"How to find a girlfriend" - Some myths debunked

[Pyramid Head]

Quick side note since i haven't seen you in a while. Ruby Rose? Clementine? Misha? Celestia? How in fucks name did you cram such a bizarre mix of weirdly interesting and weirdly shitty characters into one animation?

Well, I guess there's a bit of truth to everything ... and also a lot of holes you can fall into.
I'll give my advise- though some people have already done a good job in explaining themselves.

Have girls as friends - I think to often, we guys try to hook up with girls just to date em instead of befriending them. It's best to actually befriend people regardless of gender... and see how they turn up. If it's meant to be, then decide if you should date one. If not, remain friends because it does help you feel more comfortable around women in general.

This seems to be the most important yet most overlooked piece of information. I've seen successful relationships spawn ot of friendships and plenty of divorces and disasters spawn from "Soul Mates" and relationships started for the sake of a romantic relationship. Pace yourself, and learn about someone before you start thinking romance. Why is that not common sense?

Don't seek love - Very important. When you try to get a girlfriend, you end up dating someone just to have someone, rather then really wanting that specific person alone. I know we all want love, but let it come to you. Don't force it by trying to drag it's legs. It'll only end up kicking you in the face, or worse.

Well okay since i agreed with you on the first one, let's have some fun with this one.
I disagree. I think there should be bad relationships that end in disaster. Why?
Because i really love Cops.

Be yourself - Sadly, many of us feel like in order to be 'accepted', we must act the part. Nah forget that. Just be yourself. You'll end up attracting people (friend wise, love wise, ect.) by being yourself since they can relate to you. Do keep in mind not to be overly passionate at first and slowly reveal how/whom you are. Showering them with your interests or deepest traits in personality might scare people off even if you're not creepy at all.

Or don't be yourself, lie, create a horrible situation, and end up on a very funny episode of Cops!

Be patient - When I say this, I mean be patient at all times. If you're actually getting closer to someone then a friend usually would... don't jump into a relationship. Simply offer them out on a date or a nice event. Get to hang out more or socialize with them on a bigger scale. Then decide if they're worth dating more often or possibly becoming your girlfriend.

Okay, this is just good advice for life in general. Patience and timing are invaluable traits.

Don't get invested - When they're now in a relationship with you... know that it may not be official. Crap happens.
I don't mean give up hope or slack in doing favors for your girlfriend. You will always want to do the best you can in showing love, respect, and support towards your girlfriend (or boyfriend). But, don't get so emotionally attached that you will lose all touches with family, friends, and what's important to you.

Unless it's a dating sim "Waifu." Feel free to give that up when you're no longer lonely and desperate.

It's best to balance everything out, and understand if a relationship isn't going well or isn't stable... just break up. Unless the other partner is willing to fix it with yah or you're the one causing issues- just break up. They won't change anytime soon and was probably not meant to be. Try again with someone else. There's 7-9 billion people on Earth. A few million who would like you and a few hundred thousand that would love you. It's the only few thousand that are perfect for you. You just haven't met them yet.

Again, this feels like common sense, so i won't support it.
Go back to really stupid partners and defend their actions out of some delusional love.


In all seriousness, people in general just need to lighten up about relationships. It's okay to start a relationship with older friends, it's okay to call things off when it's not going well, and you don't need to give in to despair because there isn't actually a "One" for you, there are hundreds of thousands who are compatible enough.

 

[Rellik San]

I would like to point this out now:

Sexual attraction is not necessarily a bad thing or something that can be helped, it's instinctual, biological hold over to ensure the spreading of strong genes. A relationship without physical attraction is a friendship and you should be ok with that.

The myth that pursuing someone you're physically attracted to makes you somehow shallow is an annoying one, dating someone for their money is shallow, dating someone for their social position is shallow, dating someone because they are physically attractive to you, is important, as such taking some consideration with how you look is always worth doing, I ain't saying you need to get ripped and cut your hair off, but it's amazing what a blazer and t-shirt and jeans can accomplish if you're worried about that extra weight you're carrying, if you feel good in how you're dressed, you'll feel good about yourself and ergo more confident. It's why I'm rarely out of a shirt.

If crippling shyness is your thing, I have a great way out of that, go out in a group and play this game: Someone in the group points out a member of the opposite/same sex whatever floats your boat, gives you a line (can't be mean, but cheesier the better) and go over and say the line, if you don't you buy the group a round of shots. Why does this line work for getting over crippling shyness: Because going over to someone on a dare to say; "Sorry, my friends insisted I come over and ask you this: Is your Dad a thief, because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes," is so ridiculously silly and disarming for both parties that it's easier to follow up with "By the way that's a cool shirt," "The music here is great," "can I buy you a drink," or some other lead in for talking to the person, it takes the edge off and that's the important thing. Of course as the night progresses and the alcohol (or soft drinks if you're not a drinker) flow, you get used to the game and becomes easier, even if you don't get a number doing this, it teaches you how to schmooze and is just a great social exercise in general.

TLR, Dress great; by great I mean dress in a way that makes YOU feel fabulous, not like the GQ cover star, play dare based social drinking games with a minor forfeit, this helps you learn not to be cool, but how to get over those first steps in talking to someone.

I don't know how successful you're dating life will be following these things, that still comes down to if you can nut up and actually ask for a number after a while, I also don't advice doing this on pay week, wait till the middle period of being paid, where money may not be a massive concern, but you only really want to spend $50 a night.

 

[Something Amyss]

I got one

if you find yourself in a forum that uses phrases like "Kino" "Dread game" "LMR" "game" "maintaining frame" "Alpha" "Beta" "MGTOW" "neg" "spinning plates" "next her" or matrix references to pills

run..run far away...pick up a rock and apply blunt trauma to your head

and forget what I just wrote...

Okay, I know most of those, but....what are Kino and spinning plates?

I have a handy memory eraser, I can take it.

I would definitely ignore advice that nerdy guys need to hide their nerdiness in order to possibly ever get a date.
First of all, it's kind of dishonest, and secondly- it's good to be passionate and unashamed of your interests.

A relationship built on pretenses seems like a pretty terrible relationship in the first place. Maybe it just doesn't matter to me because I'm not obsessed with being partnered up at all costs (I just sort of end up in relationships), or because I'm a freak magnet, but I can't imagine starting a relationship on a lie. Especially one you're planning on being long term.

I've had a fairly "take or or leave" it attitude towards romance and I've done fine in my life thus far. And I'm not ding so on looks or charm, either. So it's not like it's impossible.

"Just be yourself" seems so trite, but it's the only way I know to do this sort of thing.

 

[DANEgerous]

Random Note: Do you actually want a committed monogamous relationship? Society says you do, it is clearly you only goal once you can make rent the next step is marriage no questions asked because reasons.That is odd because I have never actually wanted one and stereotypically that means I am a womanizing bastard a that sleeps with married chicks and says "giggity giggity all right 50 times a day. That is not true I just do not want a partner, why is this so strange? I never got why this is strange.

That's one of the less common ones. I mean, from my experience it'd likely be more along the lines of "Dude, you gay?" or something like that obnoxious internet fad that being nerdy is +100 to protection of virginity (but only if you're a guy!). Basically, not a womanizer, but a loser who doesn't know what's good for him.

What a world.

This is actually more accurate than you may think, I have gotten the "are you gay?" comment even after I have had sex with both women, but no one knows because I never dated anyone. Because again we live in nonsense land that you can not have sex and not be in a relationship or if you have you are Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother, that said.

Myth: The population at large understands relationships... like at all.

 

[Doom-Slayer]

One thing from me from experience. Online relationships always being creepy old dudes pretending to be girls? Not always.

My thoughts on them.

They are a a massive trade-off. You are more likely to find someone compatible I would say(more specific interests etc), but because of the distance, it makes things way slower, and way way way harder. Also they have a way higher failure rate, but balance with more staying power.

My experience? 2 failed online relationships, 1 successful.

 

[Chromatic Aberration]

Myth: The population at large understands relationships... like at all.

After reading through the thread - I think that about sums it up. I especially love how some posts on here directly contradict each other....

 

[DevilWithaHalo]

Have girls as friends - I think to often, we guys try to hook up with girls just to date em instead of befriending them. It's best to actually befriend people regardless of gender... and see how they turn up. If it's meant to be, then decide if you should date one. If not, remain friends because it does help you feel more comfortable around women in general.

This seems to be the most important yet most overlooked piece of information. I've seen successful relationships spawn ot of friendships and plenty of divorces and disasters spawn from "Soul Mates" and relationships started for the sake of a romantic relationship. Pace yourself, and learn about someone before you start thinking romance. Why is that not common sense?

Because it's not practical. I'm not saying don't have girls has friends; I'm saying friendships like these are rather artificial. Developing friendships while attempting to locate a romantic interest is somewhat counterproductive given the intent and outcome of various situations.

In one sense, I'm not looking for friends, I'm looking for something to fuck. They will of course be my friend, but fucking is rather important in that regard.

In another sense, developing romantic interests in friendships leads to people coming on the Escapist and other forums discussing concepts like the 'friend zone' and why someone couldn't simply just maintain a friendship with you if you weren't interested in them in the same way.

In yet another sense, many romantic relationships began out of initiation. Two people who continue to pussyfoot around each other develop shitty sitcom storylines of "will they won't they". Until one of the two engage in a relationship with a 3rd party and fuck up their dynamic anyway because they wanted to other person to be the initiator.

But in an ironic sense, why would you want to learn about someone who you weren't curious about in the first place or didn't offer something of value to you even if said thin was merely friendship? Having said that, why wouldn't you explore additional value in said person if you were so inclined?

It's essentially advice that benefits the person who desires an alternative relationship dynamic, not the person seeking the advice in the first place. It's about as useful as suggesting a buddy take his car to a shop known for ripping people off. Why would you do that?

 

[Evil Moo]

And there's not much you can do about it, other than not totally shut yourself in.

Leaving the house is far too much effort. It's a good thing I'm somewhat apathetic towards having a serious relationship.. or friends.. or any kind of social interaction...

 

[michael87cn]

A relationship is a struggle of forgiveness and patience with something you don't understand. If you wait for the perfect person you'll be waiting forever. You gotta just go out there and be up front with your intentions. Like someone? Tell them. If that becomes awkward? Oh well. At least you tried. Try often enough and eventually someone will like you in return. Worrying about impossible odds and such will just get you depressed.

 

[Imperioratorex Caprae]

If you base all your happiness on your relationship status, or at least the foundation, you're doing it wrong. Be happy with yourself and if there's things about you that you don't like, change them and I'm not talking about whether you're with someone or not. Its not a guarantee you will find someone, not a damn thing in life is guaranteed but you CAN make yourself happy (sexual pleasure and happiness are not the same thing).
Pretty much saying this, if you're miserable with your life chances are potential partners see that and don't want to be part of your sadness.

 

[Nowhere Man]

Most important thing to do is focus on yourself and be your own man. Then if somewhere along your journeys you find someone you're interested in (this goes with making friends too) just approach them and be yourself. Always be confident(not cocky), appreciative, polite and sincere. And always keep in mind if this person doesn't want anything to do with you, chances are you wouldn't have wanted to be with them anyway. It all sounds cliche, but there's a beauty in how simple it is. Relationships are a different story and require openness and work from both involved.

Have girls as friends - I think to often, we guys try to hook up with girls just to date em instead of befriending them. It's best to actually befriend people regardless of gender... and see how they turn up. If it's meant to be, then decide if you should date one. If not, remain friends because it does help you feel more comfortable around women in general.

I agree strongly with this and this seems to be something a few of my friends and my brother refuse to accept when the topic of dating comes up. But to each their own I guess.

 

[Fox12]

"How to find a girlfriend."

Well first, hide in the tall grass. No sudden movements, you don't want to scare her off. Women are notoriously skittish, like deer. Second, find a nice smooth stone, and chuck it at her head. We don't want to kill her after all, just disorient her. Finally, grab your poke ball and finish the job. It may take more than one, so don't be disappointed if it doesn't work, or if she escapes. There are plenty more out there.

But really, can we stop talking about women like they're some mythical creature. They're just people. Heavily flawed, stupid people, like the rest of us.

 

[Pyramid Head]

[user]Aerosteam[/user] made me this Avatar that i'm currently wearing. He crafted the montage of my previous Avatars all into one in my Official Avatar Contest. He also was the only one who entered the contest XD haha.

But ... wait. Who do you feel is 'crappy'? Because Clementine, Satsuki, Isaac, Lucy, Fair Lady, and the Hybrid chick from Blue Submarine #6 are great characters. Only ones I could imagine you finding crappy is Ruby, Celestia, and Misha... but Misha is awesome too!! No matter, glad you noticed the Avatar ^_^!

I have minimal issue with Ruby Rose. I actually didn't mind RWBY. I mean it wasn't great, but for amateur work? Not bad at all. My issues were with the tyrannical despot Celestia and Misha. Though The Fair Lady may make me forget about Misha.
that's why i said weirdly interesting. I kind of liked Ruby despite not normally liking hyper little girls (Blake Belladonna was still best) and really liked Clementine even though she's a kid. Celestia though? I don't know what it is, but she scares me. She just seems wrong on a fundamental level.

OT: Your humor is actually pretty funny- because I like Cops and the show Cops features a lot of relationships going south XD.
...... and when I say south, most of it does take place in the South. Yea ...

Relationships are risky. You get to have someone who loves you, but then people forget that it's also a responsibility. You cannot imagine a relationship is all about having fun. That's for teens and what not. A real relationship carries weight, needs to be supported financially along with being stable. You need to have passion, commitment, and the desire to just interact with that person without heavily relying on sex. Those whom feel to keep a relationship is through sex- find out the hard way that it'll not last forever. Best thing to do is slowly work your way into making the relationship the best it can be ... without making that person your 'Soul Mate' since that tends to happen WAY TO OFTEN and crap happens.

Relationships don't come about through hormones, romance, or "Soul." It comes when you're comfortable with your partner, and there's good enough chemistry to allow the relationship to take off. Enough similarities in taste, emotional responses, and sex drives to make it viable. Without chemistry no amount of poetry and horniness can save things.

Speaking as a cook who also likes Gordon Ramsay, let me say that while i was always skeptical of "Soul Mate," to the point that one of the reason i loved Katawa Shoujo to pieces was because the relationships felt natural and they didn't bother with that "True Love" BS, i now automatically assume something is horribly wrong after hearing "Soul Mate" after i saw the Amy's Baking Company episode of Kitchen Nightmares.
...Jesus fucking a llama, it was like watching Sarah Palin trying to run a restaurant...

Because it's not practical. I'm not saying don't have girls has friends; I'm saying friendships like these are rather artificial. Developing friendships while attempting to locate a romantic interest is somewhat counterproductive given the intent and outcome of various situations.

In one sense, I'm not looking for friends, I'm looking for something to fuck. They will of course be my friend, but fucking is rather important in that regard.

In another sense, developing romantic interests in friendships leads to people coming on the Escapist and other forums discussing concepts like the 'friend zone' and why someone couldn't simply just maintain a friendship with you if you weren't interested in them in the same way.

In yet another sense, many romantic relationships began out of initiation. Two people who continue to pussyfoot around each other develop shitty sitcom storylines of "will they won't they". Until one of the two engage in a relationship with a 3rd party and fuck up their dynamic anyway because they wanted to other person to be the initiator.

But in an ironic sense, why would you want to learn about someone who you weren't curious about in the first place or didn't offer something of value to you even if said thin was merely friendship? Having said that, why wouldn't you explore additional value in said person if you were so inclined?

It's essentially advice that benefits the person who desires an alternative relationship dynamic, not the person seeking the advice in the first place. It's about as useful as suggesting a buddy take his car to a shop known for ripping people off. Why would you do that?

Don't seek romantic relationships at all. Let them happen naturally and otherwise play it careful and simply maintain friendships and meet new people. Only seek a romantic relationship when you have a particularly good friendship, not because her ass looks particularly nice in those pants. Maybe there are exceptions and some relationships do succeed using the "Traditional" hunting method of looking at ass or listening to poetry, but i've always found the most stable relationships started as simple friendships that evolved into something else because the two were similar enough.

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

But really, can we stop talking about women like they're some mythical creature. They're just people. Heavily flawed, stupid people, like the rest of us.

I caught my girlfriend at Mt. Moon, but I forgot to pack Escape Ropes and a Zubat cheesed my Geodude after he fell asleep fighting Clefairy, so I had to restart from the Pewter City Pokemon Center :/ Remember to save your game after every catch, kids.

 

[Something Amyss]

But really, can we stop talking about women like they're some mythical creature. They're just people. Heavily flawed, stupid people, like the rest of us.

I caught my girlfriend at Mt. Moon, but I forgot to pack Escape Ropes and a Zubat cheesed my Geodude after he fell asleep fighting Clefairy, so I had to restart from the Pewter City Pokemon Center :/ Remember to save your game after every catch, kids.

Did you have to use a Master Ball? I hear thei rcatch rate is insanely low.

 

[BiscuitTrouser]

I would definitely ignore advice that nerdy guys need to hide their nerdiness in order to possibly ever get a date.

Seriously.

Seriously.

SERIOUSLY.

THIS.

I was so nervous about going to my Uni's DND society. People would judge me. Id have to hide my nerdy side even harder. It would be so awkward to explain to a non nerdy girlfriend. I almost didnt go. I almost put social status over just having fun.

And then I met my current girlfriend there. How about that. And since we have so much of this stuff in common no one needs to "hide" anything. The idea of forming yourself so society loves you ends up either attracting people you dont like or forcing you to live half a lie. That's stupid.

If you be yourself the upside is you find people who you dont need to hide things from.

My advice:

I've had an extremely successful and fulfilling love life by my standards, maybe not by other peoples but im happy and i wouldnt change a lot so theres that. If anything this causes problems because I've not experienced life outside of a long term relationship that much. But ill share my advice for how to share yourself the most effectively with others:

Dont be afraid of new experiences.

Be confident in that making an idiot of yourself to achieve the previous statement is usually more fun than doing nothing at all (provided no one gets hurt!)

Realise confidence is only an admirable trait when coupled with humility. Work on both. Being a loud obnoxious moron isnt exactly fantastic.

Dont be afraid to be the raw primal version of you. Laugh loudly at jokes you like but others might think are stupid.

See who laughs with you.

And for fucks sake the most important thing i see disregarded on the internet:

WOMEN ARE PEOPLE. DO NOT RAISE THEM ON A PEDESTAL. I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DO IT TO ME. THEY HATE IT TOO.

I tease (And did tease) my girlfriend mercilessly. Im not afraid to joke and make jibes with her knowing ill get some back, the sign of every failed relationship ive been in is when im too scared of offending or upsetting that i stop doing this. Dont be afraid of upsetting women and girls more than youd be afraid of upsetting a good male friend. Dont assume women only want to hear compliments and niceties. Its actually kinda irritating.

 

[renegade7]

I think it's important to have girls as friends. A lot of guys who are perpetually single are that way because they have unrealistic expectations or views of women and dating. They're nervous about approaching girls and have never been exposed to the female perspective, or they view women as this "other" rather than as people they can find common ground with.

Not only that, but it's also pleasant just to have non-romantic female company. It also makes you more attractive to women you might want to date:

First, there's an aspect of scarcity and group think. When there's perceived competition for something, it makes you want that thing more: you're less available and you might slip away. It also makes you look like you're more popular with women, and social status is always attractive.

Second, it shows that you can have good relationships with women and that you understand, respect, and can relate to women.


Another important piece of advice is to be less available. Don't be an aloof jerk, of course, but you want to create for her a feeling like she has an active role in building the relationship rather than just passively agreeing to be your girlfriend. It makes it more rewarding for her so she likes being with you more, and it also means she's emotionally invested in the relationship.

Be a nice guy, not a "nice guy" (TM). Nice guys get the appreciation of others simply because they actually are decent people. "Nice guys" suffer from a transactional view of this reputation and they do nice things because they expect to be rewarded. Not only is that just kind of shitty, it doesn't work. Really, how many guys do you think an attractive woman has complimenting her and doing her favors on a regular basis, you think you're the first guy to tell her she has pretty clothes and ask about her day? Thinking about dating in terms of just doing more things and saying more nice words and putting effort in will just make you feel worse about yourself....and that way the friendzone lay.

Now let's talk about the "friendzone". You know, I'll concede that the friendzone exists, but not in the way most "nice guys" think. The "friendzone" isn't where you are when you're stuck being "just friends" with someone you like, it's where you are when you go on internet forums and complain about how abusive and terrible women are for refusing to date you and how they're basically obligated to go out with you because you think you're the ideal, perfect suitor. The friendzone is where you are when you actively resent a woman or women in general for rejecting you.

Also, society has done so much to make it okay to have sex with whoever you want, date whoever you want, and marry whoever you want, but has done nothing about the expectation that you do those things. There is nothing wrong with being single or with being a virgin or otherwise not having much sex. A belief that everything in your life will just suddenly improve when you start having sex and dating seriously will make reaching those things far harder and make you much less happy.