How big a role does sex play in a relationship?
- Thread starter Ethan Asia
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We clearly have different definitions of love. There's certainly a bond between me and my friends, but I wouldn't say I loved them.Kendarik said:
So the consensus is that I should be open. I'm really not very comfortable talking about it, so perhaps I should wait for her to definitively bring it up rather than go on inference. But then, would it be a good idea to explain that I'm not happy to do it when she directly asks me? Seems either way I'll have to bite a bullet.
It is pretty awesome, but I remember that apprehension well. I would personally recommend giving it a shot and hey worst case you don't like it and never want to do it again.Ethan Asia said:
Well... I guess that's not WORST case, but it's the worst LIKELY outcome.
I would pay credence to GoaThief's advice. I will give you some grown-up advice from someone who is, legally at least, grown up:
Be honest. I am a very patient and loving person to my partners of the past (don't have one at the moment, but I'm sure I would be if I did), but the one thing they can do that is the most hurtful and damaging to my trust is to lie to me, and a lie by omission counts. If you don't tell her what's up, you're doing her a disservice and frankly, she deserves better than that. But don't worry... so do you!
How important is it? It varies from person to person, but it is VITALLY important that you be with someone who holds sex in the same regard you do, or at least one of you and probably both of you are not going to be physically and emotionally satisfied in the relationship. I've been in some tight spots (hah) in that regard. I dated a girl with almost no sex drive, and it didn't go well... and I dated a total nymphomaniac and guess what? That didn't go well either.
Tell her what's up. If you love her, tell her you love her. If you don't want to sleep with her? Tell her that, too. If she leaves you for it? Guess what... you never would have been happy anyway, and you sure as shit wouldn't have made her happy.
And you had better make her fucking happy, or you're wasting everybody's time.
Don't worry... if you guys are good together, she'll be worrying about making you happy too, so everyone will be happy
Good luck.
Sure. It's just that this board is generally firmly of the opinion that sex only happens with someone you're in love with, that casual isn't a thing that adults do.Blablahb said:
Stupid, but it's the opinion of most of the posters on this board.
Which is why I didn't include the already half said. I was talking about this guys relationship (assumed to mean he sees himself and his partner as a couple and which is the topic of this thread) and comparing it to a best friend, someone who you have platonic love for. And that I see no real difference between them.
If I'd compared it to a work acquaintance or course friend then your disputation (I struggled for a word, made one up, found out it was real, used it) would have been called for.
Sex isn't necessarily a big part of relationships, but what will make or break a relationship is having compatible sex drives. I have a very high sex drive, but my first boyfriend didn't. It caused a lot of problems that eventually seeped into other parts of the relationship, leading to its eventual ruin. My current boyfriend has a similar sex drive to myself, and it certainly reduces the natural stress of the relationship.
You need to tell your girlfriend this though. If you have no desire to have sex and she does, then she will probably end up feeling slighted and you feeling pressured if you don't tell her. If this ends the relationship, then so be it because I do consider not having compatible sex drives (be it on either end of the spectrum) to be a deal breaker. However, if you feel emasculated around her and can't tell her this, maybe you have bigger problems to worry about and this is merely a symptom of that larger problem.
You need to tell your girlfriend this though. If you have no desire to have sex and she does, then she will probably end up feeling slighted and you feeling pressured if you don't tell her. If this ends the relationship, then so be it because I do consider not having compatible sex drives (be it on either end of the spectrum) to be a deal breaker. However, if you feel emasculated around her and can't tell her this, maybe you have bigger problems to worry about and this is merely a symptom of that larger problem.
Honestly it's down to the couple but you both have to feel the same way about sex for it to work and from what you've said it doesn't sound like you do.Ethan Asia said:
That being said do you know why you don't want to have sex? The amount of pressure society puts on sex can be a serious libido killer so if it's that the act itself, not knowing how to be "good" etc. that's worrying you I'd suggest being honest and then perhaps trying it, see how it goes, especially if she's somebody you'd feel comfortable doing that with. On the other hand you say you've got no sexual desire at all. If that includes stuff like fantasising and masturbation then there is always the possibility that you're just not interested, A-sexual I think it's called, in which case that's fine. Either way though if you want this relationship to last you have to tell her how you feel. It might still end but if you just avoid it the whole time all that will happen is her sexual frustration will boil over and you'll end up breaking up anyway only both of you will feel a lot worse about the whole situation because she won't know what's wrong and you'll have spent the all that time hiding it.
Good luck though. Hope it works regardless of what you decide to do.
For me it's extremely important. Sex is really what separates a romantic relationship from a close friendship.
I date without any intention of sex. If she is unwilling to have a relationship without sex then she may be in the relationship for the wrong reasons.
You obviously don't want sex out of it so think of what you do want in a relationship and tell her, if she want's all that you want and just want's to add sex to it then it can be worked around. If sex is really that important to her and you don't want to then likely she will end it.
Sex should not be that important, and if she is willing to make it a huge issue then it's a sign of thing's to come.
Any relationship should be able to last for years if not more without it. Once a relationship cannot last without something, that relationship will be based on the one thing.
Be honest, don't let her force you to do anything, and don't give up on your ideals.
You obviously don't want sex out of it so think of what you do want in a relationship and tell her, if she want's all that you want and just want's to add sex to it then it can be worked around. If sex is really that important to her and you don't want to then likely she will end it.
Sex should not be that important, and if she is willing to make it a huge issue then it's a sign of thing's to come.
Any relationship should be able to last for years if not more without it. Once a relationship cannot last without something, that relationship will be based on the one thing.
Be honest, don't let her force you to do anything, and don't give up on your ideals.
Sex plays a big role in relationships, even if you're not necessarily having sex. Nothing else in the relationship can exist without the base physical desire/attraction, even if you don't necessarily want to have sex with the person you're with. Physical attraction is what separates a romantic relationship from a friendship.
As for sexual intercourse, well that depends on you and her and what you consider the role of sex to be. Some couples I know barely even touch each other and are quite happy, others are doing very little besides fucking each other and never stay together long. And vice versa.
As for sexual intercourse, well that depends on you and her and what you consider the role of sex to be. Some couples I know barely even touch each other and are quite happy, others are doing very little besides fucking each other and never stay together long. And vice versa.
