Girlfriends and moving on! (Especially your first!)

[Lem0nade Inlay]

Hey guys,

First, I'm sorry, this is the second thread I've made, the first one was like a month ago but it didn't get any responses so I thought I should try again, I still need a little help.

I won't go into backstory, but basically my first girlfriend (I'm in my mid-late teens) broke up with me about a month ago now. We'd been going out for just over ten months, and she's in my group of friends and we all hang out together.

She was seriously the best girlfriend ever, I know that sounds ridiculous because she was only my first...but I mean, we never argued, she never bitched about her friends, we had heaps in common, she was beautiful and super cool! But alas, after ten months she said she didn't feel the same way as she used to.

I still want to be her friend, and she wants to be mine (we ended on good terms, no arguments or anything) but I still find myself longing for her, and being jealous if she does something with a group of people without me.

I know that's selfish, and irrational, but it's just hard and teen hormones are hard!

Nothing I can do will win her back, I know that.

I just want to know if there's anything I can do to move on quicker? I can't avoid her being in my life, she is still a close friend.

tl;dr: How do I get over my first girlfriend? She is still a friend, and a big part of my life, I want to move on but I don't want to lose her.


Also, sorry if there's any typos or random inconsistincies, I'm exhausted and I just decided to write this before I go to bed.

Thank you!

 

[JesterRaiin]

I can't avoid her being in my life, she is still a close friend.

If you can't control your feelings, it's time for Captain Stoneheart.
Ahem. Try to stay away from her, don't check her FB status, don't call, don't chat, find something (someone) else that'll attract your attention.

There's really no other way man. No "forget" pill, no "instant feelings suppression" card.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

I just want to know if there's anything I can do to move on quicker? I can't avoid her being in my life, she is still a close friend.

The first time you get dumped takes a long time to recover from. Threw me into a lengthy depression. Subsequent dumpings suck quite a bit too, but they're not USUALLY as devastating because they're not as blind siding.

It's good that you want to remain friends. That's a mature attitude, and it can pay off down the road with some really great friendships. Just make sure your motives are pure. Make sure you actually want to be friends, and you're not lingering around due to residual romantic desire. You need to be prepared for her to start dating other guys, and, if you're her friend, talking to you about those guys. If you're not up for that yet, you need to put "lets be friends" on hold until you think you are, or it's going to hurt like crazy.

As for how long it takes...I'm sorry man, it takes as long as it takes. It's a kind of grieving process, and everyone processes this stuff differently. As others have said, exercise, eat right, do the things you enjoy, and one day you'll feel more or less alright, and ready to wade out into turbulent romantic waters once again.

 

[SckizoBoy]

She is still a friend, and a big part of my life, I want to move on but I don't want to lose her.

After [user]Katatori-kun[/user] I don't think I have much to add... However, I will point out that 'moving on' and 'not wanting to lose her' aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. For now I can advise one thing: change. Not a big one, mind, just small ones. Put a little more effort into your work, or whichever hobby(s) you indulge in, or take up something new. A part of it is to take your mind off of her, but even though it may (from your point of view) be trivial, it will be quite marked to those that see you. By no means change who you are as a person, because that's hardly the point, but just change the way you approach those aspects of your life that together constitute you as an individual. Knowing what you're doing with yourself and your life is one of the things most attractive to girls. Maybe this is perhaps a tad too much in terms of... gravitas, shall we say, for someone of your age, but I hardly think it'd hurt. And besides, if you can go about your business with your friends/schoolmates etc. with a particular certainty about you, your ex might view you with a new found (and possibly amended degree of) affection, and it's not as though you're cheating to get her back (after all, what I'm recommending is changing yourself... for yourself, not for her). Or, failing that, who knows, another girl will take a liking to you first and that might not be such a bad thing after all...

Still, I'm much in the same position... a part of me wishes to have the days back with my first girlfriend, but it ain't happening, but unlike you, I will not have that chance...

Good luck, and don't forget to live.

 

[Obsideo]

I'm in the same situation you are. My girlfriend and I broke up last Monday after almost 6 months of dating and I feel like my situation is similar to yours in regards to how I felt about her.

First thing I did was I deleted all things that might cause me to have bad memories of her. All fighting texts, emails, whatever. For me, it was somewhat easier because we don't have the same friends and she goes to a different school. Try picking up a new hobby, like learning to play an instrument or something. I picked working out because I felt like it'd only help me find a better girl.

Good luck moving on man!

 

[aegix drakan_v1legacy]

I'm not saying you're wrong to feel the way you do, but never arguing is not a good sign in a relationship.

Mind enlightening me on why not arguing is a bad thing? Aside from the obvious "working through conflicts together brings you closer" kind of thing?

Because hearing this keeps making me worry needlessly about my own relationship when there's nothing wrong at all!

I mean...Me and my GF have been together a year, and we haven't really had any arguments...Well..Aside from some disagreements on food, seeing as how we're both picky as all hell, and this one time she got a bit upset at me (it was her time of month, and she had to spell that out for me) >_>

So yeah, please enlighten me.

 

[Vern5]

Snip Story

Alright, my good man. I'm going to have to be Senor Cynical right now because it might be just the thing to save you. I saw an earlier post about hardening your heart. Guess what? That is exactly what you are going to do.

Here's your first step to moving on: Stop hanging around this girl. Just stop. The only exceptions I can grant here are if she happens to be in a life-threatening accident and you just happen to be the nearest and most readily able to help her. Beyond that, do not be her friend. You don't have to be her enemy but, for the sake of your own sanity, she should just be a shadow to you, a human landmark of a time when you were young and naive.

Second step: hate her a little bit. Like I said before, she isn't your enemy and you don't have to antagonize her. But what exactly has she done for you? She broke up with you based upon the idea that she doesn't feel the same way about you. There's no changing her mind so you might as well accept it. But, she did hurt you. Yes, it was an inevitable pain but don't rationalize it. You don't owe her anything.

Third step: Widen your perception. We've all had girlfriends that are nice and brilliant and sexy and amazing and blah, blah, blah... The important thing to remember here is the word 'HAD'. She WAS something you could want but, apparently, something changed. Basically, she is no longer that perfect girl and do not delude yourself into thinking that she still is. She is a different person. You are a different person. Since you two are no longer functional together then there is no point on dwelling on "what could have been". I can tell you what "could have been" right now. Nothing could have been. You two don't work.

Final thoughts: Everything I have said is a bit harsh, right? Well, it's a harsh existence but it is not without its perks. You are now free to explore the female world again. The old cliche is true: there are lots of fish in the sea. Think about all the things you learned from the relationship. Why did it end? What were the things you liked about it? Be creative and start pondering the things that could have been improved. Don't fool yourself into thinking "this is as good as it gets". I've been there. If you look in the right direction, you'll find that it does get better.

You don't need to dwell on this girl anymore. All she really represents to you now is a dead end. It's time to change lanes.