How do you deal with undesired emotions?

[Sleepy Sol]

I ask because recent events have caused me to look on my life with a feeling of emptiness and unimportance.

I began going to university straight out of high school a few months ago. And it's been a fun ride so far, but sometimes when I'm alone, or something I perceive as sad happens, these feelings pop up that make me feel like the least accomplished human on the planet, save my good grades in high school. Considering my family's hopes run on me graduating from university, I feel like I have to meet their expectations, but it just feels like a suffocatingly heavy weight on my shoulders. What makes me feel worse is that if I muck up now, my life up to this point probably means nothing. It might be more fitting for me, considering I've been mostly unnoticeable to others during my time living.

So, usually, I present a facade of happiness to most other people. They don't really get the full picture. I have friends from both high school and university, but I never really open up to them a whole lot, and it always feels like I'm just an afterthought in the group since I have trouble initiating conversations.

These things build up until I'm just not satisfied with myself or what I've gotten out of life. Everything just feels kind of meaningless.

Even then, there are times when I am quite content with my life. I guess this is just one of the "bad" episodes. I know it's really only my fault that I feel like this, but sometimes the sadness train just hits me without warning. What do you do to deal with feelings you don't want?

Oh, and sorry about generally being a depressing sod. I just seem to be in a bit of a funk today.

 

[TWRule]

Given what you've said so far, it doesn't seem like the question you are really concerned with his how to deal with the feelings themselves; you want to believe (and I think with some qualifications you'd be right to do so) that you have those feelings because of something about how you live your life and your general attitude toward that. So the question is actually what should be done to change how you live, not just so you stop feeling those feelings, but so that you can believe the underlying issues causing them are resolved (or at least that you are making serious effort toward resolving them).

For starters, I think you are right to look at the nature of your relationships with others, as well as what is really motivating you to action in your (academic) career. Reflect on what those should be, then compare to what they are.

 

[Foolery]

You're probably gonna think I'm a dick, but is that it? Sounds like you have a pretty swell life to me. Not everyone has a chance to go to university or has help paying for it. But hey, nothing terribly wrong with a bit of the blues, or nerves. I'd say work on your self-esteem if you think any of those are serious problems.
As for how I deal with my emotions? I read. Or exercise. Take a long walk. Listen to some music.

 

[Sleepy Sol]

Thanks to both of you for replying.

snip

Sounds like a good idea to me. I began college changing my intended major, without a real justification for it. So that might have been part of the problem. I've since switched it back to what I planned coming into college, and hopefully it'll give me more motivation since it's something I enjoy quite a bit more. Relationships with friends are kind of a work-in-progress, but I think I'm starting to get there as far as feeling fulfilled about them.

another snip

Oh, not at all. I kinda needed something like that to snap me back into a more positive attitude. I wasn't even seeing the entire picture myself, so I'm grateful that you helped me realize it. As for me, music (appropriate to the situation) is definitely a big helper in allowing me to cope with this stuff when it comes up for whatever reason.

 

[Musette]

Based on what you're saying, it kind of reminds me of a similar slump I had in my second semester of college. I had amazing grades in high school, yet went into a field that although I loved (and still love) to death, I was not nearly as capable in. I felt constantly outclassed by my peers, barely talked to them because I felt like I would make an idiot of myself, and I kept getting this creeping feeling that they didn't really care to have me around either. My social life still has some pretty bad issues to this day as a result of that.

As far as I know, the things that got me out of that slump were 1) forcing myself to stop comparing myself to others and instead look at my own personal growth, and 2) I stopped making grand assumptions about what others think of me. I also came to discover/understand my sexuality in a bit of a surprise revelation near the end of that slump too, though I don't know if that influenced anything at all since it was fairly late into that slump I had that I started thinking something was wrong with me in regards to sexuality.

Sometimes it helps to breathe and take things one day at a time and put the positives and negatives of a situation into perspective. One of my professors used to (and sometimes stil does) force me to only talk about the positive things about my performances when all I wanted to do was address what went wrong, and believe it or not, it's easy to forget just how many things you're doing right when you're focusing on the couple of things you're doing wrong. A little positivity tends to go a long way when it comes to these kinds of slumps.

I hope that helps!

 

[Sleepy Sol]

ze snip

It certainly does. As it is now, I'm not really viewing the positive side of my situation, but these responses sort of brought me back into perspective to a place where I can find the positivity. Thank you.

That's pretty much how I feel around my university friends right now. It feels like I'm the person with no talent (already comparing myself to others) and no defining features. And I don't really want to talk for fear of...well, pretty much what you said. Basically, that's pretty identical to what I'm experiencing at the moment. Hopefully I can change that.

Thank you very much for the help!

 

[Kolby Jack]

I differentiate between emotions and states of mind. Sadness, anger, elation, etc. are emotions, which to me means they are normal, fleeting, and never a bad thing to have. Happiness, depression, apathy, etc. are states of mind. These are more permanent, and are also more controllable. That doesn't mean that anyone can just choose to be happy, and I strongly disagree with that disturbingly popular notion. Being in a state of mind you don't want to be in takes effort to get out of, but it's by no means impossible. You just have to figure what it will take to make you happy and get work on making it happen. It can be hard especially for those fallen on hard times, but finding happiness IS something anyone can do, especially if they have help doing it. You just have to take the first step.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

I dance around them. Dancy, dancy. And then they go away.

 

[stormeris]

I'll just put in my earphones, turn on some heavy metal, lean on a wall, away from everyone else and close my eyes.
Even if someone wanted to talk to me, i wouldn't hear or see them, so people rarely bother me.

 

[sextus the crazy]

I ask because recent events have caused me to look on my life with a feeling of emptiness and unimportance.

I began going to university straight out of high school a few months ago. And it's been a fun ride so far, but sometimes when I'm alone, or something I perceive as sad happens, these feelings pop up that make me feel like the least accomplished human on the planet, save my good grades in high school. Considering my family's hopes run on me graduating from university, I feel like I have to meet their expectations, but it just feels like a suffocatingly heavy weight on my shoulders. What makes me feel worse is that if I muck up now, my life up to this point probably means nothing. It might be more fitting for me, considering I've been mostly unnoticeable to others during my time living.

So, usually, I present a facade of happiness to most other people. They don't really get the full picture. I have friends from both high school and university, but I never really open up to them a whole lot, and it always feels like I'm just an afterthought in the group since I have trouble initiating conversations.

These things build up until I'm just not satisfied with myself or what I've gotten out of life. Everything just feels kind of meaningless.

Even then, there are times when I am quite content with my life. I guess this is just one of the "bad" episodes. I know it's really only my fault that I feel like this, but sometimes the sadness train just hits me without warning. What do you do to deal with feelings you don't want?

Oh, and sorry about generally being a depressing sod. I just seem to be in a bit of a funk today.

I'd recommend that you identify your problems and then fix them. Yeah, it's vague and robotic, but it works.

For example, you mentioned having problems with friends due to intimacy and initiating conversations. Next time you're in the dining hall or something and you see someone who you know, walk up to them and ask them how their day is going. Initiating small chit-chat like that often enough and talking to people will get easier. Just have the patience to start out slowly and don't lose hope if it doesn't always work out. Sometimes, things just work out poorly. It's not the end of the world and you'll be a lot better off if you pick yourself up and try again.

 

[Abomination]

When I feel an emotion coming along I swallow a cement pill the size of a brick and adjust my scrotum slightly.

Then I go punch a bear to death.

 

[Funyahns]

Get used to being conflicted in life. Part of dealing with life is wanting to do things you can't or thinking dangerous thoughts. The little voice that says to touch the fire, or to jump from high places.

 

[Musette]

It certainly does. As it is now, I'm not really viewing the positive side of my situation, but these responses sort of brought me back into perspective to a place where I can find the positivity. Thank you.

That's pretty much how I feel around my university friends right now. It feels like I'm the person with no talent (already comparing myself to others) and no defining features. And I don't really want to talk for fear of...well, pretty much what you said. Basically, that's pretty identical to what I'm experiencing at the moment. Hopefully I can change that.

Thank you very much for the help!

I'm glad I was of help! That slump I had in my second semester was pretty difficult to work with, especially since I was going against so many of my personal philosophies concerning self-confidence. (I go by the idea of "If you can't change what you see in the mirror, you might as well enjoy what is there" literally and figuratively, which tends to let me be at peace with myself in some ways that others have difficulty with.)

In my case, things slowly improved. I decided that even if I had the gut feeling that I was the weakest link among my peers, that I would continue to focus on personal growth, and try to take pride in my accomplishments. I also slowly discovered that some of my peers actually thought quite well of me as a musician (my peers are fellow percussion students) in certain respects, which was actually kind of shocking for me. Sometimes, it helps to discover for yourself that the assumptions concerning how others perceived you were wrong, or at the very least, not let it rob you of potentially interesting conversation. My social life.. Okay, that's still pretty much nonexistent, but at the very least, I have actual conversations with classmates now, and some of them would even consider me a friend, even if just a casual one. I can't even completely blame that slump either because I'm not used to managing, maintaining, or building new friendships without the help of my twin (seriously, she manages my social life so much better than I do.)

Either way, If your mental state matches how mine was at that point in my life, then it can be pretty heavy to deal with. However, you did one thing that I didn't really do: you reached out to find people to talk to about it. I think I talked to maybe one longer-distance friend about it, but made it to be much less than it actually was and basically dismissed his attempts to help. That's probably why I struggled with it for an entire semester before I started to turn around. I wish you luck, and hopefully, this will be an incredibly short-lived state of mind

 

[Sarge034]

I would say think about what will make you feel accomplished. If you are just doing school to please your folks and putting your plans on hold, don't. I did that like a good son and was miserable. By the time I decided to follow my own dreams I was so far behind the curve I will probably never fulfill my only dream. God I wish I could go back and do things differently... and now I'm sounding old. -.-

 

[mrpollio]

Option 1: Alcohol and social network stalking.
Option 2: Exercise and placing yourself in situation where initiating social interaction is required (charity work, sports, college club)

Sounds like you need to cast off some social dead weight, and sadly this could include some attachment to family. Start talking about what you want to talk about. You'll lose some loosely termed friends who survive off bland pleasantries and get closer to those who actually have an interest in your concerns.

For family, if they can't understand what their projection and pressures are doing to you then they are not good influences in your life and need to be marginalized before you lose your mind.

A typical misconception is that people will laugh at you or dislike you for your honest expression of feeling, it is the same way people with panic attacks trick themselves into thinking that if they freak out and collapse people will ridicule them rather than try to help.

 

[TheIceQueen]

Were I a psychotherapist - fancy word for counselor - (and I'd like to stress that I'm not, yet), I would use a combination of Adlerian therapy and Existential therapy to help you deal with the feelings that you've having. Those therapies seem as though they would be the best fit for you. It's late right now so I don't want to go into it at all, but if you're interested in these you could PM me and I'll regale you with how the therapies basically work.

As for me, I read, roleplay, and play video games to help with my undesired emotions.

 

[bjj hero]

Your thought shape your emotions. Changing your perspective and what you think about things will change your mood. As mentioned previously, you are lucky. Many people would kill to be in your position. You're intelligent (big assumption, I know) and have the support to get an education. This gives you masses of potential. You will go on to do "something" no matter what happens, thats the way life works, so take some of the pressure off. It will come together, even if you cannot predict the outcome.

If you struggle socially then you need more practice. Interacting is a skill so go and keep doing it. Struggling to start a converstation? Awk a question. Everyones favourite subject is themselves.Have you been here before? Do you like the music? Where are you from? What made you pick your subject? What did you do this weeknd? Have you seen the new whatever movie yet? Even if you screw up its only remembered for 5 minutes until the next person says something equally dumb. So throw yourself into sociap situations, even if it feels awkward at first. You are learning. You will only have to keep doing it through life when you move, get a new job, your kid starts a new school with new parents. So get your practice in now when there are few real consequences.

Do one thing for me, try as many sports as you can. There will never be an easier time to do it than at uni. Try most of them at least once, you will find something you like. Exercise will help with your mood, your sleep pattern, you will make new friends with similar interests, you will gain confidence from learning a new skill and will be healthier.

Being new at something also changes your perspective. Most people do a handful of things they are competent at and thats it. Being new, asking questions, getting it wrong and figuring out something new is all good for your developement.

So do your work but try to relax and enjoy the experience. Uni is a time you can fuck up with minimal harm caused. You have 3-4 years to iron out any mistakes and most people graduate, unless youre looking at becoming a surgeon you dont need a first. Look at it this way, if you make a mistake, will some one die? Will the stockmarket crash? Will there be a nuclear melt down?

Thought not, so put it in perspective, think of this as a chance to try things risk free and lose some of the pressure. If youre away from homeand find yourself feeling glum, find something to do. It will pass quickly.

 

[Olas]

How do I deal with negative emotions? I do just that, I deal with them. There's no magical cure, you just get over it.

Of course I'm talking about normal negative emotions from day to day things, not from mental illnesses like depression which you should seek help for.

 

[Queen Michael]

Hm. My usual trick for feeling positive is buying myself a can of soda and marvelling over how amazing it is that I live in a time where such a thing as soda and the cans we get it in actually exist, as well as refridgerators to keep them in, But that'll only work if you think they're as marvellous as I do, but I'd give it a shot if I were you since if it fails you've only wasted less than a dollar.