Ah good. I hope some people will read this. After 12 years in a grocery store in every department except bakery and Meat (including management), I'd really appreciate the following:
1. Don't be a lazy SOB. Those two pounds of cherries you got in Produce but suddenly don't want? Give them to someone. Don't put them on an empty spot on the shelf. If they go warm, we have to throw them out and we're down 12 bucks.
2. Freezers and coolers are two different areas. Just because you put the cherries with the frozen dinners doesn't mean they stay good. They are ruined. Same with cabbage, bananas, grapes, milk, cheese, take home subs, expensive steaks, beer and wine. Anything put outside it's proper temperature is thrown away. It's the law. Ask me again why our prices went up.
3. You know those food sample cups you take and then wolf down? Throw those away. Or, if you're too lazy, throw it on the ground. Don't put half eaten pasta bolognese on the cereal aisle. It's disgusting and turns away actual decent customers. And I have to clean it up. If you're too lazy to throw it in the trash, then throw it on the floor and let a person who makes even less money than I do clean it up.
4. When asking for the location of an item, try not to walk past it on your way to me. I have to maintain a certain efficiency, measured by cases per hour and you're screwing up my evaluation in two weeks, which determines if I qualify for my measly 3% raise.
5. If I do tell you the location of an item, the proper response is "thanks" "or thank you." It is not proper to look at me like I'm the stupid one on the aisle.
5a. Use the in store maps and overhead signs. See number four for my reasons.
6. If you're going to steal, just steal the whole damn package. Stealing two Slim Jims out of a box of five isn't any worse than stealing all of them. Just do us a favor and hide the box somewhere so we can scan it as known theft.
7. If we don't carry an item, we don't carry it. No, you did not purchase that box of organic buffalo puffs here last week. I personally discontinued that item seven months ago.
7a. And you don't know more than I do. You might shop here every week and spend three hundred bucks each time. But I'm here at least 40 hours a week. I stock 300 retail dollars in product in about two minutes. So, if we say something, we're right. At least 98% of the time.
8. Contrary to popular belief, we really appreciate you telling us if you spilled something. Don't walk away from dropping a $12 bottle of wine because you're afraid we're going to make you buy it. We won't. But if Grandma Jones and her cataracts slips on that spill, we're out millions and Grandma Jones needs a new hip.
9. If you see me standing at the check out with a sandwich, a bag of chips, and a drink, I'm on lunch. Store policy strictly forbids working while "off of the clock." Don't ask me for help. I feel like I could get fired for it.
10. Bringing a cart with you from outside before you enter the store is cruise control for Cool.
11. If you want us to help you load your groceries in your car, then clean it up first. Don't blame us if we can't find room to store your six cases of 24 pack bottled water and your trunk has exactly six cubic centimeters of space.
12. See those words on the key pad? Debit and Credit? Please tell me which one you choose, as they are two different things and my psychic powers only work on Thursdays. Which I always have off to spy on Soviet sympathizers.
13. Where do you think pie crusts are located? With the frozen chopped spinach? Try looking with...oh, I dunno, regular pies. Or Cool Whip.
14. We are a low volume store, and we don't have your organic tofu nutter crunch bars. I know Super Value Meaglo-Mall has it. But guess what? They have enough customers where they don't have to scan out the product when it goes out of date and net the store a loss.
15. MOVE OUT OF MY WAY DAMMIT!!!! If I'm holding a box that says Bird's Eye and I'm walking towards the broccoli, don't stand in front of it and freeze because you don't want to make eye contact with me. I'm not that scary of a person, really. At least when I'm wearing this uniform.
16. Move your conversations out of the aisle I'm working. I don't care that Uncle Joe had a vasectomy and you have new fungus on your toes (True stories) Just stop standing where I'm working.
17. Respect my work space. I'm supporting a 20 month old and putting my wife through college. I'm not doing this for fun. Say excuse me like I do when you cut in front of me.
18. Don't ask me if we sell bread and then get offended at the look I give you. Seriously, we get asked a lot of stuff, but we never expect something THAT dumb.
19. I am not a dirty person. In fact, my hands are cleaner than yours because I HAVE to wash my hands when I use the bathroom. When was the last time you washed yours, Miss Cleanfreak? Oh, and that five dollar bill you handed me is dirtier than the both of us combined.
20. I'm a human. Treat me like one.