"How to find a girlfriend" - Some myths debunked

[Vegosiux]

Seriously, why is it so hard for some people to accept that not everyone wants the same things in life? -.-

Things are just so much easier if it's all black and white, wrong and right. It's one of the parts of the human condition, I guess, an annoying part, but with all the time we've been around it doesn't seem like we're going to be getting over it anytime soon...

I'll go as far as to say, humans need perceived enemies in order to function, and not go bonkers.

 

[McKinsey]

Some day, we might have our life behind us, and we might look back and be sad that we couldn't find "that person". However, that's how things go. We won't be better or worse for it. We'll just have lived a different life, made different experiences, than some other people. I think the most important thing is to accept such a possible outcome. Once we do that, we can become more relaxed about the opportunities we are presented, and it'll just lead to a more worthwhile and pleasant life.

That's possibly the most depressing variation of "OK, I'm a loser and I've fucked up my chance at happiness" that I've seen in a while. Bro, there are tons of people out there who could be your soulmates. No matter how socially awkward, or introversive, or just plain stupid you are, there are always people out there who could be "that person" for you. "That's how things go" is an excuse a basement dweller tells his mom, not what an adjusted, adequate adult writes in a forum. Unless he's loser, I mean.

 

[Dragonpit]

snip

1) There's a difference between prodding for shared interests and going too strong with the geek stuff to the point it comes off as too much and becomes all you're about. This is where I feel some of the advice given by others is social faux pas: going 110% geek on people you don't really know and treating it as a test for if they are "worthy" to be your friends or not and if not "fuck them, you're too good for them, move on cos there's gonna be another one just waiting for you!" is very situational advice.
To me that's just the highway to finding yourself a social outcast pretty darned quick if you're not lucky enough to be in a very accepting environment.

My outlook is more focused on dealing with those in front of me, whoever they may be and whether they share my geeky interests is of tertiary concern, not least because it's not ALL of who I am, only a side of me.
And I dunno about the rest of you lot, but I don't reveal all sides of me to people as a general rule, if that makes me some devious sly bastard then so be it. It is true that I do find it very difficult to open up to people I don't consider very very VERY good friends.

Maybe I'm weird but being a geek/gamer isn't an essential requirement in a partner for me, rather it's a nice bonus but realistically given the women I've known in my life and my current dating pool, it's not gonna happen and I doubt I'm the only one so making peeps dream there's a gaming/geek girl around the corner for them if they just stay true to themselves and go all outwardly geeky all the time doesn't seem like good advice to me. But if it works for you, then my congratulations you lucky person though I still think it's more to do with fortunate circumstances then cos you were raising the geek flag high and proud.

A. But here's the thing: you're arguing against forcing interests onto others, which you would be totally right about. I was talking about being ostracized for simply having said interests.

2) Oh I won't argue I need better circles, I'm rather envious of those who say they met their significant other through mmos or any games, or those who roam with circles of geek friends and do geek stuff together.
That would be bloody awesome if it happens.

But I've never been in those kinda groups, I've only ever met fellow geeks through the internet for the most part.
And the whole meeting partners in games thing is a mystery to me , I've got a fair few female gamer friends (including one of my best buddies) but nothing romantic ever came from it and honestly I don't see how it could, so this is one big area I admit my ignorance in. Just the idea of asking someone out online puzzles me so yeh this is probably something I should asked Phasmal details about xD
But as for me, I deal with those I happen to be with, and those groups of people ain't geeks. My outlook reflects that.

Have you tried looking for local clubs that deal in these specific interests? No, really. You can be surprised what you can find with a little footwork.

3) The decision whether you want to shun people for not having the same interests in you, or because they have a derogatory view of some of your interests is entirely your choice and dependent on your circumstances.

In my own personal experience though, such an attitude would have left me with very little friends and as a result a tiny almost non existent dating pool. And I didn't want that, so I played the social game.

You're misunderstanding me. I won't shun anyone for not having the same interests me. I just have no desire to be around people who feel they should make me feel bad for having the interests that I do.

I do feel this bears mentioning: I have ADHD. Because of this, playing the social game is not an option for me because I lack certain things that helps with socializing, like the ability to identify the context of a situation. It's far too easy for me to come off as rude or insensitive without ever meaning to. While it is something that can be overcome, I cannot allow myself to feel bad or ashamed of myself for being this way. And while this may lead to a smaller group of friends and acquaintances, I do feel these people are of quality to me. So I can't say I'm unhappy with this. [/quote]

4)Confidence in one's interests is sexy to women, yes. I've said as much and so have others.

Here's the unspoken rule though: if the woman doesn't find that interest respectable, then it isn't sexy and becomes a turn off.

This is why you can be passionate about tabletop and pen and paper roleplaying or playing cards or w/e all you want, if the girl or group of friends find those hobbies laughable and pitiful then being all confident about it isn't gonna help.

You can either do a whole "IM GEEK AND PROUD" thing and storm off and never deal with those those people again as a fair few here seem to be suggesting, or you can just not mention your geeky stuff unless it's to joke about it.

Again maybe I'm weird, but I've had little choice but to make friends with people who didn't share my interests and in some cases I've picked up other people's interests as a result. If this is a personal flaw of some kind, then it's one I'll have to deal with it seems.

I will say this much: exposure to so many different interests is quite the boon. How many people can boast that? But that's as far as it goes.

I still don't feel that these people are worth knowing if they intend to look down on me for my interests. In fact, it almost seems like a self-inflicted punishment, if nothing else. And it's not like there aren't women or even other people out there who, even if they wouldn't play them, would be accepting of these things. Again, it's not like I plan on forcing my interests on others. And I myself don't mind sharing in the interests of others.

...I forgot where I was going with that last bit...

 

[Vault101]

snip

so fucking what? we are biologically engineered to have children, the sky is blue, grass is green and bears most definitely use the woods to relieve themselves


if nature was the standard of which all we do things we wouldn't bother with anything else, we'd just hang out on the planes or wherever and eat, fight and have sex...while occasionally getting eaten, because thats what nature is, it has no point or endgame, or morality, it just is...

you can have a way you think things should be, and that thing might align with what 80% of everyone else does for "good" (or at least understandable) reasons. And thats all good and dandy

but when you start getting your smarmy smug on thats when it becomes a problem, nobody says "oh yeah...you don't want monogamy huh? well your statistically gonna die sooner" without some kind of moral axe to grind, nobody says "you don't think you want children but you do" without some level of level of pity/condescension for those who remain childless

of coarse I think in some cases using some pop evo psych to say "monogamy is not in my nature" is a cop out for some dudes to justify cheating, or that some decide on an "open relationship" because they think "woo I get to sleep around!" without realising the amount of trust/communication it takes, take that guy who convinces his (reluctant) girlfreind to go into an open relationship and gets miffed when she gets lots of action and he gets none. But you know...some make it work

and of coarse most people who say "I never want kids" end up having kids, because at the time (at least in western 1st world culture) its inconceivable and then they reach a point in their life where its what they feel is best. And some people never reach that point. For some people I dare say they might even have something more important to them than to participate in the repeating loop of nature.

and you know whatever peoples status in life they don't need another person asking them why their single, or why they haven't had children yet, or why their not doing things right

[quote/]ctually k'now what fuck it...you young uns (ye sry im fucking old mmmkay) want some real "relationship" advice rather than endless theoretical navel gazing from a bunch of people who, at best, are probably just "starting out" here it is:[/quote]

some real mind blowing stuff ya got there..../sarcasm

 

[Autumnflame]

Us ugly people have the added issue of being taken at face value of societies good looking= worth while. less atrractive people = not worth your time.

ive had women say they wish i was more handsome and then they would go out with me. because they have a certain attractiveness standard.

Sad how shallow, conceited and self adsorbed people are

 

[Eddie the head]

Seriously, why is it so hard for some people to accept that not everyone wants the same things in life? -.-

That question could, and has, fill several books. But a lot of it has to do with some(most) people thinking they know what goes on in another's mind. And if they would only think "clearly" they would be like them.

 

[Eamar]

Us ugly people have the added issue of being taken at face value of societies good looking= worth while. less atrractive people = not worth your time.

ive had women say they wish i was more handsome and then they would go out with me. because they have a certain attractiveness standard.

Sad how shallow, conceited and self adsorbed people are

While I get what you're saying (and if people have actually said that to you then wow, that's incredibly harsh), you can't expect anyone to go out with someone they're not physically attracted to. Not that someone actually has to be "ugly" for that to be the case, of course, we all have our own preferences after all. But for a relationship to be viable you do have to "do it" for each other physically as well as mentally, and that's not a bad thing. You don't have to be "shallow, conceited and self-absorbed" to reject someone because you don't find them physically attractive.

Trust me, I've been with several people I didn't find physically attractive because they were good people who I otherwise liked and I felt I should "give them a chance." It's always a huge mistake, just leads to bitterness and hurt feelings all round. Not to mention sex with someone you're not attracted to on a basic physical level is just all kinds of unpleasant, especially when you start feeling guilty about it because you feel like you should be into them. I'd really hate for someone to feel that way about me.

Sorry, got sidetracked there. What I'm trying to say is there's nothing wrong with people having physical "standards" when looking for partners. Not a detailed checklist of required features, obviously, but a basic attractiveness standard is no bad thing. Fortunately, despite what the media might try to tell you, those "standards" are not universal and different people have different ones.

 

[shootthebandit]

There is no right or wrong way. Its pretty damn hard to find someone you like enough to let into your life. I dont want to give you any dumb "chicks dig bad guys" advice. Just simple advice to keep you going

I have 3 bits of advice

1) be yourself: you want someone to like you for who you are

2) put yourself out their: dont be afraid to ask someone out. Seriously people just sit back and expect people to pick up on their hints (this is especially true for women trying to pick up a man)

3) persevere: if you get shot down. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and move on. You will probably get shot down a lot of times (Ive been shot down that many times i need to keep track of it in scientific notation)

Slightly off topic: ive tried to keep my post gender neutral because there are girls out their struggling to find a boyfriend too

N.b im no expert. Hell im trying to look for a serious relationship and like i said its not easy. So carry on guys and girls and dont give up

 

[shootthebandit]

While I get what you're saying (and if people have actually said that to you then wow, that's incredibly harsh), you can't expect anyone to go out with someone they're not physically attracted to.

I agree although I think sometimes people can set their standards far too high. I hate to use such a shallow phrase but a lot of people expect to be "punching above their weight". I know its a horrible thing to say but you cant expect a slightly below average guy (like myself) to be going out with a supermodel. Yes its possible but its not likely. Personally I dont get offended if a girl doesnt find me attractive. Id just rather they were honest about it rather than trying to let me down gently or giving me a stupid excuse

Id say that those who complain about others being "shallow" or "superficial" are more likely to have unrealistic standards themselves

If you are expecting like you said "a detailed checklist" then you will be waiting forever and a day for someone

 

[Eamar]

I hate to use such a shallow phrase but a lot of people expect to be "punching above their weight". I know its a horrible thing to say but you cant expect a slightly below average guy (like myself) to be going out with a supermodel. Yes its possible but its not likely.

Totally agree, it amuses/annoys me when people (obligatory clarification: not just men - women do it too) are massively hypocritical about their "standards", ie when they expect to get away with putting no effort into their own appearance or fitness but demand that their partner have the body of a lingerie model/hunky fireman.

[small]Without wishing to open a whole can of worms, the "Nice Guys" we all love to hate talking about often seem to complain about how the hottest girl in their school isn't interested in their completely average selves, while acting as if the female population that doesn't fit the "perfect 10" category doesn't exist. Hell, even that guy who shot a load of people yesterday was complaining because "hot blondes" weren't into him.[/small]

However, that's not really what I was getting at, as I'm sure you know I was just trying to emphasise the fact that you can't force physical attraction, and that you really, really need some sort of physical attraction for a healthy relationship. I know because I've tried.

 

[shootthebandit]

Totally agree, it amuses/annoys me when people (obligatory clarification: not just men - women do it too) are massively hypocritical about their "standards", ie when they expect to get away with putting no effort into their own appearance or fitness but demand that their partner have the body of a lingerie model/hunky fireman.

Im really glad you kept it gender neutral. People who expect to put no effort in and get nothing in return. Im not the most vein person but I still like to keep my hair neat and put on a decent shirt/shoes when I go out. Its a bit naive to put no effort in and expect everything in return

[small]Without wishing to open a whole can of worms, the "Nice Guys" we all love to hate talking about often seem to complain about how the hottest girl in their school isn't interested in their completely average selves, while acting as if the female population that doesn't fit the "perfect 10" category doesn't exist. Hell, even that guy who shot a load of people yesterday was complaining because "hot blondes" weren't into him.[/small]

Its all very hypocritical and naive. I wouldve thought that by the age of 22 he wouldve grown out of this childish view (although I dont really want to talk about him).

These "nice guys" really irritate me. I consider myself to be a nice guy but I never expect anything in return. Its really a shame that because of these guys if im genuinely nice to a girl I seem like a creep or a letch even if my intention is innocent

However, that's not really what I was getting at, as I'm sure you know I was just trying to emphasise the fact that you can't force physical attraction, and that you really, really need some sort of physical attraction for a healthy relationship. I know because I've tried.

As much as it shouldnt be the case I cant help but agree. If I was in the situation you mentioned, id much rather the girl was honest from the beginning rather than leading me along hoping it will work. I respect you for being nice and humouring a good guy but as you said it just leaves you guilty and I hope you were polite and honest with them with being nasty

 

[Thaluikhain]

Its really a shame that because of these guys if im genuinely nice to a girl I seem like a creep or a letch even if my intention is innocent

I don't think you would be. Nice Guys[sup]TM[/sup], they reveal themselves as not being nice guys.

OTOH, though, they'd consider themselves to be nice guys, it's always a bit of a worry to consider yourself something like that, because it's very easy to consider yourself, rather than be.

 

[shootthebandit]

Its really a shame that because of these guys if im genuinely nice to a girl I seem like a creep or a letch even if my intention is innocent

I don't think you would be. Nice Guys[sup]TM[/sup], they reveal themselves as not being nice guys.

OTOH, though, they'd consider themselves to be nice guys, it's always a bit of a worry to consider yourself something like that, because it's very easy to consider yourself, rather than be.

I think its perfectly reasonable to consider yourself to be nice without being a "nice guy". I like helping people (male and female) and I never expect anything in return (be it money or sex). I can be a dickhead like everyone else (trust me im a dickhead a lot) but in general I consider myself to be nice

im not saying im some hero or jesus type figure but what i am saying is that being nice to people is a quality I admire a lot so I try to be a nice person myself

 

[Thaluikhain]

I think its perfectly reasonable to consider yourself to be nice without being a "nice guy". I like helping people (male and female) and I never expect anything in return (be it money or sex). I can be a dickhead like everyone else (trust me im a dickhead a lot) but in general I consider myself to be nice

im not saying im some hero or jesus type figure but what i am saying is that being nice to people is a quality I admire a lot so I try to be a nice person myself

Oh, sure, you should always try to do that, but whether or not you succeed is something that, IMHO, you can't really decide for yourself.

 

[stroopwafel]

Slightly off topic: ive tried to keep my post gender neutral because there are girls out their struggling to find a boyfriend too.

True, I know women that are very bitter and frustrated. Similarly as for guys its emotionally painful when a girl rejects your avances, for a girl its often the same thing when a guy wants to have sex with her but don't see her as 'relationship material' or favors other girls over her. Not being recognized bites into self-worth similarly as repeated rejection. People, in general, want to be valued. The differences in gender just means we express it differently. But bitterness and frustration remains off-putting either way. People often tend to seek examples to their own predilections so they remain affirmed of whatever ridiculous belief they have. Be it that ''women only want bad boys'' or ''all men are pigs''.

As for the topic at hand, I won't deny that for some its more difficult to find 'love' than for others. Like Eamar said, attraction is pre-cognitive and we don't get to choose who we love. But don't give up so easily or mope over perceived 'failure' or take rejection personal. Life is unfair and will remain so till the day you die. The more you obsess over this the more depressed you'll be. Try and be happy even without much romance(trust me, if that is the worst of your problems you have it pretty good) and when you're rejected by the girl you fancy don't take it personal and turn into a spiteful, self-entitled prick. Take that retard in the news for example. Killed people, destroyed families and still died a lonely virgin.

There will always be other women and other opportunities so don't dwell on desperation.

 

[Frankster]

snip

Right sorry for the delayed answer.

A) Ostracized for having specific interests happens, I don't see what's abnormal about it.
Replace gaming by I dunno, MLP: fim or anime or specific types of music, depending on the crowd you're with what might have been acceptable with one crowd becomes the subject of scorn from another.
Heck even on this very site people like to put down others opinions, even between us geeks we ostracize other geeks.

B) I'm gonna assume you mean back in Uni? Well it's a bit late now, but nope actually my most recent uni didn't have much in terms of student clubs, all there was was religious groups.
If you mean currently, then I've tried going to events from "meetup.com" as was the advice given by escapists here.
Ultimately I found those to be expensive wastes of time that has me traveling all the way across London for little results, it simply wasn't practical nor was I really finding success meeting people.

3) Fair enough, I understand your stance and am glad you've found a balance that works for you.

4) It would be nice if every person I met was accepting of all my interests but that has rarely been the case. As I've said before it was either adapt or being socially miserable.

That said this hasn't stopped me making great friends, even if their views on games are very negative Out of the 3 best friends I've made in my life, 1 is antigamer and 1 tolerates them but think they are dumb and for kids/adolescents.
Actually one of the more recent friends I've made within the last year, a pretty blonde girl who quite enjoyed her status as prettiest in the class I was in, had such a negative view of gaming that when I told her that female gamers exist she was all shocked and viewed those "poor" girls almost like they had some sort of mental disorder. When I told her I knew a few she told me it was my duty to "help" them out cos for a girl to be wasting her time with games there must be something wrong with her xD

Ranting a bit, but yeh figured I'd share an example of the kinda people I deal with and befriend

 

[rosac]

Here's a good one that I've found rings true with regards to finding a girlfriend. In the words of a modern English poet-

"Don't be jel, be reem"
-Essex, J.

Basically if your mate pulls more frequently/has a girlfriend and you don't, the be happy for them. Don't be jealous that they, or whoever, is getting more action than you. You'll just look like a dick, and if people find out, desperate. Not ideal.