Help with prospective girlfriend
- Thread starter Eri
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Just a question, do you have any proof that she's a complusive liar?
So far you've just said that she lies without any examples or evidence so you might just have a case of just getting the wrong end of things (one must wonder how you and her got together if she has an issue with honesty).
So far you've just said that she lies without any examples or evidence so you might just have a case of just getting the wrong end of things (one must wonder how you and her got together if she has an issue with honesty).
Mine didn't even tell her closest friends about me. And she lied to me about not telling them.ethaninja said:
Then she didn't talk to me for over a month, and I couldn't for the life for me figure out why. Turns out, she was "busy" playing with dogs.
For one month.
Ya know, maybe a gaming forum isn't the best place to ask for advice about girls. Just saying...
Dude you make it sound like your in the market for getting a car.....Jiraiya72 said:
Seriously though, advice from someone whose been there, done that and wore the T-shirt of embarrassment though
KEEP
YOUR
DISTANCE!!!
Stay friends see if she outgrows it or what ever but do not get involved or indulge her. When i was in my last couple years of high school i was with a girl like this who i really loved and she lied about little things all the time and i just thought ok what ever its not important and just ignored it.
Then she started saying her dad was abusing her, but begged me not to get involved making me miserable and very angry cos im not the kind of person to just let that shit happen so after about 2 weeks of me going insane, trashing stuff and picking fights with people i saw bullying anyone she broke her arm and said her dad did it. I lost it that day to a degree i didn't know i was capable of and made a total ass out of myself as when i confronted him it turns out she had been making it all up all along
So after that i never trusted her, could never tell if she was genuine and couldn't believe she had put everyone through that. You will only end up getting hurt and going to a place you don't really wana go, people like that either don't care what they do to others or are just so self absorbed that they don't even realize it and i can't work out which is worse.
The first thing you need to realize is that there are several types of liars, as well as several ways to lie. Judging by your description, your girl is a pathological or compulsive liar. Most pathological liars are either "actors" or "situational" liars. "Actors" lie to boost their own self esteem by embellishing stories, and not usually through omission. "Situational" liars, on the other hand, will usually omit or attempt to distort facts. So, your first step should be to figure out why she is lying. Does she have poor self esteem or a poor self image (remember, looks are not the only contributing factor in self image)? Or, does she lie to further her own goals? If she lies to make herself feel better, then your best bet is to encourage her to seek counseling from an expert. If, however, she lies to further her own agenda, then she is a borderline sociopath. Keep in mind I am using the psychological definition here. I am not saying she will murder you for the insurance money, simply that she puts her own needs above those of everyone else. If she is this type of liar, then there is really no way to try and "change" her habit. And she will always put her own needs in front of yours, causing you to feel resentful toward her, and perhaps destroy your self image.Jiraiya72 said:
That being said; from a personal perspective, I would stay away. Do not let this person into your life because no matter what type of liar she is, she will be able to "profile" you to figure out the best way to manipulate you. Trust me on that. She lies often because she has gotten away with it so often in the past because she is able to "read" people and learn their personalities very quickly. That is why you think she is so great. She has already profiled you and adapted her personality to gain your trust, just in case she needs you later. Do not let her close to you. I am working toward my Ph.D. in behavioural psychology, so please, think about all this before you end up on a couch somewhere. And trust that I know what I am talking about.
Well this is just me, because I do the same thing she does, but I'd make a game of it, see if you can tell when she's telling the truth and when she's lying, and when you get it wrong really ham it up (e.g. "You were lying? D'oh! How about that time? Then too!?! Hurp a durr) eventually she'll cotton on that it's not a big deal and will have fun with it, warming to you in the process, and she'll start telling lies/truths that directly benefit you.
She will go on about how her family is kind of poor (and they are, I've seen) but then when I started talking about Italian stuff one night she went on about how her family has a villa there and her parents speak fluent Italian. She was ADAMANT about it being true. At that point I was pretty much just "whatever" and changed the topic. That's just one of the many things.Iron Mal said:
Start talking about things you both hate..Then say "I hate it when people just tell pointless lies! Don't you?"
That way your hinting towards it without confrontation.
That way your hinting towards it without confrontation.
Have you overlooked the possibility that she was referring to extended family (from what you've sad I believe I have made a very reasonable guess)?Jiraiya72 said:
My family does alright but I do have family who are in trouble (financially speaking) so I can see where confusion like that can arise.
Don't get me wrong, it's a very easy mistake to make and it's totally understandable (we all do it).
Also, you said that her family isn't too well off, maybe she's trying to sound a little bit better for you? (give someone a choice between admitting that they're poor or that their [extended] family owns a Villa in italy and it's pretty obvious which one someone would be more comfortable to talk about).
If it could get in the way of your relationship then it won't be good to go rushing into one with someone like that. If you just want a short fling then go for it, otherwise she doesn't sound like she would make for a good long term partner.
I think I know the type you're talking about. They're not necessarily pathological liars, they don't particular benefit from the lies, but it gives them a certain ego/confidence/saving face boost. I've known all sorts of liars who lied very consistently, and they're not necessarily harmful. For the most part, there's nothing you can really do about the lying. You can only *hope* that she will eventually mature out of the phase (and yes, it can happen). You have to just kinda follow your gut to see if it's worth a shot, but always understand the risk you're taking, and the very real chance that the relationship is fundamentally flawed. I can vouch for the fact that I've known people who've dated "liars" and have been unharmed; outside of a few tall tales, the "liar" never violated their trust to an extent that the relationship was ended. But whether or not it's worth going after this girl is entirely your call, but whatever you do, don't go in without knowing the risks (ie: that you have a very high chance of being betrayed and/or hurt as a result of a relationship) and don't go in expecting that you'll be the one that can change her.
people lie to see if the get away with it, the thrill, boosting oneself, or just to lie, and if they lie about small things they will resort to lieing about the big important things
run away as quick as you bloody well can
run away as quick as you bloody well can
Depending on your existing relationship with this girl her lying may be completely and totally not your business. Are we talking close friend or nodding acquaintance, or someone you've actually been on a date with? Either way, if you're only thinking about this as a measure of her suitability for dating, you're getting a little bit ahead of yourself. It sounds like the lying thing is a deal-breaker for you, and if it's such a major aspect of her behaviour then you don't actually want her, you want a revised version of her altered to suit your needs: waste of time. Find someone you love as they are and whose faults you can come to terms with. Trying to change people is not your job, nor your right, and you have no business telling this girl how to run her life.
Go for it. I mean, you like this girl enough to be considering it despite the minor lying and what is the worst that can happen? She lies to you about something important? You can't exactly say it'd be a huge surprise that shakes you to your core. Don't get too serious about it, just have some fun and see what happens. Worst comes to the worst, all you'll gain is another ex.