Have you ever had an Identity crisis or something similar?

[EMWISE94]

Hi there kindly and cruel folks of the escapist, been a while since I made a thread and I thought I'd get back in with a bit of a personal dilemma. Lately been having what could be described as an identity crisis of sorts... or at least I think it is. Not so much a "who am I!?" more of a "Is that really me?" in terms of how I look visually.

See for the past week and half I've been getting more and more of a disconnect of myself whenever I look in the mirror, I'm somewhat of an eccentric man, and artistic soul who's work is equal parts colour assault and cartoony madness, the man behind the art though looks like the most plain looking dude ever... and its been bugging me really badly. I used to look more appealing to myself back when I relaxed my hair consistently and had a fauxhawk of sorts, but now it's just this shitty not-even high top fade.

currently working on changing my outward appearance to further look like i feel it should, but that's enough about me, now it's your turn! You ever felt like you weren't who you assume yourself to be?

 

[Dizchu]

Pretty much the only consistent part of my identity is that it is completely uncertain. I used to think it was merely gender dysphoria (which is a part of it), but it's actually more of an existential thing. I guess some would call me "non-binary" but I prefer to just regard myself as genderless because for a long time trying to describe my identity with terms relating to gender caused more problems than they solved.

In terms of how I look, I'm not completely disgusted but I am unhappy. Aesthetically I place a very high value on "feminine" physical appearances, with a dash of androgyny. I'm all over the place, feminine enough to look convincingly female in photos but not feminine enough to be able to live comfortably that way. I think I've done as much as I can do with my physical appearance, minus getting hormones. Then there's my voice which I don't like at all but hey, I managed to record an album with it so it can't be that bad.

 

[Silentpony_v1legacy]

The Truman Show fucked with me so much as a kid. I was convinced for years my life was a TV show and kept trying to find the camera behind the mirror, or catch my parents talking to staff members.

 

[Saelune]

Trans Escapists Roll Call!

But you're asking for more than just that so...

When I was little I used to pretend I was really an alien. I kind of believed it cause I felt very different from everyone. Even if I was comfortable with my gender identity, Id probably still feel unlike other people though.

I also humored the idea that when we go to sleep, we teleport to the future, and everyone I knew was actually a different version of them, and we all just make copies of ourselves for those awake when we go to sleep, since we never remember not having some form of consciousness such as dreams. Don't know if that counts, but trying to keep this more than trans discussion

Edit: Oh, and I'm a furry, but I don't believe I really am a bunny, I just relate to them, the feeling of always being in alert mode.

 

[Scarim Coral]

Kinda but my is more of an hertiage thing than it is about my apperance.

I'm British born Chinese HOWEVER I can never speak and write Chinese fluent nor properly (I can however listen and understand it most of the time). Also I just find it ever so irratating and awkward to be woth other Chinese people in a crowded area mostly of assumping they think I can speak Chinese too. (The holiday in China and Hong Kong was a nightmare for me.)

Even then despite being born in Britain, I don't exhibit trait of being British per say like watching footie, have a British accent or does drinking tea count?

Before you mention cusiune, I mostly have Chinese but I find it bland cos I have it everyday. I would rather try more curries or Italian etc (parent cook the food before you asked) and I'm not fond of the British fish and chip (I can't still have it but it's not in my top favorite foods).

Sure in the Star Trek reboot, Spock father mention that he is child of two worlds (well ok races for my part) but I just view myself to be either inbetween or neither.

 

[Addendum_Forthcoming]

Identity? Nah... I self-construct that everyday. Though occasionally I have to remind myself at a club that I'm no longer 23 and I can't do that much blow anymore. Does that count? I lead a pretty shallow existence...

I don't need to work for a living, because I make money from my investments. No family, a few friends, a metric fuckton of books and wine. I have everything I don't need, and probably lacking in things I do need but for the life of me I can't tell what they are. But I suppose if I don't know what I need, then I don't really need it. Or at least not yet...

I don't think it's healthy to assume you're missing out on something prior to realizing that you do truly need something you're missing out on. Kind of like worrying about a potentially cancerous mole instead of going to the doctor and definitely finding out if you have cancer.

What I think I'm missing out on is the doctor. I need to run into someone who'll be my one and only ... who'll tell me about what I think I'll need and I'll be in complete agreement. Given that they're hypothetical and I'm not, I'll probably continue doing what I do till I'm not me anymore because I'll meet someone who'll transform myself and my life so much that I can't imagine being me again.

One thing for certain is, I'm not going to worry about it until it happens.

 

[The Rogue Wolf]

I have something similar with my legal name. Much like Batman, it's not even what I call myself in my head. I've always hated my name.

 

[Neurotic Void Melody]

Identity is overrated. It is fluid and the being of your quite eccentric mind may just be trying to find a comforting anchor to keep a sense of personal stability. When you are consistently judging yourself, it can create many disconnected feelings. There may be specific causes, it is not for me to say. But do not worry too much about trying to find a personal "true" self. That is always ever changing and you can drive yourself even madder trying to find it. If you can, speak to people about it, people that may understand, professional or not. It is always better to understand yourself, not just your image. Hope that helps in any way. You are not alone *plays creepy ambient music for dramatic effect*

 

[Evil Moo]

It's not quite an identity issue, but there is an unreconcilable conflict inside me that has been particularly prominent for the past year or so. I currently have a strong desire to be in a deep, close friendship and or intimate relationship of some sort. At the same time I have a strong aversion to most typical social environments and activities, which makes forming and maintaining any kind of social relationship pretty much impossible. As I see it, I have a choice between complete loneliness or the stress, misery and exhaustion of trying to be social (and probably still loneliness, because no one is going to go out of their way to get close to the weird, awkward guy that clearly doesn't want to be there).

Currently I have opted for complete loneliness sans socialising, so my only regular contact with other people is now my immediate family, my 3 colleagues at work (one of which is my cousin and the others are the owners of the company), and the occasional people that shout things at me in the street when I'm walking to work. I've even deactivated my Facebook account, which was my last thread of connection to people I used to know and like. I was finding it unpleasant to see the highlights of lives I'll never be involved in again.

Even when I did still have friends, none of them were particularly close and all of them were a result of simply being in the same room for extended periods of time, generally through school or college. On the rare occasion that one would invite me to do something social, I would increasingly refuse because, having involved myself with similar activities in the past and found them to be hellish in nature, I would rather not subject myself to them again. I suspect my repeated rejection served only to push my friendships apart until they were gone entirely. Couple that with me no longer being in a position to easily meet new people and I can only see a future of isolation for me. In fact I think I've been getting worse at making friends as I grow older. People often cite university as being a place where you could find your life partner and some life-long friendships. Meanwhile, I left university with maybe one friend that I'm no longer in contact with.

I feel cornered by my own mind, caught between the innate drive for social fulfilment and the experiential forces pushing me away from those things, while the consciousness that I actually consider to be 'me' is mostly just along for the ride. It is an internal contradiction that serves only to torment me. Action or inaction will both result in pain. There's nothing I can do to avoid it. At this point it feels like it would be easier to remove the desire than to try to fulfil it...

 

[DudeistBelieve]

I'll tell you honestly, yeah probably for quite some time now.

We got so many fucking labels going on, and people have so many preconcieved notions how you should act based on this or that. It really is fucking madness. Like suddenly if you're a gay guy you're also not suppose to be violent or some shit. Or liking this thing means your that or this.

Everyone wants you to fit into a particular mold, and well, I'll you I don't fit well into molds. I don't consider myself trans at all, I'm quite comfortable being a dude, but I tell ya I damn sure want a Neptune Hoody so whats that say about me? Does it even matter? Fuck if I know.

Best thing I heard lately is to just live your life. Learn things about yourself. Also, accept things about yourself. That last bit I'm still kinda wrestling with cause some of the truths I've discovered about myself I don't really like... but the worst thing you can do is lie to yourself.

Is it normal? Abnormal? well I look at this way, nothing in this fucking universe makes any sense. We shouldn't even exist, so when you look at it like that, all the cards are on the table.

Identity is overrated. It is fluid and the being of your quite eccentric mind may just be trying to find a comforting anchor to keep a sense of personal stability. When you are consistently judging yourself, it can create many disconnected feelings. There may be specific causes, it is not for me to say. But do not worry too much about trying to find a personal "true" self. That is always ever changing and you can drive yourself even madder trying to find it. If you can, speak to people about it, people that may understand, professional or not. It is always better to understand yourself, not just your image. Hope that helps in any way. You are not alone *plays creepy ambient music for dramatic effect*

This I agree with.

 

[DudeistBelieve]

It's not quite an identity issue, but there is an unreconcilable conflict inside me that has been particularly prominent for the past year or so. I currently have a strong desire to be in a deep, close friendship and or intimate relationship of some sort. At the same time I have a strong aversion to most typical social environments and activities, which makes forming and maintaining any kind of social relationship pretty much impossible. As I see it, I have a choice between complete loneliness or the stress, misery and exhaustion of trying to be social (and probably still loneliness, because no one is going to go out of their way to get close to the weird, awkward guy that clearly doesn't want to be there).

Currently I have opted for complete loneliness sans socialising, so my only regular contact with other people is now my immediate family, my 3 colleagues at work (one of which is my cousin and the others are the owners of the company), and the occasional people that shout things at me in the street when I'm walking to work. I've even deactivated my Facebook account, which was my last thread of connection to people I used to know and like. I was finding it unpleasant to see the highlights of lives I'll never be involved in again.

Even when I did still have friends, none of them were particularly close and all of them were a result of simply being in the same room for extended periods of time, generally through school or college. On the rare occasion that one would invite me to do something social, I would increasingly refuse because, having involved myself with similar activities in the past and found them to be hellish in nature, I would rather not subject myself to them again. I suspect my repeated rejection served only to push my friendships apart until they were gone entirely. Couple that with me no longer being in a position to easily meet new people and I can only see a future of isolation for me. In fact I think I've been getting worse at making friends as I grow older. People often cite university as being a place where you could find your life partner and some life-long friendships. Meanwhile, I left university with maybe one friend that I'm no longer in contact with.

I feel cornered by my own mind, caught between the innate drive for social fulfilment and the experiential forces pushing me away from those things, while the consciousness that I actually consider to be 'me' is mostly just along for the ride. It is an internal contradiction that serves only to torment me. Action or inaction will both result in pain. There's nothing I can do to avoid it. At this point it feels like it would be easier to remove the desire than to try to fulfil it...

I kinda have the same anti-social life thing going on. Outside of the internet, I honestly don't have a real social life.

Hang in there buddy. I've found it helps to just put myself around people, even if I am alone. I go to the movies, ya know it's not much but at least I get to feel normal for a little bit.

also, don't discount internet friends. I got quite a nice little internet family growing on Twitter. It helps. lot of good people on there.

 

[Catnip1024]

Nope. Don't know whether it's egotism or lack of an ego, but I have never even tried to identify myself. I am me. The rest of the world changes, but I am still me. Sure, there are different versions of me - Past Me, for example, is an idiot who failed to wash the dishes - but if you are worrying about who you are "meant" to be, you are overthinking it.

Wearing stupid clothes happens, but I blame it on the clothes ambushing me...

 

[Evil Moo]

I kinda have the same anti-social life thing going on. Outside of the internet, I honestly don't have a real social life.

Hang in there buddy. I've found it helps to just put myself around people, even if I am alone. I go to the movies, ya know it's not much but at least I get to feel normal for a little bit.

also, don't discount internet friends. I got quite a nice little internet family growing on Twitter. It helps. lot of good people on there.

I suppose putting myself around people more often would probably help, but I fear it will take a while to kill the anxiety that comes with it. The more people that are around, the more paranoid and self-conscious I feel. It is always a relief when I can walk to or from work without having to walk past someone. I keep trying to tell myself that no one gives me a second glance, but the occasional people who decide to voice their judgement of me, prove that wrong. I can only wonder how many people are judging me silently. It would also help if I actually felt like doing anything these days. Why would I go outside when there is nothing for me there? Why would I go to the movies when there is never anything I want to watch? Why would I go into the town centre when I don't want to buy anything?

As for internet friends, I don't think I really have any, despite spending 90% of my time on the internet. Sure, there are sometimes people I like and people I've had small positive interactions with, but that's about as far as it goes. Sometimes it feels like I get the most interaction out of people when I do depressing posts like this.

I think most of my problem is a mix of no social curiosity (so I won't ever think to ask anyone about their life or interests, thus never giving anyone a reason to actually talk to me) and a fear of being too intrusive (if I did think to probe into someone's life, I wouldn't do it, because why would they want me, a random stranger, to know anything about them?). This means I only really interact with others if they initiate it, which almost never happens, online or off. If someone were to just start talking to me about something out of the blue, I would happily respond until they stopped. This has only happened to me once and it lasted about a month before the other person stopped responding without warning. Other than that, the internet is more or less just a wall to throw my comments at. Maybe people see the comments, maybe some leave their own in response to mine, but very rarely do I actually feel properly in contact with another person on a deeper level than that.

 

[KyuubiNoKitsune-Hime]

currently working on changing my outward appearance to further look like i feel it should, but that's enough about me, now it's your turn! You ever felt like you weren't who you assume yourself to be?

Actually I have, between about the age of 11 to 16, before I started HRT, and up through 18 when I started to show some progress. Being that I'm trans came out young, socially transitioned young, was on blockers, so I developed after everyone else I knew did. There was a time I felt very out of place, like a small child advanced to middle school.

But now that's been little more than a memory that fades over time. I have a very diverse wardrobe ranging from lolita fashion, to other feminine and unusual things, to casual stuff, most of it fairly juvenile . As I'm super girly anyways, plus I refuse to grow up, my diverse wardrobe fits who I am very well. Especially because outside of pajamas it's virtually devoid of pants and shorts, Skirts and dresses only for me, thank you very much! Tho Most of my shoes are either high heeled or wedges too, I have difficulties wearing flats. I also keep a rainbow and then some of hair dyes that washout easily, so I change my hair color to suit my mood on frequent basis. I keep my hair in a perpetual hime-cut bob, very long in the back... Also plenty of variety in my cosmetics to suit whatever style I'm sporting. So I don't really have any major issues with my outer appearance, I can match to my mood easily. I only have a problem when I can't be bothered to do anything about my appearance on a lazy, or depressed day.

-snip-

I see you're having trouble with social situations due to social anxiety. I have that issue myself. Even though people think of me as a social butterfly, I'm really not, I can fake it, but I much prefer to keep to myself and my close friends. I'm not sure if this will help, but if you can go out drinking, that will help with the social anxiety, just don't over do the drinking. Sometimes you meet really cool people out at the local pub, or bar. Just a penny for your thoughts, might be worth a try, makes a nice special treat.

 

[FalloutJack]

"To the Batmobile!"

No, I've never had this, to be honest.

 

[Evil Moo]

I see you're having trouble with social situations due to social anxiety. I have that issue myself. Even though people think of me as a social butterfly, I'm really not, I can fake it, but I much prefer to keep to myself and my close friends. I'm not sure if this will help, but if you can go out drinking, that will help with the social anxiety, just don't over do the drinking. Sometimes you meet really cool people out at the local pub, or bar. Just a penny for your thoughts, might be worth a try, makes a nice special treat.

Unfortunately that is yet another part of the problem. I can't stand alcohol. It just tastes like acid to me. I've never been able to force myself to drink enough to feel the effects. Also, given that pretty much every social setting seems to involve drinking, at best I end up being the one sober person in the room, which isn't a great experience. Whenever I was out with friends in the past, it would invariably turn into a game of trying to get me to drink in some misguided attempt to get me out of my shell. It grows tiresome after a while.

 

[happyninja42]

If you are talking about a purely physical reflection, then yeah. Since I've gotten older, my physical appearance has changed to something that I don't feel is "me", even though it damn well is, because it's the me I let develop with my lifestyle.

If you mean in the existential sense, then again yes, I've wondered about the person I've become, compared to who I was before. I think we all do that at one point or other in our lives.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

Identity is overrated. It is fluid and the being of your quite eccentric mind may just be trying to find a comforting anchor to keep a sense of personal stability. When you are consistently judging yourself, it can create many disconnected feelings. There may be specific causes, it is not for me to say. But do not worry too much about trying to find a personal "true" self. That is always ever changing and you can drive yourself even madder trying to find it. If you can, speak to people about it, people that may understand, professional or not. It is always better to understand yourself, not just your image. Hope that helps in any way. You are not alone *plays creepy ambient music for dramatic effect*

Well said. One's perception of self can and will change with time. It's figuring out how to live with how you think, act and learning how to change one's behavior that can be maddening at times. Its a small comfort, yet a comfort nonetheless, that everyone deals with this. To the people who have gender identity and racial elements of their personality judged by themselves and others on a daily basis, I can only offer my sincere sympathy. The world we're born into is full of inequalities, intolerance and perceptions of inequalities and intolerance; but it's important to remember you are of most value in whatever mental construct that brings you peace of mind. Not the constructs others assign to you.

 

[McElroy]

Unfortunately that is yet another part of the problem. I can't stand alcohol. It just tastes like acid to me. I've never been able to force myself to drink enough to feel the effects. Also, given that pretty much every social setting seems to involve drinking, at best I end up being the one sober person in the room, which isn't a great experience. Whenever I was out with friends in the past, it would invariably turn into a game of trying to get me to drink in some misguided attempt to get me out of my shell. It grows tiresome after a while.

You simply have to acquire the taste completely without dignity. I'm talking about "lite orange beer" or the like and even going as far as diluting white wine with Sprite (or red with Coke for the real madman strats). The fact is that you're not special and you will eventually learn to have a drink if you want to. And now after writing this I realize it'd be a solo journey for you for starters at least. In that case... Shit. Just keep all this in mind, k?

OT: Maybe as a pubescent teen. Then manliness took over. RIP thin McElroy. Frankly, my current loner "identity" is the fault of other people and unlucky circumstances. Why blame others? Well, I can make friends easily, but somehow it always seems like "friend" is too strong of a word, as practically nobody wants anything to do with me outside of being very informal "pals" or "buddies" or something. Sure, that may be my "fault", but I'm just being myself and thus I find it unfair to blame myself much if at all.