How to douse the torch?

[DarklordKyo]

Well, give it time and space. Just focus more on other people and other things. Think about why the relationship didn't work and consider just why you still want to stay friends.

It failed because I failed, and I wanted to stay friends because I want her to be happy.

 

[Kyrian007]

May not be the same thing... but if it helps. My high school girlfriend was someone I was totally and stupidly "all in" for. To the point I didn't really seriously entertain romantic thoughts about anyone else. Then shortly before graduating she told me she never really cared for me that much... not even that much as a friend. I was convenient because I kept other guys away from "bothering" her and didn't "pressure" her. Basically I was useful and low-maintenance.

That hurt. I was devastated. I was wandering around "woe is me I'll never love again" for a long while. A couple of months later I was in college, I had met a new girl and things were going OK with her. I went back to my home town to visit my parents and ran into old girlfriend. It was awkward for a little while, but the interaction went ok. It was then that I realized... I didn't love her anymore. I didn't hate her either. Years later she even apologized for how "terribly" she treated me back then. I thanked her, but laughed it off. It wasn't necessary... It felt important and epic at the time. But it wasn't.

You don't have to do anything. It will hurt, especially if you try and remain friends. But the "torch." It goes out. On its own. Eventually. Just let it. Romantic relationships... aren't that important a part of life. They come and go. Old ones end, new ones begin... if you let them. Friendships are more important. They can actually withstand an incredible amount of hardship.

 

[aegix drakan_v1legacy]

Also, "real men" don't have "hearts of stone". "Real men" just suppress things on the outside to look stoic and tough and masculine and drown their inner torment with alcohol until it turns to rage and they hate their exes with extreme silent viciousness and almost never manage to deal with their issues and find peace.

What about those of us who don't deserve peace.

Unless you're some kind of serial rapist abuser who regrets nothing and wants to do it again (unlikely, since you're still friends), I'd say you deserve peace. Everyone who isn't a total unrepentant scumbag deserves inner peace.

Judging by other posts, I'm going to assume you feel guilty because you in some way feel like you failed your ex. That you weren't the man she wanted, or that you missed the signs that things were going south.

If it's the former, shit happens, don't blame yourself. If it's the latter, well, we're not mind readers. I missed all the signs things were wrong in my former relationship too. Well, ok, I saw them, but since she never said anything, and told me she was stressed with school, I assumed it was just that. Again, shit happens, don't blame yourself.