Grand Theft Auto, we need to talk...

[Some_Jackass]

It pains me to say this, but I feel like its time we go our seprate ways. We had our fun together, but its over.

I remember picking up Vice City early after getting a PS2. Because of you, I remember next to nothing in 2004 that didnt involve Tommy Vercetti doing something illegal. I can still remember that solid half hour being chased by the cops, the thrill of a high speed race that I didnt get from any other game. Not long after I made it a point to get GTA III on principle alone.

Then San Andreas came out.

I figured "!!!!" Character customization, my character (CJ) can scale fences and swim? Whats not to like? But alas, something was amiss. Maybe it was just all this wasnt as new as when I got VC, but I overcame and played as much as I could. It was still one of my favorite games.

Then came Vice City and Liberty City Stories. They felt more like repackaged games than new adventures. I wondered if you really had anything new to offer. This partnership of ours was reaching a strain. I was actually beginning to wondering if purchasing you was a good idea. But I took it in good faith since I bought both at used prices, and not the full $50...Still...

"Have no fear!" you said in response "GTA IV!" and like most inane fanboys, I hit the ceiling with excitment. Giddy with hearing news of a jawdropping enviorment and "even more to do!" I made a point to get you ASAP. So with all this hype GTA, it truely pains me to say this:

YOU FAILED

Flat out. Fail. Face plant into the sidewalk, tripped on the starting gate. FAIL. You took two steps foreward with graphics and the overall look of Liberty City to the point where Im shure people out there were popping stiffies, but you took one very big step backwards with the actual game. A pretty game means jack shit if playing it sucks. GTA, you got your priorities backwards on that one.

I mean, it still grew on my. My first impressions were that of a horrified nature. Hell I didnt call for a month after that. You were that bad to me (as bad as Hitler was evil)...I was ready to end it right then and there, but the need to still give you a chance grew and grew. I mean-you're Grand Theft Auto for Christs sake. If not for you, I might be waggling a Wii controller with the rest of the old folks home down the block.

I did give you another chance and I must admit, I judged you pretty hard right out of the gate. You werent that bad...but you were still bad (as bad as Jack the Ripper was evil...not as evil as Hitler, but still pretty evil)...

Fighting worked well as I found no greater satisfation over stabbing as many people I could find while pausing briefly to outrun the police when they grew wise to my game...and even the gunfights were fun, which was a nice improvement from the past...As good as all the fun parts were, your damnating problem are what did you in for me...

I drive the simplest sedan around and it feels like Im trying to control an 18 wheeler. I run and I still go slower than an old lady with a walker...and then all of a sudden Im warp speeding down mainstreet unable to stop unless you count ramming into something and flying out the windshield. I try a handbrake turn and instead I peel out and spin around 20 times like its a carnival ride. No thank you.

This leads me to the characters. Niko annoys the hell out of me, and HES the main character I play as. The silent dude from GTA III was cool, Vercetti was bad ass and CJ was alright...but Niko is a damn retard! Niko however is nowhere near as bad as his dumbass cousin. I wanna run over Roman everytime he says "Teetees!" And the "Girlfriend"...

One aspect of GTA games lately has been the idea of dating women in game. Im not sure HOW I tricked myself into doing it, maybe for lack of better things to do, but I took one chick out for a date. So we go blah blah blah Im about to take her home when as she rounds the car to get in, a guy drives by and plows her over. She lives and naturally I run over, yank the jackass out of the car and beat the shit out of him. (Nobody runs my date over and gets away with it)

So I finish feeding this guy a knuckle sandwich when it flashes on screen that my date has run off and is mad at me for beating this guy over...WTF?...Back in the day (especially in a GTA game) if a date gets run over and a guy beats up the driver, the girl (assuming she can still walk) would already be pulling on the guys pants so she could give him head even before the [dead] driver falls to the ground.

All of this BS aside, I return to what will hopefully be the redeeming factor for this game-scratch that-franchise. "Time to piss of the fuzz" I say as I carjack someone and proceed to cause extensive property damage and mow over pedestrians until I finally get the attention of a cop. "Time for another bad ass police chase!" I yell, but before I could even finish that sentence, it was over. Appantently the cops in Liberty City have an "Out of sight, out of mind" mentality.

If I knew all this going in, I wouldnt have bought you...I wouldve just rented, played, gotten disappointed and then returned you, pausing to explain to the person at the front desk that theres just something in my eye...
You're worth playing, Ill give you that...well worth playing...but not worth it in the end...

GTA, I cant take this anymore. You're still a good franchise but definatly no longer worth the aggravation. If Im gonna waste my time and money for something that isnt gonna love me back, Ill get a girlfriend. At least that has the outside prospect for some Hot Coffee...

Sorry GTA, but you're fired. Clear your desk out before Saints Row 2 gets here...

 

[meatloaf231]

Ok, so you didn't like the protagonist, his idiotic cousin (nobody likes Roman), the fact that the girl you are on a date with is freaked out by you beating a man to death (crazy driver or no), the very realistic (to a point of some irritation) driving system, and the fact that 1 or 2 star ratings are easy to get away from.

So pretty much everything about the game. Huh.

Not that many people are going to agree with you, but at least it was presented in an interesting way. Good writing as far as grammar/punctuation is concerned. Way too many "..."s though. It kinda broke the flow.

 

[OverlordSteve]

It seems the only real problems you had were Roman, (As Meatloaf said, everyone hates Roman.) and the driving.

 

[dukeh016]

Before the fanboys go nuts here, I'd just like to interject my own critism/applause. (The only difference is what my hand is slapping) I think you're writing style is a bit simpler than Yahtzee or Gigantor, but I can appreciate that. You present things clearly and certainly add a little humor (albeit a tiny bit forced) to the review. I enjoyed it overall and I think your actual content is worthy.

Perhaps when taking on such a vaunted franchise, it would behoove you to prepare your own defense in your review. I think your critiques are valid, but I fear the negative responses about "sandbox!" and "beating up old ladies is fun!" I would almost say your point is that this game doesn't bring anything new to the franchise and takes away from the parts you liked the most. I think thats a very valid critism, and I think it wouldn't hurt to put that in your post for self-defense. Overall a quality job.

 

[shufflemonkey16]

I actually liked it for most of the reasons you complained about. Good review, though you could have explained why you hated Niko and Roman so much.

I do love the delivery of the review being in break up speech form. The change to a firing speech thing at the very end was funny but kind of derailed that tone though, but it was the last sentence, so it's not really too bad a thing.

 

[Tizzle491]

GTA IV was my venture into the universe.
I can say at first I didn't like it, but then I picked it up again and never put it down until I had to return it...sure the cops are idiots, but it wouldn't be fun if you shot some jackass in the foot then unfruitfully escaped from the cops would it? I dunno, I'm not much for realism as I used to play CoH... I thought it was overall very enjoyabl

"NO! I don't want go god damn bowling with you Roman!"
"Okay, maybe another time!"
*click*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11NilNNrlR4

 

[the_tramp]

I know exactly what you mean my friend, I found GTA III and VC really enjoyable but SA to be a bit of a chore. GTA IV has toned a lot of the fun down for the sake of realism which is a shame because the ability to be an alter ego in an exaggerated world is great. They shouldn't just give us an existence that is the same as ours but then say 'buuuuuut you can commit crimes et al'.

I found the Hitler/Jack the Ripper comments a bit forced though. They didn't bother me but be prepared for lots of 'stop calling Hitler 'evil', he was a charismatic blah blah blah' comments.

 

[Spartan Bannana]

GTA was my favorite of the series by farm I disliked the cartooney tone of the others, and accepted the change to realism.

And the Sedan is supposed to handle badly, it's a cheap car with cheap suspension, and it's been said before but everyone hates Roman, and if you hate Niko than your not even human, he was the most realistic character and in my opinion the most likeable character in the whole series

 

[stompy]

I found the 'love letter' of sorts presentation kinda amusing, but it needs polish. It's an interesting way, and I'd love to see it again, but as it is, it doesn't sound right.

As for the content, you seem to like to nitpick, but not expand. The actual thing came as more of a rant, so try and polish your writing next time.

 

[Radelaide]

I liked it. My friend completely agrees with Roman being utterly annoying. I've said before, in another forum, I think GTA IV will be the last. They just seem to be trying to hard now

 

[Some_Jackass]

-I didnt hate everything about it...the minigames (darts/bowling/pool) were a nice touch and were very enjoyable, even if they deviate from the rest of the game
Also I quite enjoyed myself when I tried driving after getting drunk, for the while not noticing the terrible driving aspects since I couldnt tell if it were the controls or Nikos drunkness causing me to hit every last light pole...

-It wasnt just the sedan I had the driving issues with, btw, it was every vehical I jacked that seemed to have the parking brake constantly on...I just picked on sedans cuz they were all I seemed to ever have available.

-The biggest issue with Niko is that hes too realistic. Grand Theft Auto protagonists arent suppose to be realistic...theyre not suppose to be the everyman. Theyre suppose to be people in the mafia, or gangsters. Theyre bad people who look to get whats theirs using force as their only means to do it. People with enemies, who wouldnt hesitate to pull a gun on them. People who start turf wars. No fresh starts. No nice guys.

-I guess I never made my main gripe clear enough, which I apologize, and that is GTA 4 is just weighed down with way too much unnessecery BS and when you factor all that out it just falls short of the bar which every GTA before it had set. I would definatly have a better outlook on it if it werent a GTA game.

 

[Spartan Bannana]

Niko was realistic and that's what made him likeable, hell, CJ was a former gangster, he had tried to get a new start somewhere else.

 

[Jumplion]

I love Roman! Every time he wants to go see some "fake American Teetees" I always yell at my friend (whom I usually play with) "LET US GO SEE SOME AMERICAN TEETEES!!!!" And every time the police are after me when I'm going to the strip club I yell out "NOOO!! I MUST SEE THE FAKE SILICON FILLED TEETEES~!!!" It's so much fun.

But other than that, I agree with everything you said about GTA4. One day, Niko's saying a bunch of sarcastic jokes, the next he's yelling at Bernie that he could get killed, the next he's robbing a bank, the next he's worried about his sould.

He's a schisophrenic maniac I tells ya!

 

[Rshady]

Nice review, well written and I like the angle

I'm surprised not many people liked Roman, he was annoying, but still.. poor guy.
I personally actually like the driving and think it is a big improvement, it just takes time to get used to it. I always though that GTA VI's main flaw is that there isn't really anything to do after you have finished, no diversity in enviroments, no skydiving or crazy fighter jet battles like in SA. Oh and you have to like Niko

 

[sunami88]

I bought this game at midnight on release. Beat it two weeks later. I think the only other time I've booted it up since was to try the evil swingset [http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=evil+swing+set&search_type=&aq=0&oq=evil+swin] (and I've been around since the GTA2 days). I don't know if it'll help you but it did help me" after every mission I set my phone to "sleep mode" to stop the annoying ass calls.

Overall I'd have to say I agree with you. As it stands, I'll be waiting for a month after the DLC drops to see if anyone is still playing it. I will not be buying GTA 5 (cause we all know it's gonna happen) until I've played a sizeable chunk of it (rented/friends place).

I quite enjoyed your review. Well done.

 

[Colodomoko]

GTA IV did pretty much fail and as far as Im concerned the GTA series might end and will pass on the torch to Saints Row.

Yes, coming in the closest to GTA games I would half to say as long as Saints Row 2 kicks GTA IV ass in the long run it will very much be the new GTA and there-fore I would half to fully agree because I know unless GTA happens to comes up with a better and improved game over Vice City and San Andreas combined as it seems Saints Row will, then I will be there for your funiral. Thank you, but it seems we have come to a tragic end.

 

[falcontwin]

So basically your a massive dickhole? You don't like GTA4 cause you have to do stuff?

Worst review EVER!

 

[HSIAMetalKing]

(nobody likes Roman)

What?! You didn't like Roman? Fuck, Roman is the best part of that game.

 

[Some_Jackass]

Worst review EVER!

Comic Book Guy?

 

[the protaginist]

that was pretty freakin' funny.keep writing reviews,for the sake of the escapist.