How big a role does sex play in a relationship?

[Ethan Asia]

I've been in a relationship for a good few months now. I'm enjoying it thoroughly. However, as we're getting closer and closer, the inevitable question of sex is being brought up. My lady friend has been subtly hinting that she'd like to get intimate with me (although I am by no means a behavioural analyst so I can't confirm anything) and I'm terrified.

I'm a virgin. I've never had any real sexual thoughts and I find the whole thing rather off-putting, honestly. I have no desire to do anything of the sort. The crux of my question is, can a relationship last without sex, and, if not, how long will it last without it?

 

[GoaThief]

Sorry to say this but there is no right or clear answer to your question, none.

A piece of advice I can give you; honesty goes a long way and if you're afraid then you should tell her as much. Yes, that prospect might be even more terrifying but will pay off. I'm not sure of your age either, there may be further reaching implications that need to be considered too.

 

[Ethan Asia]

Sorry to say this but there is no right or clear answer to your question, none.

A piece of advice I can give you; honesty goes a long way and if you're afraid then you should tell her as much. Yes, that prospect might be even more terrifying but will pay off.

I feel emasculated enough without my girlfriend knowing that I lack the fundamental desire that fuels a relationship. I know honesty is the best policy, but maybe not in this case?

 

[mcdain]

It varies from couple to couple. There's no definite answer. For instance, a friend of mine has been in with his girlfriend for a year and a half, and they've yet to have relations in the boudoir.

It just depends on your own values.

 

[TheMatsjo]

I have no desire to do anything of the sort. The crux of my question is, can a relationship last without sex, and, if not, how long will it last without it?

Just bring it up! Easy for me to say obviously, but it's just not a topic you're going to be able to avoid, in fact she might even start thinking you're just not that into her. If you really lack an active sex drive, then at least it'll be clear it's not her, and who knows, you might discover that you're not that averse to the proposition after all.

In my opinion sex-less relationships can work, but there is a palpable absence of fulfillment. Not unbearable, but definitely in the way. But --I hasten to add-- don't take it from "some guy on the net".

Good luck

PS: this might need to go to the Advice forum.

 

[FamoFunk]

Is both partners are happy to go without sex, then yes, it can last.

But if one member wants it and the other not, or decides they now want it, I can't see any grounds for the relationship to last long, there's only so much one can understand and tolerate before either leaving or straying imo.

Never feel pressured in to doing it though, that's not good man.

 

[Jonluw]

If one partner wants it and the other doesn't, I'd say the chances are slim.
At least if the partner is anything like me. I see sexuality as a necessary part of a romantic relationship.

 

[Daystar Clarion]

There is sex and then there is making love.

Making love is one of the single greatest things you can share with a person, on an emotional and physical level, there is nothing more satisfying.

To answer your question, I believe sex plays a huge part in a relationship, but it's not something to be rushed into.

Take it at your own pace.

 

[jakeblues69]

If I don't get any sex within 6 weeks of the first date I'm out. If I'm just there because she's hot, 3 weeks.

If she brings any unnecessary drama I eject immediately. Life's too short too waste time on people who don't know what they want or like to play games.

 

[GoaThief]

Put it this way, what have you got to lose? Meditate on that for a while, and the implications of you lying for however long your relationship lasts (and the next?).

Only you can decide what's best.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

They can last a good long while as long as both parties are disinterested in sex.

If one party is interested, and the other is not, then you have a recipe for a lot of strife, heartache, and confusion.

 

[sky14kemea]

I kinda know how you feel, one of the reasons why I'm so reluctant to enter a relationship in the first place is because of the prospect of sex.

I figure everyone expects sex after being in a relationship a certain amount of time. I can't handle that, so I choose not to go into any. (Although it's not like I get asked out all that often anyway. xD).

I agree with the advice to just talk to your girlfriend about it. If she understands, then great! Maybe you two can work it out together, or reach a compromise. If she doesn't understand, maybe you two aren't really meant for each other. :/

Just don't let yourself be pressured into it. Make sure it's you making the decision to try intercourse, not her.

 

[kurupt87]

Someone that calls himself a forensic psychotherapist asking us this strikes me as something either incredibly ironic (false occupation claim) or investigatory (story is false, interested in the asexuals here).

Could be all above board, tickles me inappropriately though.

---

Sex is the difference between a best friend and a partner, to me at least.

 

[Erttheking]

Speaking as someone with no experience, it strikes me as a thing that magnifies what you already have, meaning if you don't have much, you won't get much.

 

[Ethan Asia]

Someone that calls himself a forensic psychotherapist asking us this strikes me as something either incredibly ironic (false occupation claim) or investigatory (story is false, interested in the asexuals here).

Could be all above board, tickles me inappropriately though.

---

Sex is the difference between a best friend and a partner, to me at least.

I was always told it was best not to analyse oneself. I struggled with that for a long time so I try not to. Sorry.

 

[EeveeElectro]

I feel somewhat bad for admitting this, but I've usually had sex with people before I've got into a relationship with them.
However I only have sex with people I absolutely love/am in love with and can see a future with. Especially after my first time. It's one of the ways I show my love for boyfriends...[sub]And if he's good in the sack, it just makes the upcoming relationship even better LOL[/sub]

Don't do anything you're not ready for, or you'll regret it. You have a good thing being in a relationship, I would give anything to have lost my virginity to someone who actually loved me and didn't want to play hide the sausage e_e

 

[Ethan Asia]

If there is nothing sexual, then you aren't in an intimate relationship, you are just friends. Sex isn't needed for friends, it is needed for more.

I disagree with that. I do not 'love' any of my friends, and I certainly don't feel as close to them as I would with my girlfriend (although, that said, if I was as close to her as I thought then I'd probably be able to talk to her about this without having to go through a forum). I can love without sex, right?

 

[Sexual Harassment Panda]

I don't want to speculate on the validity of relationships without sex...not my area of expertise.

But, where's your curiosity? I'm happy to go without sex for extended periods of time, but I still enjoy it when it happens. If the girl is cool, you needn't be scared. Just try the new thing before you make up your mind about it.

The key word being try.

 

[kurupt87]

Someone that calls himself a forensic psychotherapist asking us this strikes me as something either incredibly ironic (false occupation claim) or investigatory (story is false, interested in the asexuals here).

Could be all above board, tickles me inappropriately though.

---

Sex is the difference between a best friend and a partner, to me at least.

I was always told it was best not to analyse oneself. I struggled with that for a long time so I try not to. Sorry.

Unless your story in the OP is false you have nothing to apologise for.

Like I said; it just strikes me funny that you, ostensibly a professional, would ask us, a bunch of nitwits, about this. I'd have thought you'd ask a colleague or know of someone who specialises in relationships (or something, I'm kinda making this up, nitwit-ness).

But then, it's always preferable to ask a peer than an authority. Seeing as this board has a preponderance of asexuals, and you seem to be one, I can see why you'd ask.

Because you want to know their experiences, so you know kinda what to expect.

Which is me figuring that out, so I'll shut up now and let you get on with it. I should have got that sooner. It's just the irony of the occupation, rather than the personal stake, that grasped my attention.

So, I'm sorry.