Hi! I'm looking for advice on a game story I'm writing

[pensandpapers62]

Any feedback is appreciated, I mainly want to know if this story introduction would make you want to try this game. I want to hook the reader in. Thank you for reading!

Genre: High-Fantasy,
Setting: Urban/city, desert, underground.

Long ago several kingdoms were engaged in trade with each other. However trade was very difficult, dangerous, and costly. By sea, pirates, storms, and monsters of the ocean depths afflicted trade ships. Land routes where long and indirect; caravans were plagued by bandits and grueling mountain passes. Yet there was one way that had not been attempted, a last resort. A vast desert centrally located between the trading kingdoms; crossing it would be a much shorter and direct route between the kingdoms. So a party was formed to blaze a trail across the scorching desert; but they were ill prepared. Their water supplies dwindled then dried away; they could find no more water within the desert, they were never heard from again. But the mighty trading kingdoms were not fazed by this setback. Determined to establish a new trading route in the name of gold and commerce, a new party was formed. This time better equipped and accompanied by mages of the Douser's Guild. These mages specialized in spells that could locate water hidden deep within the ground and bring it the surface. With these spell-casters the new party of pioneers trekked across the endless sands with renewed hope. Halfway through their desert journey the Dousers detected a massive source of fresh water nearby. Their spells lead them to something they did not expect; a titanic spiraling staircase that twisted deep into the earth as far as the eye could see down and within its caves, life-giving water.

And so a base camp was established around the massive pit and soon a sprawling metropolis grew up, for this location was exactly centered between the trading kingdoms and would serve as a bustling trade hub for years to come. Individuals from all walks of life and races flocked to the city which became quite the melting-pot. Over time, countless explorers and adventurers from the new city journeyed down into the pit and returned with troves of treasure and goods retrieved from the expanse of subterranean ruins and caverns. However this flourishing city was not without its troubles, soon after the first explorers went down into the pit, hordes monsters began to spew forth the pit to wreak havoc upon the city.

Then came Armageddon. A giant beam of blinding light erupted from the pit blazing right into the sky and a dome of light formed over the city. In the aftermath all contact with civilization beyond the city was lost, only an endless wasteland remained, as far as the inhabitants could tell, they were the last survivors on earth.
For the city to survive, parties of adventurers had to delve into the endless pit to hunt its strange creatures for food and scavenge for any usable resources. The pit was both an oasis and a source of despair. It still remains unknown what lays in the farthest reaches of the pit despite the many daring adventurers that have braved it.

Today you are one such adventurer, about to embark on your first sojourn into the pit?you first must pass the Adventurer?s license exam and form your party to travel with you into the pit. What dangers will you face? What wealth and glory will you amass? What answers will you find? That is only for you to determine...

 

[pensandpapers62]

Huh, I thought I would get at least one response. Maybe I should try posting this in off-topic.

 

[Aerosteam]

It's absolutely okay to come up with tons of backstory for your game. However, that's just it. Backstory. Ultimately, how much of it will affect the actual game? Will this information be presented in the intro?

For example, in the Dark Souls intro cinematic, you got told who the big players are in shaping the world you progress through. It also serves as a small rundown of some of the late-game bosses. Another example, in the Left 4 Dead opening you get to know who the player characters are and what the special infected can do. It doesn't go into how the infection started because it has no bearing on the plot at all, you're not looking for a cure, you're just trying to survive.

I'd help more but I don't know what the game genre is or what mechanics you want to have.

 

[pensandpapers62]

Thanks for the feedback. The genre is high-fantasy rpg with turned based combat. This text would be presented during the games's intro and would be supported with an image slideshow of sorts in the back round to as a a visual aid to the player.

I realize it is probably too long but I'm not sure where to cut parts out yet.

 

[The Philistine]

For an intro into a game, you want to hook players into what they will be experiencing right off the bat. The whole bit out the trading cities sounds irrelevant to gameplay, it may serve better as background flavor than something to include in the introduction. Also consider whether the Armageddon event is even relevant at the start of the story. Depending on how connected it is with the introductory story arc, it may be a detail better served to come up later after the player has become invested in the world and characters.

Another thing you may want to think about: who is the narrator? Reading through it, it comes off as a disconnected, faceless game-master. And perhaps that's what you're wanting to go for. But it's going to take longer for a player to feel a connection with the story if the narrator is also disconnected. Since you're plopping the player into an introduction 'exam', perhaps give it a go as the player's instructor, loved one, or employer? Or not, depending on how that would serve the game's story.

 

[pensandpapers62]

For an intro into a game, you want to hook players into what they will be experiencing right off the bat. The whole bit out the trading cities sounds irrelevant to gameplay, it may serve better as background flavor than something to include in the introduction. Also consider whether the Armageddon event is even relevant at the start of the story. Depending on how connected it is with the introductory story arc, it may be a detail better served to come up later after the player has become invested in the world and characters.

Another thing you may want to think about: who is the narrator? Reading through it, it comes off as a disconnected, faceless game-master. And perhaps that's what you're wanting to go for. But it's going to take longer for a player to feel a connection with the story if the narrator is also disconnected. Since you're plopping the player into an introduction 'exam', perhaps give it a go as the player's instructor, loved one, or employer? Or not, depending on how that would serve the game's story.

Thanks for the feedback. I felt that explaining the Armageddon part what help the player understand why they cant really go outside the city and that the game takes place entirely in a large city and in the seemingly infinite dungeon.

 

[The Philistine]

Thanks for the feedback. I felt that explaining the Armageddon part what help the player understand why they cant really go outside the city and that the game takes place entirely in a large city and in the seemingly infinite dungeon.

If it's purely to set up to cut off the outside world and not part of the plot, it may be entirely unnecessary. It just depends on the tone of the game. If there's a post apocalyptic or bleak tone, then by all means make mention that something catastrophic happened. Whatever the plot hooks are for the story, they should at least be hinted at in the intro.

For example, Baldur's Gate.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Kmmggc6jH8
https://youtu.be/zW63fmRj3x0?t=103
Pretty standard introduction of the big bad, the tone of the game, and what's going to be driving your character throughout the game. The political climate, lineage of your character, and history of the world play big parts in the game, but aren't immediately necessary to dive into the gameplay.

You've got alot of information to impart to a player and little time to grab their attention. Pick out the parts the player will immediately need to know, make sure the intro grabs the players' attention (and keeps it), and let the game world build on itself. With games in particular, I'm of the mind that world building should be done through gameplay, not dumped on the player in exposition.

 

[Wholesale Karma]

Thanks for the feedback. The genre is high-fantasy rpg with turned based combat. This text would be presented during the games's intro and would be supported with an image slideshow of sorts in the back round to as a a visual aid to the player.

I realize it is probably too long but I'm not sure where to cut parts out yet.

As nostalgic as I feel about turned-based combat, I'd try to keep that intro pretty short. If you think of an Elder Scrolls game, they basically just throw you into the world and tell you what you can do and why you should care, but it's up to you to decide what you want to do. As far as the motivations I'm inferring, these kingdoms seem to be in decline but there's also a lot of money to be made. Are you the altruistic type, or a mercenary looking for the big payoff? Anyway, as The Philistine said, you really have two parts of the game written out already.

For an intro into a game, you want to hook players into what they will be experiencing right off the bat. The whole bit out the trading cities sounds irrelevant to gameplay, it may serve better as background flavor than something to include in the introduction. Also consider whether the Armageddon event is even relevant at the start of the story. Depending on how connected it is with the introductory story arc, it may be a detail better served to come up later after the player has become invested in the world and characters.

Act I: You're part of the second expedition party. Perhaps you are an apprentice of this Douser's Guild. You obviously run into some danger, but you make friends, allies, and maybe rivals along the way. You're travelling through the the desert, so you can't just wander aimlessly, especially alone, so this will keep with your desire to limit physical boundaries. You find your magical water source, hooray.

Act II: You skip ahead enough time to get this bustling and prosperous city you describe, and meanwhile you can explore the city, further develop characters and your relationships with them and obviously meet new ones. Then hordes of beasts rise out of the pit and your Armageddon event happens.

Act III: I don't know what you need this Adventurer's license exam for (character creation?) but you can obviously handle that at the beginning of Act I, or perhaps you've risen in the ranks of the Douser Guild meanwhile and you can take this test at the beginning of Act II (or use it as an opportunity to further refine/specialize your character), or maybe you kick enough monster ass at the end of Act II that the city leaders choose you to lead a party whose members you get to pick personally.

You already know some candidates, but you have some choices which depend on how limited you are to go down into the pit and back up to the city. Because of the chaos, you could cut off some of the original parts of the city. I mentioned being in a party since Act I and being able to take people you already know down into the pit, but maybe you want to take some complete strangers down there. In that case, you will be getting to know them during mostly stressful situations. Maybe at some point you can't even get back to the city until you eliminate the source of the problem. In that case, you'd need certain character types available like a healer, alchemist, blacksmith, etc. depending on the mechanics of the game. It just depends on what you think is best for the characters.