Ah, I hear so much from the guys side of the story I sometimes wonder what it's like for a girl to friendzone someone and now I know. Anyway if you want my honest advice if you don't want to pursue a relationship with this guy don't. You're not going to be the bad guy just because you're currently not interested in pursing a relationship with him and if he decides to basically be that guy who takes being in the friendzone poorly, you just avoided dating a future pickup artist. (BTW: I'm pretty sure your friend is nice but something like this could show his true colors.)
How to deal with a friend in love with me?
- Thread starter Roofstone
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For one thing, it's entirely possible they don't believe you about being asexual and disinterested. Some may think you're using it as an excuse, some may not believe it exists at all - it's hard to wrap your head around the idea that someone is "immune" from something so utterly central to the human experience - and either way it doesn't make you look good.Roofstone said:
For another, speaking as a guy who has been on the other side of this kind of thing several times, you went about it the wrong way. You approached him, meaning that whoever it was he confided in talked, and now he probably assumes that everyone is talking behind his back. You could have waited and gently turned him down if he ever got up the nerve to ask you out, but by going proactive it probably looks to him as if you were so repelled by the idea of dating him that you felt like you needed to shoot him down before he got any ideas. That's going to hurt more in the long run than a simple rejection, however nicely you think you may have done it.
It's a shitty situation for everyone, but speaking bluntly, I think it was handled badly. Cat is firmly out of the bag now though, so all you can do is learn from it in case this ever happens again, and maybe rebuild your friendship if everyone is willing.
People react that way to the disappointment of someone they care about. My sisters have decided they hate a girl for leading me on last year, even though I don't have any resentment over it. I asked her out, she shot me down, so it goes. Her loss, frankly. However, since we'd rapidly become very good friends and had even been going on pseudo-dates where we'd go out for coffee and spend the whole day talking, my family apparently decided there was more to it and when she turned me down they blamed her for not giving me a chance.Roofstone said:
That might be what's happening with your friends. They don't see why you turned him down, they just see that he's unhappy, and most likely they blame you.
Arg, wish I'd caught you earlier.Roofstone said:
Listen- I've been exactly where you are and there is no easy way out of it. There's always going to be hurt feelings and unfortunately the person letting the other one down gently is often made out to be the bad guy.
You handled it the best you could, considering.
I think you did the right thing in coming to him and trying to be as direct as possible.
Believe me, I tried the `ignore it unless he comes to you and asks you out directly`. It didn't go over well.
Right now, he's gonna be hurting. Fine. Being rejected hurts.
Your friends are acting like complete assholes though (mine did too, it's alright).
The best response I managed to come up with was `I never wanted to be more than friends. What do you want me to do? Date someone I have no interest in to make HIM feel better? Is that smart?`
Just rest assured you tried to do this as nicely as possible.
Still don't get how he could fall in love with someone who admits to not only having no interest in romance, but being incapable of it, straight out physically not able to feel affectionate in a romantic way! >_<
Yeah, I did. Thanks Phasmal. It is nice to hear someone else say it.Phasmal said:
It's simple really: just because you claim to have zero interest, that does not mean that he doesn't. Nobody aims to fall in love with their friends; they don't plan to do it simply to annoy one another, it's just something that happens. You spend a lot of time together and become close, but this can be confusing to some because of their teenage hormones. I sincerely hope that you didn't take it as some sort of personal attack.Roofstone said:
Many in this thread seemed to post in anger that this guy could have the nerve to fall in love with you.
There's probably no way to save the friendship, and it's really best to just take all of the blame, to be as kind and understanding as possible, and not to throw any fits or start screaming at one another because it will give them a genuine reason to be upset.
He'll get over it, and in time he'll get a different girlfriend. After that, you two can have your simple, emotionless friendship back. Although, I wonder if it's possible to have no emotions and friends; psychopaths don't tend to have friends, do they?
You're young. I'm sure you'll both find people who make you feel happy and good, because the world is an interesting place like that - you don't expect to fall in love and you may not be looking for it, but it'll happen all the same.
Give him time, but let him know you're there if and when he wants to talk, and that you'd still like to be friends (if you do) 'cause this isn't anyone's fault. Good luck!
I am not a psychopath! I just don't feel "love" in the romantic way, nor sexual attraction. It is restricted to those two, I do still have emotions.Baron Teapot said:
I am 24. :3 Still young, but probably not in the way you meant.Baron Teapot said:
Other than that, I am not angry or anything. Just frustrated, cause now one friend ignores me and the rest are angry at me. It is just bizarre to me, this entire situation. It frustrates me to no end how something I am incapable of understanding can ruin friendships.
Not to sound like I am arguing all your points of course. Sorry if it comes across as that.
Really, your asexuality and aromanticism (?) is beside the point. What's important is that you were not romantically interested in him specifically, regardless of how you feel about anyone else, which in itself is a perfectly valid reason to reject him. You don't have a duty to respond positively to any and all romantic advances just because they're directed at you.
Him being sad is understandable - I think most people would get sad about unrequited love. That's no reason for him to ignore you or act sour, however; you can't help the way you feel, just like he can't. Third parties being upset just makes no sense at all, and I frankly find that reaction utterly baffling.
I guess this doesn't really add much, other than another vote for "you're in the right".
Him being sad is understandable - I think most people would get sad about unrequited love. That's no reason for him to ignore you or act sour, however; you can't help the way you feel, just like he can't. Third parties being upset just makes no sense at all, and I frankly find that reaction utterly baffling.
I guess this doesn't really add much, other than another vote for "you're in the right".
Yeah that was pretty spot-on.Nomad said:
Also how could you possibly know you're aromantic? Isn't everyone aromantic until they meet someone they like? (Side-note: Psychopaths can feel emotions they just don't feel empathy)
But trust me he'll feel a lot better that you were honest with him. Also being romantic isn't for idiots, being an idiot who happens to be romantic is for idiots.
If only someone had warned of this beforehand...oh wait.Roofstone said:
In all seriousness, I'm very sorry to hear how this panned out. It probably won't help, but I think your friendship with him was doomed no matter what you did. And if your friends really think you're a ***** because of all this, well, you might be better off.
Hang in there.
Possibly that added an element of challenge or mystique which instead of discouraging him, actually spurred him on - plus knowing you were "unexplored territory" could have added to the guy's idolisation of you. Possibly on a subconscious level he decided that he was going to be the one to "cure" you, or thaw your libido, or whatever.Roofstone said:
Apparently Spock from the original Star Trek had a substantial female fan following (and plenty of dodgy fanfic) for exactly those reasons: the challenge, the prestige of winning over somebody who claims to be unwinnable, and the delicious corruption of innocence.
I actually can understand that, although my attitude has been pretty much the total opposite. There is somebody who I met and have become interested in and I was wanting to ask her out but am now terrified to do so because she apparently hasn't had a boyfriend before. Let's face it, if that is true then there's probably a reason for it and I wouldn't want the same to happen as happened with the OP where friends of both parties become hostile and start taking sides.Batou667 said:
I know this feel. There was a girl I know that was desperately in love with me but knew I wasn't interested. Inconsiderate *****. She even had the gall to get upset when I told her to fuck off.Bara_no_Hime said:
Where did OP go wrong? She lost a friend...
Not sure if you mean that legitimately but falling in love isn't really a choice. It's just something that happens as an end result of other actions or situations.Roofstone said:
That being said, you didn't do anything wrong by telling him the truth. Better to get it over with than have this whole situation last even longer. And if they think you're a ***** or manipulative or whatever? Fuck 'em. Go find some better friends who understand.
about your sentiments on emotions: amen.
not sure what else to add. put another notch on your side, i guess.
not sure what else to add. put another notch on your side, i guess.
It is normal if you understand the nature of the beast that is human.Roofstone said:
You see infatuation(or love) is the only state in which ones hormones go even wilder then doing the hardest of drugs, essentially our entire enjoyment of life at that point starts to hinge on getting the next fix, and the object of our affection is the dealer that provides it.
Once that happens there is really no easy way out, no matter how it goes you end up cutting a junkie from all he lives for and they will be apocalyptically pissed, so the person who made them unconditionally happy one moment is the one now making them unconditionally angry, all their misery will centre around the one who cut them off (at least until the addiction blows over).
Yes we all imagine ourselves above such things as long as we are in control, but emotions (especially at that level) are something very much beyond our control, we fall for all sorts of things we shouldn't and then freak out when they are gone... that is just how our messed up brains work if we want it or not.
Your friend definitely handled this very poorly but we all do on our first bike ride, so just let him work things out for himself and after that things should be cool.
Hopefully people can also draw some understanding from this, finger pointing really doesn't help anything other then drama.