i also think that this cant go on like that. that you lied is bad enough and i can understand why she is skeptical about you. but still no reason not to allow you to be in touch with your female friends. doesnt matter what way of contact methods you use. also very low of her to snoop around your personal stuff to find out if you are cheating on her. if she cant give you the same kindness you give her, that another thing that this cant go on between you two.

i have been married for over 3.5 years now. sure me and my wife have our quarrels (unfortunately) but we are still together. the reason why it works out so well for us is; because we are honest with each other.

from day one on when we have met, i have told her that i have many female friends, what i do, like and dislikes, etc. the same with her. even when she wasnt too happy about it but she accepted and respected my honesty. so i can chat with my female friends without any worries, even when she reads the chats on facebook when im responding to them. also when my computer displays a wallpaper of lucy liu, she doesnt get too upset about it. why? because i told her that i like this woman. damn, we even watch every now and then some porno movies together on the net.

when we dont like something, we talk about it. she already had problems with me and vise versa. we talked it out, and mostly found a solution to the problem. thats something you should do as well. communication is the key in a successful relationship. and honesty of course.

 

[Jack24]

For a relationship to work you need to have many things but the main thing is communication. Neither of you trust the other one and when you're not happy about something you've done you can't tell her about it. This isn't good, you need to be with someone who accepts you for who you really are, who accepts your funny little personality quirks and still loves you. And trust is a major thing, if it's not there things can very quickly go downhill.
You don't seem to be able to relax in this relationship and eventually that will wear you down. You're worth more and deserve more.
That's not what you want to hear, I know. Good luck.

 

[poundingmetal74]

Deleting all of your female friends/contacts is a bad sign right from the get-go. Being in a relationship with someone shouldn't mean you lose your entire world just because of them. If you do breakup, you're even more miserable because you've backed away from your support system (friends) who can see you through such a time.

It sounds like you're walking on eggshells, and like Jack said above, you don't seem to be able to relax. If you can't let your hair down around someone who will be your significant other, there's a huge problem because it means you'll have to live this way for potentially the rest of your life.