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Fijiman

I am THE PANTS!
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A membership to a club no one has been a member of for twenty years.
 

UltraDeth

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A piece of paper (no-one else can see what's written on it, but it makes you recoil in horror)
 

Able Seacat

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A sword that glows red when there are stupid people near by. It doesn't work for me for some reason, it's always red :s