My first movie review, yay! (The crowed cheers as they tear their clothes off).
I was watching Goldeneye the other day and come to realize that it?s probably the most stereotypical James Bond film to date. The writer and director do nothing to jazz the script up in any way:
The villain does something nasty for no apparent reason other then it?s evil. Enter Bond, who stops them in the explosive opening. He is later seen screwing (or about to screw) random girl who is never seen again in the film. Bond is called to track evil baddy. Bond meets evil baddies hot female sidekick in a casino showing off his rather impressive card skills. Evil baddy does more bad stuff. Bond screws more girls and so on and so forth until the movies action packed finale. And then Bond screws main girl a little more.
This time the stories about Sean Bean, an ex-double0 agent who was fed up with his job and decided to destroy London and cripple the rest of the world. I guess simply quitting isn?t in Sean Bean?s vocabulary. He then uses a giant satellite dish (surprise, surprise) to command some pre-coldwar satellite that can shoot an EMP charge that also blows stuff up by the looks of things.
The thing that makes this movie most like the other James bond movies is the fact that the ?evil genies? is actually a complete and utter retarded dumb arse in disguise. Even though the fact that Sean Bean was previously a double0 agent of the highest caliber he still seemed to be as smart as a ten year old with down syndrome. He in fact does a good job of making the viewer hate him as a villain because he constantly bickering how James managed to escape his evil clutches and foil his plot when better plots could have been constructed by a team of highly motivated preschoolers. Here?s an example: He beats Bond unconscious, great job, let?s put a bullet in his head and call it a day. But no! Sean needs to demonstrate his? actually I have no idea why he felt he had to do this. But Sean puts Bond and the hot Russian girl Bond plans to bonk in the next hour or so (who by the way is a computer specialist and knows all about the Goldeneye) tied up in a helicopter with its missile system planning to go off in a matter of moments and blow them both to hell. Bond narrowly escapes by hitting the jettison button and the hot girl and him go flying off to safety. Ok, so you?ve decided to kill him that way? that?s stupid but what the hell he?s you nemesis not mine, but why oh why did you leave the jettison button on the helicopter right by Bond?s head? I would have at least disabled it to give him a sense of false hope (the best kind of hope).
Further down the track Bond and hot Russian girl find Sean?s secrete base because Sean felt the need to expose his absolutely hidden base by shooting at Bonds plane, bad idea. The secret base is this huge satellite dish (mentioned previously) that is hidden under a lake that gets drained when it emerges. If I had billions of dollars to spend on building that thing I would have at least have kept some money aside to build a lockdown button, so that Bond couldn?t enter the base or trained my peons to actually shoot. It?s either the lack of knowledge to fire a weapon or the fact that everyone Sean Bean hired was a pacifist and were shooting blanks to scare Bond because they didn?t even hit him once. Now onto that lockdown part? easiest thing in the world to do would be to build a big metal door that no one could get in or out. You could even cut down on the amount of Peons you bought just to build one. There it was that easy. What can James Bond do if he can?t even talk to the bad guy and stop his evil plot if he can?t get past a huge impenetrable metal door? I would imagine he?d sit outside the front twiddling his thumbs until new world order. Hell, I?d let Sean Bean become the master of the world.
The thing that was new and different in this movie was the fact that they replaced Timothy Dolton (one of my favorite Bonds) with Pierce Brosnan. Because it was Brosnan?s first Bond movie they do a lot of close up shoots of him with his hair geld right and with a mean but sexy look on his face to impress the audience. It?s not so impressing now that he?s gone and some blond guy has taken over the lime light.
All in all it?s a typical Bond movie. Girls, guns, gadgets, villains and cars? oh shit, I forgot to mention his car. Picture this; Q gives you a sexy sports car that can fire missiles from the headlights, impenetrable and the works, what would you do with it? I for one wouldn?t give it to some fat arse annoying yank who I?ve only met briefly enough to forget his name in a day, but for some reason this is exactly what Bond does. He doesn?t even use the gadgets he gets with the car and tells the yank, ?[not to] touch any of the buttons.? What the hell Bond?! I would have bugged off and blown some dogs up or something.
Well that?s it. Another movie were Bond exploits the stupidity of the evil villain and his army of pacifists and stops them from blowing up England and stealing some cash. Congratulations Bond, you are more sharper then the average retard. At least he had sex with the hot Russian girl in the movie. I wish I was Bond.
I was watching Goldeneye the other day and come to realize that it?s probably the most stereotypical James Bond film to date. The writer and director do nothing to jazz the script up in any way:
The villain does something nasty for no apparent reason other then it?s evil. Enter Bond, who stops them in the explosive opening. He is later seen screwing (or about to screw) random girl who is never seen again in the film. Bond is called to track evil baddy. Bond meets evil baddies hot female sidekick in a casino showing off his rather impressive card skills. Evil baddy does more bad stuff. Bond screws more girls and so on and so forth until the movies action packed finale. And then Bond screws main girl a little more.
This time the stories about Sean Bean, an ex-double0 agent who was fed up with his job and decided to destroy London and cripple the rest of the world. I guess simply quitting isn?t in Sean Bean?s vocabulary. He then uses a giant satellite dish (surprise, surprise) to command some pre-coldwar satellite that can shoot an EMP charge that also blows stuff up by the looks of things.
The thing that makes this movie most like the other James bond movies is the fact that the ?evil genies? is actually a complete and utter retarded dumb arse in disguise. Even though the fact that Sean Bean was previously a double0 agent of the highest caliber he still seemed to be as smart as a ten year old with down syndrome. He in fact does a good job of making the viewer hate him as a villain because he constantly bickering how James managed to escape his evil clutches and foil his plot when better plots could have been constructed by a team of highly motivated preschoolers. Here?s an example: He beats Bond unconscious, great job, let?s put a bullet in his head and call it a day. But no! Sean needs to demonstrate his? actually I have no idea why he felt he had to do this. But Sean puts Bond and the hot Russian girl Bond plans to bonk in the next hour or so (who by the way is a computer specialist and knows all about the Goldeneye) tied up in a helicopter with its missile system planning to go off in a matter of moments and blow them both to hell. Bond narrowly escapes by hitting the jettison button and the hot girl and him go flying off to safety. Ok, so you?ve decided to kill him that way? that?s stupid but what the hell he?s you nemesis not mine, but why oh why did you leave the jettison button on the helicopter right by Bond?s head? I would have at least disabled it to give him a sense of false hope (the best kind of hope).
Further down the track Bond and hot Russian girl find Sean?s secrete base because Sean felt the need to expose his absolutely hidden base by shooting at Bonds plane, bad idea. The secret base is this huge satellite dish (mentioned previously) that is hidden under a lake that gets drained when it emerges. If I had billions of dollars to spend on building that thing I would have at least have kept some money aside to build a lockdown button, so that Bond couldn?t enter the base or trained my peons to actually shoot. It?s either the lack of knowledge to fire a weapon or the fact that everyone Sean Bean hired was a pacifist and were shooting blanks to scare Bond because they didn?t even hit him once. Now onto that lockdown part? easiest thing in the world to do would be to build a big metal door that no one could get in or out. You could even cut down on the amount of Peons you bought just to build one. There it was that easy. What can James Bond do if he can?t even talk to the bad guy and stop his evil plot if he can?t get past a huge impenetrable metal door? I would imagine he?d sit outside the front twiddling his thumbs until new world order. Hell, I?d let Sean Bean become the master of the world.
The thing that was new and different in this movie was the fact that they replaced Timothy Dolton (one of my favorite Bonds) with Pierce Brosnan. Because it was Brosnan?s first Bond movie they do a lot of close up shoots of him with his hair geld right and with a mean but sexy look on his face to impress the audience. It?s not so impressing now that he?s gone and some blond guy has taken over the lime light.
All in all it?s a typical Bond movie. Girls, guns, gadgets, villains and cars? oh shit, I forgot to mention his car. Picture this; Q gives you a sexy sports car that can fire missiles from the headlights, impenetrable and the works, what would you do with it? I for one wouldn?t give it to some fat arse annoying yank who I?ve only met briefly enough to forget his name in a day, but for some reason this is exactly what Bond does. He doesn?t even use the gadgets he gets with the car and tells the yank, ?[not to] touch any of the buttons.? What the hell Bond?! I would have bugged off and blown some dogs up or something.
Well that?s it. Another movie were Bond exploits the stupidity of the evil villain and his army of pacifists and stops them from blowing up England and stealing some cash. Congratulations Bond, you are more sharper then the average retard. At least he had sex with the hot Russian girl in the movie. I wish I was Bond.
