Here we go, joining the 'girl advice' train. Toot toot.

[HateDread]

Hey all,

Imma try keep this 'ere thread short...

Old Facebook friend I hadn't talked to that much before, or in ages, invited me out last Saturday, but she ended up coming over instead. Things went well, and I saw some good signs later in the night (some positive body language - hair flicking/playing, etc). Importantly, she initiated the plans - invited me along as she did errands mid-hangout that night, etc. And yesterday she started texting me on her work break, and when she finished, until late that night. The conversation was flirty at times, and we get along really well, it seems. Many laughs had.

But, I have no idea how to go about this, now. It's 6:30pm, and no talk all day. I don't wanna friend-zone her, and miss out, but I don't wanna seem desperate or crowd her. No idea how long I should wait before I try talking to her, or if I should let her do it, or even if I should call her, invite her somewhere, etc.

Any advice would be lovely I'm happy to do anything reasonable suggested (I won't back down from a phone call if you all think it's the best option).

Cheers,
- HateDread.

 

[SckizoBoy]

...

Sounds like you're already talking... but that's sort of beside the point isn't it...(?)

Based on the assumption that you guys have had some sort of regular contact over the last four days, something's happened... send a text 'You're quiet today...' and see how she responds.

Anyway, by 'friend-zone' (a debatable entity which I won't bother with here), do you mean, her FZing you or vice-versa?

 

[HateDread]

Well, we talked on Saturday, and Monday (not today or Sunday), but my point is how to proceed from there, without seeming as only a friend, but not going too full-on too early, ya know?

(Even the ol' her waiting for me to text while I'm waiting for her - I don't know if it's a good strategy to wait for a day or two to generate something in her, i.e. missing / thoughts of me?)

I mean friend-zoning whereby she thinks of me as only a friend. I only use the term for its ease of understanding.

Okay, here's my plan for tomorrow:

After I finish some work in the morning, call up, ask if she wants to hang out later that day. Simple. (And the lack of talking today creates a less-desperate feel, right? ). Not sure where to go, though - probably some lunch at the shopping centre nearby

(There are actually questions and things in the above - I'm not just recounting my days and plans, haha).

 

[SckizoBoy]

Ah, OK, in that case, the first thought I had was just asking her out to lunch, oddly enough. Do that a couple times, gauge her countenance while you're together and if things are looking good, straight up express your feelings. *shrug* Can't think of anything else, mainly because that would be overcomplicating rather a simple affair. Best of luck, mate.

 

[Lvl 64 Klutz]

Text her and use these words: "Can I take you out some time?" It sounds casual, but there's no way to mistake your intentions from it.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Well, we talked on Saturday, and Monday (not today or Sunday), but my point is how to proceed from there, without seeming as only a friend, but not going too full-on too early, ya know?

(Even the ol' her waiting for me to text while I'm waiting for her - I don't know if it's a good strategy to wait for a day or two to generate something in her, i.e. missing / thoughts of me?)

I mean friend-zoning whereby she thinks of me as only a friend. I only use the term for its ease of understanding.

Okay, here's my plan for tomorrow:

After I finish some work in the morning, call up, ask if she wants to hang out later that day. Simple. (And the lack of talking today creates a less-desperate feel, right? ). Not sure where to go, though - probably some lunch at the shopping centre nearby

(There are actually questions and things in the above - I'm not just recounting my days and plans, haha).

Stop asking her to hang out.

Ask her out on something that is CLEARLY a date.

Too many "casual hang outs" waiting for an obvious sign that you're good to proceed is exactly how you end up in the loathed friend zone.

 

[Limecake]

Stop asking her to hang out.

Ask her out on something that is CLEARLY a date.

Too many "casual hang outs" waiting for an obvious sign that you're good to proceed is exactly how you end up in the loathed friend zone.

Exactly, I've managed to avoid quite a few friend zones from just being upfront with the girl (it hasn't always worked out but at least it was quick)

I do enjoy a good text conversation but if you're interested in taking it to the next level with her you might want to save something for your date It'd be awkward enough without running out of things to say.

also: if you're both of age, ask her to grab a drink with you sometime. Drinks are a good idea for a first date since things will be awkward anyway and it'll help take the edge off. Just don't drink too much cause that won't go well.

 

[SmartyShorts]

Stop asking her to hang out.

Ask her out on something that is CLEARLY a date.

Too many "casual hang outs" waiting for an obvious sign that you're good to proceed is exactly how you end up in the loathed friend zone.

This.

Women like to play. We take things literally, mess them up and then throw them back at you so you get confused. If you want to avoid the friend zone you have to watch your words carefully, because in girl language "let's hang out" practically screams friendship. The best vocabulary you can use when asking a girl out includes the words "together" "just you and me" and/or "ourselves".

A good conversation:
"How about we have dinner together, just you and me?"
"Yeah that sounds nice."
"I know this great place downtown where we could go for some (whatever you're going to do) and I think we could really enjoy ourselves."

NEVER, under any circumstances, ask her out without having a place to go in mind. Every woman on Earth hates getting trapped in a "where do you want to go?" conversation. Anyway, hope that helps you.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

NEVER, under any circumstances, ask her out without having a place to go in mind. Every woman on Earth hates getting trapped in a "where do you want to go?" conversation. Anyway, hope that helps you.

Jesus, yeah. That's good advice. I've never had a girlfriend where "No, where do YOU want to go?" didn't turn into a hopeless spiral of recrimination and aggravation. Just pick a place. Asking her where she wants to go seems to be like issuing a declaration of war.

 

[IndomitableSam]

NEVER, under any circumstances, ask her out without having a place to go in mind. Every woman on Earth hates getting trapped in a "where do you want to go?" conversation. Anyway, hope that helps you.

Jesus, yeah. That's good advice. I've never had a girlfriend where "No, where do YOU want to go?" didn't turn into a hopeless spiral of recrimination and aggravation. Just pick a place. Asking her where she wants to go seems to be like issuing a declaration of war.

Exactly. If we want to go somewhere, we'll tell you. Or you can say "we'll go here, next time you pick the place." That means it's out of your hands and she can choose somewhere she's comfortable. If she's fun, make a game out of it and keep alternating - and pick some interesting places, too. Don't pull a karaoke bar unless you know she likes it, but maybe a cafe in the park, or a autumn leaves viewing, look for different things to do. Corn mazes, the zoo, museum, paintball... I would jump a guy in a second if he gave me that kind of activity lineup.

Just ask her out. If a girl is playing with her hair while she's looking at you, she likes you, plain and simple.

 

[HateDread]

Aw, you guys are awesome! I'm calling her in a few hours, asking if she wants to 'go out to lunch together' (Thanks for that tip).

I've noticed there are different opinions on touching during this sort of thing - I know it is based on what feels right at the time, how you're being perceived by them, etc, but are there any golden rules? Some people hate a kiss on the first 'date', but others expect it? I realise that there's no be-all-and-end-all rules that apply every time, but maybe you've got some tips?

 

[BloatedGuppy]

I've noticed there are different opinions on touching during this sort of thing - I know it is based on what feels right at the time, how you're being perceived by them, etc, but are there any golden rules? Some people hate a kiss on the first 'date', but others expect it? I realise that there's no be-all-and-end-all rules that apply every time, but maybe you've got some tips?

There are a few fairly innocent physical overtures you can make, depending on how confident you're feeling in how the date is going.

If you're really confident, go for a kiss. No tongue. Just a kiss. And on the lips, not the cheek or forehead, for god's sake.

If you're less confident, you could try holding her hand (This seems unbearably twee but it's a romantic yet non-threatening gesture).

If you're not confident at all but also not feeling like you were definitely shot down, go for the "long hug". Like, hold that fucking hug for at least 4-5 seconds longer than appropriate for friends. Make it a real warm, clasping hug too.



Also, you didn't ask, but while on the date, be attentive. You want to win a girl over? Ask her questions about herself, and actually legitimately take an interest in the answers. Oh, and pay for everything. If she protests, just say it was your idea to go out.

 

[Lvl 64 Klutz]

NEVER, under any circumstances, ask her out without having a place to go in mind. Every woman on Earth hates getting trapped in a "where do you want to go?" conversation. Anyway, hope that helps you.

Jesus, yeah. That's good advice. I've never had a girlfriend where "No, where do YOU want to go?" didn't turn into a hopeless spiral of recrimination and aggravation. Just pick a place. Asking her where she wants to go seems to be like issuing a declaration of war.

I don't know, my girlfriend loves making all the plans. Everyone is different.

 

[HateDread]

Thanks so far, guys.

Okay, I called her, but things didn't go to plan - turns out it was while she was in the middle of trying on a dress! Anyway, I asked if another time was better, which lead to a 'Why, what's up / what do you want?' kind of thing. Didn't seem -too- hostile, but she definitely wasn't expecting my call.

At this exact moment, someone entered the room with me, and admittedly, I get all self-conscious, so I reverted back to 'Uhh... I was just wondering if you want to hang out later'. (I know, I committed a cardinal sin! It was a last-minute occurence). She declined due to work but said we could maybe hang out tomorrow before her work, followed by 'And anyway, I should probably go... we can sort it out before then... bye' sorta thing. Might've just been the situation, or she didn't actually like it :/

So now I figure my best bet is to wait and see if she calls/texts, and go from there, although I may not be available at her time, so might just have to transform it into a dinner meet Problem is that I figure it's sounding too casual to then alter into that, ya know? I'm not sure what to do, to be honest!

 

[Lvl 64 Klutz]

Cardinal Sin, sure, but certainly not repairable. Now it's going to be tougher, though, because you're going to have to flat out let her know that you're interested in her as more than just a friend. Ask her what she thinks of you, or if she's seeing someone, basically anything that will lead into a conversation about the nature of your relationship. But when you go for it, there's no flaking or you're pretty much out of luck.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Thanks so far, guys.

Okay, I called her, but things didn't go to plan - turns out it was while she was in the middle of trying on a dress! Anyway, I asked if another time was better, which lead to a 'Why, what's up / what do you want?' kind of thing. Didn't seem -too- hostile, but she definitely wasn't expecting my call.

At this exact moment, someone entered the room with me, and admittedly, I get all self-conscious, so I reverted back to 'Uhh... I was just wondering if you want to hang out later'. (I know, I committed a cardinal sin! It was a last-minute occurence). She declined due to work but said we could maybe hang out tomorrow before her work, followed by 'And anyway, I should probably go... we can sort it out before then... bye' sorta thing. Might've just been the situation, or she didn't actually like it :/

So now I figure my best bet is to wait and see if she calls/texts, and go from there, although I may not be available at her time, so might just have to transform it into a dinner meet Problem is that I figure it's sounding too casual to then alter into that, ya know? I'm not sure what to do, to be honest!

All that coaching, and you fumbled the pass!

It's cool. No plan survives contact with the enemy. Lvl 64 Klutz is right though. You're running out of time and space to pussyfoot around. It's time to lay out your cards and see what happens.

 

[HateDread]

Update: She never organised to 'hang out' (shudder) that morning before work, but wrote on my wall late the next day, saying she slept in and all. I tested the waters, but it didn't feel the same, and I saw her chatting to other guys in the same way (from before), so no worries there. Just another fish in the sea

I have some more questions, though, so I won't bother with a new thread:

-----------------------------------------

Okay, so if I've talked to this girl very little in person (a few comments here and there, but we were at a few things at the same time, and she knows me [as do her friends] so I'm not like a total random), and I've got her on Facebook from last year. How do I proceed? I understand what you say about friendzoning, but it would be weird to hit her up with a random date, haha.

What sort of things do you do in this situation?

 

[BloatedGuppy]

Okay, so if I've talked to this girl very little in person (a few comments here and there, but we were at a few things at the same time, and she knows me [as do her friends] so I'm not like a total random), and I've got her on Facebook from last year. How do I proceed? I understand what you say about friendzoning, but it would be weird to hit her up with a random date, haha.

What sort of things do you do in this situation?

Why are you interested in hitting her up for a date? Is there something about her that interests you? If so, question her about that thing. Open a dialogue. See if you guys have anything to talk about. Once you've chatted enough that you're not just materializing out of thin air, THEN you float the idea of a date.

If there ISN'T something about her that interests you aside from "she's a girl and she's breathing", you should probably raise your dating standards. Desperation has its own unique stench, and people pick up on it immediately.

 

[Lvl 64 Klutz]

Snip

This for sure. Don't take this the wrong way, but it's starting to sound you're looking for a girlfriend for the sake of having one. One of the most important lessons of love is that a really good friend is more valuable than a hesitant lover.

 

[HateDread]

This wasn't an immediate question, more a 'I've always wondered how...'. I'm certainly not charging in, nor am I doing things for the sake of them

Thanks for all yo' advice!