guys and gals i need your help

[Oka]

i am a conflicted man.
(i am using a different account to what i usually post with as my girlfriend ocasionally reads this website)

i love my girlfriend, I've been with her for 6 months now, but she's carrying the child of another man (this happened 3 months before i met her).

i love her head to toe, apart from one thing; the parasite growing within her. i love spending every second of every minute of every day with her.

we are the double of each other we get along so well, the hours fly by when i'm with her.

i'd gladly marry her (though ive never said it too her). it destroys me to see her with that bump with that child within, and to think of her with anyone else is like having my heart ripped out and stamped upon.

i need your advice, i am truly happy with her, but knowing she'll be having a son (that neither she nor the fucker that left her on finding out wants) is soul crushing as every time i look at him i will be reminded what that bastard did...

Oka

 

[Berethond]

Have you talked to her about abortion? Although it sounds a little too late.

 

[Oka]

3 reasons she didn't go through with that 1; She's from the south of Ireland and its illegal there meaning 2; she'd have to go to England + cough up £3000 for the procedure (at least that's what she said to me) 3; she said killing it she couldn't live with herself

All perfectly valid reasons

 

[Lionsfan]

Damn, that's a tough one. I mean just because the child isn't yours doesn't mean it's going to hate you. If you're with this girl for the long haul and the real father isn't in the picture, odds are this kid is going to look up to you. So it sucks what that guy did, however a good situation could still be made of this if you're willing to give the kid a chance and move on from the fact that this other guy is a bastard

 

[Tron-tonian]

If you love her, love the child like your own. A friend ended up in the same boat. Kid is 20 now, and my friend is the only dad he's ever known - and a damn good one at that.

So be the dad the kid deserves.

 

[Elijah Ball]

well, it looks like you have two options.

adoption or raise him as your own.

 

[JezebelinHell]

How old are you and how old is she? You may think it doesn't matter but it very much does. Are you in school, in college, working, what about her?

To take responsibility for a child is a major step that will affect the rest of your life. It is also a stressful time for relationships. Pretty soon a lot of her attention is going to be focused on that baby, at least that is what you should hope for. You need to figure out if you are going to share that feeling unselfishly, since it isn't your child, and be able to accept that you are not going to be the main focus of her attention for many, many years.

At no point would it be acceptable for you to be bitter. You need to know where she stands with the real father, what role he is going to take, how much of a pain in the ass is he going to be to deal with, are his parents going to be your worst nightmare, and on and on. This relationship will probably involve way more than just the two of you. There are lots of variables that you are not including.

 

[Oka]

How old are you and how old is she? You may think it doesn't matter but it very much does. Are you in school, in college, working, what about her?

To take responsibility for a child is a major step that will affect the rest of your life. It is also a stressful time for relationships. Pretty soon a lot of her attention is going to be focused on that baby, at least that is what you should hope for. You need to figure out if you are going to share that feeling unselfishly, since it isn't your child, and be able to accept that you are not going to be the main focus of her attention for many, many years.

At no point would it be acceptable for you to be bitter. You need to know where she stands with the real father, what role he is going to take, how much of a pain in the ass is he going to be to deal with, are his parents going to be your worst nightmare, and on and on. This relationship will probably involve way more than just the two of you. There are lots of variables that you are not including.

we're both at university, we're both 20. the father hasn't seen her since new years and has made no attempt to contact her, on the other hand she has tried contacting him; it seems he want no part in this whatsoever, his parents are a bunch of alcoholics who have nothing to do with him either. ohh i forgot to mention he had another child in april so thats his main focus...

i know this kid will be her main focus for many years, and as much of a selfish bastard i am, it scares me

 

[JezebelinHell]

snip

we're both at university, we're both 20. the father hasn't seen her since new years and has made no attempt to contact her, on the other hand she has tried contacting him; it seems he want no part in this whatsoever, his parents are a bunch of alcoholics who have nothing to do with him either. ohh i forgot to mention he had another child in april so thats his main focus...

i know this kid will be her main focus for many years, and as much of a selfish bastard i am, it scares me

You never know how people will be once a child is born. Him and his parents either one could change how they feel for any number of reasons. Them being alcoholics I am thinking neither of you wants to deal with them but they could easily become major assholes when a child is involved regardless of him already having one.

If you cannot love that child as much or even more than you love her then personally I think you shouldn't be involved. If for some reason you think you can, then I think you should be the father. The one thing neither of you need is 3 other wild cards in the relationship. The one thing the child needs above any of your needs is to have parents that love him even if blood is not involved. It is a huge step to make and that child would probably be better off without a father as to have one that is so bitter about him. You can hate a step father while you grow up but at some point you have to realize that they tried to raised some other man's child and you can see how hard that can be for some people.

 

[Emurlahn]

i am a conflicted man.
(i am using a different account to what i usually post with as my girlfriend ocasionally reads this website)

i love my girlfriend, I've been with her for 6 months now, but she's carrying the child of another man (this happened 3 months before i met her).

i love her head to toe, apart from one thing; the parasite growing within her. i love spending every second of every minute of every day with her.

we are the double of each other we get along so well, the hours fly by when i'm with her.

i'd gladly marry her (though ive never said it too her). it destroys me to see her with that bump with that child within, and to think of her with anyone else is like having my heart ripped out and stamped upon.

i need your advice, i am truly happy with her, but knowing she'll be having a son (that neither she nor the fucker that left her on finding out wants) is soul crushing as every time i look at him i will be reminded what that bastard did...

Oka

Have you thought about adopting away the child.

If you need an argument then say that seeing as you both are young and probably not fully educated it will make it better for the child than if you try and raise it yourself and fail miserably (which there is a high enough chance of (no offence)).
Also, you should really tell her how you feel about it. If you really are great together then she will understand, and it (hopefully) wont be a problem. If not, well, you are still quite young and I doubt that you are really ready to settling down (I know I am not).

 

[aba1]

Well you could always go for adoption just tossing it out there you guys are pritty young to begin with. If that isnt a option and you have that much resentment towards the child you should prolly break it off if you can get around it, it would be pritty big of you to take the child as your own. I always thought of a father as the man who raised you and passed his ideals to not the dna you came from.

 

[geK0]

So you've been with her for 6 months, she got pregnant 3 months before you met her..... I guess it's happening pretty soon isn't it?
If you REALLY want to stay with her, then you should help her out as much as you can, whether that be financially or just by stopping by and giving her a hand. As far as I can tell you don't live with her (do you?) so your actual responsibilities are minimal, so she'll probably appreciate any amount of help you give (assuming that she doesn't expect you to be a father figure, which would be a tad unreasonable for a 6 month relationship). If anything, you can look at this as a chance to bond.

Inevitably, if the relationship continues, you will become attached to the child, and if you ever moved in with her you would essentially become its father; BUT you can sort of take comfort in the thought that you're not obligated to do anything until then.