So, every time I open up the gaming forum, there has to be a topic in the vein of 'What's up with Half Life 3?' or 'OMG Clues to Half Life 3!' or 'Why is Valve Trolling Us with Half Life 3?' or 'Shut the fuck up about Half Life 3 and go the fuck to sleep!'
Something clearly had to be done. So taking a little time off my daily routine of pointing out to people on the internet how absolutely wrong they are about absolutely everything / praising their mum's aptitude at sexual intercourse, I shut down my PC, put on my jacket, got my car keys, loaded my shotgun, and headed to Valve's office to get some answers.
Reaching their office in Seattle, getting through security was simple enough - just walk into the place like you own it, while simultaneously pretending to talk to Gaben over the phone with an annoyed expression. It worked brilliantly, except for the slight inconvenience of the security guards yelling "Stop right there, sir!" and "Please stand still while I taze you." After a couple of minutes of running about, hiding, and application of basic survival skills I've picked up from modern FPS games i.e. hiding behind solid surfaces, I managed to lose them and headed upstairs.
Soon I was at the lobby, facing a giant red valve (real subtle) and surrounded by various boxed copies of titles Valve had shipped. I pushed ahead, going past several rooms with people hunched in front of glowing screens. Original concept arts, canon and non-canon to their franchises, were hung on the walls, along with miniature statues like a golden crowbar and a PVC Heavy. The flooring had been taken off and staircases were recast from them. One wall was covered with post-its under sections tagged 'Critical', 'To Do', 'In Progress' and 'Done'.
But I wasn't interested in any of those.
At one point, while being lost in their eating space, I came across Gabe Newell. He was sitting in front of his desk, carefully arranging a bucket of chicken and enormous cookies in a ritualistic fashion. Erik Wolpaw sat beside him behind a laptop, occasionally taking a tiny bite out of the cookies.
I gathered all my tact and oratorical skills, and spoke out, 'Ummm... so, hey, I... was... I think, errr... Half Life 3?"
He nonchalantly said something about a basement. And so that's where I headed.
***
Downstairs, as I started descending into the basement, the scene slowly changed. Cobwebs shrouded my pathway, over the walls that had never seen daylight. The place hadn't been visited for a pretty long time.
I finally reached the room that was supposed to be the workplace for the Half Life 3 devs. It was dark, and I felt around for a switch. A light flickered on.
I was confronted with a disheveled room - ancient CRT monitors standing lopsided, papers all over the place, cobwebs in every nook and cranny, and a huge cupboard which had fallen over and made traipsing about a bit harder.
While wondering where the devs were, I started skimming through the papers strewn all around. What caught my eye was a large folder marked 'Project: Half Life 3' addressed to 'Jeff' and 'Steve'. It was rather hefty, so I started skimming through. It was mostly about design goals, with certain points highlighted, like "... texture and normal mapping primary short term goals... expect shifts to major build updates over a long development cycle... consult Mike Ambinder for level designs..."
Finally, I came across a section titled 'Deadline', and under it was written 'uncertain'.
Intrigued, I read on. It continued - "... Half Life 3 is not critical for the continued survival of Valve. The episodic model has left the team exhausted. So we've decided Half Life 3's development will take a back seat. But more importantly, we're going to release Half Life only on one emergency condition - the failure of Steam. If, by some unforeseeable circumstances, Steam loses its majority of customers, Half Life 3 will be released (along with a plethora of discounted titles) as a Steam exclusive to bring back those customers - just as how Half Life 2 helped launch our service. Half Life 3 will be our doomsday card, and it must be shipped within 30 days of financial meltdown of Steam..."
And so that was the truth. And it hit me like an Antonov 225. Loaded with a Buran space shuttle.
As my mind started wandering back to where the devs were, I absentmindedly lifted the heavy cupboard - and stopped dead in my track. There were two skeletons under it.
Jeff and Steve?
***
So there you go, people. HL3 will be released only on the day Steam shuts down, and even that's uncertain since the only two people who were working on it are now dead (which no one at Valve noticed).
Something clearly had to be done. So taking a little time off my daily routine of pointing out to people on the internet how absolutely wrong they are about absolutely everything / praising their mum's aptitude at sexual intercourse, I shut down my PC, put on my jacket, got my car keys, loaded my shotgun, and headed to Valve's office to get some answers.
Reaching their office in Seattle, getting through security was simple enough - just walk into the place like you own it, while simultaneously pretending to talk to Gaben over the phone with an annoyed expression. It worked brilliantly, except for the slight inconvenience of the security guards yelling "Stop right there, sir!" and "Please stand still while I taze you." After a couple of minutes of running about, hiding, and application of basic survival skills I've picked up from modern FPS games i.e. hiding behind solid surfaces, I managed to lose them and headed upstairs.
Soon I was at the lobby, facing a giant red valve (real subtle) and surrounded by various boxed copies of titles Valve had shipped. I pushed ahead, going past several rooms with people hunched in front of glowing screens. Original concept arts, canon and non-canon to their franchises, were hung on the walls, along with miniature statues like a golden crowbar and a PVC Heavy. The flooring had been taken off and staircases were recast from them. One wall was covered with post-its under sections tagged 'Critical', 'To Do', 'In Progress' and 'Done'.
But I wasn't interested in any of those.
At one point, while being lost in their eating space, I came across Gabe Newell. He was sitting in front of his desk, carefully arranging a bucket of chicken and enormous cookies in a ritualistic fashion. Erik Wolpaw sat beside him behind a laptop, occasionally taking a tiny bite out of the cookies.
I gathered all my tact and oratorical skills, and spoke out, 'Ummm... so, hey, I... was... I think, errr... Half Life 3?"
He nonchalantly said something about a basement. And so that's where I headed.
***
Downstairs, as I started descending into the basement, the scene slowly changed. Cobwebs shrouded my pathway, over the walls that had never seen daylight. The place hadn't been visited for a pretty long time.
I finally reached the room that was supposed to be the workplace for the Half Life 3 devs. It was dark, and I felt around for a switch. A light flickered on.
I was confronted with a disheveled room - ancient CRT monitors standing lopsided, papers all over the place, cobwebs in every nook and cranny, and a huge cupboard which had fallen over and made traipsing about a bit harder.
While wondering where the devs were, I started skimming through the papers strewn all around. What caught my eye was a large folder marked 'Project: Half Life 3' addressed to 'Jeff' and 'Steve'. It was rather hefty, so I started skimming through. It was mostly about design goals, with certain points highlighted, like "... texture and normal mapping primary short term goals... expect shifts to major build updates over a long development cycle... consult Mike Ambinder for level designs..."
Finally, I came across a section titled 'Deadline', and under it was written 'uncertain'.
Intrigued, I read on. It continued - "... Half Life 3 is not critical for the continued survival of Valve. The episodic model has left the team exhausted. So we've decided Half Life 3's development will take a back seat. But more importantly, we're going to release Half Life only on one emergency condition - the failure of Steam. If, by some unforeseeable circumstances, Steam loses its majority of customers, Half Life 3 will be released (along with a plethora of discounted titles) as a Steam exclusive to bring back those customers - just as how Half Life 2 helped launch our service. Half Life 3 will be our doomsday card, and it must be shipped within 30 days of financial meltdown of Steam..."
And so that was the truth. And it hit me like an Antonov 225. Loaded with a Buran space shuttle.
As my mind started wandering back to where the devs were, I absentmindedly lifted the heavy cupboard - and stopped dead in my track. There were two skeletons under it.
Jeff and Steve?
***
So there you go, people. HL3 will be released only on the day Steam shuts down, and even that's uncertain since the only two people who were working on it are now dead (which no one at Valve noticed).
