How do I meet people?

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Daniel Ferguson

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Apr 3, 2010
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I'm a 25 year old guy with Asperger's Syndrome, and to meet new people, I basically have to wait till people are friendly to me - there's maybe one girl a year, usually online but *sometimes* in class (guys are a lot bolder in this) - and my natural response is to remain quiet after a point.

PS: I'd like a girlfriend, since I've never had one, but one step at a time.
 

Ziadaine_v1legacy

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Apr 11, 2009
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Since people might be weary to dab into a topic like this I'll take a pludge. With your Autism, what exactly does it limit you in? ex my younger cousin it took him years to talk but he was easily capable of reading.

(Keep in mind Obviously alot of us Might not know of someone with ASP' or how to really go about answering it so dont feel like we're putting you off, just some people can be touchy with anything really.)
 

IndomitableSam

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Look online. Are there groups in your city/town for meeting people with Autism?

Would it be easier to get to know someone online, and then meet them in public? Maybe find an online community based in your city/town concerning something you're interested in. Gaming could be a start. Try just googling "gaming community 'my town'" and see what you come up with. Look on Facebook for things in your community.

Try match.com or plentyoffish.com and make a profile stating you're looking for like-minded people to do things with - NOT a dating profile. They have options for looking for friends only. Then just chat with them online for a while, get yourself used to speaking to strangers whose real photographs you can see.

Are you a film buff? Is there a film club nearby? Pick something you're passionate about and try and find a community group for it, if you're busy doing something you love with other people in the periphery, you'll make friends without even knowing you're making an effort.

All you have to do is be yourself and you'll find people who will like you. We're all shy sometimes, remember. Friends first, more later.
 

Daniel Ferguson

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I've been trying POF for years with almost no results. It's rare people reply; it's rarer they give me positive ones, rarer still that I get contact details to continue - and don't get me started on the last 10 people to do that. They gave me addresses that they soon stopped using! (mostly, msn - a sure sign that it's well and truly dead now). But 'like-minded people to do things with' sounds like a good criteria. I'll write that one on my profile.

I know lots of people online. Like, 100. But people I can actually hang out with in real life are rare. Only two are reliable. What I want to do is try approaching people in real life, because I'm scared to do that. I want this to supplement my online interaction, because seriously - I need to get off the computer more. What I'm after is the ability to take action; it's the psychological barriers I have, the fear of reprimand (I've been shouted at rudely one time I did this, and I think that's what scarred me for life in this aspect of living).
 

Daniel Ferguson

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PS: I have high-functioning Autism (or average Asperger's, I think), so I'm ridiculously well-adapted for a clinically proven "retard". I was diagnosed at 3 years old, which helped a LOT. Also going to a normal school - I was this close to being shoved into a Special Needs school where they let em eat glue and lick windows etc.

AS impairs verbal communication, but written is pretty good in my case because I'm a Creative Writing student who got tutored in English at home by my mum as a kid, and found that hey, I actually liked this writing and reading stuff. Mathematics is a lost cause though. And science was only interesting in the mad way.

I'm indecisive and don't take many chances/opportunities. But, this sounds like some actually *good* advice, so I'll see how it goes following this. Thanks.
 
Feb 7, 2009
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Daniel Ferguson said:
I'm a 25 year old guy with Asperger's Syndrome, and to meet new people, I basically have to wait till people are friendly to me - there's maybe one girl a year, usually online but *sometimes* in class (guys are a lot bolder in this) - and my natural response is to remain quiet after a point.

PS: I'd like a girlfriend, since I've never had one, but one step at a time.
How do you meet people? Strike up a conversation. It may sound scary, but don't be intimidated. You can start with a joke. Maybe joke about your condition if you can. It shows confidence, and everyone needs to laugh at themselves from time to time.

Ooh! I've got one!

"Hi! My name is (your name here), and I have ESP (psycic powers)!" (Pause to let them comment on your psycic abilities.) "Oh, wait! Sorry, it's not ESP I have. It's ASP. Did I mention I'm also dislexic?"
 

IndomitableSam

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Good luck and keep us updated on how you're doing!

I'm not one to talk, as I'm currently unemployed and go out once a week or so other than grocery shopping. :p We all have our reasons for avoiding public meetings, but we all find a way to be okay with it. Once you've found yours, things will become easy.
 

yellingatpixels

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Dec 9, 2010
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buddy of mine was new to the city. She joined a readers circle (ummm... an SF/Fantasy book club: that's whereI met her) AND she took a cake decorating course.

Guess what: she always came to the book club... with CAKE!!!!

So: that's the only "trick" I have. Join something you enjoy. Bookclub was very fun: may be up your alley. Nice thing is you can just sit and lsiten, participate as you like. No need to walk up to folks and start a conversation.

And: seriously: kudos for giving this a shot and PLEASE let us know how it goes!
 

Lilani

Sometimes known as CaitieLou
May 27, 2009
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Daniel Ferguson said:
I'm a 25 year old guy with Asperger's Syndrome, and to meet new people, I basically have to wait till people are friendly to me - there's maybe one girl a year, usually online but *sometimes* in class (guys are a lot bolder in this) - and my natural response is to remain quiet after a point.

PS: I'd like a girlfriend, since I've never had one, but one step at a time.
I'm glad no one here has recommended going around to bars and stuff. Don't do that. If you aren't the type who enjoys going to bars, there's no point. The only types of people you'll meet hanging out at bars are the types of people who like to hang out at bars. And you don't seem like that kind of person.

It sounds like you're in college, so find a student group or club that shares your interests. My school has an anime club, and I like anime, so I joined up with them. I made a large group of new friends there, and I met my boyfriend there. Wasn't even looking for a boyfriend, but there he was.

So try to find some sort of book, art, gaming, service, or whatever club and join up with them. College is a prime time to redefine yourself and accumulate unique groups of friends. The best way to meet people is to just put yourself in situations where you'll be most likely to meet others who share your interests :) Good luck!
 

Daniel Ferguson

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@ManWithSoap: That's hilarious! If I ever feel like being funny, I'll give that a shot.

@IndomitableSam: Ditto, basically. I go out for Uni... and that's really it. Once a month there's a writer's social group in the city, and once a month there's a writer's critique group (specifically SF) that I go to when I can. It's pretty much people in their 30's at least, mind you. (seems the only options are 30+ or teen/under 21...)
I should get a job.

@Pixels: Now that you mention that, I just remembered there's a SF bookclub in my city! Now, what's it called...?

@Lilani: Yeah, bars are over-rated, as far as people go. BUT my local plays my kind of music. I HATE club music. Give me pub rock any day. (I sound like an oldie now). I really only go with my friend, we hang, chill, drink, listen to music we like (live) and keep away from people. It works well enough for us. And we tend to go to karaoke anyway which a) has people who are older, wiser, less dickheaded, etc and b) it's karaoke. Yes, I do that. But it doesn't mean I socialise, not much anyway. My brother comes with. He enthusiastically makes a fool of himself despite not being a) Asian or b) even slightly drunk.
So I have a... not really love/hate relation with my local bar as much as a lukewarm relation.
Student groups, I'm not aware of ANY good ones at Uni. But I haven't looked in years, so... might as well look. Thanks for that.
 

crudus

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Daniel Ferguson said:
I'm indecisive and don't take many chances/opportunities. But, this sounds like some actually *good* advice, so I'll see how it goes following this. Thanks.
Games are a good way to meet people. Work is a good way to meet people. Quite honestly, you just start talking. Example, I was at a convention and I met someone because I overheard her saying her batteries (for her camera) were dead. I had batteries with me and let her have them. We spent the rest of the day together. I met someone else because she made a snide comment at me, I retorted, and we spent almost we rest of the convention together/talking. Granted I am a more social person so I can make it seem effortless. If you want to meet people go to a club (like an activity club, not a rave). For example, if you want to meet a lot of people at once, go to a book club or a creative writing club. If you want to meet one person at a time, go to a chess club or something of the like(note: these are just examples. It is best if you go to a club for something you enjoy). Now, I can't tell you how to get around the difficulties associated with Asperger's, since I have never had them. I do know that if you put yourself in a social situation (and don't close yourself off), you will meet people. I hope that helps.
 

tharglet

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Jul 21, 2010
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If you're feeling lonely, sometimes it's good to go online and chat, just to get over it. I like playing MMOs and chatting over IRC. Can use it as conversational practice as people online tend to be more forgiving in certain respects, and you don't have to worry about body language or slow replies. Certainly helped me lol.

In the long run, especially for us Aspie types, it's usually good to get into clubs (or jobs) where there are going to be people with similar interests. This makes it a lot easier to break the ice and speak to new people, due to being within your main interest circle.

You could see if there is a local AS group, but depending on the severity of your AS, this may or may not work out. I went to my local one and it was mainly people who were severely affected, so they couldn't really share my main interests (computers, programmin' and gaming). Prolly would be better off going to a Linux User's Group or something myself.

Due to being a programmer, it's easier for me working than it ever was in education, as there's often aspie programmers lol, so you tend to find it easier to get along with each other. But yer... uni isn't the end of the world... I much prefer working life ^^.
 

Svenparty

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Stop dwelling on your autism. It's keeping you from meeting new people because you can use it as an excuse to back up any difficulty. I have Aspergers syndrome but I don't let that shape my identity. None of my friends have autism and I feel meeting people on the spectrum(which is very diverse) won't help you as much as meeting people without the syndrome.

I went to an Aspergers help thing and one guy was obsessed with Fishing and another with something else. I could not relate AT ALL alienating me further. Who is the closest person to you? Hang out with them and their friends.
 

Daniel Ferguson

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The person closest to me has basically no other friends, that I know of.

At a doctor's instruction, I'm taking double the dose of sleeping pills, as they have some anti-anxiety stuff in them. I'll see how that goes.

I went to a Nanowrimo group gathering today. That was nice. Good to be able to get out and participate in somthing.
 

Eclipse Dragon

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I've been in a happy relationship with my boyfriend whom also has Asperger's Syndrome. I met him online, the process went something like this...

First it started in a chatroom/Instant messaging
Then we started to talk on the phone
Then we met in person
We've been officially together for about three years now

It's slow going since it's online dating, there's the usual hurdles to get over, you could try online gaming co-op if that helps. This is how we did it at least, your situation is similar, so I thought at least this might help.

Edit: I should mention, we've been officially together for about three years, I've known him MUCH longer than that. In total I've known him around ten years.
 

Birdfalcon

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Well As someone with aspgers i can honestly say the biggest issue we have is social anexity. What i would do is try a social mmo program like second life it allows you to get out and create an avatar in the realtive safety of your own home. You can take your avatar out to virtual clubs and do all sorts of things like take part in sports and roleplay in just about any setting you want. And you can do it with real people from around the world
 

Daniel Ferguson

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Update time!

Good: I signed up for some meetup groups. There's one for 20s and 30s in my local city, though their first meeting isn't till the 15th of the month. I messaged someone so as to have someone I know when I go, if they reply (at all) before then.

Bad: I can't smile. I don't know how to fake a smile when there's nothing immediately smile-worthy happening. Relaxing is hit-or-miss.

More bad: Online dating doesn't work for me. Nobody ever responds, if they do it's only a couple times, and if they say yes, they turn around and change their mind, so it was a yes spelled no (or no spelled yes, whatever). Two have done that; the rest always, always say no. I've messaged easilly 150-200 women about dating, only those two mind-changers said yes. So I HAVE to do real life. There's no other choice.

Eh: I have IMVU. Second Life doesn't work on my was-obsolete-day-1 computer. It helps a bit I guess.

Mixed: New Years Eve party. I went to one, at the house of a friend I've known since the days of lame old myspace (bane of my online existence). She and her boyfriend know this awesome girl that I'm now friends with on facebook. I asked this girl out, unsuprisingly it's a no. But the party was decent.
 

Zack Alklazaris

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Daniel Ferguson said:
I'm a 25 year old guy with Asperger's Syndrome, and to meet new people, I basically have to wait till people are friendly to me - there's maybe one girl a year, usually online but *sometimes* in class (guys are a lot bolder in this) - and my natural response is to remain quiet after a point.

PS: I'd like a girlfriend, since I've never had one, but one step at a time.
I have Aspergers too. I had trouble meeting women (I usually would find one after 6 months to a year of searching) I am now married to a dream girl. A geeky gamer who understands my disorder.

Now I may take heat for this, but I met her on Myspace. Yea, go figure. I would recommend you seek out social networks of similar, but perhaps not as "teeny" tastes. Those online dating sites (harmony for example) never gave me anything worth while. But you need to plant yourself in your comfort zone. If you love video games go to game sites like the Escapist or in the games themselves. If you like movies go to movie forums, etc.

I strongly recommend online because if your anything like me you will feel safer here online. You can double check your words and take your time with every answer. Which is perfect for an aspie. Your problem is you need to learn how to respond better online, that will come with trial and error. As well as romance advice from others.

If you truly have problems last resort is parties. Don't drink too much, but you can be amazed at how much someone will forgive you at a party. I usually stumble over my words and say things inappropriate when I'm sober. So drop it into a party setting and I appear normal.

If you have any questions or need more advice don't hesitate to ask me.
Good Luck,
Zack