How big a role does sex play in a relationship?

[Imper1um]

As Freud would put it, a person without Sex is someone that is odd. It doesn't matter how you get off, the act of having sex in its different (and many) forms is natural to every human being.

To be honest, if your woman is looking for sex and you can't deliver, she's going to look elsewhere. Women likes those babies.

 

[axlryder]

Depends on the relationship, but in general, it plays an enormous role (and rightly so). However, if you simply feel you're on a different emotional wavelength than someone else in regards to sex, be extremely candid with them and hope they do the same with you. If that's the case you will (hopefully) either find a way to work it out or go your separate ways. If you merely try and avoid the problem, feelings will get hurt.

As to your predilections towards abstinence, well, you really need to analyze the root of your feelings. You may just not be ready or feel it's not right for you now, and that's both okay and a totally legitimate reason to forgo sex at this time. However, it's also possible that the entirety of your reluctance rests on anxiety brought about by normal psychological factors (anticipation, self consciousness, unwarranted guilt, etc.) and such factors may be manifesting themselves in feelings of aversion or disinterest. If that's the case, I would consider attempting to muscle through it for the sake of your own development.

 

[axlryder]

Well when your girlfriend reads this, send her over to me and I can help her with her needs.

Really? Way to be the stereotypical internet asshole. Prick

I believe that's what we in the business, call a joke. Lighten up.

Well it certainly wasn't in good taste. Ditto what Daystar said.

 

[LilithSlave]

As much as you want. People can fall in love and never have sex because they never want to have it.

Though I would lean to saying you can make sex too important.

A relationship can certainly last without sex, though. Especially if you both love each other more than sex.

 

[SillyBear]

I've been in a relationship for a good few months now. I'm enjoying it thoroughly. However, as we're getting closer and closer, the inevitable question of sex is being brought up. My lady friend has been subtly hinting that she'd like to get intimate with me (although I am by no means a behavioural analyst so I can't confirm anything) and I'm terrified.

I'm a virgin. I've never had any real sexual thoughts and I find the whole thing rather off-putting, honestly. I have no desire to do anything of the sort. The crux of my question is, can a relationship last without sex, and, if not, how long will it last without it?

It's extremely important - especially if your partner wants it. You beat around the bush too long and try to avoid it and she is going to think you are a pussy. Which isn't attractive.

Just man up. It's not that scary, trust me. I'm from the interwebz.

 

[Jinxzy]

Sorry to say this but there is no right or clear answer to your question, none.

A piece of advice I can give you; honesty goes a long way and if you're afraid then you should tell her as much. Yes, that prospect might be even more terrifying but will pay off.

I feel emasculated enough without my girlfriend knowing that I lack the fundamental desire that fuels a relationship. I know honesty is the best policy, but maybe not in this case?

Being open and honest can actually make the situation bring you closer in ways you never knew. Taking it slow and talking about it can actually fuel the desires. My boyfriend and I were open and talked about sexual relationship before even doing it. It made us feel more comfortable and close when the time came. Rushing the situation will not bring around the best experience. I know my boyfriend really didn't want to talk about it at first cause I'm sure he felt like you.

 

[Dys]

Sorry to say this but there is no right or clear answer to your question, none.

A piece of advice I can give you; honesty goes a long way and if you're afraid then you should tell her as much. Yes, that prospect might be even more terrifying but will pay off.

I feel emasculated enough without my girlfriend knowing that I lack the fundamental desire that fuels a relationship. I know honesty is the best policy, but maybe not in this case?

Honesty is the only thing you truly have going for you at this point. You (and quite probably her as well) are sexually inexperienced, and as she trusts and likes you more she's going to rely on you to help her release sexual frustrations. It's not a bad thing to be inexperienced, and (from my own experience) the experimental stage of finding out how to make someone feel good is every bit as fun as knowing exactly how to make them tick. If your honest, it will probably (at least relative to the sex) work out.

Ultimately, your relationship cannot last without sex being a factor, either to two of you will have sex, or you'll have an open relationship where you're still with her but she sleeps with someone (possibly multiple people) to keep her satisfied. I know that society likes to scream that men are sex obsessed and women could take it or leave it, but in my experience the opposite is closer to the truth (especially in long term relationships).

If you really don't want to sleep with her, make sure you two get some alone time and you tell her exactly what you're thinking/feeling. If you don't she'll think there's something wrong with her and you get into all the fun low self esteem and relationship breaking lack of intimacy between you, if you do she'll hopefully understand that you're just not ready and want to wait.

 

[quantumsoul]

There's no right answer. Every individual has different sex drives and views on it's importance.

What does matter is if your views are compatible. I have sex with me girlfriend almost every day because that's what we both want. If only one of us was like that, it would have been a problem. So if your girlfriend really needs sex and you don't want it, I'm sorry to say your relationship will likely end. You may really be into sex after you have it a few times(it may take while for it to not be awkward if you're a virgin), so take that into consideration. Good luck to you.

 

[isometry]

When a young apparently healthy male lacks a normal sex drive it's a good idea to see a doctor. Usually the reason is physiological, and since it is related to hormones it also effects other aspects of your development.

 

[Amberella]

If you have a strong bond, it'll work without sex for a little while. Me, I couldn't imagine not making love with the man I love and adore. It's a time when we connect on a deeper level. And it's something we only share. <3 Also, it's a way that I express my feelings for him.

 

[Titan Buttons]

You ned to discuss this issue with her above anything else because afterall she is the one you are romanticly involved in. This is a bump in your realationship that, while it's perfectly fine to take advice for, needs to end with you talking to her about it.

Just because you don't want to have sex with someone right now doesn't mean you dont love them or want to have sex with them later.

 

[chadachada123]

The key here, I think, is that you don't want to leave her wanting. If she wants sex, you should oblige, lest she "get bored" and leave, or think you a prude that doesn't want to satisfy her, or something.

The physical connection between you two can be very, very important in establishing/strengthening/maintaining (pick one) a healthy emotional connection.

That said, if she's some sort of sex fiend, this could lead to your eventual crushing.

Anyway, if you actually like her, you most likely will be the happiest from seeing HER happy or pleasured. Pleasuring her should take a little bit of precedence over yourself, if you like her, because that's what will (most likely) make you both the happiest. Hard to explain this concept, but I hope it comes across clearly.

 

[Johann610]

Sex is necessary. A match of chemistry, and the regular servicing thereof, are the reasons for intimacy in the first place. If you can relax, learn, and grow into the situation, then hang onto her and let her teach you. If you don't want to learn, or she doesn't want to teach, then bail out now.

I've been on both sides of this, and yeah, you can pretend that her going off somewhere to "get it" without you is ok, but it won't be, when the time comes. Nor will she share the emotional intimacy you want--not with her loyalties divided.

Sorry.

 

[imperialwar]

I've been in a relationship for a good few months now. I'm enjoying it thoroughly. However, as we're getting closer and closer, the inevitable question of sex is being brought up. My lady friend has been subtly hinting that she'd like to get intimate with me (although I am by no means a behavioural analyst so I can't confirm anything) and I'm terrified.

I'm a virgin. I've never had any real sexual thoughts and I find the whole thing rather off-putting, honestly. I have no desire to do anything of the sort. The crux of my question is, can a relationship last without sex, and, if not, how long will it last without it?

I'm not sure how long you have been in this relationship, but if you feel intimidated to mention you're a virgin then the relationship may not be as stable as you would hope.
If thats the case then jumping into amping up the sexual tension will only make matters worse.
Again, if you feel you cant say to the girl im nervous about sex as Im a virgin then doing it with her would be a mistake.

I was a virgin until age 21 and married the girl who i first had sex with.
The lack of regular sex ( about once or twice a month at the moment ) is the only tension in our relationship outside of money concerns.
How ever our strongest ability is being able to talk to each other and express our concerns without it devolving into an arguement.

 

[RicoGrey]

I would divorce my wife, the mother of my children, the woman who I have been with for over 12 years, the love of my life, IF she were suddenly unable to have sex with me.

Depending on the circumstances, I may not divorce her right away. If she was hurt, I would provide her with support, but at some point, our relationship would be over.

If this girl really does want sex, and you are unable to give it to her, your relationship is doomed.

If you have no sex drive, I highly recommend that you see your doctor, the problem may be purely physical, and he might be able to help.

Being a guy past puberty, and not having a sex drive means there is absolutely something wrong about you. Well maybe "wrong" is not the right word, if this is at your core, then I would say it is how you are naturally, but it is definitely not normal.

As a guy with a normal sex drive, I honestly can not see why you would even want to be in that kind of relationship. I can understand the desire for relationships, but for me if there is no intimacy, then I would just consider it a friendship, and there is nothing wrong with just being friends. That is just me though, I have never NOT had a sex drive, so I don't even know what that would be like.

 

[spartan231490]

Depends on the relationship man, but if she wants sex only a few months in, probably not. Not unless you're one of those rare few who thinks it's ok if she gets it elsewhere.

For me it's extremely important. Sex is really what separates a romantic relationship from a close friendship.

This speaks to me from someone who has yet to know true intimacy.

Look, the writing is on the wall. If she wants sex, and you don't it CAN work but PROBABLY won't. sex is a need just as real as the need for space. If you can't meet that need then she has every right to find someone who can. Sorry to say it but you should consider looking for someone who's needs more closely match your own.

This speaks to me of someone who has yet to know a good friend. Hafrael is correct.

 

[FalloutJack]

Sex is a bonus. A good bonus.

 

[smithy_2045]

If she wants sex and you don't, your relationship will break. But you really need to discuss your concerns with her, not us.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

If she wants sex and you don't, your relationship will break. But you really need to discuss your concerns with her, not us.

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe an arrangement can be made to hold out on that until there is a true sense of commitment without the danger of creating a burden for both partners. It is still possible to have a relationship without frequent sex. How do you think politicians reproduce?

I will ditto the "discuss it with her" sentiment though. Honesty and communication are so important. Trusting her with the truth may seem difficult but at least it will beat learning she's started cheating on you or if she just left.

 

[Braedan]

I know this is a couple pages deep, and I don't want to read for fifteen minutes, but this is the way I see it.

a relationship where one person wants sex and the other doesn't will not work. Sex is a very strong basic urge. I know there are a small number of people who have no urge to have sex (though this number seems ridiculously high on this forum....), but unless its stated before hand, its generally accepted that a relationship will entail sex. And being in a sexless relationship when you want to have sex is no fun at all.

I suggest honesty.
just remember that this subject could very easily crush her self esteem (much worse than you feeling embarrassed).

ps. remember the part where I said "this is how I see it.