How do you lead in a relationship when you are a girl?

[Florion]

I got myself a gamer nerd! <3 Yes I did. I so happy. He got the courage to ask me out last Thursday, which caught me off-guard because we've only known each other for four years, sheesh... maybe subtract the year-and-a-half where his best friend butted in and went out with me and we'll call it a fair count. But still, that is like a two, two-and-a-half year wait! Sigh.

Anyhow, he's never even asked anyone out before let alone dated, and he is generally a shy, thoughtful type.
"WHAT DO I DO NOW?" he asks me with all the expression of a hydrophobic puppy that's accidentally waded into the lake while chasing a ball and is now stuck.
"I DON'T KNOW," I answer, since everyone I've ever dated has led for me and done most of the work. The subway car comes to collect me and we awkwardly say goodbye without hugging because he's paralyzed and I keep waiting for him to initiate this sort of contact. (I've gotten a hug out of him before, but that was because I was teasing his professed inability to hug by pretending to teach him.)

So alas! I got myself a gamer nerd! T_T But that is okay, because he is amazing and gentle and I've never had (reciprocated) feelings for anyone before him! I will figure this out in the name of love! <3 So my questions for you, dear Escapists:
1- What sort of things can I do to lead without emasculating? (I am assuming I cannot emulate my ex-partners 1:1 since that would be weird...)
2- How do you explain what a relationship is? (he's asked me this at some point, I think he means like, "well, we liked each other before, what do we have to do differently now that it's out in the open?")

Spoiler: CHALLENGE QUESTION: How do we handle his best friend/my ex sensitively? (spoiler'd for excessive drama/general superfluousness)

I think we have a "bros before hoes" conundrum on our hands! D: But before you burn us for our scandalous treachery, I will try to give you what background info I do have.
My nerd and I have known each other since French class in 10th grade, where we would shyly smile at each other from across the room, and one time we did a project together (he apparently still has the drawings I made for it after all these years). Around the same time, his best friend was shoving my then-crush (another guy) up against the wall in order to retrieve the homework stolen from me (my then-crush was kind of a jerk to me). The following year, absolutely nothing happened, but the year after that, the best friend asked me out, and since I had no reason to say no, I didn't. This relationship basically followed the usual, drama-filled on-and-off course that most high school relationships do, but I will basically summarize by saying that, whatever happened, he loved me, I did a bad thing in leading him on, and I ended up absorbed into his circle of friends who've known each other since middle school. We split up during winter break the following year. Everybody involved remained friends.

Sometime that spring, our mutual girl friend said she had to tell me something, so we got coffee together. She took a good hour or so to explain in WAY too much detail, but I will basically summarize by saying that she confessed that she had been in love with my ex for a long time and they actually cheated together for three days back when we were still going out.
" THIS WAS SO LONG AGO, I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE. I NEED SLEEP. I WILL THINK ABOUT THIS LATER."
"Yeah. So since then, we..." Apparently she felt so guilty that she proceeded to tell me everything I didn't already know. She also told me that [my nerd] liked me, and that my ex has a history of going for whatever girl his best friend admits to liking ("you remember how he'd always try to make out with you in front of [his best friend/my nerd]?").
"DDD: WAIT WHAT? ;_; I used to like him too... I think I'm gonna go home and cry now..."
"No, don't worry about it, it wouldn't work out anyway. So..." (she didn't let me go home either, I think I was there for a good three hours in the end.)

In any case, after all confrontations were done and over with, everybody involved still remained friends. This girl goes to school far away, so we only see her during summer/winter break; my ex goes to school at a different campus, but takes a class at our campus once a week, so there's four of us hanging out on Wednesdays (the two boys, me, and another girl who's not romantically interested in either of them). My ex and I flirt with each other just because we are both flirty people, but we have told each other that we mean nothing by this (and in light of recent events, I definitely intend to tone it down).
-Is it up to the boys to resolve it between themselves, or is there anything I can do to make it easier?
-What level of subtlety do we maintain around my ex before telling him?
-When do we tell him?

 

[Galletea]

Firstly, congrats. You seem over the moon with this development and long may it continue.
Nextly, you don't really need to take control and lead him by the nose; if he's shy and uncertain then just take it one step at a time. He'll probably be quite happy for you to lead in terms of bodily contact...regardless of how far you're going here, I'm not just talking about sex. Most of your problems will be resolved as his confidence increases.

Relationships are difficult to define, since there are so many types. I like the avoiding the subject answer of something like "I don't know about relationships but I know I like being with you, so it's all good right?." give or take a little cheese.

If you're all good friends, then telling the other dude shouldn't really be an issue. I'd give it a while though, for your new beau to get a little more confident in the whole relationship thing before you put him on the spot and tell his best friend. Being subtle or whatever is down to personal preference. I'm not big on the whole PDA thing, a bit of affection is fine but eating each other's faces with other people around isn't good for them and I'd find it a bit weird too. If you all hang around together then you could tell him, you don't have to leave it to your man. If the other guy still loves you, then he'll just have to deal with his own feelings, you can't really be responsible for anyone else.

 

[BloatedGuppy]

1- What sort of things can I do to lead without emasculating? (I am assuming I cannot emulate my ex-partners 1:1 since that would be weird...)

2- How do you explain what a relationship is? (he's asked me this at some point, I think he means like, "well, we liked each other before, what do we have to do differently now that it's out in the open?")

Usually the stronger personality "leads" in a relationship. The most important thing is not whether you lead, or he leads, but that if you end up being the "lead" that you don't hold it against him. Society, unfortunately, has standards for men that can be just as rigid and unforgiving as the ones they have for women. So if you enjoy his personality as is...gentle, unassuming, shy...don't push him to "be the man" or "make you feel like a woman" by taking charge, and everything will be copacetic.

As for #2 there, I really don't know what to say about that, because it's impossibly naive. He should know...so it's possible he's using that question to wheedle out the terms of physical attention. If he's not, and he honestly doesn't know what a relationship is, then you've got your work cut out for you because he's somehow manage to escape being socialized through the first quarter of his life.

-Is it up to the boys to resolve it between themselves, or is there anything I can do to make it easier?
-What level of subtlety do we maintain around my ex before telling him?
-When do we tell him?[/spoiler]

1. There's nothing to resolve.
2. Zero level of subtlety.
3. You don't need to tell him. I'm sure he'll figure it out.

Relationships, especially at your age, are transitory. Breaking up with someone and watching them date someone else is part of life. Everyone will cope.

 

[Florion]

Firstly, congrats. You seem over the moon with this development and long may it continue.
Nextly, you don't really need to take control and lead him by the nose; if he's shy and uncertain then just take it one step at a time. He'll probably be quite happy for you to lead in terms of bodily contact...regardless of how far you're going here, I'm not just talking about sex. Most of your problems will be resolved as his confidence increases.

Relationships are difficult to define, since there are so many types. I like the avoiding the subject answer of something like "I don't know about relationships but I know I like being with you, so it's all good right?." give or take a little cheese.

If you're all good friends, then telling the other dude shouldn't really be an issue. I'd give it a while though, for your new beau to get a little more confident in the whole relationship thing before you put him on the spot and tell his best friend. Being subtle or whatever is down to personal preference. I'm not big on the whole PDA thing, a bit of affection is fine but eating each other's faces with other people around isn't good for them and I'd find it a bit weird too. If you all hang around together then you could tell him, you don't have to leave it to your man. If the other guy still loves you, then he'll just have to deal with his own feelings, you can't really be responsible for anyone else.

Thank you very much, Galletea... that is some rather practical advice!

 

[artanis_neravar]

snip

First, "Bros before hoes" the choice should always be the one who isn't giving you the ultimatum.

Now that I got that out of the way. Just do what you feel is right, I doubt he will feel emasculated unless you are ordering him around.

-Is it up to the boys to resolve it between themselves, or is there anything I can do to make it easier?

- There is really nothing to resolve, however you should tell your nerd what the girl told you about his best friend (This part: ex has a history of going for whatever girl his best friend admits to liking) 'cause that ain't a best friend at all, that's not even a normal friend. To offer an example of what I think a friend would do in this case - My best friend has admitted that the girl I am crushing on is attractive but has made it very clear that if he ever had the opportunity he wouldn't do anything because he knows I have feelings for her.

-What level of subtlety do we maintain around my ex before telling him?

- None, although I am not a fan of people making out in front of me I wouldn't expect my friends to hide their relationships, and you shouldn't feel obliged to hide yours.

-When do we tell him?

- When ever you want to tell him, don't base the speed of your relationship on any but the two of you.

and finally

2- How do you explain what a relationship is? (he's asked me this at some point, I think he means like, "well, we liked each other before, what do we have to do differently now that it's out in the open?")

Basically, you are now each others best friend and more. But beyond that I can't really put it into words.

 

[vacerious]

I got myself a gamer nerd! <3 Yes I did. I so happy. He got the courage to ask me out last Thursday, which caught me off-guard because we've only known each other for four years, sheesh... maybe subtract the year-and-a-half where his best friend butted in and went out with me and we'll call it a fair count. But still, that is like a two, two-and-a-half year wait! Sigh.

Anyhow, he's never even asked anyone out before let alone dated, and he is generally a shy, thoughtful type. "WHAT DO I DO NOW?" he asks me with all the expression of a hydrophobic puppy that's accidentally waded into the lake while chasing a ball and is now stuck.
"I DON'T KNOW," I answer, since everyone I've ever dated has led for me and done most of the work. The subway car comes to collect me and we awkwardly say goodbye without hugging because he's paralyzed and I keep waiting for him to initiate this sort of contact. (I've gotten a hug out of him before, but that was because I was teasing his professed inability to hug by pretending to teach him.)

Congratulations! You two sound like a really cute couple, by the way.

So alas! I got myself a gamer nerd! T_T But that is okay, because he is amazing and gentle and I've never had (reciprocated) feelings for anyone before him! I will figure this out in the name of love! <3 So my questions for you, dear Escapists:
1- What sort of things can I do to lead without emasculating? (I am assuming I cannot emulate my ex-partners 1:1 since that would be weird...)

By the sounds of it, you will have to do a little bit of leading. This is because your new boyfriend is inexperienced and perhaps a little self-conscious. That means that it's up to you to establish and understand the boundaries you are willing to place on this relationship. Since you both sound like you know each other fairly well, there won't be an awkward "getting to know you" phase that others have to deal with, and that goes a long way. Use the knowledge you have to help establish a first date. It doesn't have to be fancy. Just spend some time playing some video games together or go out to a movie or restaurant.

It will mean that, in all likelihood, you will have to be the one that initiates any physical contact, and that's okay. At the very least, it will take some time for him to understand and feel comfortable being around you in this new context, but he will get used to it. It only takes a little kindness and patience on your part to get him out of his shell.

2- How do you explain what a relationship is? (he's asked me this at some point, I think he means like, "well, we liked each other before, what do we have to do differently now that it's out in the open?")

That's a good question. The simple answer is, you don't. Just tell him to relax and that he doesn't have to impress anyone. Each relationship is unique, and there's just no way of defining human relationships in one general way. There's no set way to act while in a relationship, it's based on the person you're sharing it with. In this case, I'd make sure not to force him into doing things he's not comfortable doing in public. He's shy and will want to express himself at his own pace, and it's his right to. But also understand that you're in the relationship, as well, and that, at least in private, you have emotional needs that he needs to fulfill. It's important to communicate what the both of you hope to gain out of the relationship and what you're comfortable doing with each other. But most of all, relax, because the hard part has yet to come.

CHALLENGE QUESTION(s):

Bring it on! I'm on a roll today!

Is it up to the boys to resolve it between themselves, or is there anything I can do to make it easier?

Yes, it is absolutely up to the boys to resolve this issue themselves. Don't get involved unless you absolutely have to. The ex might still feel hurt that his friend "stole" someone he claims he loved, but making an active presence will only agitate these feelings because the ex might feel that you or your boyfriend are flaunting what he can't have. It's okay to play emotional support to your boyfriend if it gets nasty, but the main conflict is theirs to resolve, not yours. If they truly believe in "bros before hos" as you claim, then your relationship shouldn't have any lasting impact on their friendship.

What level of subtlety do we maintain around my ex before telling him?

That's up to you. But the longer you keep it hidden, the more likely he is to figure it out. Better he hears it early on and straight from the source than keeping him in the dark. It will give him more time to deal with the change.

When do we tell him?

Again, this is up to you, but I recommend sooner rather than later. Secret relationships can be tough work, and people will eventually find out about it anyways. Again, better that he hears it early on and straight from the source than allowing him to stew over the both of you behaving strangely.

I hope this helps and wish your new relationship the best!

 

[renegade7]

Just spend lots of time together.

 

[Florion]

(snip)

I hope this helps and wish your new relationship the best!

<3 Thank you very much for your thoughtful response! I think it does help.

 

[Sandernista]

Artanis said it better than I could.

So congrats! And good luck!

 

[cobra_ky]

-Is it up to the boys to resolve it between themselves, or is there anything I can do to make it easier?
-What level of subtlety do we maintain around my ex before telling him?
-When do we tell him?[/spoiler]

1. There's nothing to resolve.
2. Zero level of subtlety.
3. You don't need to tell him. I'm sure he'll figure it out.

Relationships, especially at your age, are transitory. Breaking up with someone and watching them date someone else is part of life. Everyone will cope.

I can tell you from personal experience that he might not figure it out. :/

 

[Flamezdudes]

You just need to really let it happen really... when my girlfriend and I started dating 5 months ago it was awkward at first since we're both quite shy and physical contact happened slowly.. eventually my confidence increased and I took the lead. However there are still some... difficulties with my girlfriends shyness and such but just let it take its time and it'll be fine.

I was exactly like your new boyfriend all those months ago, his confidence will increase over time.

 

[Flare Phoenix]

Do what you feel is right. If he doesn't feel comfortable taking charge in the relationship then by all means go ahead. Since he seems to be asking you what to do, it sounds like he won't be too offended. However, make sure you allow him to take charge when he feels comfortable, even if it's something small like "we should go get pizza", but don't feel like you need to force him into the role.

Just for my own personal curiousity, why didn't you ask him out? It sounded like you were waiting for him to ask you out, but why didn't you take the first step seeing how you knew he was shy.

 

[dmase]

Physical contact tends to make people loosen up. Now this doesn't mean you need to have sex but you can hug him, kiss him, lean on him while watching movies. Depending on your views on sex you can just make it clear that your showing affection that way and not looking for sex. The first girlfriend you never know if they are giving a signal or just being themselves.

 

[Florion]

Do what you feel is right. If he doesn't feel comfortable taking charge in the relationship then by all means go ahead. Since he seems to be asking you what to do, it sounds like he won't be too offended. However, make sure you allow him to take charge when he feels comfortable, even if it's something small like "we should go get pizza", but don't feel like you need to force him into the role.

Just for my own personal curiousity, why didn't you ask him out? It sounded like you were waiting for him to ask you out, but why didn't you take the first step seeing how you knew he was shy.

Hee hee. I'm shy too. We didn't hang out a lot until I started dating his friend, and I wasn't good at spotting when people are into me before then (In grade 10, I just thought he'd somehow found out I liked him and was humouring me. It wasn't that implausible since my friends would all make a huge stink about it whenever he walked by). And then afterwards, my conscious thought was something like, "well, I think I might have a crush on you, but I think that would make things awkward for [my ex] so I guess I'll just crush on other people."

 

[sir.rutthed]

First off: congrats to both of you. Young love is something special and you should enjoy it. As for your questions:

1. Relationships are all about give and take. It'll be awkward for a couple weeks until you get used to each other in the new relationship roles, but after a bit you'll fall into a groove and it should just come pretty naturally in general. You know him better than us, so you're in a better position to judge the relationship dynamics, but don't force it. Just let it come naturally.

2. You'll figure that one out too. There are certain expectations that most people have going in, but not everyone has those. For now, I suggest you two just have some fun and see where it goes.

 

[Thenextgenotaku]

1- What sort of things can I do to lead without emasculating? (I am assuming I cannot emulate my ex-partners 1:1 since that would be weird...)

Firstly, you are an awesome person and I wish you and your nerd the best. Secondly, if you need to lead in the relationship, you can do little things without making him feel emasculated. If you're going to the movies, suggest a movie you would like. If you're going to dinner, suggest a place to eat. When it comes to intimacy or contact, try leading. Go in for that kiss or hold his hand. As a 16 year old nerd myself (who has the first date of his life this weekend!), I can say that I know plenty of guys who are afraid to initiate any sort of intimacy. This is due to several reasons, most of them obvious. One, a lot of guys fear that they will be seen as over-hormonal or fear the risk of making their partner uncomfortable. Two, some guys figure are unsure of how to lead in a relationship (more common with the nerd type than most). Three, some guys are just too nervous. It took me maybe 7 months to ask a girl out after I had decided to ask her out. Anyway, try doing that.


2- How do you explain what a relationship is? (he's asked me this at some point, I think he means like, "well, we liked each other before, what do we have to do differently now that it's out in the open?").

...Can't really help you there. If he doesn't know what a relationship is, that's kinda a bad sign.



-Is it up to the boys to resolve it between themselves, or is there anything I can do to make it easier?

As the greatest musicians ever sang, "let it be". If there isn't any tension between them (and I don't see why there would be since it seems like your ex didn't really care for you that much), then don't start anything.


-What level of subtlety do we maintain around my ex before telling him?

Be as un-f*cking subtle as you want. Hold hands in front of him. Cuddle in front of him. Whatever. It sounds like your ex is kinda a douchenozzle. Maybe I'm wrong and he's a wonderful person, but from your description, he sounds like an ass.




-When do we tell him?

Whenever. Tomorrow. Never. Who cares? Again, your ex seems like an asshole. Do whatever you want.


Again, I wish you and your nerd boyfriend the best of luck.


TNGO