Girlfriend....?

[Emperor Platypus]

So me and this girl have been going out for 6 weeks now, the problems however started about 2 weeks ago.

She has these moods from time to time that she needs some space so I gave it to her. We then had a short school break and she went home to see her parents.

Pretty much the entire week we didn't really stay in contact. At the time I didn't think too much of it. Just before she left she was still in need of some space and I just hung out with some mates so didn't think too much of the lack of contact.

She just came back and essentially told me that her feelings are worse than ever. She doesn't feel like any physical contact. She said she doesn't know where this feeling is suddenly coming from, or what the possible reasons for this is. She's never had this before and the reason she hasn't broken up with me outright is because the time we were together felt great both for both her and me.

So now we're sorta in a state in between friends and bf/gf. She wants to see how things go. See if her feelings for me come back overtime. I on the other hand feel pretty sh*t that my feelings aren't returned at all for no reason whatsoever.

We were friends before and I still like her as such, but now that I've had more with her I don't want to give that up, which is why I haven't called it off either.

Then there's the fact that she is my first real gf. I am very inexperienced so I'm wondering if I'm falling in the classical example off: "Not calling a relationship off while it's obviously no longer healthy to continue".

I'd like to know the unbiased opinion of the interwebs. So what is your view on the matter?

 

[SckizoBoy]

... question: these moods, is she manic or dysphoric (or both)?

In any event, it really depends on your honest feelings for her. As things stand, I would take a step back and just help her (as a friend, not as a boyfriend). I'm inclined to think she has bipolar disorder, but without knowing her behaviours and/or interactive propensities, this should be taken with a pinch of salt.

However, she is confused and she probably does have some (at least) mild psychological disorder. What she is confused about, I think is herself. Are you her first boyfriend?

 

[Galletea]

It is a tricky one. It seems like she may be regretting stepping over the friend line, and isn't sure how to progress. She likes you but she's not sure how much. The important thing here is that it has only been six weeks, and you give her plenty of space so it's not like you are smothering her.

I appreciate that you feel pretty shitty about the whole thing right now, since you know how you feel, but those feelings are kinda left in limbo. Does she know how much you care about her? I would see how it goes for a few weeks, if nothing changes, I suggest you both move on. It might be that you have to be the one to end it. She could be dragging it out to spare your feelings in the long run.

 

[Svenparty]

I think you should just be her friend and continue to see her that way and if something happens accept it. I have spent way too much time waiting for girls to make up their mind to know that you have to see her as a friend and keep your options open.

 

[Joshua Bold]

This sounds somewhat familiar. You don't want to drag out any lingering feelings like that. Sure, you might find some brief moments of happiness in there. But in the end if the feelings aren't being returned in kind, the relationship becomes one sided. Much of the passion is lost, and in the end it ends with a messy break up. Confidence in the toilet. End it on amicable terms rather than turning it into a cat scraped against the pavement (metaphorically speaking).

 

[Aurgelmir]

So me and this girl have been going out for 6 weeks now, the problems however started about 2 weeks ago.

She has these moods from time to time that she needs some space so I gave it to her. We then had a short school break and she went home to see her parents.

Pretty much the entire week we didn't really stay in contact. At the time I didn't think too much of it. Just before she left she was still in need of some space and I just hung out with some mates so didn't think too much of the lack of contact.

She just came back and essentially told me that her feelings are worse than ever. She doesn't feel like any physical contact. She said she doesn't know where this feeling is suddenly coming from, or what the possible reasons for this is. She's never had this before and the reason she hasn't broken up with me outright is because the time we were together felt great both for both her and me.

So now we're sorta in a state in between friends and bf/gf. She wants to see how things go. See if her feelings for me come back overtime. I on the other hand feel pretty sh*t that my feelings aren't returned at all for no reason whatsoever.

We were friends before and I still like her as such, but now that I've had more with her I don't want to give that up, which is why I haven't called it off either.

Then there's the fact that she is my first real gf. I am very inexperienced so I'm wondering if I'm falling in the classical example off: "Not calling a relationship off while it's obviously no longer healthy to continue".

I'd like to know the unbiased opinion of the interwebs. So what is your view on the matter?

A relationship ins't something where one part just takes whatever they want, and give nothing in return for several weeks.

It sounds like this girl either is a big B*tch that use you for whatever psychological pleasures you give her when she needs them. Or she has some serious mental health issues she needs to deal with.

In both cases it isn't fair to you, and I really think you'd be better of getting as far away from this girl as possible.

 

[gazumped]

Sounds like what I've been fretting that my relationship is soon to turn into. And we've been together for over a year and a half.

Sounds rather like depression. And if she really doesn't know where it's coming from it could be clinical depression, although I'm assuming that she's a teenager which means it could be developing out of hormonal changes. Either way it means that she's going to feel moody and negative with a lack of interest in physical affection. She may not want to contact you because she's so down that she feels that all you'll get from the contact is more of an impression that she's miserable and boring.

Of course, this is all just how I'm being with my boyfriend, (who I really want to stay with but I'm also worried that our relationship is 'unhealthy', but I realise it's only because of my crappy mood and I don't think that's a good reason to break up) so maybe I'm just totally reflecting my own problems onto this situation, but does it sound like it could be feasible? Might be something to ask her about.

And for your sake I'd say if it is something deeply wrong with her like that, don't feel guilty about splitting up with her. Sure you'd be really decent if you want to stand by her side and help her out but you're young and you haven't been with her long and it doesn't make you a bad person if you can't handle a person with psychological problems. And that's coming from the person who feels like she's in your girlfriend's situation.

 

[Batou667]

I'd like to know the unbiased opinion of the interwebs. So what is your view on the matter?

Short answer: I think that when a relationship has ceased to be enjoyable for one or both people involved, then it's time to call it a day. Tell her that you're ending it, maybe one day you can go back to being friends, but for now you're going to give her the space she needs and get on with your own life.

Long answer: This sounds like my first "girlfriend" (back in the mists of time). I stuck with her because she was the first girl who had given me the time of day, and even when the relationship didn't get off the ground (hell, it burst into flames while still in the hangar if I'm honest) I still stuck with her because I convinced myself that I should put 100% into the relationship, that it would be the honourable thing to be there for her when she needed me, that through my devotion she would learn to love me and when she had gotten through her "rough patch" the two of us would emerge stronger than ever.

In my defence, I was bringing to the relationship endless patience for her tantrums and silent periods, limitless understanding of her emotional "difficulties" (including the warped sense of perspective that somehow allowed her to cheat on me), total commitment to the idea that one day it'd all fall into place and we'd have a happy ending. I was the "nice guy". I was the "perfect boyfriend". I never disappointed her, upset her, offended her or contradicted her. I had all this going for me.

But there was one thing I didn't have.

Spoiler

Self-respect.

A relationship is about two people as equals. I'll highlight the important bits for you: TWO people as EQUALS. Right now you aren't being treated as an equal. That's not fair, and if the roles were reversed, I'm sure you'd agree that your girlfriend would have no qualms about breaking up with you. You're being strung along, dude. Taken for a ride. This whole relationship is one-sided, everything that happens is controlled by the girl and you're only being allowed to be a boyfriend as and when it suits her.

You going to carry on letting that happen?

Here's my advice; although the younger version of me wouldn't have taken it, I can only hope that you will. Leave her and enjoy your life. It's that simple. But you love her? You don't. True love goes two ways. She's the only girl you'll ever get? Don't believe a word of it. You'll never meet anyone else like her? Meet enough people and you'll realise nobody is truly unique. What I'm asking you to do, my young friend, is to realise that you deserve better treatment and to take active steps to better your situation.

If you were standing on white hot coals, would you leap off them, or let them burn your feet while hoping that they'll cool down soon and reassured by the knowledge that one day your skin will heal? You'd sure as hell take action. Do the same here. Make the moves yourself. Tell her it's over - you really care for her and you'll always remember the times you shared, yadda yadda yadda, but it's clear that it's not working and that she needs space and time to get herself sorted, so that's what you're going to give her. Also, don't forget that YOU need space and time (specifically, away from HER), so she SHOULDN'T assume that you're going to continue to be there as emotional support at her beck and call. If she emails you, ignore it for a couple of days, and THEN read it and POSSIBLY reply. If she phones you, let it ring. Put yourself first.

Anyway, here endeth the lesson. Good luck - and whatever happens, it'll be a learning experience for you.