Well.
I proved last night that I become a ****. I become the type of heterosexual male that I despise. I end up posturing in a most disgusting manly fashion, upsetting my girlfriend, making a total dick of myself and genuinely attempting to get nominated for "Worlds Greatest Douchebag". At least, that is what happened last night. Which fucking sucks.
Most of the time I am nice, kind and just in a happy and chilled out mood. I mostly goof around, essentially all it does is pull out the bits of me that I am afraid to show in public because I attempt to remain calm and restrained at all times.
But that bit of me that came out last night was just... Not something I like. Not a part of me that I even remember WAS a part of me. I spent most of today hating myself for it. It achieved nothing. Actually, it achieved something, it made me hate most men because all but one of my male friends thought there was nothing wrong with how I acted. Which is just... Bad. I mean, fuck, all I did was posture, act aggressive and violent, act like my partner was my possession, upset her, brought the mood right down, pissed off a bloke I actually like. And people think that is not a bad thing?
Man, I am rambling endlessly. I guess it is just the generic sorryness coming out cause I am ridiculously tired. Just upset with the person I became, however briefly, whilst drunk. Not excusing my behaviour, just making a statement of fact.
So um...
How do I change? I let the bits of me that I am afraid to show loose. And, apparently, the bits of me that I didn't even know existed and wish I could take outside to be put infront of a firing squad manned by my morals and my conscience and then buried in a shallow grave.