"Girlfriend says she's fat" dilemma part 2 the saga continues

[Ando85]

To get some context for this situation you might want to read my other post "Girlfriend says she's fat" dilemma to get an idea of what I have dealt with so far with this situation. My girlfriend is very sensitive about her weight and often says she is fat. In the past I simply just say she isn't, try to reassure her, and then change the subject. Today she expressed how she had been depressed and felt she was eating too much due to emotional/stress eating. Against my better judgement I suggested that I had heard a way to stop emotional eating was to hold off for maybe 5 or 10 minutes and then the desire to do so might go away. I told her this was what helped me stop smoking and I had heard it also works for emotional eating. Her reply was "I don't care". Which in my mind I immediately thought but didn't type (this was a facebook convo) You obviously do care or you wouldn't of expressed any guilt about emotional eating. Then I get a sarcastic "thanks for making me feel bad". I then asked her how I made her feel bad and explained that I saw that she was expressing she felt bad about emotional eating so I was just offering a possible solution to stop and that I was not trying to make her feel bad. Then I get a "sorry you fucking hate me & are ashamed of me and think im this fat fuck, bye". At that point I explained to her that I understand she is sensitive about the topic and that I had no problem with her and think she is beautiful and that I am not ashamed of her. I then explained that the only reason I suggested the advice was because she had expressed that she felt bad for doing it so I was merely offering a possible solution. I also said that I understand how you might think it is implying that I think you are fat, but anyone regardless of size might feel they shouldn't be eating for any other reason than hunger. I then told her I would never say anything to make her feel bad and that I was sorry she took it that way. At this point I have not heard a reply back. I figure I have done all I could and just have to wait for her to accept what I meant and that I was merely trying to help. But, regardless if I have done nothing wrong she is still highly upset at me and refuses to talk to me. So do you think I have done all I could or can you offer any other advice?

Also might as well add that if you have read my other post as well as the "Girlfriend vs. Mom" dilemma post you may notice my girlfriend can be rather unreasonable and difficult. This is just a few examples of things and it has reached the point where I had considered breaking it off with her. It seems I can't go a day without saying something that she twists around. I can think of countless examples of otherwise benign statements, compliments or intended reassuring statements that had been twisted around against me. An example off the top of my head might be one time I told her that I missed her and was sad that I don't get to see her or spend enough time with her in person. This made her upset and she claimed I was implying that talking to her on facebook means nothing. One time it was getting quite late and I was tired and I asked her if she was tired. This upset her making her think I didn't think she was worth staying awake for and that I wanted to leave her and go to bed. Another time she was staying over and I woke up fairly early and couldn't fall back asleep. I just let her sleep and went to the other room to play a game to pass the time until she woke up. Later she suggested that I was bored with her and would rather just play a game than spend time with her and I should of just told her to go home if I didn't want her there. Another time I was on the way to pick her up and she had expressed that she wanted some gummy bears. I left to pick her up 10 minutes early so I could have time to stop at the store on the way and still arrive on time. The store I went to was out of regular gummy bears so I got sour ones instead thinking it would still be appreciated. But, when she discovered I got sour ones she was upset because apparently she wasn't worth the effort of driving to another store to get them. I then explained I would of but I didn't want to be super late. Then she then suggested that I should of left even earlier in case that would of happened. I could go on and on but the more I do it makes me wonder why I ever stay with her and perhaps I shouldn't. I believe the reason is when she is happy she is very pleasant and a joy to be around. I guess a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde situation. Sadly it seems the slightest thing can upset her. Perhaps I have answered my own questions but any further insight or advice would be appreciated.

 

[Phasmal]

I'm not going to lie, dude, your relationship sounds exhausting.

The only one who can decide if you've had enough is you. I don't know how long you've been together, how old you both are, how serious your relationship is. But ask yourself, you've said she's lovely when she's happy, how often is she happy? Is it that she's a great girlfriend 90% of the time and 10% unbearable, or recently is she more unhappy than happy?

I've previously had a relationship with a guy who was very into twisting words around to make me the bad person, or imply that I didn't love him enough. It's very tiring. And the downside is that it's very difficult to have an honest conversation about how their behaviour is making you feel without them turning around and making you into the villain for having feelings.

It might be worth trying to talk to her about it, maybe seeing if there's some help she can get for her insecurity. But I wouldn't be entirely surprised if it doesn't go very well. Only you can say when enough is enough, but don't make yourself miserable trying to make someone else happy.

Good luck.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Dude I was way too harsh on you in that first thread. Just get out while you can, holy shit, she is a terrible person.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

Damn Ando

I have a feeling, when she told you she felt depressed and so she eats, she was looking for reassurance from you (read emotional support). What you offered instead was a solution. There's absolutely nothing wrong with what you did in this circumstance, but it takes a person of particularly understanding nature to know that offering a solution is your way of trying to help. This is a situation a lot of problem-solving type people get into with their SOs and it takes a bit of awareness on one side or the other to get through it. My BF does this as well and I understand offering solutions are his way of showing he cares, in which case I make a point to tell him, thank you for your suggestions but it would also be great if you can just hold me for a bit. Tada, problem solved.

I say this because it's a situation you may encounter again with... future girlfriends, unfortunately with this particular girlfriend, I hate to say this but you need to break it off. You are not compatible, you are in a situation where you seem absolutely miserable. She is not in an emotionally stable place to have a functional relationship. I commend your incredible commitment to this girl and your strong desire to work things out, but there's a line. She very clearly has some soul searching to do and she won't accomplish that with you in the picture. For your health and happiness, please break up with her and find a girl who will appreciate the things you do for her. The things you've described you do that get twisted, really they aren't a big deal and the right girl for you might even feel flattered when you tell her you miss her.

The greatest kindness you can offer your girlfriend at this point is to let her go, so she can work through her shit. Staying will only enable her to ignore her own issues. It takes two to tango and she's not even on the dance floor.

 

[Ando85]

Dude I was way too harsh on you in that first thread. Just get out while you can, holy shit, she is a terrible person.

Yeah I can understand your reaction on the first thread without knowing about any of these other things. It was never that I didn't find her attractive due to being overweight or I wouldn't be happy with her unless she lost weight. But, as a person who used to struggle with my weight I found losing weight improved my health both physically and mentally. It just got to the point where even though she would often complain about her weight and if I was to ever do anything that even hinted at acknowledging that she was overweight was taken as an insult. That is the only reason I felt I was forced to lie to her. The exercise one might make this very apparent. She mentioned she needed to start exercising. I then merely replied with "Yeah exercise has a lot of health benefits" which she took as me saying she is fat and needs to start exercising to lose weight or I wouldn't be happy with her. Seems the only way to get out of that situation was to disagree with her and try to discourage her from exercising. You may have heard how "enablers" can have a negative effect on a person, but when the person is actually suggesting making changes and they are insulted by encouragement you could see it isn't a healthy situation.

I have thought about this situation overall and developed a term for it called the "Doug Funnie/Patti Mayonnaise Complex". There is an episode of Doug in which Doug sees Patti and is hesitant to approach her. He thinks up what to say to her but expects the type of reaction I actually do get from my girlfriend in many situations. Doug imagines saying "You look nice today" in which in his mind Patti gets angry and says "So, I don't look nice other days?". Patti who isn't insecure does not actually react this way but it was merely what an insecure Doug expected to happen.

I appreciate you acknowledging how you were too harsh in the other thread. I perhaps put off the wrong vibe in it but I think you understand more of what I have been dealing with with this added context.

 

[Ando85]

snip

Yeah, perhaps my problem solving/solution seeking nature is what is keeping me from breaking it off. Thinking I could somehow fix the situation when I realize we are not compatible. It is kind of like trying to charge a mobile device with only a USB cord when all you have access to is a wall outlet. The adapter exists but in this case it is likely a lot cheaper and easier just to buy a cord with an AC plug.

Also a problem exists where I attempt to talk to her about some issues she feels insulted and refuses. Anything that appears to be the slightest bit of criticism causes her to shut down. Perhaps I should walk away which of course will lead her to claim I did so because I feel she is not good enough for me and shes fat and ugly and I want a more attractive girlfriend. But, perhaps there is no smooth way to do this and I should just run and not look back. Thank you for the advice.

EDIT: Also forgot to mention. At one point I had suggested I myself see a therapist as she seemed to have convinced me that I have a problem recognizing the correct things to say in many situations. That perhaps I have Asperger's syndrome. She then said she didn't want me to see a therapist because the therapist might convince me to break up with her. If she fears a professional would suggest the relationship is toxic and needs to end that seems like quite the red flag.

 

[Eclipse Dragon]

EDIT: Also forgot to mention. At one point I had suggested I myself see a therapist as she seemed to have convinced me that I have a problem recognizing the correct things to say in many situations. That perhaps I have Asperger's syndrome. She then said she didn't want me to see a therapist because the therapist might convince me to break up with her. If she fears a professional would suggest the relationship is toxic and needs to end that seems like quite the red flag.

The more you tell, the worse it gets.

 

[Jute88]

Eclipse Dragon's suggestion sounds good to me. Your gf seems to have a whole case of problems, being fat being the least of them.

Also, if you break up with her, do it face to face, no facebook. Second, control your emotions when meeting her. Don't let her agitate you. Be calm and collected (=adult). Hope it works out for you. Oh, and remember to tell us how it went.

You know, for educational purposes.

 

[Tiger King]

apologies if I offend but your girlfriend sounds impossible to please.
She also seems to have a lot of issues which are being taken out on you. I would advise to get out now, as the relationship doesn't sound healthy for you.

whatever you choose, good luck to you my friend.

 

[The Almighty Aardvark]

When people discuss their personal conflicts they tend not to be entirely fair to the other party. That being said, even if you're misrepresenting her very heavily (Which I don't think you are), your relationship is not working. There are problems here, the biggest of which being that whenever you try to discuss them she lashes out. If you can't discuss your problems, things are not going to work out. The way she lashes out and responds to your genuine concern does not help one bit.

You've got three threads up here about her, the hospital one is terrible by the way. By the sound of things, you know things aren't working, and you want us to reinforce it. Which I'll do, something's not working, you need to talk about it or end things. If talking things out doesn't help things, you need to be prepared to end it.