There are two parts to a relationship: one of them can be controlled, the other part can't.
The first part: ask yourself what you need in a partner. Not what you need to feel "complete" (those needs must be filled by you, not somebody else), I mean what do you need in order to function in a relationship? And what can you live without? Any two people can fall in love and have an awesome honeymoon phase where everything is rainbows and adorkable texting and 24/7 acrobatic sexcapades, but if you're looking for something that lasts beyond that, you need to be honest about what you need.
Example:
I don't need my partner to enjoy the exact same things I do, but I do need openness and honesty and intellectual challenge.
I don't need (or want) a substitute shrink, but I DO need someone who's grounded enough to tell me off when I'm overthinking and to say "Snap out of it, ya dummy. Here's a video of a kitten".
I also need someone who is on the same level of monogamy as I am. Learned that the hard way by dating a guy for 3 years who had convinced himself that he was 100% mono and wanted to be with me for the long haul; in reality we were both lying to ourselves because we loved each other and wanted the relationship to last. Which brings me to...
The second part: love. You can't control who you love, you either do or you don't. During the good phases you'll love them loads and it'll feel amazing on its own, and during the less good phases you'll need to make more of an effort. Sometimes love and teamwork are enough to make it stick, and sometimes incompatibility makes it impossible to stay together without compromising yourselves too much. And sometimes external things like family, friends, your job, money troubles, kids, health issues, etc can pile up and mess things up over time and things end despite your best efforts.
Here's the thing though: a failed relationship isn't the worst thing in the world. Even if you thought they were the one. Even if you were married, even if you have kids. It feels like the worst thing in the world when it ends, but humans have a striking ability to move on from painful events and to find new things that make them happy. Some people have only 1 partner over a lifetime, and some people have 50. Neither is more or less happy or fulfilled just because of that number. It's all about what you make of it.
The first part: ask yourself what you need in a partner. Not what you need to feel "complete" (those needs must be filled by you, not somebody else), I mean what do you need in order to function in a relationship? And what can you live without? Any two people can fall in love and have an awesome honeymoon phase where everything is rainbows and adorkable texting and 24/7 acrobatic sexcapades, but if you're looking for something that lasts beyond that, you need to be honest about what you need.
Example:
I don't need my partner to enjoy the exact same things I do, but I do need openness and honesty and intellectual challenge.
I don't need (or want) a substitute shrink, but I DO need someone who's grounded enough to tell me off when I'm overthinking and to say "Snap out of it, ya dummy. Here's a video of a kitten".
I also need someone who is on the same level of monogamy as I am. Learned that the hard way by dating a guy for 3 years who had convinced himself that he was 100% mono and wanted to be with me for the long haul; in reality we were both lying to ourselves because we loved each other and wanted the relationship to last. Which brings me to...
The second part: love. You can't control who you love, you either do or you don't. During the good phases you'll love them loads and it'll feel amazing on its own, and during the less good phases you'll need to make more of an effort. Sometimes love and teamwork are enough to make it stick, and sometimes incompatibility makes it impossible to stay together without compromising yourselves too much. And sometimes external things like family, friends, your job, money troubles, kids, health issues, etc can pile up and mess things up over time and things end despite your best efforts.
Here's the thing though: a failed relationship isn't the worst thing in the world. Even if you thought they were the one. Even if you were married, even if you have kids. It feels like the worst thing in the world when it ends, but humans have a striking ability to move on from painful events and to find new things that make them happy. Some people have only 1 partner over a lifetime, and some people have 50. Neither is more or less happy or fulfilled just because of that number. It's all about what you make of it.
