How do you react to being hit on/checked out?
- Thread starter Miyenne
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'Creeper' is just a shame label. The word kinda establishes that on it's own, I think, its phonetically unpleasant. It's a word people use to make someone feel unwanted whilst trying to maintain moral superiority. There are the extreme exceptions like genuine would-be sex criminals, but by and large it's just a word someone uses to try to object to flirting, or just conversation from someone they don't find attractive without looking obviously shallow. People say that it's due to the interested party overstepping a boundary line; but given that boundary line pretty well always shifts depending on the physical attractiveness of initiator we may as well boil it down to it's bare bones and just say it's a word people use to make a conventionally unattractive person feel guilty for taking a shot.Chucker said:
How do I react to being hit on? I don't remember it happening to me when the woman wasn't drunk (properly drunk), so I try to be polite in acknowledging the half-hearted compliment and gently steer them away.
My advice to the OP: I think you need to train yourself to ask what this person means to you before you let yourself react emotionally. I had a couple of similar reactions to you the other day (I'll choose one for an example). I was sat in the hairdresser waiting for my appointment, and in the process of scanning my eyes around the room, met the eyes of one of the staff for a second, which caused her to grimace. Why she even reacted at all, I don't understand, but anyway; when I was younger something like this would have made me question if I'd done something to upset her, or looked at her in a threatening way (how could I? I looked at her face for less than 2 seconds in a fairly busy hairdesser from across the room), instead I quickly asked myself:
- Do I find her very physically attractive? No. I'd date her if she and I were mutually interested, but I'm far from spellbound; so she's not 'bringing beauty to my world' or whatever other conceited shit a narcissist might dream up.
- Do I know her? Does it matter if she likes me personally? No. The worst she can do is give me a bad haircut if I go back there and wind up with her.
- Would I want to be around someone who thought it was normal to give a derisive response to a stranger for no good reason? No. I can't stand that type of person.
So I establish pretty quickly that, on the face of it, she's probably not someone I personally have any reason to value highly; which quickly reduced how much I cared about what she thought of me (or at least appeared to). I think you need to do the same with guys like this so that before you start to take it to heart for not being up to someone else's superficial standards, you ask yourself if they could really offer you anything you really wanted anyway. Granted, it won't help much if you have problems dealing with feeling of loneliness, but it should at least help you maintain a more stable sense of self worth.
As for my reaction to her: I lightly raised my eyebrows as my eyes continued to move away to give the hint that I wasn't as impressed with her as she was. It's not enough for someone to pick an argument over, but is enough to get the message across if they're still looking.
Skepticism. I want to know what the person's angle is; what they really want. I take pride in the fact that I put out feeling of being unpleasant. So even if a random person finds me physically attractive, they'd have to be massively dense to not notice just how unfriendly I appear. And I never assume that a person I don't know is stupid, that kind of assumption could get me into trouble. So I always want to know what they're trying to get from me.
That's not to say I don't make or have friends, just not many. So it's even rarer that any of them hit on me. But that has happened once or twice in the past decade. I saw it coming each time and had already worked on a speech to let them down gently.
Now, this doesn't count for online, obviously. The very fact that they can't see or experience the distance I establish automatically means I can't take them seriously. It becomes a game, and sometimes I play. But I always let them know, at the end, that I don't take online flirting, or the idea of online relationships, very seriously.
That's not to say I don't make or have friends, just not many. So it's even rarer that any of them hit on me. But that has happened once or twice in the past decade. I saw it coming each time and had already worked on a speech to let them down gently.
Now, this doesn't count for online, obviously. The very fact that they can't see or experience the distance I establish automatically means I can't take them seriously. It becomes a game, and sometimes I play. But I always let them know, at the end, that I don't take online flirting, or the idea of online relationships, very seriously.
I've only been hit on twice, several years ago and presently, actually. The first girl went into full tryhard mode, and came at me like freight train (metaphorically), which scared me the fuck away. Surprise, she turned out to be an addict and mentally unstable
The current girl is nice enough, but isn't the girl for me. Problem is we get along really well and I'd would actually like to be her friend, but she's one of those girls who thinks that her life would be drastically improved if she had a boyfriend to pal around with, and I'm just not ready for that sort of thing.
I'm not interested in having a relationship with anyone right now, and maybe never will be. There are a lot of reasons for this, but the primary one is that I'm fairly selfish in way that's hard to notice, and I feel that would negatively impact anyone I coupled with.
The current girl is nice enough, but isn't the girl for me. Problem is we get along really well and I'd would actually like to be her friend, but she's one of those girls who thinks that her life would be drastically improved if she had a boyfriend to pal around with, and I'm just not ready for that sort of thing.
I'm not interested in having a relationship with anyone right now, and maybe never will be. There are a lot of reasons for this, but the primary one is that I'm fairly selfish in way that's hard to notice, and I feel that would negatively impact anyone I coupled with.
I'm curious, why would you want to appear unfriendly? This seems like a tactical disadvantage.Pebkio said:
A couple weeks ago I went out with a girl to see her boyfriend's (also my friend) band play at a bar and there was a small group of girls checking me out, now I'm in a committed relationship but the boost to the ego is always nice. I asked my friend if she thought they were checking me out and she said that they were actually being pretty obvious about it. One of them started to walk towards us so I just casually put my arm around my friend and pretended we were together. As soon as I did that flirty-eyed girl swerved towards the bar. I really hate rejecting people so I was happy that I had avoided the situation and no one's feelings or self esteem had gotten hurt.
In general though? I enjoy the attention and will indulge in casual flirting, although I always make sure that they know it isn't going further than that, I mean flirting is fun right? It's good for the self esteem and you both end up feeling attractive and witty. Oddly enough as soon as I got into a long term relationship it seemed like the number of girls interested in me increased, which I think is kinda strange, any girls want to respond to that? Is that normal?
In general though? I enjoy the attention and will indulge in casual flirting, although I always make sure that they know it isn't going further than that, I mean flirting is fun right? It's good for the self esteem and you both end up feeling attractive and witty. Oddly enough as soon as I got into a long term relationship it seemed like the number of girls interested in me increased, which I think is kinda strange, any girls want to respond to that? Is that normal?
Tactical disadvantge to what? Get into a relationship? Well, yeah... I sure would be at a disadvantage if I actually wanted to get into a relationship. Ever. Or even socialize with large amounts of people. So I can either deal with random people wanting to include me in their day (and/or life) or I can assume an aggresive stance and wear a scowl.TIMESWORDSMAN said:
I don't do it all the time, obviously. When applying for a job I put on a different appearance; when deciding to help someone in need I put on a different appearance; when searching for information I put on a different appearance. But mostly, when out and about, I try to be unapproachable.
I always give a smile no matter the person. It let's them know "Hey, thanks for the compliment. I'm going to be a nice person right back to you!" in one little facial movement.
I do get a little frustrated when I hit on some girls at the bar and they automatically assume the worst. Seriously, the words "Hi, I think you're cute" doesn't mean "Hey fuckbox, can I fuck you right now?!". And they answer with the immediate straight-faced "I have a boyfriend" response. No, can't say thanks first? This doesn't happen much, but every once in a while one of these girls come up. And then I do probably the quickest head turn away from them. And start talking to the next pretty girl that's not a *****.
I do get a little frustrated when I hit on some girls at the bar and they automatically assume the worst. Seriously, the words "Hi, I think you're cute" doesn't mean "Hey fuckbox, can I fuck you right now?!". And they answer with the immediate straight-faced "I have a boyfriend" response. No, can't say thanks first? This doesn't happen much, but every once in a while one of these girls come up. And then I do probably the quickest head turn away from them. And start talking to the next pretty girl that's not a *****.
It's only a tactical disadvantage if you want someone around. At least that's what I've been doing with my false appearance of being unfriendly. Don't know Pebkio's reasoning is, but I wouldn't say it was far from the mark.TIMESWORDSMAN said:
Last time it happened I introduced him to my fiancée, at least I think he was hitting on me, he calm over to talk to me but left after I introduced her.
Wow, even as someone who tends to take passes like that with a smile and a thank you I find it rather worrying that you'd label someone as a ***** because they didn't want to engage in conversation with a stranger. :/ Unfriendly, maybe, but not smiling for and thanking someone because they expressed their opinion about you, a nice one but unasked for nonetheless, does not a terrible person make.rasputin0009 said:
Especially in a situation like a bar where people are there to stand around and socialise, a smile and a thank you can easily be interpreted as invitation to stay and chat, some guys won't be put off by a girl saying she has a boyfriend when she's made it seem like she's inviting his company, some guys seem to see it as a game. ('So how long have you been with him? Is it serious? Do you love him? So it's not serious, then?' etc)
Are you sure you didn't misinterpret things? If you didn't, he's probably just a douche, but its hard to picture someone reacting to what is essentially a compliment with disgust. Maybe he's like 90% of the Escapist community and doesn't react well to being checked out? Also you shouldn't be so down on yourself, lots of guys like chubby girls. I dated one a couple months back and it was lovely.Miyenne said:
Out of curiosity, what constitutes a 'creeper'? If its one of those blanket terms to encompass all people who you aren't interested in, then probably everyone has been crept on.TehCookie said:
OT: I always take it as a compliment, especially when its a complete stranger. I've never laughed in anyone's face for it.
It's actually a really good way to let people know to keep their distance from the person using the tactic.TIMESWORDSMAN said:
I used it all the time in high school. We WANT to look unfriendly, so that people will stay away.
Typically I tend not to realise that I'm being hit on until well after the fact, usually not until someone explains it to me, and I suspect i must come over as rather stand-offish as a result.
Its weird, because I never have any trouble picking up when one person hits on another in my vicinity. I just become painfully oblivious as soon as it's directed at me, which has caused me more than one awkward moment.
If I were to realise I was being hit on I suppose I would be flattered, although I suspect I would be quite awkward about it.
Its weird, because I never have any trouble picking up when one person hits on another in my vicinity. I just become painfully oblivious as soon as it's directed at me, which has caused me more than one awkward moment.
If I were to realise I was being hit on I suppose I would be flattered, although I suspect I would be quite awkward about it.
It's happened before a few times. I just I don't know, I just don't say anything back. Most of the time I would rather just be left alone. I'm one of those forever alone types that's not to upset about it.
It's people who trigger my danger sense, that I should avoid otherwise something bad will happen. So someone who has been staring/following me, traditional heavy creeper breathing, unable to say anything and stands there awkwardly stammering. Though I do throw unhygienic people in there too.Mossberg Shotty said:
So basically any shy asthmatics?TehCookie said:
It's more to do with you're unconscious signals, typically when single (and looking) your body language is completely different, you tend to come across as being more tense and not necessarily a good prospect. But when not looking (i.e. if you're in a relationship), you're more relaxed and those subtle changes make you seem more approachable, you're less tense and look more like someone who's out for a good time. It's actually an observable hypothesis, next time you're out with friends and one of them is "on the pull" look at his body language and you'll begin to notice several changes to how he would be if he wasn't looking for someone.Azure23 said:
It's also why in a nightclub the bar is the best place to chat to someone, no one is there to chat up a person, but to get drinks instead, you'll find conversation flows much more naturally at the bar, but I guarantee 9 outta 10 times, when you leave the bar you'll have awkward, stilted conversations with that person and that's because the interaction has intrinsically changed in nature. It's actually quite interesting to observe and notice yourself doing it.
I don't really have an opinion on it because I have no idea if its ever happened to me at all. I'm completely oblivious to this sort of thing; I probably couldn't tell unless someone told me.
Which makes it really awkward, because many women seem to think this is enough of a hint or impression:
when someone like me really needs a hint on this level:
Which makes it really awkward, because many women seem to think this is enough of a hint or impression:
when someone like me really needs a hint on this level:
I've had quite lengthy conversations with someone, then walked away and thought "Holy shit, were we flirting?"