How can I get my brother help?

[Dark Knifer]

This will require a bit of explanation. My brother is turning 20 next month so he is an adult, of sorts. Now, here in Australia, we have a school certificate and a higher school certificate. SC is the bare minimum of what you need, since you complete it in year 10, but that doesn't count for a huge deal. The HSC is what get's you into the good jobs. Now, my brother completed the HSC and didn't get the marks he needed due to lack of application. So he goes to uni to do a newstep course, which is basically a make-up course to get those marks... And he failed that for the same reasons. Now, he went to an expensive private school, which cost my parents quite a bit of money and so did the uni course. But he failed that and he wants to go back next year and still expects my parents to pay for it.

Now, I'm sorry but that's just really slack. He hasn't got a job and has made no effort to get one, he hardly sees his few friends and spends nearly all of his time watching anime. If anyone tries to talk about his future and what he should do, he gets unjustifiably angry at them and shuts them out. As you could probably tell, my parents aren't that strict but even they think he is crossing the line. It's just that they don't know what to do with him.

I suggested kicking him out, but that doesn't look likely. Any advice?

 

[zombiesinc]

You can't get help him beyond talking to him. This is up to him. If he chooses to slack, and not work for his grades, that's his choice. If your parents choose to continue allowing him to live under their roof, not work and have unjustified outbursts, that's their choice.

Him lashing out any time anyone brings up his future indicates that he may be struggling more than he's letting on. He could be depressed, which is making it next to impossible to get out there, get a job, and apply himself with his schooling. He could just be lazy, and spoiled.

Ultimately though, regardless of why he's not applying himself, you pushing him won't do anything but frustrate and discourage him. The best you can do is try to connect with him, and discuss it with him, without pushing it too much so he lashes out. Perhaps he'll have an easier time talking to you about it, without feeling like he's a failure. Often times that is the main reason children hate discussing their future with their parents, especially if things didn't go well previously (him failing his courses).

One thing someone needs to get through his head is that his parents don't have to do anything for him, and he needs to respect that. They can't be expected to pay for his schooling to begin with, let alone a second or third time. If he chooses to play the victim, that's his own problem, 'cause it certainly won't get him anywhere.

 

[Dark Knifer]

Snip.

Snip.

Thanks for that, but I already tried just discussing it with him in a calm, rational matter, but he really doesn't respect me much at all, so he refuses to talk to me about it. But I definitely agree with the point that he needs to learn and the hard way is the only way left as far as I can see. I'll try to stay out of it so he doesn't hate me more unless he wants to talk to me about it. I don't think he is depressed though. Strangely enough, he acts too happy to be genuinely depressed. He wasn't picked on at school, has friends, even though he chooses not to see them much in favor of anime and I know he can perform better because he has in the past. Still, thanks for your input, I appreciate it.

 

[Silentsmoke1990]

alternativly you just need to find the correct nerve to strike upon to inspire him as such. try talking to him about what career he wants. if he's getting angry at you without much provocation then it's almost 100% likely down to the knowledge of how bad he himself is doing a simple line like "You know this yourself, look how angry you're getting without me saying anything." might be enough to make him realize that the source of his anger is in his own lack of determination.

focus first on trying to get to the root of his anger, while he's raging at the mention of the subject, you'll never get to the subject itself.